Flavor Flav Agrees to School Mitt Romney in Ghetto Talk

With the New York primary coming up in late April, GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is pretty sure he has that state sewn up simply because Wall Street is in New York, and Wall Street loves Mitt Romney. However, New York also boasts a very large black population and without the black vote, Romney claims the race may be tighter than he would like.

Much like the problems he had connecting with poor white southerners in the states of Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi, Romney’s handlers claim that he needs the best possible Ebonics coach to “jive” his way to victory in New York.

For this endeavor, there is no better tutor to take on the task than the “King of Ghetto Talk” himself, Flavor Flav. Flava says he is humbled that a man of Romney’s stature would even consider asking him to help.

According to Mitt Romney’s closest friend, John R. Bentley III, Mitt talks a great game when he’s in front of his peers, but you put him in a situation where he has to communicate with just plain folk whose socioeconomic status doesn’t come close to his, and he’s like a duck out of water.

Bentley can’t say enough good things about comedian Jeff Foxworthy, who came to Romney’s rescue earlier this month by teaching him some key southern phrases in order to save him from utter defeat in the South.

“Oh sure, we lost a few southern states to Santorum and Gingrich,” said Bentley, “but we got out of there alive, and that was our main goal going into those primaries.”

But connecting with black voters in the NY hood may be a tad more difficult. That’s why his handlers have hired one of the best Ebonics coaches around to teach Romney how to speak ghetto.

“Yeah what? Ima make that white boy talk the bop, fo’ shizzle,” said Flavor Flav when asked to comment on his upcoming gig as Romney’s Ebonics coach.

“I have no idea what a ‘fo shizzle’ is,” Romney replied. “But if I can master French, I don’t really see the difficulty in learning Ebonics,” he added as he made his way to a $1000 a plate luncheon at the Waldorf Astoria.

Jerry Springer’s Soul Begs for Release

It has been almost 21 years since Jerry Springer’s soul got her first taste of trash TV. She has finally had enough, saying that she’s so over sitting idly by while her host whores himself out on national television. Finally ready to invoke a rarely used rule in celestial circles, Springer’s soul claims enough is enough.


“I’m asking to be released from my host under the seldom-used “last-straw liberation act,” said Lei des Aire, a light being assigned to Jerry Springer at birth.


According to des Aire, in order to be released from her host, she must prove that without her presence, the host can stand alone. So, for the last six months, she says she’s left Springer’s body daily during the taping of The Jerry Springer Show, and no one, including Springer himself, even noticed.


“I’ve only known a few instances where the soul has been released from a host body and allowed to enter another at birth. It is very rare,” she said. “Most souls stick with their hosts regardless of how difficult it is--even Hitler’s, if you can believe that. Not me, though,” she said, “I just don’t have the stomach for it.”


Asked what the tipping point was, des Aire explained. “It was late one night, Jerry had just passed out, and I decided to do a little astral projecting. I ended up in Paris and met another soul by the name of Gabe. We talked all night, and during our conversation, he told me who his host was…Maya Angelou.”


“He couldn’t say enough nice things about her and told me that he just was so happy to be her soul. After I told him whom I embodied, Gabe about fell out of the sky. Apparently,” said des Aire, “I’ve been the laughing stock of the ethereal community for quite some time.”


“Long story short, Gabe told me about the liberation act and told me that if Larry Flynt’s soul could get out of it for similar reasons, I should have no problems.”


Des Aire says she is awaiting word from the powers that be and is hoping it won’t be much longer.


“If I have to watch one more pregnant girl named Brit’ney beg her toothless boyfriend to take her back even though he cheated on her with her mother, while Jerry sits there and tells them to be kind to each other, I think I may just go super nova, you know?”

Local Woman Moves Out of Her Comfort Zone and Into a Condo

Local woman, Margaret McDillon, has been moved out of the house on Elm Street that she called home for 57 years and into a condo on Main Street.

“Oh, there are so many new things I’ll have to get used to,” said Maggie, a name she came to feel comfortable being called but now must get used to being called Margaret again. “I don’t really think I’m going to fit in here at all,” she said as she looked around at the few moving boxes that held a fraction of the life she loved on Elm Street.

“No one knows me as Maggie here,” she said. “I am just too old and too tired to explain to the numbskulls that Maggie is just another name for Margaret. They ask me, ‘why not Marge,’ and I tell them ‘Margaret will do just fine,’ wondering sometimes if I should bring up the name Peggy to throw them off even further.”

“Then there’s the washer and dryer. ‘I need a step ladder to get to the dryer,’ I told them, ‘I’m gonna break a hip,’ but do they listen? Nope, not on Main Street they don’t,” she sighed wistfully.

“Nobody knows me on Main Street, and with all the hoodlums down there in the street, it’s not like I’m gonna go out there and risk my life making any new friends, at least not like the ones I had on Elm Street. All of ‘em are gone though. I’m the only one that survived…lucky me,” she threw in as a jab at anyone who might get the joke.

The condo is on the second floor of an assisted living facility. Margaret’s family thought it better that she live there now since she almost burned down her house on Elm Street when she up and decided to make tacos one evening, and had one too many margaritas. Actually, these days, with the meds she is taking, one IS too many margaritas.

“They just call it ‘the incident,’” said Maggie. “And then they whisper, so I don’t hear,” she said. “Here’s a news flash, kids. You could be screaming full on in my face by now, and I probably won’t hear you,” she chuckled.

When her adult son found her, she was sitting at the kitchen table wearing a sombrero and telling him it was Siesta time, when in fact, she kind of knew in the back of her mind she meant to say Fiesta.

