House Gym Gets Thorough Scrubbing as More Weiner Photos Surface

The cleaning staff at the Rayburn House Office Building in Washington, D.C. has been asked to give a thorough scrubbing to the entire members’ gym area after more illicit photos surfaced showing half-naked NY Rep. Anthony Weiner. Weiner admits taking the photos of himself in various stages of undress using his Blackberry and a mirror.

Members began voicing concerns about the cleanliness of the gym, and, in fact, many members refused to use the gym until it was scrubbed from floor to ceiling to remove any and all ‘unsanitary’ substances from the tiled interior. Weiner denies he did nothing more than take photos, however, members are not taking any chances.

Rep. Herman Barnsfield, a 72-year old Independent from Averill, Vermont claims he hasn’t been able to use the gym since, in his words ‘that Weiner guy sullied its hallowed space,’ referring to the sauna that Barnsfield has frequented daily since 1986. While no photos were actually found depicting Weiner in the sauna, many members believe there isn’t one area that his Blackberry and he [Weiner] hasn’t had their way with.

Meanwhile, many are calling it a supreme irony that Weiner has hired a law firm to try and get the courts to issue a restraining order against anyone posting the very photos he so willingly displayed on the internet just weeks ago. So far there hasn’t been a ruling, but one court official who has seen the photos says they’re pretty sure the Judge won’t grant the request due to the fact that “you can see way more than that on the internet just by Googling the word ‘weiner.’”

Employees with Glass Stairs Shouldn’t Wear Dresses

Gives a whole new meaning to 'things are looking up'

That’s the consensus among skirt-wearing employees at the newly built Ohio Courthouse.  Anyone with a view up to the wazoo, including male kilt wearers, are being warned that they could be subjected to peeping toms below if they choose to take the stairs instead of the elevator. The only other option is for all the employees to start wearing trousers, which many women, especially Pentecostals, refuse to do.

“Talk about a room with a view,” says career peeping Tom, Abner Magee. “This building is a dream come true for me.”

Abner claims when he heard about the bathroom experiment in downtown NYC, [where people going in could see out but those looking at the free-standing restrooms from the outside could not see in], he thought it was a step in the right direction.

“But I was frustrated,” he said. “I would hang around outside those toilets all day long watching pretty girls go in, but couldn’t find one angle that would allow me to even get a glimpse of what was going on inside.” On more than one occasion, Magee was removed from the areas outside the see-thru toilets and eventually asked to leave New York City altogether.

Originally from Chicago, Abner Magee moved to Columbus immediately upon hearing about the glass staircase. “We don’t have any easy access buildings like this in Chitown, so I pretty much have to go where the action is,” said Magee from a jail cell that overlooks the new courthouse.

Magee was arrested just moments after arriving in downtown Columbus and entering the new building. “In retrospect,” he said” I guess the binoculars were a dead give away.”

For those with more self-control, the Franklin County Common Pleas Court building is located at 345 S. High Street, Columbus, Ohio. Proper ‘dress’ attire is required.

Ann Coulter Hides Huge Secret on Piers Morgan Tonight

Ann Coulter appeared on Piers Morgan Tonight last night and, while she was her usual abrasive self when it came to all things political, she would not give an inch when Piers tried to pry some personal information out of her.

An impromptu survey after the show was sent to 300 viewers who were asked their opinion of why Ann Coulter was so coy when it came to her personal life. It was surprising to find out that 57% of those polled believed it was because Coulter doesn’t want anyone to find out about a gay lover.

“She’s been engaged several times to men, but each time it has ended badly,” said Paula Polochnikova, head of the ‘Ann Coulter Watchdog Group’ based in Roanoke, Virginia. “Her behavior toward men is appalling, but watch her expression whenever someone mentions Sarah Palin. She lights up like a Christmas tree.” Polochnikova claims that the only reason Coulter bashes Palin once in awhile is to throw the mainstream media off her trail.

“Oh yeah, she’s gay alright,” said Sylvia Shemano. “Every time I see that woman on television, my gaydar goes off like a Geiger counter. That voice alone screams lesbian.” Shemano claims she has also heard the rumor about Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter and doesn’t find it that far-fetched.

Another respondent says that he has also heard those rumors but doubts that Sarah Palin would go for someone like Coulter. “While I am certain that Ann Coulter is living a secret gay lifestyle,” said Germano Honduras, “I don’t believe it has anything to do with Sarah Palin.”

Germano is convinced that Ann Coulter was once Andrew Coulter,” following a conspiracy theory that has been making the rounds for at least a decade or more.

Since Coulter won’t respond to any questions about her personal life, it is safe to assume that she doesn’t care one way or the other if people think she is gay, obsessed with Sarah Palin, or is secretly dating Selma Hayek, which is puzzling when Coulter takes every opportunity she can get to bash the very people she’s hiding in her closet.

As Polochnikova says, “She’s just trying to throw off the scent.”

Sarah Palin Has ‘Todd’ Tattoo Removed

Where 'Todd' Used to Be

In yet another breaking story from an undisclosed source that the Palins are divorcing, a supposed cosmetic surgeon in Phoenix has neither confirmed nor denied that she performed a tattoo removal for Sarah Palin. But sources close to the sometimes on again, sometimes off again presidential candidate confirm that indeed, the ‘Todd’ tattoo Sarah got in college has been removed.

“This is just one more indication that the Palins are headed for Splitsville,” said Carrie Cassowary, the undisclosed source mentioned above, whom no one is certain even writes for the Globe.

