Clinton Township Police Blotter – Bigfoot Sighting

Mt. Clemens, MI – Seems with the cold weather approaching, there has been a rash of bigfoot sightings in the Mt. Clemens area, the most recent occurring last Sunday behind the local Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar out on 15 Mile Road in Clinton Township. Officer Stan Down was called to the scene by BWW employee, Lou Klively, who was visibly shaken by what he saw. “Yeah, I was goin’ out there to throw out the trash like I always do, and about this time I sees this big hairy thing not more’n 10 feet from me take off into the woods right over there,” he said pointing to a thicket of bushes and trees that line a creek area just west of the strip mall.

While it was hard for Klively to give a complete description of the person or thing that he saw, he is almost 100% positive it was one sort of bigfoot or another. Said Kively, “now I know it weren’t no Yeti cause they live up in the mountains or something, and I can’t say for sure if it was a sasquatch or a skunk ape, cause although it did smell a bit out here, that coulda been the rancid butter sauce I threw out earlier. So I’m gonna go with saying I’m 99% sure it was just your average bigfoot feller.”

Officer Down, during his investigation, found what he first thought might be human finger bones, cracked at the knuckles, but upon closer examination, he determined they were, in fact, chicken bones. Bigfoot creatures are known to like marrow and, during the colder months especially, it is an essential part of their diet. However, over on the other side of the dumpster there appeared to be half of a larger than human footprint in a puddle of bleu cheese dressing, obviously spilled by the creature when he was startled by Kively. “Yeah, he was out here having himself a meal alright,” said Officer Down. “The only thing missing was the crudité platter.”

Willow Creek, CA bigfoot expert, Homer Dickson III, son of Dick Dickson, one of the most famous bigfoot hunters in the country, is flying out next week to investigate the sighting and see if he can locate any more information about this particular band of bigfeet that seem to be living very close to the BWW. According to Dickson, sightings of bigfoot creatures are up all over the country. "When times are lean for America, that means, they are lean for all creatures. With fewer Americans having the time or the money to camp out in the woods, these creatures are being forced to forage for food where they would not normally do so, i.e. in dumpsters behind strip malls. There have been a rash of sightings over in Kings Mill out behind the Walmart over there and we're gonna investigate those sightings as well while we're in Michigan," he said.

The mayor of Mt. Clemens, Barb D. Empsey, welcomes the Dicksons with open arms. “Folks around here have been on edge, claiming they’re seeing things and wondering if they’ll be next to run into one of these bigfeet creatures. Although, we can’t be sure they exist, it can’t hurt to have these guys come out here with their chrome magnonmeters and their electronosphincters to test the area for possible infestation. Until they give the all clear, I’m urging all Mt. Clemens citizens to stay in their homes and only go out at night if absolutely necessary.”

Sarah’s Greyhound Really a Gulfstream (jet, that is)

Let’s refocus here, people. Just because a couple of wingnuts crashed a party in Washington, and some athlete, who shall remain nameless, crashed his pretty car and admitted to a few indiscretions; or, just because our President kinda let us think he was gonna do something really brave and order the withdrawal of troops from an unwinnable war but instead decided, what the hell, let’s give it one more go on the taxpayer’s dime. Let’s not lose sight of the really important news that went from front page to page 9 a little too quickly--Sarah Palin’s bogus bus tour.

Oh yeah, there’s a bus alright and sure enough, it’s got her larger-than-life picture plastered on the sides, and it is parked outside each venue she visits to sign that humdinger of a book everyone is jonesing to have in their library. I’m sorry, did I say everyone? Maybe that was a bit of an overstatement. But there is a book tour and there is a book and there is a bus with one lonely-ass bus driver, and now, there’s a jet. No wait, there is more than one jet. There are a couple of jets that just happen to be in the towns where Palin is signing her books and from which she and her entourage disembark and are whisked back upon that fancy trailer away from home and driven the couple miles or so to the next signing.