At any rate, she’s now living on Main Street. Used to be that Main Street was where all the action was; where she and the husband, long since passed, would go to have a good night out on the town.

Unfortunately, in Maggie’s case, hoping to get back some of those memories landed her in a small one-bedroom condo, not particularly to her liking and about as far away as she could get from her comfort zone.

Romney May Be Too Naïve to Survive Missouri Caucus

They's lots more where these come from Willard

While Gov. Mitt Romney did everything he could to fit in with the locals in the Southern states of Alabama and Mississippi, he still ended up third at the polls behind Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

Most blame his poor performance on his awkward attempts at speaking redneck. His ‘Hi y’all’ and obviously faked penchant for cheesy grits and pretty young Southern girls did nothing to persuade those whom he came in contact with that he was even remotely interested in becoming one of them.

Even with having the king of Redneck himself, Jeff Foxworthy teaching him the proper way to say y’all and ask if anyone else wants that last tater nugget, Romney was clearly looking and sounding like a catfish out of water.

However, being the good-natured fella that he is, Romney appeared on the Fox News Channel Wednesday night and continued to try and sway the southern vote to his side in preparation for the upcoming caucus Saturday in Missouri.

“Y’all ready to watch me open a can o’ whup ass on Santorum and Gingrich this comin’ Saturday?” asked Romney as Megyn Kelly giggled in the background.

“I don’t think language is going to be your biggest worry going into Missouri,” said Kelly, trying to prepare Romney for his upcoming trip that will take him into the deepest recesses of the one of reddest states in the union.

Unfazed, Romney replied, “Seems some folks down there in Missurah want me to go noodlin’ with them,” he said, still practicing his southern accent. “I’m not all that fond of Chinese food, but you know me…when in Rome,” he chuckled.

Kelley smiled nervously while wishing him well on the campaign trail, and then gave the clueless candidate a final word of caution.

“If someone tells you to squeal like a pig, Governor, run like hell.”

Jeb Bush Lying in Wait to Pounce Like a Panther upon GOP Scene

See Jeb? See Jeb Run? Run, Jeb, Run.

Rumors are still swirling that Jeb Bush is considering putting his name in the hat for the GOP nomination. But, if there is one thing you should know about the Bush family it is this, they don’t do anything without putting a whole lot of thought in it. The main thought being “will it make us rich?”

It is for this reason that Jeb hasn’t just rushed right onto the political scene to announce his presidential bid.

“For one thing,” said daddy Bush, “the job only pays $400 grand a year, so while George Jr. was happy to have a little pocket change without having to work too hard for it, my son Jeb needs quite a bit more than that to fund all his half-assed business schemes.”

Friends close to Jeb in Florida though say he is just about ready to pounce if he can get a few of his rich friends to promise him more than a salary once the title “President” attaches to his resume. Lobbyists claim that as of now, Jeb’s pretty worthless to them, but put him in the White House, wind him up and give him his marching orders, and buddy, the sky’s the limit.”

Jeb claims the main reason he’s been overly coy about the whole matter is that he’s watched how Sarah Palin and Donald Trump have just thrown themselves out there on the political scene, toying with the affections of the Conservative party.  Bush honestly believes that may be a major factor in the schizophrenic-like way many of their constituents are acting.

“Dangling a carrot and then snatching it back and eating it yourself just creates unnecessary stress on a group of people who are already just hanging by a thread,” said Bush.

“Look, I’m gonna run, or shall I say, I’m thinking about running. But if I don’t, it just means I made up my mind not to run. But you can probably count me in at the last minute if I decide to run,” and with that he settled back in his camo-design hammock behind a large palmetto tree. 

Rick Santorum Concedes Snooki Pregnancy Good Argument for Contraceptives

I'm glad you thought of the hot tub, Mike. I can't believe
I've gone through all my free condoms already.

Snooki, of Jersey Shore fame, has admitted to being pregnant with her boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, as the father. Shore roommate, Mike “The Situation” is, however, causing quite a stir with news that the baby may be his, sending shockwaves through America, or at least the America that is trying to watch something more sophisticated than the GOP race.

Speaking of which, even GOP hopeful Rick Santorum is weighing in on the matter. While speaking at a rally in Topeka, Kansas today, Santorum had this to say. “Folks, you know I am 100% against anyone having sex and bearing a child out of wedlock. Today I heard the news that Snooki is pregnant and I said to my wife ‘I told you the water in the hot tub wasn’t hot enough to kill sperm.’”

Santorum then went on to say, “Believe me, folks, before I heard this news, I was 1000% percent sure that contraceptives were the handiwork of the devil, but I’m now seriously backing down from that stance.”

“In fact,” he said, “had I known that Snookie and Jianni, or the Situation, or whomever was hooking up on that fateful night in the hot tub, I would have personally gone out and purchased a pack of Trojans and delivered them myself to Seaside Heights, so that this act wouldn’t have resulted in an illegitimate child coming into the world bearing a name like ‘ShortnTan.’”

When asked for comment on Rick Santorum’s remarks regarding her pregnancy, Snooki replied “Who the hell is Rick Santorum? Is he that Sicilian who tried to hook up wit’ me at the Beachcomber last summer?”

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners

The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners and are taking steps as we speak to ask God for an early release of their inheritance.

“Most of us are dead anyway at this point,” claims Elizabeth Moussey, spokesperson for the Muskegon, Michigan Meek Society. “I say that because it is a well-known fact that the Lord always calls the best ones home early to help him out in heaven,” she said with a sweet, kind voice.

Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and just a general degradation of kindness and evildoing in all mankind, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.

“Oh, we could continue to lay down like lambs,” said Moussey, “but honestly we’ve been doing that for what seems eternity, and it doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere at all.”

