Flavor Flav Agrees to School Mitt Romney in Ghetto Talk

With the New York primary coming up in late April, GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is pretty sure he has that state sewn up simply because Wall Street is in New York, and Wall Street loves Mitt Romney. However, New York also boasts a very large black population and without the black vote, Romney claims the race may be tighter than he would like.

Much like the problems he had connecting with poor white southerners in the states of Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi, Romney’s handlers claim that he needs the best possible Ebonics coach to “jive” his way to victory in New York.

For this endeavor, there is no better tutor to take on the task than the “King of Ghetto Talk” himself, Flavor Flav. Flava says he is humbled that a man of Romney’s stature would even consider asking him to help.

According to Mitt Romney’s closest friend, John R. Bentley III, Mitt talks a great game when he’s in front of his peers, but you put him in a situation where he has to communicate with just plain folk whose socioeconomic status doesn’t come close to his, and he’s like a duck out of water.

Bentley can’t say enough good things about comedian Jeff Foxworthy, who came to Romney’s rescue earlier this month by teaching him some key southern phrases in order to save him from utter defeat in the South.

“Oh sure, we lost a few southern states to Santorum and Gingrich,” said Bentley, “but we got out of there alive, and that was our main goal going into those primaries.”

But connecting with black voters in the NY hood may be a tad more difficult. That’s why his handlers have hired one of the best Ebonics coaches around to teach Romney how to speak ghetto.

“Yeah what? Ima make that white boy talk the bop, fo’ shizzle,” said Flavor Flav when asked to comment on his upcoming gig as Romney’s Ebonics coach.

“I have no idea what a ‘fo shizzle’ is,” Romney replied. “But if I can master French, I don’t really see the difficulty in learning Ebonics,” he added as he made his way to a $1000 a plate luncheon at the Waldorf Astoria.

Jerry Springer’s Soul Begs for Release

It has been almost 21 years since Jerry Springer’s soul got her first taste of trash TV. She has finally had enough, saying that she’s so over sitting idly by while her host whores himself out on national television. Finally ready to invoke a rarely used rule in celestial circles, Springer’s soul claims enough is enough.


“I’m asking to be released from my host under the seldom-used “last-straw liberation act,” said Lei des Aire, a light being assigned to Jerry Springer at birth.


According to des Aire, in order to be released from her host, she must prove that without her presence, the host can stand alone. So, for the last six months, she says she’s left Springer’s body daily during the taping of The Jerry Springer Show, and no one, including Springer himself, even noticed.


“I’ve only known a few instances where the soul has been released from a host body and allowed to enter another at birth. It is very rare,” she said. “Most souls stick with their hosts regardless of how difficult it is--even Hitler’s, if you can believe that. Not me, though,” she said, “I just don’t have the stomach for it.”


Asked what the tipping point was, des Aire explained. “It was late one night, Jerry had just passed out, and I decided to do a little astral projecting. I ended up in Paris and met another soul by the name of Gabe. We talked all night, and during our conversation, he told me who his host was…Maya Angelou.”


“He couldn’t say enough nice things about her and told me that he just was so happy to be her soul. After I told him whom I embodied, Gabe about fell out of the sky. Apparently,” said des Aire, “I’ve been the laughing stock of the ethereal community for quite some time.”


“Long story short, Gabe told me about the liberation act and told me that if Larry Flynt’s soul could get out of it for similar reasons, I should have no problems.”


Des Aire says she is awaiting word from the powers that be and is hoping it won’t be much longer.


“If I have to watch one more pregnant girl named Brit’ney beg her toothless boyfriend to take her back even though he cheated on her with her mother, while Jerry sits there and tells them to be kind to each other, I think I may just go super nova, you know?”

Local Woman Moves Out of Her Comfort Zone and Into a Condo

Local woman, Margaret McDillon, has been moved out of the house on Elm Street that she called home for 57 years and into a condo on Main Street.

“Oh, there are so many new things I’ll have to get used to,” said Maggie, a name she came to feel comfortable being called but now must get used to being called Margaret again. “I don’t really think I’m going to fit in here at all,” she said as she looked around at the few moving boxes that held a fraction of the life she loved on Elm Street.