Cassowary goes on to state that the tattoo ‘1^st Dude’ on Sarah’s upper right shoulder blade is staying. “It’s generic enough that it doesn’t require removal and may just come in handy come November 2012.” 

Satan Tired of Being Blamed for Internet Porn-Related Scandals

Word has it that old Beelzebub is furious these days over being blamed for everything from pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s hoohah to Anthony Weiner’s bulging BVD’s. He claims that he’s tired of being a catchall for mankind’s failure to control their sexual desires.

“Why is it when I open the paper and read yet another story about a well-liked politician who’s been caught with his hand in his drawers, there is always a reference to some kind of evil making them do it?” says Satan. “I mean, for Christ’s sake, no pun intended, do you honestly think I waste my time on such piddly matters as this? I’ve got my hands full with deadly disasters like tornados and earthquakes. Seriously,” he continued, “hurricane season has just started. I’m full up man.”

Satan says that truth be told, he thinks if anyone should be blamed it’s Al Gore. “I mean really, didn’t he take credit for inventing the internet? It’s just like man to create something half-assed and then try to fix it after it starts causing problems,” said the frustrated Lord of the Underworld. “Did anyone ever think that free access to porn might be a problem somewhere down the line?” In fact, he claims that Al Gore may have just invented the internet so that he [Gore] could peruse live pornography in the privacy of his own home.

While on the subject, the Prince of Darkness claims that he’s sick and tired of wrongdoers invoking his name every time they get in a jam. “I am not kidding,” he said. “If I hear the phrase ‘the Devil made me do it,’ or ‘Idle hands are the Devil’s plaything,’ one more time, I swear to God I’m gonna smite someone.”

In closing, Satan had this to say, “Look, people, I’m not interested in the lesser sins like adultery or coveting thy neighbor’s wife or even his ass, or even his wife’s ass. The only way I’m gonna take the blame for your sins is if you commit some really big crime like genocide or act like a God when you know damned well you are just a mortal. Until then, quit trying to lay the guilt trip on me and fess up to your own shortcomings,” and with that, he lit a few wildfires in Arizona to prove his point.

Sarah Palin Totally Baffled on New England History Tour

As Sarah Palin wound down her One Nation tour of New England, one thing was abundantly clear to all who came in contact with her. She needed a lesson or two in the history department.

From the Liberty Bell to the Statue of Liberty, Sarah Palin uttered the same phrase over and over again—“I did not know that,” leaving some to wonder if this trip she was taking was a way to get her up to speed on American History in case she does make up her mind to run for President.

In addition to “I did not know that,” she was also overheard saying things like “get outta here” and “you’re joking right?” and the overall consensus was that she mostly just did not know a lot of stuff. For instance, when told that the Battle of the Little Bighorn was not fought in Massachusetts, she uttered an audible “You’re just messing with me now, right?”

There were also reports that Sarah Palin kept her 10-year old daughter, Piper, close at hand to help fill in the gaps when someone more knowledgeable was not convenient. At one point, Piper was caught on camera giving mom a quick lesson in government telling her, “No, mama, Abraham Lincoln did not sign the Declaration of Independence.”

With Fox footing the tab for the “family vacation,” Sarah Palin has proven once again that it’s not what you know but who you know. She may not know Diddly, but she sure can tell you whose face is on the $100 bill. “It’s that kite guy, right?”

Female Soccer Fans Experiencing Diego Forlan Withdrawal Pains

Ed. Note: With the news that Diego Forlan is happy playing for the Spanish team, Atletico Madrid, and won't be sold to another team, I thought I'd reprise this story I wrote during the last World Cup instead of trying to write another story which might possibly expose my limited knowledge about all things international soccer. I just think Diego Forlan is cute.

“Diego Forlan--Ohhhh he’s so dreamy,” read the headlines of the front-page story in the Miami Herald weeks ago when Diego Forlan first caught the attention of women soccer fans worldwide. According to the story, this sentiment was echoed all over the world as female soccer fans tuned into the World Cup just to catch a glimpse of Forlan, lead striker for the Uruguayan team, strut across the soccer field like a Greek athlete, nay God. The headline now reads “World Cup Over. No More Chances to Watch Diego Forlan on Television. Women Weep Uncontrollably.”

After news broke that Forlan was chosen as the top player of the World Cup, women everywhere took it as a good news/bad news scenario. Said Rosita Rosana Hernando Discreeto from her Miami bedroom, from which she hasn’t emerged since realizing the Cup was over and there were no more chances to see Forlan play ball unless she subscribed to the International Channels on Sky TV which are so totally overpriced as to make her think it would be cheaper just to catch a flight to Montevideo and stalk her favorite player, “Dees ees so steenkeen’ unfair ju know? I was like all up in my TV watching Diego, fantasizing about our life together and having his cheeldren, and then he does thees to me. Steenkeen’ men, who needs them, ju know? But at least I’m glad he won that Golden Ball award, but why just one golden ball? He deserved two.”

Rosita’s husband, Juan has tried everything to get Rosita out of the bedroom, “but she just sits there on the bed playing the vuvuzela I bought for her at the Dollar General and singing Spanish love songs to herself,” said Juan.

“Get out of my room, Juan, can’t you see I am greeveeng over the loss of my only true love I’ve ever known?” screamed Rosita, as she sobbed into the body pillow she so aptly nicknamed “Diego.”