Therefore, a mandate has been issued that all troublemakers, including many members of the GOP and the clergy, especially the ones who pass themselves off as good Christians, will be asked to exit the Earth by any means possible before the year 2013.

“Being meek and all,” said Moussey, we don’t want anyone to suffer needlessly trying to find a safe way to get off our property, but we do have to set limits now don’t we,” she said in the kindest way possible.

“While we have not yet figured out how they will be evicted, we are trusting in the Lord to take care of that part. Euthanasia may be one way, rocket launchers into space may be another. “But if they’re looking for a rapture-like experience,” said Moussey, “let me assure them, it just is not going to happen. Our empathy has worn way too thin for that to happen now.”

At any rate, we promise to do our best to make their transition as smooth as possible, regardless of how we are treated in the interim,” said Moussey.

The Meek are certain of one thing, the Sinners will eventually be gone, and Earth will finally be theirs to live a peaceful and quiet existence for eternity or, God forbid, until another tribe of evildoers find their way to Earth.

Moussey ended by declaring that all Meeks apologize profusely for having to take this stand but after being promised there were better days ahead only to find that people are now literally acting like savages again, they just have no choice but to do God’s will and take over the earth a little earlier than expected.

“And oh,” she said, “take your money with you. After all, that’s basically what’s gotten you into trouble in the first place.”

*Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth

  Psalms 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

Roy Blunt Talks Hoes Not Women on International Women’s Day

Sen. Roy Blunt (R-Mo) chose International Women’s Day to talk about hoes. Here’s how he chose to honor March 8, 2012 on Twitter:

Today is Natl Agriculture Day. Hope you'll join me to recognize the vital benefits agriculture plays in our everyday lives.

Hey, Mr. Blunt, today also happens to be National Panic Day. 

I’d like to invite everyone to celebrate by taking a moment to  freak out about just how scary the Republican Party has become.

Glenn Beck Comes to the Aid of Rush Limbaugh

You Can't Spew Hatred Without
Awesome Props!

Former Fox News Channel host Glenn Beck knows what it is to fall like a boulder from grace for simply uttering his personal opinions about someone. Getting canned from a gravy job with Fox News Channel was just the beginning of a decline in popularity that Beck couldn’t have imagined happening a year ago.

He went from top earner at Fox to having to start his own broadcasting company in order to continue to spew his hated across the nation and still hasn’t fully recovered from the fallout. Fortunately, he learned a thing or two along the way, and he is willing to share his experience with Rush Limbaugh in his time of need.

While the two haven’t always seen eye to eye and have, in fact, been rivals in the harshest sense, Limbaugh is said to be willing to humble himself in order to keep the money flowing to his bank account.

“I never in a million years thought I’d be accepting help from that has been Glenn Beck, but under the circumstances, if I want to keep my mansion in West Palm Beach, I’m gonna have to make a few concessions,” said Limbaugh, “none of which is to admit I did anything wrong, I might add,” he added.

Beck’s experience as a pseudo rodeo clown is going to come in handy as Beck has offered to take Limbaugh’s place for a few weeks until this latest controversy blows over.

“Glad to do it,” said Beck, who said he was ready today to fill the dead airspace left by a broken Rush Limbaugh. “Just let me get my lederhosen on and we’ll be good to go.”

Reminded that Limbaugh is a radio host, not a television personality, and therefore it didn’t much matter what Beck wore, Beck didn’t miss a beat.

“That’s ok,” he said. “I wear my lederhosen everywhere.”

Chris Hansen Becomes Possessed During Taping of Hansen Files: Exorcisms Real or Hoax?

Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen over there?

It has just been reported that Chris Hansen, the man behind the news show Hansen Files seen Friday evenings on Dateline NBC is, most likely, possessed by the devil, who priests say entered his body during the taping of an upcoming expose on exorcisms.

“Something went horribly wrong,” claims Father Francois Dubois, a Catholic priest who claims he has presided over more than a hundred exorcisms in his lifetime. Fr. Dubois was visiting Hansen at an undisclosed location in order to conduct an exorcism on the news anchor as soon as possible.

Fr. Dubois claims that earlier this week he was heading up an exorcism at the home of a West Virginia mother who claims her daughter was possessed. Little did he know that the man standing beside him pretending to be a fellow priest was none other than expose extraordinare, Chris Hansen, who had been secretly filming the entire exorcism.

An aide to Hansen claims that Hansen had always been skeptical of demonic possessions and had wanted to do an expose on the practice of exorcisms for quite some time. He (Hansen) had caught wind of the exorcism being done in Charleston, West Virginia and decided to go out there and do some undercover investigating.

“Unfortunately, Mr. Hansen found out the hard way that demonic possession is nothing to dismiss lightly,” said the elderly priest, who assured us that Mr. Hansen’s will be an easy exorcism.

Asked how he knew, Fr. Dubois said “Oh hell, devil’s already been inside that fellow a few times and just can’t seem to stomach it in there for too long. I’m just gonna help the damned process along this time so I can see Hanson’s face when he realizes he’s been the victim of one of his own undercover operations.”

Ed. Note: After witnessing Father Dubois’ propensity toward cursing, a separate investigation was launched into the elderly priest’s credentials. So far, the results are inconclusive.

Acme Limburger Cheese Company Pulls Advertising on Rush Limbaugh Show

“If anyone knows stinky, it is the Acme Limburger Cheese Company,” said Hugh Steenck, Vice President in charge of marketing. “As of today, this company will no longer pay to advertise on the Rush Limbaugh Show,”  announced the VP on the Sunday edition of MSNBC News.”

