Top Reason Republicans are Secretly Afraid of Sarah Palin

A new book out by Joe McGinnis entitled The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin has everyone from Wasilla to Washington abuzz over the woman who would have everyone think she is most likely the best person in the world to run the United States. But the buzz is not good. Evidently, the book points out very clearly that those closest to Palin are the ones who hate her the most.

According to those Alaskans who know her best, getting Sarah mad is not a smart thing to do. Seems just about every Republican who has come in contact with her knows this, swears she can’t be trusted, and seems to be doing everything in their power to see that she doesn’t run for, or get elected to, the office of President of the United States.

Why? Simple. “She is the epitome of a high school sophomore bitch,” claims one high-ranking Republican who wished to remain anonymous. “Sarah Palin can spread false lies and rumors faster than anyone I’ve ever known and that makes us fellow Republicans very, very nervous.” In fact, those that know her say she puts MCGinnis to shame when it comes to spreading lies and innuendo.

A source close to Palin confirms this tidbit about ‘Sarah the Barracuda.’ “While all of the other Republican candidates are busy boning up on things like American history, current events, even learning how to pronounce unpronounceable names of world leaders, Sarah is doing her homework too, albeit on much different subjects.”

According to the unidentified source, Sarah Palin takes the term ‘boning up’ to a whole new level. “Sarah is rooting around in her opponents’ closets to find skeletons that she can use against them. To her, it’s so much easier to destroy an opponent’s reputation than to have to compete with them intellectually.”

This is exactly what Sarah Palin did when she held public office in Alaska. She destroyed her opponents by filing complaints against them and publicly challenging some of the most loved and respected Republicans in Alaska [see Ted Stevens]. This type of political back-stabbing has put Republicans on high alert and has many working around the clock to scrub any of their own personal records that might remotely hint at impropriety.

While Rick Perry claims he could care less about “some little missy from Wasissy” as he put it, rumor is that Palin is hot on his tail. Palin was recently caught wondering out loud “Don’tcha think that Rick Perry is handsome?” she was overheard saying. “I can’t help but wonder with someone that good lookin’ he must have at least one or two mistresses out there who would just love to tell their side of the story.”

Michaele Salahi Not Abducted by Aliens After All; She's Just Rocking Out

Michaele Salahi was reported missing by her husband Tareq Salahi on Wednesday when he looked all around their house and couldn’t find her. Her usual lipstick-stained coffee mug with her name on it in gold was not in the kitchen sink, and the bed on her side of the room looked as if it had been slept in but was empty.

Tareq Salahi reported his wife Michaele Salahi missing and told Warren County, Virginia authorities that he thought aliens might be to blame.

“I saw flashing lights in the driveway around 6 a.m.,” said Tareq, “heard the clear humming of an engine that might have been the hum of a spaceship, and the eerie shadows on the wall of a tall, gaunt figure running down the hall.”

Tareq claims that at first, he thought he was dreaming and went back to sleep but when he awoke hours later, Michaele was nowhere to be found.

Tareq assumes it could only have been aliens as Michaele would never leave without telling him exactly where she was going. It was just something they did.

Once the story of her disappearance hit the wires, however, a different explanation emerged. “She went running off with a rock star,” said Michaele’s sister, Ann Coulter. “I mean, really, have you seen Tareq? I wonder why it took her this long to finally ditch his ass.”

Michaele Salahi has been found in Tennessee in the arms of Neal Schon of the band, Journey. When asked if she has anything to say to Tareq, she said “Yeah, I want my coffee mug, oh and Rock On, Dude!” Salahi added, “This is so much cooler than hanging out in the White House.”

 

Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date

Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date.

“It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one of Griffin’s closest friends. “After all, Kathy did spend the weekend at Anderson’s house doing everything but humping the furniture to get his attention.”

Cooper’s mother, while not exactly happy about her son’s choice of a date, says she is looking forward to meeting Griffin.

“Oh, I’m not taking Kathy to meet my mother,” said Cooper. “She’s not that kind of girl.”

Asked if seeing Kathy naked is what made him finally give in to Griffin, Cooper replied, “It didn’t hurt.”

Meanwhile, Kathy Griffin is said to be “over the moon” and says she is going to try to be on her best behavior this time. “I almost ran him off with my crazy antics,” said Griffin. “This time I’m gonna play hard to get and stay out of his drawers.”

Michele Bachmann Claims Soul Scrubbing May Someday Cure Gayness

By now, just about everyone has heard rumors about Michele Bachmann’s husband’s attempts to find ways to cure gayness through therapy. While most people believe this simply cannot be done, others are interested in knowing more about another, more secretive, experiment the Bachmanns are involved with through the Fellowship, aka the Family.

The Family is a US-based religious and political organization with deep connections to Washington and it pretty much sets the standard for practicing Christians, telling them what they can and cannot think or believe. With the vast amount of money the Family is putting behind this new secretive research project, many of those involved claim it has more than an 80% chance of success.

Dubbed “Hetero-Soul” the project aims to free gay men and women from the confines of their sexual leanings, help them get rid of their “gay” mannerisms, and help them become more attractive to the opposite sex. But more than that, this program aims to actually go deeper into these individuals’ souls and cleanse them with a process called “soul scrubbing,” a process much like washing the mouth out with soap after a child has uttered curse words.

