Donald Trump Offers $1M Reward for Proof of Obama’s Birthplace

Donald Trump is tired of people coming down hard on him for something he strongly believes in, i.e. making the President of the United States answer to his whims. Trump says he’s not used to anyone telling him he can’t do something and it is this reason alone that spurs him on to put pressure on the President of the United States to personally fly to New York and show him (Trump) his original birth certificate.

However, Trump realizes this may never happen and so he’s working on the next best thing—getting his hands on a copy of the original birth certificate, which he claims will prove once and for all that President Barack Hussein Obama was born in Iraq.

That’s right, Trump believes that Barack O’bama is an Iraqi citizen. “’How can I be so sure’ you ask?” asked Trump of the reporter following this story. “Well, I’ll tell you. His middle name is Hussein. Now any idiot knows that Saddam Hussein was from Iraq. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make that equation work.” He then added, “And for the record, yes, I know Iraq isn’t a part of Africa, but it’s pretty damned close.”

In fact, Trump is so sure that Barack Obama is an Iraqi that he is putting up a cool $1M to the first person that shows him the authentic birth certificate from Iraq. “I won’t be satisfied,” said Trump “until I turn that sucker over and see those tiny little footprints on the back. I’ve got my own personal pedologist (footprint expert) already on board to match the little feet with the big feet.”

Trump was asked how he happened to be in possession of a set of President Obama’s existing footprints. He replied, “That’s my business,” then turned to his assistant. “Jessica, get me Dog the Bounty Hunter in Hawaii on the phone. I need him to get me those footprints he picked up in Oahu last January, stat.”

Dennis Miller Offering Glenn Beck Sidekick Job

Dennis Miller always had aspirations of being the next Bill O’Reilly or “Billy” as he calls him, or the next Glenn Beck. But, even though he does have his own radio talk show, so far, it’s only gotten him a ticket as a guest wise ass on both of those shows. He wants to be in front of the cameras so bad he can taste it, and now that Glenn Beck is being forced from Fox News, he sees it as his big chance to get ahead in the business.

“Oh, I’m over the fact that people won’t allow me to have my own news show like that hack, Jon Stewart,” said Miller. “But if I can convince Glenn Beck to team up with me in a Laurel and Hardy Meet Walter Cronkite sort of way, that may convince the Fox powers that be that I have that little something extra they need to jazz up their news shows, namely comedy.”

Miller says that Beck is the perfect sidekick for his brand of humor. “People take Glenn Beck seriously, but in reality, he’s one of the funniest and wittiest guys I know,” says Miller. “He doesn’t call himself the rodeo clown for nothing. He knows he’s pulling a big one over on the people of America every time he gets in front of that camera and, up until recently, Beck was laughing all the way to the bank with the bull crap he was telling everyone.” Miller claims Beck would be willing to do the visual stunts his show would need to succeed as well.

“I remember the Glenn Beck episode where he poured gasoline all over some poor guy and was standing there with a match. I was on the edge of my frikkin’ seat,” says Miller. “That’s the kind of stuff I want to do, and Beck could really help me pull it off.”

According to Miller, now is the best time to rope that rodeo clown in on a twosome deal that he (Miller) says will be the best comedy team since Rowan and Martin. “Hell,” he said, “I’d go one better. You get me and Glenn Beck in the studio together, and you’ll swear you’re watching the real version of that old cartoon, Lippy the Lion and Hardy Har Har. That’s just how funny we’d be. If I can pull this off, the two of us could conceivably take politics to a level so ridiculous, it would resonate louder than the shot heard round the world.”

Miller says he’s ready for the big time. “I’m so tired of hearing the question ‘Who?’ whenever someone mentions my name in passing.”

Man Arrested for Soliciting Prostitution in Hawaii Sting Operation

That headline in itself would garner nothing more than a peek at the article to see if there were any titillating facts to glean from the entire story. But when you are a very close friend to the President, well, it takes on a whole new meaning.