Steenck claims it was a nice run while it lasted. “It was getting to the point that when people thought Limburger, they automatically associated it with Mr. Limbaugh due to the similarities in the words. However,” he continued, “while we appreciate the fact that both words still conjure up an unpleasant smell, our cheese is meant to do so without harm to anyone.”

The Acme Limburger Cheese Company follows a growing list of companies that have decided to pull ads due to Limburger….errr, Limbaugh recently calling college student Sandra Fluke a slut for seeking free contraceptives.

As a side note, a description found for limburger cheese claims it is popular for its particularly pungent smell, not unlike a strong body odor. Kudos to the company for foregoing the huge profits it must have been making by advertising on the Rush Limbaugh Show. 

Rush Limbaugh’s Head May be Stuck up His Ass Permanently

Rush Limbaugh was trying to find a hole in the ground when he accidentally stuck his head up his ass. He was rushed to Good Samaritan Medical Center in West Palm Beach where doctors were working to dislodge said head from said ass.

At last report, several doctors were in the lounge drinking coffee and pondering their next move.

“We’ve already tried pulling it out forcefully,” said one doctor, “but he won’t shut, up and his mouth is preventing us from pulling it straight out.”

“Yeah,” said another doctor. “It’s not like there isn’t enough grease down there to allow the head to move about freely; it’s his mouth that is causing some serious suction that we can’t seem to break.”

“I sure hope we come up with a solution soon,” said one doctor on his third cup of coffee. “Although I have to admit, it’s pretty funny when Rush keeps yelling at us to pull his own head out of his ass for a change,” he chuckled as he ordered a late-night snack.

Tweezers and Magnified Mirrors Selling Fast as Depilatory Cream Ban Hits America

Mildred Schrumshruft

A ban on all depilatory creams in America has aging women scrambling to find alternatives for getting rid of unsightly hair on their chins and necks.

Pharmacies are finding it hard to keep tweezers and magnified mirrors in stock.

“It’s been a madhouse ever since Tuesday when the ban on depilatory creams was announced by the FDA,” said Mildred Thompkins, assistant pharmacy director at a local drug store.

“These women are genuinely concerned and rightly so, I might add,” said the 58-year old Thompkins, who has a bit of a whisker problem herself. Mildred also admits to buying up the entire supply of tweezers at her store in order to sell them on e-bay for a hefty mark-up.

“Come another week or so,” said Mildred” and these suckers are gonna be worth their weight in gold.”

Two elderly ladies from in southwest Texas, who flat out refused to be identified, said they were contemplating driving south of the border to buy their depilatory creams in Mexico.

“Drug war, schmug war,” said one of the women. “Tweezers and magnified mirrors are ok for the younger gals, but when you hit 80, you need the cream. If I don’t get some soon, they’re gonna start letting me play poker with the fellas on Thursday nights.”

Mitt Romney Sings “Sexy and I Know It” in Shower

Hey, throw me the Head & Shoulders, will ya?

A Mitt Romney aid has just leaked some interesting news about the presidential candidate. Seems Mr. Romney’s favorite song while showering in the campaign bus these days is “Sexy and I Know It,” by LMFAO.

“He can’t seem to get the song out of his head,” said Major Harkings, one of Romney’s top aides. “I’m trying to think back when it all started, and I believe it was when Mr. Romney was posing for a photo with some waitresses in a diner back in June of last year and as the photo was being taken, he [Romney] claims he felt a hand on his bottom.”

Harkins claims that Romney has always thought of himself as a sort of ladies man, and this isn’t the first song about sex appeal Romney has been caught singing in the shower.

“Sometimes he’ll change it up a bit and sing ‘I’m Too Sexy’ or Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get it On” said Harkins.

Harkins and others in the campaign say the imagery that Romney’s latest song choice evokes is sometimes just too much to handle. So much so that it routinely clears the bus within seconds of Romney announcing his plans to take a shower.

Mitt Romney and Wife Show Up at Events Wearing Nike Galaxy Shoes

Romney says they're pretty grotesque but then
so are his $1000 pair of bright pink golfing pants

Mitt Romney is proving he’ll do just about anything to show his supporters that he is ready, willing and able to spend the money it takes to become President, and how he dresses is an important component in that.

Upon hearing that the newly released Nike Foamposite Galaxy basketball shoe is quickly becoming one of the most expensive shoes on the market, Romney had his people rush out and buy a couple of pair for himself and his wife to wear in Michigan.

Asked why he would buy basketball shoes when he clearly isn’t into sports, Romney told reporters that he doesn’t buy things necessarily for their function but more for their form. People see in me the ability to obtain things, expensive things, and they say ‘hey, wish I could have a pair of those,’ and I am instantly the person they think has things they don’t. It’s so simple really, I can’t believe I’m explaining this to you,”and then added “Ok, ok, I’ll say it a bit clearer. The shoes are expensive, I buy expensive things, ergo I’m rich.”

In a related story, shortly after Romney and his wife got off the bus in downtown Detroit, they were mobbed by several teenagers trying to get at the Nike Galaxy shoes. Secret service agents had to whisk the pair back onto the bus and take them to the suburbs where they assumed they were less likely to be attacked.

Internet Site Reports Large Purchases in Romney and Santorum Campaigns

Santorum camp has spent so far in excess of $7000 for barf bags; Romney camp over $8000 for duct tape.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Denies Crush on President Obama

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer says that rumors about her actually having a mad crush on President Obama are patently false.

In a statement she recently gave at the local Chapter of Single Christians with Spouses, Brewer claims that television psychologist Dr. Phil has her all wrong. She was referring to Dr. Phil’s take on why Brewer refused to attend the dinner being given for the nation’s governors on Sunday.

