Barry's Backyard Burials

Waldeburg, WI – Tough times are hitting everyone including the dead. Folks are so busy trying to keep their homes and their cars that there’s no money left in some budgets to bury their dead. Cities all across the country have seen a rise in people abandoning their newly deceased family members and letting the local authorities take care of the body.

In Waldeburg, Wisconsin, though, folks wishing to save money while giving their loved ones a decent home burial have an option. For less than it costs to throw a fine Irish wake, Barry’s Backyard Burials will supply you with a pine box complete with travel pillow, a wooden cross with the deceased’s name etched on it, and a pot of mums, in season. Barry and his crew will come to your home and dig a hole on your property in accordance with local ordinances, and leave instructions on exactly how the hole should be filled in. The rest is up to you.

Why pay thousands of dollars to the local mortuary and cemetery when Barry’s Backyard Burials can do the same thing, sans embalming. As long as you own your property, and plan on staying there awhile, Barry’s offers a great option for cash-strapped mourners. And, according to suppliers of pine boxes, you’ll be doing the environment a favor too as pine boxes are environmentally friendly.

Cash for Clunkers: Herbie the Love Bug Traded In for 2009 Kia Rio

Reno, NV - The lovable Herbie The Love Bug VW Beetle was taken in as scrap this week at Bud Glow’s Rio Showcase Car Dealership in Reno, Nevada. The car’s owner, Delora Upswing, said the car was given to her as a present from a friend years ago and she just kept it locked up in the garage.

As soon as she heard about the Cash for Clunkers program, she decided it was time to part ways with the little fellow and get herself a sporty new ride.

When she went to start Herbie, he sputtered and coughed and she thought he wouldn’t make it, but true to form, he started running like a top. “It’s a shame I should get rid of this cute little car,” said Delora, “but he’s too out of date.” At that, Herbie’s bright headlights began to fade as he slowly rolled down the driveway and took Delora for one last ride, oil conspicuously dripping from his tear ducts.

Once they arrived at Bud Glow’s, Herbie was escorted to the back of the lot with the rest of the dejected clunkers. Delora, meanwhile, got a great deal from Bud himself, and drove off the lot in her brand new Rio, not even looking back at Herbie.


Update: Since last reported, Herbie has been saved. An old mechanic named Don, who works for Bud, realized who Herbie was and offered to take him off the lot for the cost of salvage. Last seen Don was cruising the streets of Reno with Herbie flashing his lights and wagging his windshield wipers.

C’mon. This is a comedy site. You really think I’d off Herbie?

Olbermann and O'Reilly Feud Defused

Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly have agreed to take off the boxing gloves and play nicey-nice on air pursuant to a deal struck by their daddies, Jeffrey Immelt, head of General Electric and Rupert Murdock, who owns News Corporation. No longer will the feud be openly fought within the MSNBC/FOX arena.

“It’s hurting business and when business hurts, we all hurt,” said an unidentified spokesperson. However, according to the polls, every time Olbermann attacks O’Reilly on air, the ratings spike and one has to wonder how that can hurt business. Ad revenues are through the ceiling. Although ratings are barely affected one way or the other when O’Reilly attacks back. Still, people tune into the news to be entertained, not informed.

Some people are wondering if this latest in a string of “kiss and make up” stories is another Obama victory. Perhaps no one is letting on that he was secretly invited to the meeting between Immelt, Murdock, Olbermann and O’Reilly when moderator Charlie Rose just couldn’t get anyone to budge. A White House spokesperson did comment just moments after the meeting that “once you get everyone to play a few rounds of quarters, all the hate and tension tends to just melt away.”

Ten Things You Might Hear at the Apocalypse

1. Man, I didn’t see that coming.

2. Wow, where’d you learn to ride a horse like that?

3. There goes the wheat crop.

4. President Cheney announced today that China…

5. I never figured God could get this mad.

6. Man, it’s hotter than hell out here today, ain’t it?

7. Well, doc, the headaches started about the same time I began the teeth gnashing.

8. Met this girl at the bar last night and invited her up for a nightcap. One minute we’re talking about rapture and the next minute she’s gone.

