Shortage of Blueberry Pancake Mix Causes Riots in Supermarkets

Supermarkets across America were the scene Saturday of knock-down, drag-out brawls over the last few packages of Blueberry Pancake Mix and frozen blueberry pancakes as children dragged their fathers, aunts, uncles and grandparents to the store to get the main staple of a home-cooked breakfast in bed for moms, mamas, mommies, mothers and mumsies for Mother’s Day on Sunday.

“Honest to God,” said Ernest Twinklingerer, who hauled his 3- and 5-year old daughters to the local supermarket to purchase the blueberry pancake mix, “I honestly had flashbacks to Christmas when people were assaulting each other over the latest Talking Elmo doll. If wasn’t for my daughters, Taylor and Shiloh insisting on having the exact same breakfast for their mom that they saw on a television commercial this past week, Claire (his wife) would have had to settle for toaster waffles and canned peaches. As it is, we did eventually find a box of frozen blueberry pancakes hidden in the frozen vegetables aisle, behind some steamin’ broccoli. I’m sure some clever dad is gonna be really surprised when he comes back from picking out flowers in the produce section and finds his box of blueberry pancakes missing. Snooze you lose, man.”

Store employees told of of children throwing wild tantrums in the baking supplies and frozen foods aisles, while their parents tried to explain to them that this year, there just wasn’t enough to go around. “It was total mayhem,” claims one store security guard who was being checked by paramedics for a nasty bruise he suffered when two dads were fighting over a box of frozen blueberry waffles before losing their grip and flinging it toward the officer’s face. “I now have a broken nose. Plus, I was not able to get any pancakes for my own kids for tomorrow. Man, I don’t even want to go home tonight.”

Stores blame a food manufacturer that produces a well-known brand of blueberry pancake mix and frozen blueberry pancakes for causing the last-minute stampede on Saturday. “They saturated the airwaves Saturday morning with their commercials about how moms only want one thing for Mother’s Day, blueberry pancakes. They had kids all over the country buying it and as a result, the supply just could not keep up with the demand,” said one store manager. “On the one hand, it was a brilliant marketing plan that served to make every kid who had a mom believe that their mommy wouldn’t love them unless they served her blueberry pancakes in bed. On the other hand, however, it was a dirty, underhanded thing to do, potentially putting family members in fear of their lives over friggin’ pancakes.”

Said one distraught father who ended up with a sprained wrist when another shopper wrestled the last box of blueberry pancake mix from his tight fist, “I can tell you one thing, dad’s don’t forget and this company better be ready for Father’s Day, cause we are gonna demand a big stack of lumberjack pancakes, and they damn well better be there, piping hot, in the morning, when we wake up, on a tv tray, or there’s gonna be hell to pay.”

Silly Senior Moments and Crazy Pets

Coming up with material on a daily basis to delight my readers is sometimes difficult, especially when, on occasion, the material I write isn’t that delightful. I am looking to expand my blog space and I am asking for some help.

Beginning right away I’d love to receive some funny photos or stories based on two subjects, i.e. silly senior moments and crazy pets (or wildlife). I’m sure you or someone you know has photos, videos or little stories that are pretty funny and would like a place to share them. You know, grandma forgets where she put her teeth and they right where they always are, next to the pickles in the refrigerator of course. Your cat just had kittens and you catch all 5 of them in various stages of climbing your curtains, natural circus performers that they are. Anything of that nature is welcomed.

Just so there are no misconceptions, I do reserve the right to place funny captions in and about your photos, but that’s only to enhance the comedic relief, and more importantly, satisfy my need to get a laugh or two out of my readers.

I’ll allow you space on my blog to put up those items and it won’t cost you a dime. I’ll make sure that what comes to the site, stays on the site, and if you get comments on your submissions, I’ll see to it that you not only get credit but get a chance to respond to the comments.

Sometime, further down the road, if the idea takes off and I get enough traffic to make a little money from advertising, I may even be able to start paying a small amount for submissions. So, in essence, my success depends on you, but I’m willing to share the wealth, if it ever comes to that.

So what do you say? Help a poor needy blogger, missus? Or mister? It will be a hoot, an absolute hoot. Just send your submissions through the comment section with links to the media you are sending along. Oh, and thanks. Really.

Deepak Chopra Finally Admits We’re Screwed

Mind-Body Medicine guru Deepak Chopra, author of such books as “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” and “The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire,” has done a complete about face and is now giving lectures based on his belief that the time for fixing things is over.

“They didn’t listen to me,” says Chopra. “I wrote book after book spelling it out for them and they still are choosing to be ignorant and haphazard in the way they go about their lives. Doctors tell them to eat healthier, and still billions of burgers are being served up all around the world every year. They’re told that global warming is real, and they continue to throw out their recyclables with the trash. I say, meditate and you will know inner peace, and they turn on Jerry Springer or one of a hundred or so reality shows to satisfy their inner voyeur. So, I throw my hands up in defeat. I am finished with the self-help, finding God, and ‘discovering your inner you’ crap. It’s just not working.”