All of a sudden, the world is interested in the case of a male Hawaiian resident who happened to get caught in an undercover sting operation for soliciting the services of a prostitute who, most likely, was an undercover cop. The only reason they are interested in his case is the fact that he’s been a close friend to the President since their high school days.

Although this news is so last week, it’s a given that news teams all over America were busy poring over every bit of information they could get their sticky little hands on to glean anything they could to link President Obama to this fella that just happened to use some poor judgment and decide to “go get him some” outside the home.

But wait, what if the story was a plant to take the average American television viewer’s mind off the fact that America is facing a budget crisis and a potential government shut down? Now that is a story we all can sink our teeth into.

Guess what? This time it didn’t work. The budget crisis still looms and there isn’t one person I’ve asked who can tell me what what’s-his-name’s name is.

Glenn Beck One Ups Oprah; Announces He’s Leaving Fox News

Everyone is wondering what or even who Glenn Beck will go after on his last show to air on the Fox News Channel later this year. Just like Oprah, who announced last year that she’d be retiring this year, Glenn Beck announced he was being fired and would leave Fox when he’s damn well good and ready. Yet, no one has a clue exactly what will appear on the mad rodeo clown’s blackboard on that last day.

That’s because no one at Fox News has actually had the cajones to confront Beck with a final air date, nor do they plan to. “He’s a scary guy,” said Gary Grimley, associate producer of Beck’s show. “While Fox fully expects craziness from its personalities on the network, we don’t actually confront it. That’s just nuts.” Grimley, speaking on the condition of anonymity, says that “crazy is what brings in the bucks on Fox.”

Unfortunately, now that the Glenn Beck brand of crazy is actually chasing the bucks away, as in ad revenue, Fox has decided it’s time to cut him loose. Said Grimley, “May God have mercy on America and Fox’s souls,” and added “You aren’t going to print my name, right?”

CIA Secret Operation “Xbox 360 Fever” Underway to Topple Taliban

The CIA is mum on a new secret operation designed to take the Taliban out once and for all. The concept of Operation “Xbox 360 Fever” is based on this country’s own experience with realistic computer games. “It is mainly aimed at the male soldiers who know nothing but fighting since they were young,” said Lt. Col. Milton Bradley, no relation to General Omar Bradley.

According to the limited press release on the latest attempt to “get into the heads” of the Taliban, it would work like this:

*Ten million Xbox 360 consoles and “Call of Duty: The War Collection” games would be purchased from various Wal-Mart stores across America.

*They would be air dropped to opposing forces on the ground in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya.

*Instructions would be in Arabic.

*Eventually, the soldiers would put down their weapons to take a look. After a few attempts, they would get the hang of the games, become hooked like so many of their American counterparts, and would forget about fighting in the real world.

*The wars would be over.

Lt. Col. Bradley says that this operation has to work. “We see the effect it has on a large portion of our own male population. They play to all hours of the night and when it is time to go to school or work in the morning, they simply cannot drag themselves out of bed.” Bradley claims that all such video games are outlawed in all the branches of the Armed Services for this reason.

Bradley and other top ranking military officials believe that once the full effect of the addiction to the games takes hold, allied forces can then go in and take them without so much as a bullet being fired (in reality of course).

Not only do they believe in the effectiveness of this latest operation, but the Pentagon is claiming that the entire operation will cost little more than $5 billion dollars. Doing the math, that means roughly a gazillion dollars would be saved on fighting these three wars and countless others that may soon pop up all over Africa and the Middle East.

In fact, if this operation succeeds, talks are already taking place to supply every man in Africa with a complete Xbox 360/Gears of War package. The only temporary setback will be lack of electricity, but for another $10 or so billion dollars, battery packs would be included with each console.

Efforts are underway to see that the Xbox 360 packages are delivered to Taliban forces in each of the three countries within the next month. “By May, we should be in a position to sweep up the Middle East and restore peace throughout the region,” said Bradley.

Asked how they know this effort will work, one war analyst says that he knows for a fact that several war hawks from the United States have been given the Xbox 360 to try out. One war hawk of note, Donald Rumsfeld, rarely comes out of hiding except for the occasional incoherent interviews he gives every few days on major news channels, which even he admits he doesn’t remember.