In case you haven’t heard, one of the jets she flew into Asheville, NC for her Sunday-go-to-prayer-and-political-strategy-meetin’ with the Reverend Billy Graham and his son, Franklin Graham, is owned by none other than the organization known as Samaritan’s Purse. Who, you ask? Oh, that would be one of the charitable organizations owned by the Graham family. That organization actually owns 4 planes and one of them just happens to be a Beech 300 with the N-Number N262SP. Yep, the one that got Sarah to dinner on time in Asheville.

Now, the reason we mentioned this is, do the good folks who are giving their money to this charitable organization know that their dollars are being spent to fly the Palin party in style? Straight from the Samaritan’s Purse web page that discusses Financial Accountability, we find this:

“Because the Lord supplies us with resources for ministry through individual contributions, we recognize our accountability both to Him and to our donors. We have a responsibility to be faithful stewards and to maintain integrity and openness in our financial practices. Therefore, we are committed to fulfilling the following standards…Our fund-raising appeals clearly identify the purpose and programs to which donations will be applied, and we ensure that donations are used for the purposes for which they were raised…Occasionally, we receive more contributions for a given project than can be wisely applied to that project. When that happens, we use these funds to meet a similar pressing need. Our policy is to meet the needs God lays before us, so that Christ is lifted up and the Gospel advanced.”

Can we assume that some project received way more money than necessary and it was deemed that the funds were used on the pressing need of not only lifting Christ up, but also lifting Ms. Palin and her entourage up to and from dinner at the Graham abode, because without her presence, the Gospel could not be as advanced as they would like? But if the Graham family doesn’t have a problem with accountability, why then did Franklin Graham have the flight activity for the plane blocked in the FAA records? Hmm? I’m gonna give credit where credit is due on this one. A reader of the Celtic Diva’s Blue Oasis Blog out of Alaska found the jet information after viewing a video of Palin touching down in Asheville, NC. If you go to that website, you’ll see the video and his comments.

Oh, one other thought. If Ms. Palin thought it was too extravagant to have a private jet while Governor of Alaska (remember, she made one heck of a scene out of how she was selling that darned awful jet on E-bay so that she wouldn’t look like a spendthrift), what, pray tell, changed her mind this time around? Is all that attention and fame going to her head as it would many? Nothing to be ashamed of, but at some point in time, she’s gonna have to change her “down-to-earth, homespun” façade to catch up to the new, improved hoity-toity Sarah Palin who thinks it’s ok to leave approximately 300 book buyers, who stood out in the cold for as long as 7 hours in Noblesville, Indiana, high and dry because she just couldn’t sign any more books. It ain’t no big deal, right? To her defense, she did apologize…a day later after the damage had been done. You never disappoint, Sarah.

Michaele Salahi and Ann Coulter are Sisters

A junior reporter for the bi-monthly socialite newspaper, Washington Society News, while doing research on the backgrounds of Michaele and Tareq Salahi, has uncovered a most interesting fact. Michaele Salahi and syndicated columnist Ann Coulter may be sisters. Born Michelle Ann Holt, it is believed that Michaele and Ann may share the same mother.

While Ann Coulter is vehemently denying this rumor saying that everyone should know that no sister of hers would ever want to rub elbows with a bunch of Democrats, Michaele and Tareq are happy to finally have this news out in the open. “Ok, you got us again,” said Michaele. “We just can’t keep anything a secret can we?”

Once the information was leaked, it is reported that the Salahis contacted Ann Coulter, offering to go away quietly if she would pay them a six figure amount. “Look, we’ve been shopping our White House story all around town and it can’t last forever. We need to think of our futures and although blood is thicker than money, we just can’t pass up these opportunities when they present themselves,” said Tareq.

Asked if they have proof of the fact that Ann is Michaele’s sister, Michaele began digging in her purse telling the reporter, “yeah, I have a birth certificate right here,” but couldn’t seem to produce it.

Meanwhile, officials at Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom have denied rumors that Michaele and Taraq posed as guests of honor, Minnie and Mickey Mouse, two weeks ago during Walt Disney’s Parade of Dreams, but an unidentified employee confirms that they, in fact, did pull a fast one at Disney and when discovered, were quickly escorted out of the Magic Kingdom.

