Obama Assistant Caught E-mailing Palin as 2012 Secret Adviser

Washington, DC - Lots of people around this time of year get e-mails and cards and letters from secret admirers that profess from a safe place just how they feel about their romantic targets.

In a troubling story out of Washington though, an aide to President Obama has put quite a twist on the secret admirer thing-y and has used it as a tool against one of the President’s most fierce opponents, Sarah Palin.

Susie (Suze) Ruze was reportedly relieved of her clerical duties early Monday morning and her White House e-mail account was suspended after it was learned that she had sent over a couple dozen e-mails directly to Sarah Palin on matters that would have been classified information had they not been blatant lies. Ms. Ruze is believed to be a member of the W.A.S.P. movement, i.e. Women Against Sarah Palin.

Ms. Ruze was caught when the astute White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, put two and two together. “When I heard Palin state that she was ‘receiving daily e-mailed briefings from people in Washington on events and issues there,’ I got a little suspicious,” said Gibbs. “Then, when I went back and watched a video that had Palin saying ‘Obama could win re-election if he is seen as a tough president in a time of war... for example, that he could play ‘the war card’ by attacking Iran, or express stronger support for Israel,’ well, I knew for sure at that point that someone who must really have it in for Ms. Palin was feeding her some really stupid things to say, and she was taking the bait--hook, line and sinker--and that’s when I started looking at Obama’s own staff members for clues.

We suspected it might be Suze Ruze as she had this funny little tic over her right eye that would get going really good whenever any one of us would say the name Sarah Palin. She just went a little ballistic thinking about the woman.”

When questioned, Ruze finally admitted that she was the one who sent Palin the e-mail about Obama waging war to see just how gullible and uninformed Ms. Palin really was. “I had to think up something that Palin would run with and boy did she scoop that puppy up,” said Ruze. “I did it because she asked for it. Was it not Sarah Palin who said on Fox News that ‘Now, of course, my focus...has been enlarged. So I sure as heck better be more astute on these current events, national issues, than I was two years ago…?’ I figured, wow, what a great opportunity to help a sister out,” said Ruze, who’s eyelid was now ticking uncontrollably.

When Ruze was asked whether or not that was the first time she decided to help Ms. Palin out with a few civics, geography and current events facts, Ms. Ruze replied, “no, I had been doing it on and off long before that. I’d had enough of the ‘seein’ Alaska from her home,’ and not knowing why there were two Koreas, and though those things were pretty annoying, the straw that broke the camel’s back was hearing about her making all that damned money for a book she didn’t even write. I guess I just got carried away with wanting to give her a better understanding of how Washington works.”

But it was the e-mail that advised Palin to talk about Obama using the “war card” that finally led to Ms. Ruze being caught. “If it weren’t for the fact that Suze got bolder and bolder as she went along and went from just giving little innocuous pieces of information to make Palin look a tad unprepared and perhaps not as educated as her contemporaries, to actually telling her to say on national television that President Obama may have a chance of winning an election if he started another controversial war, well, she just went over the top on that one, and it’s the one that got her, and Palin good,” said Gibbs.

The FBI is not giving any details as to the e-mail moniker Susie Ruze used to give her misleading information to Palin, but they have now involved Google, as it appears to have come from a Gmail account both within the White House and a possible second e-mail account outside of the White House. In addition, there may also be several Twitter accounts that are involved and the FBI is looking into this possibility. Because of this, Ms. Ruze’s Blackberry has been confiscated and her account suspended until this can all be sorted out.

Burt Reynolds Post

As most of you who know me, know that I am not a mean-spirited person, and I take writing satire very seriously. While my story on Burt Reynolds only got one negative comment, it was enough to make me re-think posting this about someone I do not personally know.

If Burt Reynolds reads my blog (that was satire), I'd like to apologize for making fun of the poor way his plastic surgeons have treated him and wish him the best for the rest of his life. I would only urge him to not worry so much about what's on the outside because from what I've seen, he really is a pretty nice guy. And to make it up to Burt, I'll show a picture that no one should have a problem with.

Promise I will try very very hard never again to go after nice guys.


Sincerely,
P. Beckert

Prisoner Brutally Beats Cellmate With Prosthetic Arm

Rochester, NY - An inmate at the Monroe County Jail in Rochester, NY is in critical condition after a fellow inmate ripped off his cellmate’s prosthetic arm and beat him with it. Evidently, inmate J. “Johnny” Johnson was not aware that his new cellmate, Hugh Buttnum was fitted with a prosthetic arm when he threatened to “tear off Buttnum’s arm and beat him with the bloody stump."