“Well I’ll be hornswaggled,” said Phil to a television reporter hoping to gain some insight into some of Brewer’s bizarre behavior in recent months toward the President. “She [Brewer] is sweet as honey on the suckle for the President,” he said, stopping just short of declaring that Jan Brewer has the hots for the President.

Asked why Phil would make such a statement when clearly Brewer has shown nothing but animosity at each of her meetings with the President.

“I’m no expert,” he said, “wait, oh yea I kinda am."

"Here’s what’s going on. You remember grade school right?” he asked. “Remember the story about Timmy dipping Peggy’s pigtails in the ink well and turns out he was doing it cause he was sweet on Peggy?”

“Well,” said Dr. Phil, “when I saw Governor Brewer in that picture with her face all up in President Obama’s and her finger wagging in his face, that right there was testament to an unrequited desire to take the man right then and there.”

Asked then why Governor Brewer would miss tonight’s opportunity to be in the presence of the President, Dr. Phil answered “Aw shucks, that’s an easy one,” he said. “She likely can’t stand the thought of Barack Obama being with another woman, i.e. his wife, and I think it would drive Ms. Brewer up the proverbial wall to see them together all lovey-dovey.”

Again, Jan Brewer had no comment, other than to call Dr. Phil a big fat liar, liar pants on fire.

Glamour Guns & Ammo Opens High-End Shop on Rodeo Drive

Indicative of the offerings at Glamour Guns & Ammo

Proud gun owner Patricia “Pickles” McQuarty of Lubbock, Texas has just announced the grand opening of her new high-end gun shop on fabulous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, California. Glamour Guns & Ammo will offer some of the finest guns made by manufacturers from around the world, from solid gold pistols to tiny Derringers in designer colors.

“I got the idea one day in my gun shop counting how many “Annies” (a term Pickles uses to refer to her female customers—named after the famous Annie Oakley) were coming into my shop looking for something that would discreetly fit into their handbags while doing the job they were meant to do.”

While women carrying guns in Lubbock isn’t all that unusual, it [Lubbock] isn’t the kind of town you would associate with high society. So, Pickles’ idea of bringing the guns to the ladies instead of vice versa had always been in the back of her head. A big fan of Project Runway and it’s runoff Project Accessory, Pickles got the grand idea of giving the uber rich their own guns and ammo store on Rodeo Drive.

“Look honey, I don’t care if you are going to a live show at the local theatre or having your picture taken on the red carpet, you want to make sure you are fully protected, and if the gun matches the outfit, well, that’s just icing (no pun intended) on the cake,” said Pickles in her sweet Texan drawl.

Pickles claims that most women in the upper echelons of society have always carried guns, but now with the advent of more and more open carry laws taking effect, they want something that, when taken out of their waistband or pocketbooks, doesn’t clash with their outfits.

“The kind of client I’m going after wouldn’t be caught dead using a plain old black revolver on the shooting range. She’s gonna want to wow them with my ‘Perfectly Pink’ target pistol,” says Pickles.

Glamour Gun’s inventory includes a diamond-studded Beretta Nano that is to die for at any cocktail party. It also offers cute little Cobra Derringers in just about any color you can imagine. In fact, says Pickles, if there is a special occasion you have coming up and she doesn’t have a gun for you in just the right color, give her enough time and she’ll have one made for you. 

“It’s kinda like having the shoes dyed to match the dress kinda deal,” says McQuarty.

Asked about the location, Pickles said that’s just about the best thing in the world about her new store. “Rodeo Drive. Honey, just how much more cowgirl can you get?”

Malia and Sasha Buy Dad Tie and Slippers for President’s Day

Today is the day America celebrates its past and present Presidents with a day totally devoted to them. For the Obama kids, it is a time to tell their dad how proud they are of him.

With that in mind, President Obama woke up to what he says is just about the nicest gifts he’s ever gotten from his girls, i.e. a patriotic-patterned tie and a pair of comfy slippers.

“Sure, it’s what I always get on Father’s Day too,” whispered the President out of earshot of his daughters, “but I’m not gonna spoil their day grousing about always getting the same thing. Besides, I took care of my own present without their knowledge.”

Mr. President was, of course, referring to his upcoming trip to Orlando for a fundraiser that he hopes will allow him to rub elbows with some of the biggest names in basketball.

“Look, I love ties and slippers, I really do, and I love the fact that my kids went out and spent their own money to get me these things. But I’d be lying if I said I’m glad there is yet another holiday that enables my kids to go out there and shop for me.”

News of Cheap, Effective Contraceptive has Women Applauding Santorum Supporter

The news out of Michigan this morning is that not all women in America are angry at Santorum financial backer, Foster Friess for stating that a safe and effective form of birth control for women is a simple aspirin placed between the knees.

Women were lined up at pharmacies around the country buying up every aspirin tablet they could get their hands on and pharmacists were inundated with questions such as “Will BC Powder work just as effectively if I sprinkle some between my…uhm, legs?” and “What if all I can find is baby aspirin? Will that work as effectively, and if so, do I need to use three at a time?”

The most asked question of all, however, was “Ok, so if we are squeezing an aspiring between our knees, how exactly can we have sex without the aspirin dropping on the bed?”

“Not all of us think Mr. Friess is an unfeeling clod when it comes to women’s reproductive rights,” said Blossom Tennenbaum, who had been standing in line at her local Walmart Pharmacy for an hour trying to get a raincheck for plain aspirin.

“I can’t speak for all women,” she said, “But for me, this sure beats the hell out of having to remember to take a pill every day.”

In a related story, one major aspirin manufacturer is contemplating changing the name of one of its best-selling products from “Baby Aspirin” to Non-Baby Aspirin,” to cut down on the confusion created by Friess’ suggestion.

