Sarah Palin Jumps into Race to Save GOP

Today Sarah Palin is a hero to all the folks who have lost interest in their beloved GOP. She announced at a local Joplin, MO diner that she was indeed going to join in the race to become the GOP’s presidential nominee.

“We’d lost all hope,” said John Franklin, husband of Hope Franklin, no relation to the word hope in this sentence. “From Herman Cain, to Rick Perry to the present day sweetheart, Newt Gingrich, we Tea Party members have not yet felt any connection to a candidate like we did Sarah Palin. With Sarah back in the race, we are going to win all the way to the white house,” said Franklin.

Cheers went up when Sarah entered the Sweets n’ Eats Diner on the outskirts of Joplin, famous for its fresh strawberry pie. “I just love fresh strawberry pie,” said Sarah as she and husband Todd took a stool and sat through a meal of meat loaf and mashed taters, finishing off with a slice of the famous pie, albeit made with frozen strawberries as strawberry season is over.

Palin then told the crowd that no matter if something is served in season or out of season, “as long as you are famous for it, you have to serve it up,” and that is what she is doing by jumping back into the race. Palin also said she was tired of watching a bunch of amateurs vie for votes that she knows she could easily get just by showing up in Iowa. “I’m like that slice of strawberry pie.” said Palin, “You know you shouldn’t but you just can’t resist.”

Upon hearing the news, Historian Newt Gingrich commented, “She can’t do that can she?”

Jerry Sandusky Scared as Hell to Face Abuse Charges in Texas

Hi Jerry. Meet your new mommy.

By now, the world is aware of a very bad man who did very bad things to young boys. Jerry Sandusky, a coach at Penn State is in police custody after being charged with sexual abuse stemming from his allegedly forcing himself sexually on at least 8 young boys.

New news out of Texas, in particular, San Antonio, claims that Sandusky may also be guilty of abusing a young boy at an Alamo Bowl game in 1999 between Penn State and Texas A & M. The child was allowed to accompany Sandusky to the Alamo Bowl game for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We now know it was only a ploy for Sandusky to get the child alone for his sick pleasures.

These latest charges have Sandusky pleading for mercy. “I can’t face these charges in Texas,” wailed a visibly distraught Sandusky. “I have heard stories about Texas jails. There is so much abuse there. Please, I’ll do anything, just don’t make me stand trial in Texas.”

Authorities could not be pinned down on exactly when Sandusky will be extradited to Texas, but confirmed that they will do everything in their power to get him down there asap in their jails. “Yes,” said one jail official, “we do have a pretty high incidence of abuse. And we can’t wait to introduce him to some of our model prisoners.”

Scientist Claims Facebook is a Secret Social Experiment for Monetary and Political Gain

Henrique Oppenheimer, a research scientist who works for a major scientific research laboratory in Los Alamos, New Mexico, has let leak that the social networking site, Facebook, is actually a secret social experiment that began as a way to get humans to open up completely about their feelings in a public forum so that corporations could use the information for monetary and political gain.

Oppenheimer claims that Mark Zuckerberg, the supposed creator of Facebook, actually just agreed to lend his name to the laboratory to make the site appear to be the brainchild of another internet startup that took other networking sites such as LinkedIn and MySpace and made them better.

“We needed a way to get human beings to open up about how they felt on certain topics such as politics, religion, marriage, divorce, dating, etc.,” said Oppenheimer, “but we needed an honesty that ordinary poll questionnaires just didn’t allow.” The information gathered from Facebook has been used by some of the largest corporations in the world to develop and sell various new products, as well as helping decide what politicians must do and say to get elected to office.

Oppenheimer says that no one could predict just how effective the site would become in gathering information about its test subjects. What started out as a study in human behavior became a springboard for one of the most incredibly honest outpourings of feelings the world has ever seen and the most lucrative wellspring of public opinion ever produced.

The laboratory that Oppenheimer claims to be working for totally denies the allegations and says that they have nothing to do with Facebook. “We have a Facebook page, period,” said chief research scientist, Bark Ingmad. “We would encourage those who may believe Oppenheimer’s claims to continue their rants, raves, friending and unfriending as usual and to not worry so much about who is watching or taking notes.”

Herman Cain Claims Dapper Appearance Cause for Unwitting Female Attraction

“Herman Cain is a Dapper Dan,” said Herman Cain at a recent appearance before a group of millionaires who don’t care who he’s banging as long as he keeps their best interests to heart.

“Herman Cain can’t help it if sexy blondes throw themselves at Herman Cain,” said Cain as he once again denied ever acting inappropriately toward any females while CEO of the National Restaurant Association.

“Herman Cain is snappy dresser, plain and simple, but he (Herman Cain) is worn out with all the attention he gets from being so suave and debonair,” said Cain as he appeared very comfortable wearing an expensive cashmere sweater vest under an equally expensive charcoal grey double-breasted suit.

“Herman Cain’s wife, while very understanding, is just a tad angry at the fact that she married such a handsome devil who women just can’t keep their eyes off of, even at Herman Cain’s age,” said the presidential candidate as he stepped away from the podium and rubbed closely against a tall blonde woman who was standing in the audience.