Asked if he is just planning on retiring from writing books and giving lectures, Mr. Chopra replied, “Oh my goodness, no, no way. I make way too much money on that stuff. I said people aren’t listening and putting my advice to good use, but I never said they aren’t buying the books. No matter what I write or say, people are going to continue to buy. But to be fair, I think I may as well give up on the ‘changing the world’ attitude because it just isn’t happening.”

Chopra has decided that the best he can do for society now is give them tips on how to squeeze a little more out of life before they totally destroy themselves and the earth. His new series, “Do What You Want, Who Cares?” will focus on the instant gratification message so popular today. Instead of giving lectures at universities and lecture halls all over the country, Chopra will occasionally speak to small groups at Burger Kings and Taco Bells, leaving behind easy-to-read pamphlets with lots of pictures instead of large books to digest (no pun intended). He is even slated to appear at a Tea Party Movement rally simply because he has given up and feels his message, no matter where it is heard, won’t matter any way. And he will be the featured speaker at the Lincoln, Nebraska Thrills n’ Wheels Tractor Pull in August, where he’ll tell a few redneck jokes to get everyone laughing because, no matter how far he strays from his original message, he still believes that laughter is great medicine, and those folks won’t know they are doing something good for themselves (it’s a private joke).

The bottom line is, we are doomed, but don’t blame Deepak Chopra, he’s finally gotten the message for a change and that is “you can’t change human nature.”

Stephen Hawking’s Basement Raided, Rare Historic Artifacts Found

Acting on an anonymous tip, British police raided well-known physicist, Stephen Hawking’s basement, where it is reported that they found some incredible historical artifacts from various periods in history. Included with the artifacts was an urn which held the salty remains of Lot’s wife from Biblical times.

“It was unbelievable,” said one constable. “I mean, Lot’s wife, blimey, that’s almost the most amazing thing I think I’ve ever seen.” But that was just the tip of the iceberg. There was also a piece of papyrus with some writing on it which historians believe may be the actual scribblings of Noah as he was taking his instructions from God to build the Ark. In fact, there were so many artifacts that police were carrying boxes and boxes of items away from Hawking’s home.

A crude wooden coffin with the remains of a woman wearing an aviator cap, leather jacket and trousers was also removed from the home. A forensics specialist on the scene almost fell over. “I’m not 100% positive, but I do believe these could be the remains of Amelia Earhart.” The find had everyone speechless.

The artifacts were sifted through and contained everything from ancient Mayan calendars to the complete works of Nostradamus and Galileo. One other particularly gratifying find was a complete section of the basement devoted to Al Capone. Yes, Geraldo, there were many, many artifacts in Al Capone’s Vault, but it seems someone had gotten to it first.

Police questioned Hawking as to where he could have possibly gotten all these artifacts unless he was part of a historical theft ring. It is during the questioning that the most amazing piece of evidence was finally discovered. Stephen Hawking actually had a time machine built and had gone back in time dozens of times and, in fact, in the times he went back before the time he was born, he actually could walk, talk and function without the aid of a wheelchair.

Asked why he didn’t come forward with this information earlier, he stated “come on, really, who would have believed me? I tried telling a few friends, but they all scoffed at me, so I just kept the information to myself. At first I just went back to get a look at the original Bible writings and bring back an urn or two, but then I realized, I could get some really remarkable things. From there, I guess it just got out of hand. By the time I had the proof I needed that time travel exists, I was in too deep. I knew I’d be arrested for historical theft, not to mention the historical ramifications of some of my finds. It was all too dreadfully complicated.”

Investigators were seen on Hawking’s front lawn dazed and confused. With the items confiscated in the raid, scientists say history, as we know it, will be thrown out and re-written. Among the findings was the original birth certificate of President Barack Obama.

Fake Head in Suitcase Gets Comedian Arrested

Police are still scratching their heads over an incident this past weekend that resulted in a woman being rushed to the emergency room and a comedian heading off to jail.

“It was a spur of the moment thing, really,” explained Shawn (not his real name). I was sitting there in the train depot, waiting for my train, with my suitcase by my side, when a portly woman comes and sits beside me and the suitcase. Unfortunately for me, she was a talkative one, and asks where I’m going, so I politely tell her uptown, and turn away. But she continued. She talked on, non-stop for about ten minutes and I finally had enough.”

Shawn lit a cigarette and continued, “I couldn’t allow this woman one more word, or I felt I could strangle her, and then I remembered the fake severed head in my suitcase—I used it in my shows. It’s real as real can get. Anyway, I acted like I’d forgotten where I’d put my train ticket, checking all my pockets and finding nothing, when I then said to her ‘sheesh, I’d forget my head if it wasn’t fastened on’ and then I opened the suitcase.”