“No one knows me as Maggie here,” she said. “I am just too old and too tired to explain to the numbskulls that Maggie is just another name for Margaret. They ask me, ‘why not Marge,’ and I tell them ‘Margaret will do just fine,’ wondering sometimes if I should bring up the name Peggy to throw them off even further.”

“Then there’s the washer and dryer. ‘I need a step ladder to get to the dryer,’ I told them, ‘I’m gonna break a hip,’ but do they listen? Nope, not on Main Street they don’t,” she sighed wistfully.

“Nobody knows me on Main Street, and with all the hoodlums down there in the street, it’s not like I’m gonna go out there and risk my life making any new friends, at least not like the ones I had on Elm Street. All of ‘em are gone though. I’m the only one that survived…lucky me,” she threw in as a jab at anyone who might get the joke.

The condo is on the second floor of an assisted living facility. Margaret’s family thought it better that she live there now since she almost burned down her house on Elm Street when she up and decided to make tacos one evening, and had one too many margaritas. Actually, these days, with the meds she is taking, one IS too many margaritas.

“They just call it ‘the incident,’” said Maggie. “And then they whisper, so I don’t hear,” she said. “Here’s a news flash, kids. You could be screaming full on in my face by now, and I probably won’t hear you,” she chuckled.

When her adult son found her, she was sitting at the kitchen table wearing a sombrero and telling him it was Siesta time, when in fact, she kind of knew in the back of her mind she meant to say Fiesta.

At any rate, she’s now living on Main Street. Used to be that Main Street was where all the action was; where she and the husband, long since passed, would go to have a good night out on the town.

Unfortunately, in Maggie’s case, hoping to get back some of those memories landed her in a small one-bedroom condo, not particularly to her liking and about as far away as she could get from her comfort zone.

Romney May Be Too Naïve to Survive Missouri Caucus

They's lots more where these come from Willard

While Gov. Mitt Romney did everything he could to fit in with the locals in the Southern states of Alabama and Mississippi, he still ended up third at the polls behind Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

Most blame his poor performance on his awkward attempts at speaking redneck. His ‘Hi y’all’ and obviously faked penchant for cheesy grits and pretty young Southern girls did nothing to persuade those whom he came in contact with that he was even remotely interested in becoming one of them.

Even with having the king of Redneck himself, Jeff Foxworthy teaching him the proper way to say y’all and ask if anyone else wants that last tater nugget, Romney was clearly looking and sounding like a catfish out of water.

However, being the good-natured fella that he is, Romney appeared on the Fox News Channel Wednesday night and continued to try and sway the southern vote to his side in preparation for the upcoming caucus Saturday in Missouri.

“Y’all ready to watch me open a can o’ whup ass on Santorum and Gingrich this comin’ Saturday?” asked Romney as Megyn Kelly giggled in the background.

“I don’t think language is going to be your biggest worry going into Missouri,” said Kelly, trying to prepare Romney for his upcoming trip that will take him into the deepest recesses of the one of reddest states in the union.

Unfazed, Romney replied, “Seems some folks down there in Missurah want me to go noodlin’ with them,” he said, still practicing his southern accent. “I’m not all that fond of Chinese food, but you know me…when in Rome,” he chuckled.

Kelley smiled nervously while wishing him well on the campaign trail, and then gave the clueless candidate a final word of caution.

“If someone tells you to squeal like a pig, Governor, run like hell.”

Jeb Bush Lying in Wait to Pounce Like a Panther upon GOP Scene

See Jeb? See Jeb Run? Run, Jeb, Run.

Rumors are still swirling that Jeb Bush is considering putting his name in the hat for the GOP nomination. But, if there is one thing you should know about the Bush family it is this, they don’t do anything without putting a whole lot of thought in it. The main thought being “will it make us rich?”

It is for this reason that Jeb hasn’t just rushed right onto the political scene to announce his presidential bid.

“For one thing,” said daddy Bush, “the job only pays $400 grand a year, so while George Jr. was happy to have a little pocket change without having to work too hard for it, my son Jeb needs quite a bit more than that to fund all his half-assed business schemes.”

Friends close to Jeb in Florida though say he is just about ready to pounce if he can get a few of his rich friends to promise him more than a salary once the title “President” attaches to his resume. Lobbyists claim that as of now, Jeb’s pretty worthless to them, but put him in the White House, wind him up and give him his marching orders, and buddy, the sky’s the limit.”