“I just came to ask Mr. Cain a few questions for my local newspaper,” said Sally Sweetwater, “but I guess I bit off more than I could chew, standing so close to where Mr. Cain was to exit the podium.” Sweetwater says she can’t understand how all this got so out of hand, however.

“While he does dress pretty snappy, there is a certain smell about him that makes me wonder why any woman would want to get within ten feet of him.”

India Has a Thing For Michaele Salahi

There is a love affair going on in India the likes of which have not been seen since France took a serious shine to Jerry Lewis.

From diet tips to how to ditch a boring, useless husband, just the mention of White House party crasher Michaele Salahi in India will turn heads and sell millions of newspapers.

What is it that makes Michaele the honey of India’s dew? “It’s the fact that we all have the image of a very tall, very blonde woman wearing an Indian sari so beautifully,” claims Bollywood actor Vivek Oberoi. “We love beautiful people, and Michaele to us is beauty personified, except, of course, for her blonde hair.”

In India, women with dark hair wearing beautiful saris is just a given. That is why, when Salahi showed up on the scene in November 2009 beautifully coiffed and wearing a gorgeous red and gold sari, all India’s eyes were on her. That is, all Indian men’s eyes were on her.

“She is so fake,” claims famous Bollywood actress, Aishwarya Rai. “If I had a rupee for every time I saw an Indian man drool over her photograph…it disgusts me.”

Still, when Michaele Salahi blinks, everyone in India takes notice. Her leaving Tareq for Journey member Neal Schon shocked the entire nation, but many claim it is because she is a very strong, independent woman who knows how to find money, “and that,” says Oberoi, “has always been a very desirable trait for women in India.”

Cheney Autobiography ‘Mein Kampf II’ Flies off Bookstore Shelves

Contributed by RFreed

Dick Cheney has finally completed his long awaited autobiography 'Mein Kampf II.' Eager fans of fascism have been gnawing their own limbs off and those of Barnes And Noble staff waiting for it to come out.

In the new book, Cheney describes in excruciating detail his steady rise to unlimited power along the well-worn trails of American power mongering. An excerpt from his early years is: "It took every bit of my creative talent and nerve to get out of the draft and not be sent over to Vietnam. It was sheer hell! No man should ever have to go through that. And I had to dodge it five times!"

Despite this ordeal, Cheney proved his mettle by going on to become the Secretary Of Defense, the head of the U.S. military responsible for sending thousands of other Americans off to fight. But no price was too much to keep the oil flowing and thereby his moolah as well.

Before launching into his political career, Cheney describes the difficulties of raising children, albeit daughters, in our modern world. "I screwed a whole nation, but ended up with only daughters,” says Cheney. “Thankfully, whether I want to admit it or not, one of those daughters had the audacity to buck societal trends and give her dear old dad the son he never had.”

On the hardships of learning the political craft, Cheney says, "Nixon was an expert at the underhanded move, the political side-swipe. Unfortunately he was a lousy teacher, and I had to learn a lot of it on my own. Much of his lore will be lost forever due to that lack of talent."

And, on the difficulties of holding office, he writes "It is so demanding having to be Vice-President and a day-care attendant at the same time. I barely had enough time in a day to set up my Haliburton contracts. I lost a majority of my cut having to wet nurse Georgy W all the damn time."

Cheney goes on to write about the teddy bear qualities that endeared him to the hearts and minds of so many. "I personally delivered the keys to the jet bombers we brought over covertly to Al-Babra for the coup to set up his country as one friendly to ours. I will never forget the tears of gratitude that stained his cheeks, or the cool 30 million that ended up making from it."

Lastly, he writes of his regrets about helping to start the Iraqi war that took so many lives on both sides, "Man, I only made 15 million from the whole scheme! To my way of thinking, we could have made so much more just destroying and rebuilding Iraq’s infrastructure alone. It was a total waste of my talents."

Herman Cain Story Most Readers Would Like to Read

With all the stories circulating about Herman Cain’s past sexual harassment charges, it seems everyone is jumping on the bandwagon to either assist him in proving or disproving the stories. While Cain sits high upon the fence, not yet ready to admit to any wrongdoing, speculators are coming up with some even wilder stories to make sure Cain doesn’t leave the political spotlight anytime soon. Here are some stories readers say they would pay good money to read:

Skeletons in Herman Cain’s Closet Have Boobs

Clarence Thomas Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Rick Perry Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Herman Cain Claims Black Hat is Source of All his Recent Troubles, Trades it in For White Hat

Herman Cain Takes Credit for Making Three Black Women Wealthier than When They First Met Him

Al Gore Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from the Massage Table

Bill Clinton Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from Cigars

John Edwards Tells Herman Cain to Lay Low, Preferably Under a Blonde

Herman Cain Claims Sex Had Nothing to do With His Sexually Harassing Those Women

Rumors Regarding Cain’s Viagra Usage Started by Georgia Pharmacist Turn Out to be False. Cain Only Admits to Using Enzyte.

Herman Cain Says Invite to lunch with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney Must Have Gotten Lost in the Mail

While none of the stories have been corroborated, it is fair to say that at least half or more of them will be given to research assistants in the next few days to determine if any have merit. Meanwhile, this writer would be glad to develop any one of the stories if asked.