Scott Walker Spends Taxpayer Dollars to Defend Lawsuit

Non-Union Lawyers

In the beginning, the Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, said that in order to balance the budget, the State was going to have to do away with collective bargaining rights for some of its public workers, most notably, teachers. Thus began a battle that included an exodus of Democratic senators from the state in an effort to keep the bill from becoming law and daily protests by tens of thousands of citizens against Walker’s proposals.

When the Republican senate majority passed a bill last week that was hastily thrown together to separate the collective bargaining part of the budget bill, most thought that was the end of the fight.

But, late last week, a Wisconsin Circuit Court Judge issued a temporary restraining order effectively stopping the bill…for now.

Ironically, Walker now plans on spending taxpayer dollars from coffers he says are drying up because of the demands of the public workers for decent wages and benefits, to fight the ensuing lawsuit.

The only people who stand to profit from this fiscal fiasco in the long run will be the attorneys who are now firmly entrenched in litigation on both sides. In the end, it really isn’t just about money, in light of the fact that had attorneys not been brought into the fray, there very well would have been enough to fund teachers’ salaries and give a few tax breaks to the rich and probably enough left over to buy every citizen of Wisconsin a pound of its best cheddar.

Candle Shortage Next Big Crisis on Horizon

People all over the world are becoming increasingly worried about an imminent energy crisis. As a result, they are buying candles by the billions. Candle stores from Albuquerque to Zurich are selling out faster than they can make them. Wholesale distributors are complaining about having backlogs of several months or more on shipments. Even ornamental and decorative candles are being snapped off the shelves in a buyers’ frenzy as the threat of worldwide power outages becomes more of a reality.

While the crisis in Japan is taking precedence over anything we’ve seen before, the candle shortage is a very real spin-off crisis and not expected to get any better in the months to come.

Jasmine Hollowax has been making sand candles since the early ‘60’s in the Haight-Ashbury District of San Francisco and she claims that not only is she finding it hard to find wax but her supplies of sand are also in decline. “The sand candle is about the easiest candle to make,” said Jasmine, “but without wax and sand, it becomes a candle maker’s nightmare.”

The inexplicable decimation of bees in the United States has also contributed to the decline in beeswax, a preferred wax for many candle makers. Dumont Hiasakite, a candle maker who refuses to use inferior materials for his candles, says that if the situation doesn’t get better by June, he is going to have to close the Candle Emporium shop he’s owned in Boston for four decades.

“It’s ironic,” says Hiasakite. “Most businesses fold because they become obsolete and there just isn’t a demand for the product anymore. In our case, it is the opposite. With the energy crisis worldwide, it is just a matter of time before candles will be the only source of immediate power people will be able to find to provide light and help keep their food warm.

“Hoarders know this and are buying candles faster than gold. Especially the big, giant candles you thought you’d never have a reason to own before,” he said.

In a related story, Glenn Beck has replaced the advertising on his Fox News show to accommodate the increased demand for candles. He is no longer touting gold as the most lucrative investment these days but instead is telling his viewers to buy candles, with this message. “Gold is pretty and it used to be a solid investment, but folks, gold won’t light your way in the darkness or heat a can of chili on the coldest of nights. Buy candles now before they’re all gone.”

As a result, wax commodity prices have skyrocketed with an ounce of wax going for more than $1,000.

Rush Limbaugh Dropped on His Head at Birth According to Unauthorized Biography

A writer working on the unauthorized biography of conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has released a very important piece of information that may explain the idiotic statements that Limbaugh often makes on his daily radio show. Recent comments Limbaugh made about Japanese refugees are coming under fire, which led the author to leak the information in the biography prematurely.

“He’s a numbskull, literally,” claims Clark Parsons, a writer known for his work on several unauthorized biographies of various controversial personalities. According to early medical records Parsons has uncovered on Limbaugh’s birth in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, Parsons says that Limbaugh was dropped on his head as the doctor was slapping him on his backside.

The medical record on the incident states that there were no outward signs of trauma. This led Parsons to dig further into exactly why Limbaugh is the way he is today. According to a medical doctor that Parsons regularly consults with on these type matters, Limbaugh’s early injury mixed with heavy drug use as an adult has altered Limbaugh’s perception of right and wrong. “It was a combination one-two punch and as a result, Limbaugh’s reasoning is undeniably damaged,” said Parsons.

Upon reading Parson’s explanation for [Limbaugh’s] imbecilic rants, Limbaugh made the following statement on his radio show: “See folks? I have a valid reason for being a big jerk. Hate the condition. Don’t hate me.”

While the book won’t be released until sometime in April, early indications are that once everything is revealed about Limbaugh, even his most ardent fans may have a hard time defending him. If so, many are predicting that this may finally be the end of Limbaugh’s career.

Rupert Murdoch Warns Sarah Palin and Roger Ailes to Play Nice

Rupert Murdoch is the first to admit that he hires strong personalities, and it is sometimes hard to reel them in. When they are good, they are very, very good, but when they are bad they are horrid. That is exactly what is happening in the case of Roger Ailes and Sarah Palin.