Said Johnson, “Man, what the hell? I was just sitting there minding my own business when Buttnum starts tap, tap tappin’ his damned fingers on the steel bed and singin’ Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen over and over and over again. I warned him, but he just kept it up until I threatened to rip his arm off and beat him with it. How the hell was I supposed to know someone had already done that and the arm I pulled offa him was fake?”

Johnson is being arraigned on charges of ‘attempted murder while armed.’

Secessionist News Passes out Own Survey to Tea Party Attendees

A South Carolina independent rag known as the Secessionist News developed a Survey entitled “Where Do You Stand as a True American?” They hope it will be picked up and answered by lots of Tea Party Convention delegates in an effort to get a finger on the pulse of the true American. Here is a recreation of the survey in easy-to-read format. We hope to report the findings once responses start to trickle in. Feel free to give your own answers if you’ve a mind to.

Where Do You Stand as a True American?

Give yourself points for each correct answer as follows:

1 Point for Yeah
2 Points for Hell Yeah
3 Points for You Better Believe it, Son.
4 Points for Does a Bear Sh*t in the Woods?
5 Points for You Ain’t Just a Whistlin’ Dixie

1. Is the South gonna rise again?

2. Is Obama a (a) Segregationist; (b) Secessionist; (c) Socialist?

3. Do you believe the only direction America should be headed in is South?

4. Is putting a second mortgage on your trailer to see Sarah Palin speak your patriotic duty?

5. As the US Dollar gets weaker, will Confederate Currency make a comeback?

6. Should the Star Spangled Banner be replaced by Lee Greenwood’s Proud to be an American as America’s National Anthem?

7. Instead of nationalized health care, should America nationalize gun ownership?

8. Should the Confederate Flag fly side-by-side with Old Glory?

9. Should Glenn Beck be canonized while still alive?

10. Would you give your left nut to meet Rush Limbaugh?

11. Is Fox News Fair and Balanced and the only news station you can trust to not lie to you?

12. Are Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow the Devil’s spokespersons?

13. If Jesus were alive today, would he be a Tea Party Delegate?
Bonus Survey Questions (get 10 points each for correct response):

Can you spell Secessionist?
Is your favorite color red white and blue?
Can you fuc*kin’ believe that last election?

Scoring:

1-10 Points – Borderline Liberal
11-25 Points – You Can Hang Around With Us, But We Got Our Eye on You
26 -45 Points – Your Momma Must Be Mighty Proud of you Son
46-60+ Points – Get This Guy’s Measurements, Cause I Think We Just Found Our Next Grand Wizard

Fox Employee Threatens Suit over Boss’ Excessive Flatulence

A former Fox News employee is threatening to file a lawsuit in New York District Court against News Corp, the parent company of Fox News Channel, and Fox News President, Roger Ailes, claiming that she was wrongfully terminated when she told the HR manager that she could no longer work closely with Mr. Ailes due to his “inability to control his intestinal disruptions regularly throughout the day.” In other words, his farts stank to high heavens. Additional claims of unsafe working conditions and exposure to an environmental hazard in the workplace are also being leveled against the company.

Ling Chang Phu, personal assistant to Aisle’s executive assistant, stated that she was regularly asked to bring various items into Mr. Ailes’ office throughout the day. “First thing in the morning, it was more like just a rancid coffee smell, but as the day wore on and Mr. Ailes consumed more and more carbs, he began to smell worse and worse so that by the end of the day, I flat out refused to take anything into his office without some type of protective covering over my nose and mouth.”

Said Ailes’ executive assistant, “obviously, we hired Ms. Phu to do the tasks that I either was too busy to handle or that I felt I should not be subjected to, which may or may not have included walking into what we jokingly refer to around here as the “sewer.”

In defending against Ms. Phu’s claims of unsafe working conditions and wrongful termination, News Corp attorneys stated that Ms. Phu knew or should have known about Mr. Aisles’ flatulence problem due to the fact that before her promotion to assistant to the assistant to Ailes, she worked just one floor below his office and complained of a smell not unlike backed-up toilets permeating her airspace and regularly asked maintenance to take a look. “It is our belief that Ms. Phu was well aware of the working conditions she would be exposed to before taking the promotion, and took the promotion thinking that she would be able to withstand the smell for the substantial raise she negotiated.”

It is anticipated that News Corp will attempt to settle this claim without the necessity of Ms. Phu going through with filing a lawsuit because they feel it could open the door to a class-action suit against Fox and Ailes by the entire Fox News Channel staff. Already, there have been rumors of mailroom attendants and other support staff threatening to quit if something isn’t done about retrofitting the office with industrial-strength odor eaters throughout the Fox News offices.