The woman’s name is being withheld until her family can be notified. Meanwhile, Shawn sits in jail awaiting arraignment for unintentional assault.

Susan Boyle Caught in Vicinity of Bali Gigolo Raid

Author's Note: Here's One for the Gals.

Bali Beach in Indonesia was the site of a recent raid in which 28 young, attractive “surfer-type” tan, hard-bodied, indescribably handsome, heterosexual men were detained on charges of offering companionship to well-heeled, rich women in exchange for monetary gain. In other words, a bunch of beach gigolos were rounded up and questioned.

Caught up in the raid were several lonely, well-to-do women, one of which is reported to be Susan Boyle. Still hurting from a break up with her 27-year old, perfectly sculpted body, olive-skinned, dark-haired boy toy in Italy, Ms. Boyle was innocently taking a rest on the beaches of Bali when the raid occurred. A 23-year old, darkly tanned, muscled, towel boy with shoulder-length black curly hair, clad only in a pair of turquoise-colored board shorts, who just happened to be chatting with Ms. Boyle at the time of the raids, was taken into custody along with other similarly handsome, skimpily-clad young, but not-so innocent, males. Ms. Boyle was questioned but released. She obviously seemed to have no clue what the police “were on about.”

Many of the gigolos, er surfers, were forced to spend the evening in jail; however, the blonde towel boy posted bail through a mysterious benefactor only an hour or so later, and was seen sometime during the dinner hour entering the lobby of the hotel where Ms. Boyle was staying, this time dressed in a chest-hugging Balinese cotton surf-print t-shirt and khakis, his strong, sensuous muscles peeking out from beneath the almost see-thru fabric.

Ms. Boyle has not been seen since, save for the occasional run for ice or to tip the bell boy for room service. Her handlers simply tell us she is laying low in order to allow the scandal to blow over. And she is singing…a lot.

On Second Thought, Arizona Governor Tweaks Immigration Law

Phoenix, AZ – In case you’ve been hiding out on a desert island for the past few weeks and haven’t been privy to a computer, newspaper or television, last week, Arizona Governor, Jan Brewer, signed into law a bill that significantly toughened Arizona’s stand against illegal immigrants taking up residence or passing through the state.

And then, all hell broke loose. The fallout from this bill is being heard all over the world actually, not just in the United States. In order to quell some of the mocking criticisms leveled at the Governor and legislators who came up with this brilliant piece of legislation, the Governor has signed some changes into the law, which we’ve listed here.

The bill now makes it perfectly clear that racial profiling will not be tolerated and therefore, a police officer cannot stop anyone based solely on the fact that they are deemed to be Hispanic and/or illegally Hispanic in nature. However, if the person is caught engaging in an activity that may be determined to be illegal, they can question said (Hispanic) person, even if the police officer himself is Hispanic.

Some real laws still on Arizona books that Hispanics may want to bone up on in order to stay on the right side of the law are:

*Donkeys can’t sleep in bathtubs (however, the law does not specifically include asses, nor does it preclude shower stalls).

*If someone is thirsty, you cannot refuse them a glass of water (that includes the police officer who is tailing you)

*In Nogales, you may not wear suspenders (this one, we have to agree with).

*When protesting in Prescott, you may not ride your horse (or donkey or someone else’s ass presumably) on the County Courthouse steps.

*In Tucson, women may not wear pants. (Although this one sounds out of date, it’s still a smart move for all Hispanic women in Tucson to wear skirts. And to be on the safe side, Hispanic men should not wear dresses.)

Another change to the Bill requires that all legal immigrants carry their alien registration documents with them at all times. We’re assuming the lawmakers are under the assumption that at some time or another, legal immigrants will do something illegal and get stopped and be required to prove their residency status to the officer who stopped them.

Specifically mentioned in news reports discussing the the bill changes is the ability of law enforcement officers to stop anyone on the suspicion of loitering. So, to be safe, if you are a legal immigrant in Arizona, and are not in a car, but find yourself walking down a public street, do not stop to talk to friends, ask directions, reach down to pick up a heads-up penny, or any number of other things that would make you appear to be loitering, unless, of course, you have your green card or complete portfolio of documents with you to prove that you are either a legal alien or in the process of getting legalized. Be aware, however, that although you will most likely be released to continue on your way, you will probably still be charged with loitering and for that, you will have to seek legal counsel.

And finally, beginning Monday, all Hispanic men, women and children who are legal residents of Arizona will be required to wear orange jumpsuits in order to cut down on lawsuits associated with complaints of racial profiling. “If our Hispanic residents wish to make this immigration reform process go smoother, we believe they won’t mind wearing clothing that will assist the men and women in law enforcement in making the right snap decisions, instead of relying on their intuitions, which may ultimately result in making wrong assumptions based solely on looks,” said a governor’s spokesperson.