Mitt Romney Camp Hires Renowned Chuckle Coach

Mitt Romney has some of the richest conservatives on the earth backing him for President, but they are becoming increasingly worried that he’s losing favoritism in the polls.

Many believe it is just a phase and that in the end, Romney will win out over the other GOP candidates in order to face off against Barack Obama.

However, there is one billionaire backer who is demanding Romney make some changes now in order to keep his (the backer’s) money flowing to Romney’s campaign so he (the backer) can see a payoff come election time. One of those changes is the way Romney chuckles.

“He just sounds so darned insincere,” said the billionaire, wishing to remain anonymous. “In fact it is so pronounced, that I believe if nothing is done, Mitt may continue to lose ground in the primaries."

Tired of groaning every time Romney makes a joke, the billionaire has hired world renowned chuckle coach, William E. ‘Chuckles’ Butt (his real last name) to teach Mitt Romney how to chuckle sincerely at his own jokes.

“Hopefully,” said the billionaire, “the Butt jokes will help so that the next time Mitt pokes fun at the poor or reads something meant to be funny off his teleprompter, his chuckles will come across as if he actually gets the joke himself.”

Gun Sales Spike Dramatically This Valentine’s Day

"Oh man, she's got that new 'Be-My-Valentine'
tucked in her tube top...bitch!"

Thanks to some clever thinking on the part of an employee at one of the largest gun manufacturers in America, gun sales in the states of Georgia, Arkansas and Missouri are up over 400 per cent.

The product responsible for record sales is a pretty little target pistol sporting pink slides. The “Be-My-Valentine” series went on sale in early February and has since sold out several times. The manufacturer claims it is a natural alternative for redneck husbands and boyfriends tired of the standard gift fare at their local bait stores.

“We’ve been working around the clock so that all the fellas who want to give one of these sweet little pistols to their sweethearts can do so on Valentine’s Day,” said Nerf Wartstern, of GunShyMyEye Custom Gun Company in Euville, Arkansas.

In fact, the demand is so heavy for this particular model that Wartstern fears the company may not be able to fill all the orders until the middle of March, “which,” says Wartstern “may end up cutting into our manufacturing time for the ‘Shamrock Glock’ which is a kelly green-colored pistol we offer on St. Patty’s Day.”

President Obama Plans on Plying Republicans with Liquor to Get Budget Passed

President Barack Obama has just put the finishing touches on a 3.8 billion dollar spending plan and nothing would make him happier than to have the full support of the House and Senate. Unfortunately, the Republicans have no intention of allowing him any chance in hell of getting it passed--uh, especially in an election year. Hello, hello, anybody home?

But Obama knows this all too well and that’s why this time around, he’s playing the proverbial ace up his sleeve to get this deal passed. “I’m gonna send them loads of liquor and a note that says there’s plenty more where that came from,” said Obama at a speech in Tennessee. “I’m pretty darned sure that if I get their ringleader Boehner soused, which won’t be difficult at all to do, it’s just a matter of having him go around and do some pourin’,” said a confident Obama.

Obama hatched the unconventional scheme as he began a tour of a famous whiskey distillery. “All of a sudden it hit me. Rednecks love this stuff. You get a redneck drunk and they do all sorts of crazy stuff. Why, from what I hear, the crazy sons a guns even go fishing for giant catfish with their arms stuck way down into holes in the sides of river banks. So what’s stopping them from getting the bag on and passing my budget?”

Obama says he can remember a time when it took more than whiskey to get a deal done in Washington.

“Money wasn’t just being spent on liquor,” he said. “Lots of women were being hired to help get business done in Washington. Why, during the reign of the D.C. Madam, this town passed so many cockeyed bills, it’s taken us till now to unravel the mess.”

But since wife Michelle has issued a strict “no ho’s in Congress rule,’ the President is content with the liquor and has reportedly ordered a thousand cases of Lynchburg’s finest to have delivered to every member of the Republican House and Senate by Wednesday.

“I should have the signed budget back on my desk by Thursday morning, and if I play my cards right, I can get this thing wrapped up by noon, while the fellas are still sleeping it off,” said a beaming Obama.

Debt Collectors Forced to Make Calls on Themselves

When you talk about the economy being bad, you usually think this is great news for debt collectors. More people defaulting on their loans means more phone calls, and more phone calls means more bonus money in the pocket.

Unfortunately, not all debt collectors are good at squeezing blood out of a stone, and therefore, their bonus money just doesn’t exist. No place is more evident than Davidsburg, Indiana, a tiny little hamlet just outside Evansville. There, exists Acme Accounts Collectibles, which happens to be the largest employer in town.

While most of the employees of Acme make a pretty good living scaring the living daylights out of debtors by threatening to do everything but take their first born if they don’t pay up, there are several employees who can’t find it in their hearts to tell the little old ladies that their husbands are spending the bread and egg money at the nearby race track and they (Acme) are going to share that information with the local authorities if the debts aren’t paid toot suite.

One employee, in particular, Sherilee Hoskins, is just one of those bleeding hearts who is caught in an awful catch 22 of the debt collection kind. Since she finds it hard to twist the nipples of the bare-chested (a term used by many hardened debt collectors), her own financial situation suffers. In order to make ends meet each month, she is required to contact herself two, three, sometimes even four times a day and call herself every name in the book.

“I’m just so tired of calling myself a mooch,” said Sherilee, “but in order to put food on the table, this parasite has to toe the hoe or whatever the hell they make me say to myself.” She then added, “The worst part about it is when I hang up on myself. I hate when that happens,” she said tearfully.