Patriots for Pot Put Support behind Morgan Freeman for President

A more liberal-leaning sect of the Tea Party known as the Patriots for Pot are putting their money behind actor Morgan Freeman for President even though he’s not running (officially).

Dilbert “Doobie” Warner, President of the Patriots for Pot Party (PPP) located in Denver, Colorado says that the members of his party were faced with choosing a candidate to back from a list of some really heavy hitters, but in the end, Morgan Freeman was their number one choice.

When asked what qualifications Freeman has for being President in the minds of the members of his party, Doobie replied, “Well, for starters, he’s already been President, sort of. He was President Tom Beck in the movie Deep Impact, and we all think that was an awesome movie, especially when you’re high and that asteroid starts hurtling towards earth. It was so real, man!”

“But on a presidential note,” said Doobie, “Morgan Freeman has this really cool deep voice, but not creepy like James Earl Jones as Darth Vader. Freeman’s is more authoritative but considerate. We like that in a candidate.”

Asked if those were the only reasons, Doobie responded, “What? I’m sorry. I must have drifted off there for a minute thinking about the Jedi warrior fight in Star Wars. What were we just talking about?”

Morgan Freeman could not be reached for comment on this story as he was on location making a movie about the life and times of Grover Cleveland.

Magnetic Pole Shift Causes Massive Pile Up of Birds at Equator

The saying “Birds of a Feather Flock Together” rang true today when residents living at or near the equator around the world noticed an over abundance of birds in their yards and fields. Eduardo Morales, who lives just five miles from the Equator says that he’s never seen so many birds in his entire life in one spot. “Last week, we had the regular birds singing in the trees. This week, we have thousands more birds in the trees, but they are not singing. They occasionally squawk, especially the parrots, but for the most part, the birds are eerily quiet.” Morales claims it’s the creepiest thing he’s ever seen.

Ornithologists from the University of Georgia, School of Bird Studies, have flown to various locations around the globe to study the phenomenon. Dr. Bradley Sorofsky arrived in the small town of San Marcos Morelia, two miles north of the Equatorial line in Equador. I was simply astonished at the number of birds in this area. There had to have been at least 10,000 or so birds for every square meter of forest,” he said.

Sorofsky says he is now certain he knows why the swallows did not return to San Juan Capistrano off the coast of California this year. “I’d say a good portion of the swallows have made their way to this tiny little town.”

Computer models of the birds’ flight patterns have been fed into a computer and the results are startling. Dr. Sven Svenjorgenstern, one of the ornithologists from the Bern Institute of Ornithologic Behavior in Bern, Switzerland says that it is highly possible that recent solar storms have seriously affected the magnetic poles so much so that they have shifted to the point where true north just does not exist at the moment.

“The birds of the world are extremely confused, especially at this time of year when they are trying to fly back home to their nesting grounds based solely on instinct. The shifting of the magnetic pull from north to slightly north easterly, seems to be having a dramatic effect on the birds’ ability to chart a course on their own as they’ve done since the beginning of time,” said Svenjorgenstern. “We do not know how long this effect will last,” he added.

In the meantime, farmers and landowners in the affected areas are being told not to panic. “Sure, the larger birds, such as condors and eagles can be a threat to family pets, so keep your pets and small farm animals safely indoors,” cautioned Hillary Swiftern, of the International Health Organization. “In addition, do not try and shoot at the birds. Contrary to what we have been taught, if birds are pushed to the limit as they are now, i.e vying for living space in very close quarters, they will easily turn on anyone who tries to get near them,” she said. “Even the docile wren and little yellow canary can turn into raging carnivores under the right circumstances,” she added.

Meanwhile, Fundamentalist Christians around the world, but more specifically in Lynchburg, Virginia are using this latest environmental phenomenon to once again remind everyone, “We’re in the end times. Get those guns cocked and loaded. It is your right to bear arms.”