Amazing New Product, Writer Fiber, Cures Writer’s Block

John Aholi, a writer from Hoboken, New Jersey, has had his fair share of days trying to squeeze out short stories to post on his semi-successful blog “The John.” But now, thanks to a new product called Writer Fiber, the words are flowing on The John with little to no effort at all.”

Aholi says there’s nothing crappier than sitting at a computer, straining for just the right words only to have nothing come out for hours on end. “I can’t stress to you how much it means to me to have a product like this. It has taken quite a load off,” he said.

Writer Fiber was developed by Aholi’s writer friend, Curtis Finkter, a full-time pharmacist who moonlights as a features writer for his local newspaper, The Daily Constitution. “I started getting backed up at work and realized it was affecting my writing in a major way,” said Curtis. “I was full of ideas but getting them out was another thing. That’s when I began working on a tablet that would get the juices flowing for writers like me,” he said.

While John jokes that he and his friend Curtis “have always been full of “it,” he can’t thank him enough for the cure for writer’s block. “Thanks to Writer Fiber, we’re finally able to get “it” out on a more regular basis.”

Psychic Predicts Jesus’ Unexpected Return in Early 2012

Hollywood Psychic Miss Lucy doesn’t usually give her New Year’s predictions until the latter part of November. The same is true for this year, with one exception. She claims she had a vision so strong that she could not wait to get the prediction out to her followers so that they can prepare for what’s to come.

In her usual profane way, Miss Lucy warns us to seriously be aware that “God is highly pi$$ed off. So much so,” she says, “that he’s scheduled an early ‘second coming of Christ’ to straighten us humans out and get us re-focused on his original true message.” Miss Lucy says her predictions center mainly on Wall Street, but that America’s Christians are also in for a rough time of it if they don’t get their act together toot sweet.

“It appears that our actions have not gone without notice by the Big Guy, and He’s sending Junior back down here to turn the tables over again and remind us just how much he hates it when humans start thinking they’re more powerful than the one who put them here in the first place.” Lucy claims she was told that God doesn’t look too kindly on those who treat their fellow men poorly for the sake of a buck, and He’s about had it up to here with the rampant greed taking place all over the world. “Those rich ‘Essohbees’ are about to find out just who their CEO really is,” she said.

While Miss Lucy can’t say for certain the exact date Jesus will return, she is warning anyone who has put wealth, power and greed at the top of their “to do” lists to listen up. “He’s coming all right, and if you think a weekly visit to the Chapel of your choice is gonna save you, you better think again.”

Miss Lucy finished her prediction by saying that come early 2012, Jesus himself is gonna be ringing the opening bell on Wall Street. “You can bet your sweet a$$ on that.”

Republicans Claim Inheritance Tax Owed on Deficit Inherited from Bush Administration

Republicans continue to assure the wealthiest Americans that no new taxes will be levied against them. However, with the Tea Party breathing down their necks and threatening to withhold votes if something isn’t done to get the budget under control, top Republican strategists have come up with a plan they believe will take on the appearance of bringing in some much-needed revenue.

“We’re demanding that the present administration pay a 10% inheritance tax on the $8 trillion worth of debt over the next decade that Obama inherited from George W. Bush,” said Karl Rove at a recent fundraiser. “We fully admit that we laid a goose egg right before leaving office, but hell, that’s no excuse for allowing Barack Obama to get off scott free by not paying any tax on that debt,” said a defiant Rove to thunderous applause.

Hoping to cash in on the belief that “most Americans don’t know diddly about economics and wouldn’t know a tax law if it jumped up and bit them” Rove is confident that this latest ploy will succeed in making it seem plausible that a sitting President can be held responsible for paying inheritance tax on a balance (albeit a negative balance) inherited from the former administration.

When questioned where the money would come from to pay the inheritance tax, Rove replied “That’s not our problem. Let’s let the Democrats figure that part out,” as he went on to explain how corporate “gifting” works. 

Lady Gaga Sings Happy Birthday to President Obama Marilyn Monroe-Style

Friends of Lady Gaga claim they were in awe after receiving news that their famous friend was attending President Obama’s 50^th birthday bash. They weren’t, however, ready for the video showing her very up close and personal song to our nation’s leader.

Ms. Gaga showed up at Chicago’s Aragon Ballroom Wednesday afternoon in her own version of the famous jeweled gown worn by Marilyn Monroe and looked every bit the part right down to her platinum blonde wig and bedroom eyes as she took center stage and belted out the now-famous version of “Happy Birthday Mr. President.”

After the song, Gaga spoke directly to President Obama from the stage, saying, “Sorry, sir, that you had such a rough week. I hope this makes up for some of it,” and with that she went over and gave Obama a peck on the cheek, wished him a Happy Birthday and scurried away in the 10-inch mouse slippers she wore to the event.