There are others just like Sherilee who are in the same boat and being told to call their own cell phones between the other calls and give themselves hell.

 “Some days it’s easy,” says Will Forabuck. “I feel so beat up just having to yell at other people that I start thinking, ‘yeah, you are a drain on society or you don’t deserve to breathe the same air as everyone else,’ just basically the same things we all are told to say to the other deadbeats, and it starts to all blend together. But,” says Forabuck, “if I want to keep driving around in my new Silverado, this freeloader has to be a lot harder on himself.”

Rumors Surface Once More that Jeb Bush is Entering GOP Race

The Godfather of the GOP, Karl Rove, has hinted that he still has a few tricks up his sleeve to turn the GOP Presidential race back into a somewhat respectable spectacle. Speaking last night at a Rotary Club Dinner given in honor of George H. W. Bush, who Rove claims was one of the finest Presidents this side of Reagan, Rove gave very strong indications that he is about ready to pop with joy.

“Gentlemen,” Rove began, “light your cigars, sit back and let that big porterhouse steak digest, and just relax. Daddy’s gonna give you some very, very good news.”

The news, apparently, is that Rove and daddy Bush are at it again. This time, they are pushing Jeb Bush into the Presidential ring.

“We were going to wait this out and see if the boys [Romney and Gingrich] could play nice enough to get our base ignited again,” said Rove, “but we seriously underestimated their stupidity.”

Rove went on to say that the only way the GOP has a [expletive] chance of winning this [expletive] race is to get a God-[expletive] fella in there who can make nicey-nice with the Kochs, schmooz the female vote, and, of course, win Florida back from Romney.

When reminded that the Florida ship has already sailed—meaning the primary has already taken place, Rove replied, “Rules are made to be broken. In fact,” said Rove, “the GOP allowed Florida to move its primary ahead, and we all found out real quick what a complete boneheaded move that was. But we can fix that so that Jeb still has a chance in that state.”

Rove was in top form as he explained to the crowd how Gerrymandering works.

“What you do is slice a few key districts from Florida (meaning Republicans of course) and attach them to the adjoining states that haven’t held primaries yet, i.e. Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Louisiana, not to mention making Puerto Rico a Miami county. Then we throw Jeb in the race and see him take those states. By then, the momentum will have taken hold, and voila, another Bush in the White House--bye-bye Romney.”

Asked about the other candidates, especially Gingrich, Rove was on it. “We send him to Nevada and tell him they are having a party in his honor, ply him full of liquor and give him a few blonde bombshells to take his mind off politics for awhile and by April, he won’t even remember why he entered the race.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger Treats Sylvester Stallone to Elective Surgery

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were spotted side-by-side at a local hospital on Thursday. While Schwarzenegger appeared to have just come from shoulder surgery, it was not immediately clear what Stallone was in the same hospital for.

That is, until Ahnold let the cat out of the bag. “I get lonely sometimes when I have to go into the hospital,” said Schwarzenegger. “It helps when I have someone there with me, so I offered to pay for some elective surgery for my buddy, Sly.”

Unfortunately, one of the procedures Stallone elected to have was a plumping up of the lips, which left him temporarily unable to utter intelligible words.

“That’s ok,” joked Schwarzenegger, “the guy has such a heavy accent, I never really could understand him.”

Both actors were expected to make a full recovery and be back on the set together in no time.

Republicans Blame Millionaires for Creating Too Many New Jobs

The GOP National Committee issued a statement late Friday evening chastising its millionaire members for creating new jobs and making the Republican candidates for President look like fools when going after Barack Obama.

“The economy is recovering faster than we anticipated, jobs are becoming plentiful again, and we are having a difficult time convincing our constituents that any changes need to take place,” said John Hollingsworth, GOP spokesperson in Washington, D.C. “The whole thing is turning back in on us, and we have our millionaires to blame.”

The latest job numbers indicate that more than 240,000 new private sector jobs were added to the rolls in January, and the weekly unemployment claims dropped by another 12,000.

“You have to be freakin’ kidding me,” Newt Gingrich was quoted saying as he readied himself for a speech in Las Vegas ahead of the Saturday caucus. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this information?” he asked no one in particular.

A Gingrich spokesperson has reportedly said that if the situation worsens, meaning jobs become even more plentiful, Gingrich is ready and willing to bow out of the race and let Mitt Romney suffer the ire of his supporters for the job creation fiasco that seems to be gaining momentum.

Ghost of Dead Conservative Couple Following Mitt Romney Around

We're Watching You Willard

When he waffles on an issue or appears to be going a bit soft on President Obama, Mitt Romney gets an invisible tap on the shoulder, or his papers will shift ever so slightly, making it hard for him to concentrate on what he is talking about.

Two ghostly apparitions that have been witnessed by several of Romney’s aides are being blamed for the seemingly inexplicable events.

“They appear to be an older couple,” said Marsha Willingsworth, one of Romney’s speech writers, who is also interested in the supernatural. “I’ve seen them [the ghosts] several times, always standing directly behind Mr. Romney, and always appearing to listen to him intently. I call them Thurston and Lovey, after the millionaire characters on Gilligan’s Island."

Willingsworth claims she has witnessed Thurston tapping Romney more than once when it appears he is heading in a direction he [Thurston] doesn’t like, such as Romney’s recent statements that he believes President Obama is turning the economy around.

“As of late, Thurston is turning up the heat,” said Willingsworth, “and I don’t know just how far the ghost will go to see that his conservative values are being met even in death.”

Meanwhile, Romney claims there is no such thing as ghosts and therefore refuses to believe it is anything more than just a rustling of wind or a wardrobe needing adjustment.