An attempt last year to remedy the situation by ordering fresh flowers be placed strategically throughout the office met with failure when the flowers wouldn’t last a day in the toxic environment. One employee, who asked to remain anonymous, joked “yeah, it’s gotten to the point that someone suggested we bring a canary to work and if it dies, we’ll know to get out of here fast.”

We have attempted several times to reach Mr. Ailes for a comment but all times have found him either out to breakfast, lunch, dinner or “in a meeting with Mr. John,” which we’ve since been told is code for bathroom break.

Tea Party Convention Takes on Carnival Atmosphere With Added Gun & Knife Show

Due to waning Interest, the National Tea Party Convention has switched focus. It will now be called the National Tea Party Convention and Great American Gun & Knife Show. Tickets purchased for the Tea Party Convention will not be refunded but can be used for a 30% discount toward any automatic rifle of your choice.

Bring the kids for a day of fun including prizes for the wackiest teabag hat, best southern heritage costume, best marksman in various age groups from 3-16, and face painting in colors that don’t run.

For the adults, a raffle will be held with the grand prize being an AK-47 BullPup Rifle with a years’ supply of ammo and a framed copy of the ever popular poem by D.J. Pickett entitled My Neck is Red, My Skin is White and My Huntin’ Dog’s Named Blue.

Important Convention Announcement by Tea Party Nation

Due to circumstances not entirely out of our control, many of our original sponsors have pulled their support from the first National Tea Party Convention scheduled to take place on February 4-6, 2010 in Nashville, TN. Because of this, and the higher than expected fee(s) we unrealistically committed ourselves to paying the keynote speaker(s), we have been forced to drastically cut back on a majority of the activities scheduled for the Convention. Rest assured, the Convention will go on, just not necessarily as originally planned. Also, we ask everyone who has not yet paid their entry fee to do so immediately through our PayPal account. A late fee of $1000 will now apply. We appreciate your understanding.

Following is a list of changes we anticipate making in order to not have to cancel the event (Please pay particular attention to Convention venues and accommodations as they have changed considerably:

Location: Holiday Inn Opryland Airport/Briley Parkway

Accommodations:* Special “kissin’ cousin” price for double occupancy. Use
Code SP2012 for 10% Discount. Kids stay in room free.

Convention Activities:

Thur. 2/4/10 7-8 p.m. Meeting Room 1 (Elvis Room) - Meet & Greet Reception
with hors d’oeuvres has been changed to “Moonshine
Mixer” - a BYOB event. No hors d’oeuvres but plenty
of Cheez Whiz and crackers at a nominal charge.
Entertainment: DJ spinning all your favorite KYOK
Country Hits – don’t forget to tip the DJ!

Fri. 2/5/10 7:30 a.m. Hotel Lobby - Breakfast not provided. Hot water will,
however, be served, and we suggest using the tea bags
from your hats for a calming cup of tea before we begin
the day’s events. To avoid the high cost of room
service,try the all-you-can-eat biscuit bar at
Hardee’s adjacent to the hotel for just $3.95.

Fri. 2/5/10 Meeting Room 1 (Elvis Room) – Snacks will include
water and Slim Jims (for a small donation to help
with clean-up costs)

9:00 a.m. Joe the Plumber – “Hell No, I Won’t Pay My Damned Taxes”

10:00 a.m. Larry the Cable Guy (not the comedian) – “Coaxial is
Making a Comeback”

11:00 a.m. Curly the Hair For Men Regional Rep – “Liberals
and Their Bald Lies”

Events scheduled for Friday afternoon through Saturday evening have been cancelled due to lack of funds and interest. However, since we have already committed to paying Ms. Palin $100,000, the sum total of what we hope to take in on this convention, we have decided to go ahead with the banquet on Saturday night and then fold up the tents.

Suggested activities (for an additional small fee) for those staying in town for the banquet include:

Hourly poolside prayer meetings with various local Baptist ministers.

Checkers tournament Saturday afternoon at 3:00 p.m. $2 entry fee per participant.

Movie Madness Thursday and Friday Night at 8 p.m. in Meeting Room 2 (Hee Haw Room)
featuring: Glenn Beck’s Red Sweater – free popcorn and hot water followed by a special showing of Death Panels, Guns & Health Care Town Hall Yell Meetings (click for preview).

Again, we appreciate your patience and understanding.

*Ms. Palin and the organizers for the National Tea Party Convention will remain at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and Convention Center throughout the convention and the banquet featuring Sarah Palin as keynote speaker will remain at the Gaylord. (The block of suites booked by TPN for this event could not be cancelled without suffering the forfeiture of their deposit of $200.)

Those needing transportation to and from the Holiday Inn may purchase specially-priced bus passes at the hotel lobby. Buses from the Holiday Inn to the Gaylord leave every 20 minutes past the hour. A bus schedule will be made available for a small additional fee.