Her sultry shenanigans were not lost on the President who later quipped, “I should get shot down in Congress more often.”

X Removed from Alphabet in Austerity Measure

Cuts in education spending in the United States have forced educators to pare costs to a bare minimum. Class sizes have almost doubled, old, worn out textbooks are being used in place of new, and in the latest rounds of cuts, the letter X has been removed from the alphabet. Educators believe that having 25 letters in the American English alphabet instead of 26 will allow children to learn their "letters" more quickly and move them on to the next grade with less effort.

Wallace Grimley, US Superintendent of Education has addressed the issues associated with removal of the letter X in a pamphlet sent home to all parents of school-age children entitled "The X-Factor No Longer Needed in American English," which uses a popular British television show as his premise for telling the parents that the X is not really needed in our alphabet and that we can, in fact, do quite nicely without it.

In the pamphlet, Grimley explains that the letter X is phonetically sounded out as "ecks" and therefore words such as extreme and exercise will benefit the most because not only will the X be removed, but an eckstra E won't be needed in the replacement as in e"ecks"tra. That alone will reduce costs considerably he says. The only problem Grimley sees is the word xylophone. "That is a bit of a sticky wicket for us," claims Grimley. "While all other words that use the "ecks" sound, xylophone uses a "zee" sound. It is for this reason that we have decided to totally remove the word xylophone from the English language. It will be replaced by the more popular glockenspiel or timpani.

Republicans Block Obama Proposal to Change National Anthem to Kumbaya

In an attempt to try to sell the public on the notion that both sides of Congress have come together for the common good of America in agreeing to disagree on most everything related to the national debt, President Obama, before going off to try and sell a second term to his constituents, suggested the National Anthem be changed to Kumbaya.

 Kumbaya is an African-American spiritual song which translates to "Come by Here" and through the years has come to symbolize peace, harmony and compassion toward our fellow man. It is a standard song sung around campfires, in cars by families heading out on the road together, and now, President Obama wants the song to replace the Star-Spangled Banner as our national anthem.

The move didn’t set well with Republicans as you can imagine. "First of all," claims Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), "before now, no one even knew what the song meant. Oh sure, it makes everyone feel all fuzzy warm when they sing it, I guess, but what the hell does 'come by here' have to do with America as a nation? Nothing."

Sen. Lindsey Graham chimed in as well. "I've listened to the lyrics and let me just say that Americans singing ‘someone's sleeping, Lord,' has terrorist attack written all over it. Once our combatant enemies see that we are asleep at the wheel, do you honestly think they aren't going to come after us? The whole thing makes us sound like we're just a country of namby-pambys."

When Senator Graham was told that the lyrics actually were four verses which included "someone's laughing, Lord, someone's crying, Lord, someone's praying, Lord, and someone's singing, Lord," Graham stated "Well then, that's worse. Makes us sound like we're all manic depressive."

The song proposal didn’t even make it to a House vote before being shelved. “I’d dare the President to come up with just one American to believe that the Democrats and Republicans really did come together for that debt ceiling vote. It was just a way to clear the slate so we could all go on vacation. This fight is far from over,” said John Boehner, who then told the press he’s taking a road trip up the New England coast with his family.

Shame," claims Obama. "I really thought we were coming together as a nation and changing our anthem would seal the deal. Guess we just aren't there yet, but I do have hope." To which Boehner responded, “Oh hell, if it makes him feel any better, I’ll get the kids to sing Kumbaya on the way to Martha’s Vineyard.”

Adam Lambert Spelled Backwards is Difficult to Pronounce

Most people have not taken the time to wonder what would happen if you spelled Adam Lambert’s name backwards. Mostly because it doesn’t really spell anything. Trebmal Mada may be a word in a foreign language. It could translate to ‘working giant jungle cat.’ We simply do not know.

One thing is certain, playing Adam Lambert songs backwards are also not likely to produce any particularly sage advice. Not that we’ve tried, but from past experience with Beatles’ music, it pretty much is a hodge-podge of words strung together that sound foreign to our ears and which is not helpful in the least.

What we can agree on is this. The connection of writing Adam Lambert backwards as well as doing the same to his music has a distinct correlation when it comes to trying to decipher exactly what it is the Tea Party wants out of the debt ceiling talks.

If we could find a way of winding the thoughts of some of those newly-elected Senators frontwards, we might have a clue as to just what it is they want to accomplish in Washington.

Apologies for ruining a perfectly good article about Adam Lambert with talk of the Tea Party. This may open up a whole new can of worms, but for anyone interested, if you scramble the letters contained in the words Tea Party, you come up with “Tater Pay.” Guess that’s something we can all start to look forward to, except, of course, the country’s unemployed.