Jeb claims the main reason he’s been overly coy about the whole matter is that he’s watched how Sarah Palin and Donald Trump have just thrown themselves out there on the political scene, toying with the affections of the Conservative party.  Bush honestly believes that may be a major factor in the schizophrenic-like way many of their constituents are acting.

“Dangling a carrot and then snatching it back and eating it yourself just creates unnecessary stress on a group of people who are already just hanging by a thread,” said Bush.

“Look, I’m gonna run, or shall I say, I’m thinking about running. But if I don’t, it just means I made up my mind not to run. But you can probably count me in at the last minute if I decide to run,” and with that he settled back in his camo-design hammock behind a large palmetto tree. 

Rick Santorum Concedes Snooki Pregnancy Good Argument for Contraceptives

I'm glad you thought of the hot tub, Mike. I can't believe
I've gone through all my free condoms already.

Snooki, of Jersey Shore fame, has admitted to being pregnant with her boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, as the father. Shore roommate, Mike “The Situation” is, however, causing quite a stir with news that the baby may be his, sending shockwaves through America, or at least the America that is trying to watch something more sophisticated than the GOP race.

Speaking of which, even GOP hopeful Rick Santorum is weighing in on the matter. While speaking at a rally in Topeka, Kansas today, Santorum had this to say. “Folks, you know I am 100% against anyone having sex and bearing a child out of wedlock. Today I heard the news that Snooki is pregnant and I said to my wife ‘I told you the water in the hot tub wasn’t hot enough to kill sperm.’”

Santorum then went on to say, “Believe me, folks, before I heard this news, I was 1000% percent sure that contraceptives were the handiwork of the devil, but I’m now seriously backing down from that stance.”

“In fact,” he said, “had I known that Snookie and Jianni, or the Situation, or whomever was hooking up on that fateful night in the hot tub, I would have personally gone out and purchased a pack of Trojans and delivered them myself to Seaside Heights, so that this act wouldn’t have resulted in an illegitimate child coming into the world bearing a name like ‘ShortnTan.’”

When asked for comment on Rick Santorum’s remarks regarding her pregnancy, Snooki replied “Who the hell is Rick Santorum? Is he that Sicilian who tried to hook up wit’ me at the Beachcomber last summer?”

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners

The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners and are taking steps as we speak to ask God for an early release of their inheritance.

“Most of us are dead anyway at this point,” claims Elizabeth Moussey, spokesperson for the Muskegon, Michigan Meek Society. “I say that because it is a well-known fact that the Lord always calls the best ones home early to help him out in heaven,” she said with a sweet, kind voice.

Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and just a general degradation of kindness and evildoing in all mankind, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.

“Oh, we could continue to lay down like lambs,” said Moussey, “but honestly we’ve been doing that for what seems eternity, and it doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere at all.”

Therefore, a mandate has been issued that all troublemakers, including many members of the GOP and the clergy, especially the ones who pass themselves off as good Christians, will be asked to exit the Earth by any means possible before the year 2013.

“Being meek and all,” said Moussey, we don’t want anyone to suffer needlessly trying to find a safe way to get off our property, but we do have to set limits now don’t we,” she said in the kindest way possible.

“While we have not yet figured out how they will be evicted, we are trusting in the Lord to take care of that part. Euthanasia may be one way, rocket launchers into space may be another. “But if they’re looking for a rapture-like experience,” said Moussey, “let me assure them, it just is not going to happen. Our empathy has worn way too thin for that to happen now.”

At any rate, we promise to do our best to make their transition as smooth as possible, regardless of how we are treated in the interim,” said Moussey.

The Meek are certain of one thing, the Sinners will eventually be gone, and Earth will finally be theirs to live a peaceful and quiet existence for eternity or, God forbid, until another tribe of evildoers find their way to Earth.

Moussey ended by declaring that all Meeks apologize profusely for having to take this stand but after being promised there were better days ahead only to find that people are now literally acting like savages again, they just have no choice but to do God’s will and take over the earth a little earlier than expected.

“And oh,” she said, “take your money with you. After all, that’s basically what’s gotten you into trouble in the first place.”

*Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth

  Psalms 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.