“I did feel a swift kick in the pants once while giving a speech to the Rotary Club in Des Moines, Iowa,” said Romney, “but I’d just had my suits altered that morning and believe the tailor may have gotten the inseam measurement a bit wrong.”

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow; Predicts Six More Months of Newt Gingrich

Folks in Pennsylvania have been complaining for years about all the taxpayer money they spend on lavishing their resident star groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, with the best hole in the county and some of the finest fruits and vegetables around. For what they’re spending, they don’t feel they are getting much more than a quick peek out the hole every year to see how much more of a winter they have to endure.

So this year they decided to make the groundhog work a little harder for his fame and have given him a second job, that of political predictalator. Just as Paul the Psychic Octopus became famous predicting the winners in the last Soccer World Cup, Punxsutawney Phil or just “Phil the Predictalator” as he is now known, was given a chance to predict just how much more voters had to endure of one particular candidate for President, Newt Gingrich.

“At first,” said Mayor John Rhodent, “we thought we should use an actual newt to predict the length of stay of Gingrich on the political scene, but after several attempts at pinning one down (they are extremely slimy and hard to catch), we decided to just tack on the job to Phil’s other duties.”

Asked why they were only interested in how much longer Newt Gingrich would run and not the other three candidates, including the frontrunner, Mitt Romney, Rhodent said this “Don’t know really. Guess someone made the connection between a large rodent and Gingrich. That and the fact that we’d all had a bit too much to drink night before last, and the more we thought about it, we figured ‘why the hell not?’”

Mitt Romney Keeping Several Offshore Wives in the Cayman Islands

Authorities in the Cayman Islands are remaining mum after reports have surfaced this week indicating that in addition to the large sums of money Mitt Romney has stored in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands, he also has a mansion which houses multiple wives.

According to website AskMen, some men don’t need an offshore bank account but admit it is a pretty good pick up line and is something straight out of a James Bond movie. This leads some to wonder if that’s how you get multiple women to marry you.

While keeping multiple wives doesn’t sound at all sexy to most men, it does have a certain appeal when it comes to the question “who is powerful enough to lead a nation?” Obviously, to some men, the more wives the more power.

Romney, a devout Mormon, denies the rumors and reiterates the fact that Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But, he admits he is flattered that anyone would think he could take on more than just one wife at a time. Said Romney, “Let’s just say that if it were legal, I’d have all the wives right here at home,” and then quickly changed the subject by bringing up the fact that some men are the marrying type and some are the divorcing type, referring to his bitter rival, Newt Gingrich.

Koch Brothers Paying Gingrich to Run to Make Romney More Palatable

Seems these days no one wants to be in Newt Gingrich’s shoes and the only ones convinced that he should be our next President are himself and a handbag of Tea Party nutwings like Hermain Cain and Sarah Palin. Gingrich isn’t a stupid man, so it begs the question why does he continue to show up at rallies and declare himself the best man for the job?

Money. It always comes down to money. While it cannot be confirmed (in any real sense of the word in a meaningful way), some sources close to the Romney camp are saying things like “Let’s just say the money is on Mitt but the real money is on Gingrich.”  What?

Translation: The Koch Brothers are doing everything in their power to make their candidate, Mitt Romney look like the only option, including throwing money at the Gingrich campaign to keep Newt on the trail, spouting his ridiculous promises.

“The moon thing was my idea,” says David Koch. “I about laughed my ass off when I saw Newt up there telling America he was gonna put a colony on the moon if he was President.”

“He’s a smart man, but he’s so, so gullible,” chimed in Charles Koch. “I just love it when he tells folks how he’s responsible for keeping the Republican Party intact. That is just priceless,” said Charles. “Everyone knows it’s Koch money that is assuring the Republican Party’s success. Without us, the GOP would just be the same old boring song and dance, but when we jazzed it up with a little Tea Party dissent, it sparkled.”

Meanwhile, there are rumors in the Romney camp that Mitt is getting a bit anxious about actually becoming President. “I keep hearing rumors that being President means you actually have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty occasionally,” said Mitt. “Wonder if it is too late to back out and just let Gingrich have the job.”

Hare Krishnas Tossing Real Flowers; Now Twisting Balloons for Tips

It has been almost two years since the California Supreme Court ruled that Los Angeles and other California cities may ban Hare Krishnas from panhandling at airports. Since then, the Hare Krishnas have been busy trying to find avenues around the laws to allow them to once again get money into their coffers while spreading their message of peace and love.

Whereas before, Krishnas would hand out flowers in expectation of receiving a donation for their society, it has been ruled that this is illegal and must stop.

So, what to do?

Fortunately, several months ago, a couple of Hare Krishna devotees were having coffee at a local IHOP when they noticed a man walking around offering to twist balloons into various shapes for the patrons--for a fee of course. The Krishnas noticed that the man was making anywhere from $2 to $5 for each toy.

“The lightbulb went ‘bling!’” said Abhay Dhir, a down-on-his-luck devotee who just so happened to know someone who worked at the local Party Store. “I knew I could get the balloons really cheap. All we needed to do is learn how to twist them to look like daisies. It was pure genius.”

After checking with his ACLU lawyers, Abhay was able to ascertain whether or not balloon twisting for money in airports is legal. Turns out it is.

“The rest is taking care of itself,” said Abhay. He has trained over 100 devotees the art of twisting balloons into daisies and they are once again ready to head into California’s airports to spread their message and make a little money.

“Each balloon comes with a little message from the Hare Krishnas,” said Abhay. “The best part of all is that we haven’t met one person yet who hates watching a balloon flower take shape, even while doing so means having to sit through several verses of the Hare Krishna mantra.”