John Boehner Changes Last Name to BAY-ner

Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) held a press conference last week to announce that he has started the process within the Ohio State court system to officially change his family name from Boehner (pronounced Boner) to BAY-ner (what he says is the correct pronunciation of his last name according to his official website). Boehner has tried unsuccessfully his entire career to convince his constituents and others that the correct pronunciation of his name is BAY-ner; however, that pronunciation has just not caught on.

Tired of the hang up calls left on his congressional office voice mail asking for Mr. Boner, Rep. Boehner was forced to take action. “Look, I’ll tell you what this is really about,” he said. “I have every intention of running for President in 2012, and I think that with people mispronouncing my name as Mr. Boner, I will not be able to demand the respect and serious consideration I will need while running a presidential campaign.”

The press conference was cut short due to uncontrollable laughter.

Lloyd's of London Insures Adam Lambert's Crotch for $1 Million

Los Angeles, CA – Lloyd’s of London (Lloyd’s), perhaps best known for its unusual insurance policies on various body parts of the rich and famous, including Tina Turner’s legs, Celine Dion’s vocal chords, and burlesque stripper, Tempest Storm’s breasts, has just announced that it has contracted with singer Adam Lambert to insure Lambert’s crotch for $1 Million Dollars.

A spokesperson for Lloyd’s would not discuss the specifics of the policy other than to state that this policy will help to ensure the safety of Lambert’s privates while he is forced to simulate sex acts on stage.

Asked why he decided to take out this insurance policy, Lambert stated that he and his handlers realized the very real risk of Lambert overshooting his thrust into another dancer’s face, and thereby causing permanent bruising to his member. In addition, they have been advised by Lambert’s doctors that excessive thrusting can eventually lead to penile arthritis, a very painful permanent condition.

Trying not to get too personal, Lambert was asked what precautions, if any, he is taking to assure that his crotch will have a long and successful career in show business. A smiling Lambert responded, “You bet I’m protecting this asset,” he said while grabbing his crotch. “This fella is getting me way more recognition than my voice ever did. I will be having special cups designed to match my outfits. I can’t give out too much information, but suffice it to say, there will be spikes and studs galore.”

A spokesperson from Lloyd’s added, those special cups, together with this insurance policy, will give Adam the peace of mind he needs to just go out on stage and give it his all, no more holding back like at the American Music Awards Show.”

When asked why he wasn’t insuring his lips also, as they will be used as well in the simulated sex acts, Lambert replied, “Actually, we did insure my lips and my tongue, but for a lot less money. I think each one is only insured for the minimum star coverage of $100,000 each. I’ll be using the crotch a lot more than the mouth, so it was decided that at this point in time, there was no reason to over-insure those parts.” He added, laughing, “don’t want to end up insurance poor, you know.”

Obama Unveils Big Brother/Big Sister Buddy Plan

Washington, D.C. - Americans are being asked to team up and pool their resources to further stem the tide of inflation and allow everyone a better chance of getting back on their feet. President Obama, over the weekend, issued a statement regarding his “Buddy Breaks” initiative.

“Think of it as the ‘Big Brother/Big Sister approach’ to ending poverty,” said President Obama from the Oval office just minutes before holding a press conference on the White House lawn late in the day yesterday.

When asked how it would work, Michelle Obama took the opportunity to explain. “We Americans, as a people, are strong and independent. However, sometimes we need a little extra to get us through. What Barack has put together is a comprehensive plan whereby every single American who is out of work will be teamed with an American who has a great-paying job and has money in the bank. The poor American will be able to live slightly better than he did, while the well-off American can do with less. It’s a win/win situation.”

Immediately hands went up from reporters, with the main question being “what about your critics who say that you are already running a Socialist government? Do you really want to hold hands with the Big Brother/Big Sister concept?” With his usual calm demeanor, President Obama answered their questions with questions. “Do you honestly think I care what my critics have to say? If I do not acknowledge Fox News, does it not cease to exist?”