Lately, Murdoch has spent more time writing e-mails to the two telling them to play nice than he’d like to. In fact, he’s said more than once that if he could get away with it, he’d treat both of them just like his own kids. “Ailes would get a size 10 up his arse and I’d put Sarah across my knee.”

The latest row just doesn’t seem to want to go away. Sarah Palin was told by Ailes to lay low after the Tuscon shootings, but Palin didn’t heed his warning. Instead, some say she was testing Ailes when she went ahead with her “blood libel” video, which, by the way, no one really got anyway, including Palin.

“Oh, I could have stayed in Alaska for a week or two until the darned Tuscon thingie blew over,” said Palin, “but I just love getting under Roger’s skin. He’s just so easy to tease. Heck, they explained blood libel to me a couple times and I still didn’t get it, but it sure sounded like something that would rile a few folks up and keep me in the spotlight, so I said, ‘what the heck? Let’s do it!’”

Meanwhile, Roger Ailes is said to have come very close to firing Palin after that video. “We’ve put up with her inability to comprehend basic geography, but now she’s showing just how uneducated she is in all subjects, including history and, what should be her best subject, politics,” says Ailes.

“Every time I tell Rupert that she’s just doing these things to make me look stupid, he tells me to shut up and pay her. If I didn’t make so much money now, I’d blow this popsicle stand and go to work for NPR.” Then he added, “Nah, never in a million years. I hear they have to beg for their checks every week. That would suck.”

Meanwhile, rumors have it that Palin is working on her next video to get Ailes riled up. Something about how monkeys could run Fox News. Can’t wait to see that video.

Scott Walker Declares Himself a Wisconsin Hero

Scott Walker defines a hero as “someone who, against all odds, does what is necessary to fight evil in the world.” And so it is that Walker believes that he is doing the right thing by making sure teachers don’t bankrupt the state.

“If we were to pay teachers what they would like to be paid, and give them the benefits they believe they should get, there would be nothing left to give to the private sector folks whom I pledged my allegiance to in order to get elected,” said Walker. “I have a duty to those folks and I am a man of my word.”

While teachers have a thing or two to say about the matter, Scott Walker has said time and time again that if any of those teachers wanted to make laws, “they should have become politicians, not teachers.”

In a related story, Walker denies that his apparent grudge against teachers is fueled by a childhood experience where, in 7^th grade, his science teacher made fun of his baking soda volcano science project, calling it “so 5^th Grade.” 

Sarah Palin Seeks Charity to Pay for Kids’ Braces

Sarah Palin recently went on Fox News and publicly admitted that she could use some help in paying for her kids’ dental expenses. “Do you even know how much a set of braces costs these days?” asked Palin as she made her case for asking folks who impersonate her to help shoulder some of the financial burden of raising kids in today’s economy.

Palin was referring to Julianne Moore, in particular, who is slated to play Palin in the upcoming movie “Game Change.” “If I have to grit my teeth any harder on this one, I’m gonna need to see a dentist myself,” quipped Palin, as she explained that she is tired of impersonators making money off her and not seeing a dime of the profits. “If I got a dime for every Sarah or Bristol Palin joke Kathy Griffin told, I’d be a millionaire,” she said.

Sarah Palin claims that it has been hard to get health and dental insurance ever since she quit her job as governor of Alaska. “Jeez, Louise. When I was governor,” said Palin, “the sky was the limit when it came to public benefits. I loved the fact that I could get top-notch insurance for my entire family paid for by Alaskan taxpayers. Now, I’m not saying that the insurance we get from Fox News is shabby, mind you, but the deductibles and co-pays are killing me.”

Knowing now what she knew then, Palin was asked why she doesn’t give more support to the teachers in Wisconsin who have lost their ability to bargain for better health insurance benefits, Palin said “Because. We don’t live in Wisconsin.”

Obama Lowers National Speed Limit to 45 MPH, Adds Speed Bumps to Freeways

In an effort to make Americans conserve gasoline in this latest oil crisis, President Barack Obama has signed an emergency bill lowering the national speed limit a full 10 miles per hour, from 55 to 45. In addition, the President is asking the Department of Transportation to coordinate adding speed bumps on the nation’s highways to slow everyone down.

Since no one is certain how much longer we can expect turmoil in the Middle East, not to mention imminent war in Libya, which is certain to drastically affect America’s ability to get cheap oil, the measures were top priority for the White House.

Asked if speed bumps wouldn’t cause harm to cars with faulty suspension systems, Obama simply said “Arrive Alive, Drive 45, Buckle Up and Save Oil,” which he has dubbed the new official highway slogan. Unfortunately, no one really thinks this idea will catch on.

However, the National Association of State Troopers lauded the move. “Do you know how many drivers in this country can’t even keep it at or under 55?” asked Biff Cunningham, President of the Association. “With this new law, we’re gonna have people going so seriously over the speed limit, we’re betting that speeding ticket revenue alone will pull many states out of the red and possibly save many teachers’ jobs.”

Upon hearing this latest news, Sarah Palin remarked, “Well, I swear. Even when Barack Obama steps in poop (referring to the protests in Wisconsin), he still can come out smelling like a rose, unlike some New Jersey governors I know.”