At a recent fundraiser, Bachmann was asked whether she believed Soul Scrubbing actually worked to erase the gay tendencies of men and women, to which she responded that while the research is in the early stages, i.e. it hasn’t actually been tested on humans (or barbarians as her husband refers to them) yet, she does believe the concept is doable.

In fact, as Michele was giving this interview, Marcus Bachmann was seen leaving the second of several gay bars he planned on frequenting for the evening trying to find test subjects for his Soul Scrubbing. When reporters caught up with him and asked him what he was doing in the company of the gay men, he would only say that he was on a secret mission to save souls.

Pollution in Lake Michigan Forces UFOs to Surface in Record Numbers

Public officials have been at a loss to explain numerous UFO sightings off Illinois’ east coastal area within the last few months. While there are usually one or two sightings reported each month, in the month of July alone, there were 13 sightings, two of which are being studied as serious anomalies.

Judd and Bitzi Gother of Highland Park, Ill were having a late dinner party on their yacht “Got Her Bling” with a few friends when Bitzi claims she looked up into the sky and saw several colored lights spinning at a distance directly above their heads. “It was so freaky.” said Bitzi, “One minute I’m eating my shrimp cocktail and the next, I’m seeing colors. I thought maybe I’d bitten into a bad prawn, haw haw haw haw," she said jokingly.

The Gothers and their guests weren’t the only ones who filed a report that evening. The fact there were so many reports caught the attention of the local chapter of SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) to come and investigate. What they found was evidence that there may be hundreds of colonies of extraterrestrial beings living on the floor of Lake Michigan, and possibly one or two other Great Lakes, who have found it necessary to suddenly move to a more desirable location.

“Lake Michigan is polluted,” claims Claire Hudwink, a scientist who, for the past 30 years, has been studying the possibility that alien life does exist under our water systems. “And we are thinking that the stench is just too much for these alien creatures to withstand.”

“Imagine you’re living in a beautiful home of your dreams and someone comes to your house with a semi-tractor trailer full of garbage and dumps it on your front step. You can clean the mess up but you may never get rid of the stench that permeates your yard. This is what these aliens are faced with from our decades of dumping our garbage in various bodies of water in and around the United States.”

Hudwink claims that additional sightings of UFOs hovering over the more pristine bays up around the Arctic Circle may be the same ships that were seen leaving Lake Michigan. “They have the capacity to dive so deep and then hide themselves when they reach the bottom of these bodies of water that we just can’t track them,” said Hudwink. She says the only way we may be able to force them out again would be to stage a large dumping event near Prudhoe Bay and hope we can sniff them out. “Lord knows we have the manpower and the garbage to get the job done,” said Hudwink.

Ellen DeGeneres Files Petition to Change Name to Ellen the Generous

With Christmas just a couple months away, everyone is wondering what Ellen will be giving away this year during her “Twelve Days of Giveaways.” Oh there will certainly be lots of gift cards for everything from fancy chocolates to wine and flowers, not to mention big-screen televisions, iPads and the occasional automobile, but the one thing Ellen wants to give herself is a name change.

A Los Angeles County Court official has leaked the news to the press that Ellen DeGeneres wants to change her name to “Ellen the Generous” to memorialize just how giving a person she is.

While some believe this is a bit of an egotistical move on Ellen’s part, Ellen disagrees. “Hey, how many people do you know who have made it big in this business are willing to give something back to their fans? Not many, I can tell you that,” she said. “I don’t think it is wrong to want to take credit where credit is due in light of the enormous amount of money I’ve spent to get to this point.”

Ellen says that instead of going on her show and tooting her own horn all the time, she thinks she’d like to just let her name say it all. “Ellen the Generous,” she said. “I mean, it’s not like you have to learn any new sounds or anything.” Ellen claims that once the name change is in place the only other thing on her list of to do’s is to find one of those capes with fur (fake of course) around the collar, a big red puffy velvet crown, and a large over-sized throne for her television show stage. “A regal name needs some regal props,” she said.

DeGeneres said that she has advised Oprah to change her name as well. “She’s the one who started this whole gift-giving deal on talk shows.” said Ellen. “I think she deserves a name change as well.”

When asked what she thinks Oprah should change her name to, Ellen noted had an answer almost immediately. “Well that’s a no-brainer,” she said. “It would be Oprah Win Free, duh.”

Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next

Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it into your thick heads, the better,” said Cheney at a recent book signing at the local Army Navy Surplus Store in downtown Des Moines, Iowa.

Cheney has received quite a bit of criticism lately from people in his book such as Condoleezza Rice and Gen. Colin Powell for what they consider outright lies about his tenure as Vice President of the United States.

Dressed in fatigues and looking quite a bit more robust than in recent memory, Cheney gave the small crowd gathered a dressing down for not understanding the importance of killing everyone in our path who does not adhere to our strict democratic doctrines.

“We’ve become a nation of ‘givers,’” said Cheney. “Don’t you know that the more you give, the more you create a dependency on yourself?” Cheney said Santa Claus was a good example of a bad example in this regard.

“I don’t know who came up with the idea of some stranger breaking into our homes and leaving stuff behind for kids without them having to work for it, but whoever it was is an idiot,” he proclaimed. “My kids didn’t get Christmas presents and neither do my grandkids. Instead, I wake them up on Christmas morning and make them watch war movies for 12 hours,” said Cheney. “Just ask my grandkids and they can recite the lines from any one of Charlton Heston’s films. Now that guy is a hero and he doesn’t need a belly like a bowlful of jelly to get my respect.”