Wha? Michelle picked up where she left off. “Look, people, did you not hear the ‘tough economic times’ part of this speech? We believe this is the perfect opportunity to help more than one group of people come out of it with at least some dignity intact. Here’s what we propose. First of all, there are single folks who may already have one strike against them by being not that desirable looking, but may also have the added stigma of being out of work. Then there is the hunk or model-type person who is riding high on a wave of just landing their first six-figure job because, let’s face it, pretty people get the best jobs. Anyway, let’s team them up, homely girl, handsome guy, who knows, love may blossom, it may not, but at any rate, the girl gets to live in a penthouse and the guy, well, he’s got the satisfaction of knowing he’s helping his country climb back to the top.”

“Let me interrupt, Michelle,” chimed in the President. “We are not saying that anyone is sub-perior, we just know that in this country there still exist some personal prejudices and if the government can step in to help tide some of those prejudices and make a lot of lives happier in the process, we’re happy to do so. This is not only for young folks. We see a large percentage of ‘pairings’ between hale and hardy working adults, male and female, buddying up with retired folks who have lost most of their savings due to the recent financial downturn. Not only will the older folks have someone bringing in the money on a regular basis, but, if they play their cards right, may even get a sponge bath or two in the deal. It all depends on who you are buddied with.”

One reporter asked, “Excuse me, Mr. President, but are you saying that these people will not know who they are being paired with?” The President answered, “Well, Connie, we haven’t ironed all the bugs out of this proposal yet, but what we do know is this, anyone who voluntarily agrees to team up with an opposite can have their choice AND will get a nice $250 bonus check in the mail. For those who do not go along with the program, they are going to have to take their chances as to whom they are teamed with. Now, let me say this. This only applies to the good citizens who make from nothing to $250,000. Anyone making over $250,000 a year, will be exempt from the program. They can join voluntarily, but we don’t anticipate too many of them doing that. And there are safeguards built in for those thinking of quitting their high-paying jobs to be able to buddy up with someone who prefers to work. Those folks will be penalized for not going along with the spirit of the Big Brother/Big Sister program.”

“What about couples and families?” asked one reporter. Michelle answered, “Again, we haven’t thought this entirely through yet, so we are just going to see how the pilot program works. We anticipate that if say “poor homely Mary” is paired with “rich, successful, handsome Rick,” and Mary’s family has fallen on hard times, then we may have a provision in the plan to siphon some of Rick’s monthly salary to the family to keep them afloat. Of course, Rick will then get to deduct this expense from his taxes at the end of the year and if it exceeds his personal exemption, may mean that he will get a nice refund check from the IRS in the spring. Nice surprise.”

When asked how much he anticipates the Big Brother/Big Sister Buddy Plan will cost U.S. taxpayers, President Obama replied “Actually, the only cost to the American taxpayers will be for administrative costs and bonus initiatives, including tax refunds. We have a ballpark figure of $10 billion dollars, but again, it depends on how quickly we can get folks teamed up. We’re looking to get the first batch teamed by spring and we’ll see how it goes from there.”

At that, the lovely Mr. and Mrs. Obama thanked everyone for coming, turned, and walked arm-in-arm back into the White House.

Palin’s Book “Going Rogue” Recalled

HarperCollins has recalled all copies of Sarah Palin’s Book, “Going Rogue” and has agreed to refund the purchase price to anyone who wants it. According to a late-breaking press release, the title of the book is missing an extra word and no one caught it until now. The correct title of the book is “Going Rogue Hunting.”

A spokesperson for HarperCollins has indicated that this is one of the largest recalls ever in the publishing industry and agrees that “sometimes, just one misplaced or omitted word can really make a difference.”

HarperCollins expects to have corrected copies of the book ready for distribution within the next two weeks, and is offering an additional incentive to book owners to return the defective copies by offering a second book free, Glenn Beck’s “An Inconvenient Book.”