9. Does anyone know what seal we’re up to now? Is it six, seven?

10. She was a semi-successful writer until she decided to write that satirical piece about the end of the world.

The Clintons--WTF's New Political Tag Team

Washington, DC – In what has been billed a first in heavy weight political maneuvers, the tag team of Hillary and Bill Clinton have succeeded in taking down America’s meanest competitor, Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Hillary’s visit to Southeast Asia two weeks ago was initially seen as unproductive and served only to enrage further an already angry mob of North Koreans who likened her to a mean mother.

Little did the North Koreans know that Hillary was the first punch of a Clinton one-two, to be followed up by her husband, Bill Clinton, in a surprise visit to North Korea this week. Said Hillary, “I was just warming them up. By the time Bill got in there, they didn’t know what hit them. It was a TKO (take Korea out).”

Once Clinton got what he’d come for—the release of two American journalists jailed in North Korea on spying charges—he hopped on a plane flanked by the journalists and with a flash of his cape, was gone.

Although no one at the White House expected such a positive outcome, the Secretary and the Attaché, as Hill and Bill are professionally known, had no doubts. “We’ve been practicing this move since the 1980’s” said Bill. “We like to call it ‘The Ole Switcheroo.’”

Mel Gibson: Just Making it Up as I Go Along Folks

Just when you think Mel Gibson couldn’t get any more unwound, out pops a story that makes you shake your head all over again. It’s one thing to reach a certain point in your life where you begin to question the religious tenets fed you in childhood and begin a personal spiritual journey to determine what your belief system may really be. It’s quite another thing, though, to simply take the parts of your childhood religion that you don’t like and twist them in such a way that it benefits you and your egg-headed life decisions.

Case in point, Mel Gibson's request to the Catholic Church to have his marriage annulled. This has to piss off a few people. For starters, his eight kids? What is it with 8 kids being in the news all the time too? Sorry, got sidetracked. Back to Mel. Perhaps he’s beginning to believe the stories that he has more money than God. Whatever it is, he seems to be using his money to cure what makes him unhappy, and he’s doing it in larger than life ways.

Unhappy with your church? Build your own. Mel had his own church built in the Malibu Hills called the Church of the Holy Family.(Emphasis on Family) Sorry, but this just cracks me up. You’ll see why in a minute. Anyway, Mel broke with the Catholic Church and evidently thinks others want to follow in his footsteps, so he’s giving them a place to do it. If you have the money and the inclination, I say why not?

Here’s the funny part though. Since Gibson can’t persuade the Catholic Church to annul his marriage, he can just annul it himself. Clever eh? It goes to follow that the Catholic Church will not bless his union with wife #2, who, by the way is preggers with his child out of wedlock, another Catholic no-no, so he’ll get married in his own Church. See where this is headed? Mel has, himself, gotten so high and mighty that he can do just about anything and have it approved by or pardoned by a Church, albeit the Mel Gibson Church of the Holy Family.

And sure, he may be able to get away with it down here, but wait till God gets a hold of him.

Nadya and Kate Create Momopoly on Reality Shows

Nadya Suleman, known as Octomom, and Kate Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, have joined forces to create what may be the first momopoly of motherhood-related reality shows.

With 22 kids between them, they’ve decided to pool the insane amounts of money being thrown at them for having more buns in the oven than the Pillsbury doughboy, to form Octomom Productions, in hopes of continuing to exploit their children on various reality shows until they reach the age of consent or lose their novelty, whichever comes first.

Plans to purchase Neverland Ranch as headquarters for the entire brood are in the negotiation stages. Said Nadya, “Kate and I have become very close since our first meeting to compare big baby belly pictures, and once Jon decided to be like every other lying, rat bastard dad who walked the earth with his promises to love and honor until the babies start screaming and crying at all hours of the night and he has a freakin’ hangover because he can drink but Kate can’t cause she has to nurse and you look at him and say ‘get out of her freakin’ life you sex fiend’ if he goes even close enough to wish sex on her again…” whereupon, the interview was cut short due to Nadya’s inability to utter a coherent sentence.