An Up Close Look at Australian Animals From Hell

Contributed by RFreed


No, I am not going to write about kangaroos. 


I am not that cheap. Everybody who wants to write funny stories about Australia writes about kangaroos. I refuse to stoop that low. They are too easy a target, too cheap a shot. I will, however, write about koala bears. I may not be cheap, but I have my limits. Koala bears sell.


Just to show how thin the line between humor and reality is at times I have put an asterisk before items that really, actually and truly did happen. In the words of fellow human being and somewhat inferior humor writer Dave Barry - “This is true, I am not making this up.” (Mr. Barry, through slick and highly questionable means, now owns the copyright to this statement.)


In Australia there are many loathsome creatures to watch out for as they are highly feared. In some areas it is the Australians themselves, but I'll get to that in another article. It's almost as though God intentionally put the most dangerous animals together in one place thinking that man would not find them there. (Except for the polar bear. God was wise enough to hide them in the North Pole where it took man a bit longer to find them. As far as I know there are no polar bears in Australia, although what I know doesn't go that far. No abominable snowmen either, although I have seen a few characters in Queensland who make me wonder.) 


Of course, there are the usual crocodiles and poisonous snakes and spiders, but they've been done to the point of bah-oring. What I really want to warn you about are the little rascals you least expect who sneak up on you like door-to-door salesmen in a bad economy.


*One of these are turtles. Yes, turtles. I can tell you first hand that in Australia, they are the size of Sumo wrestlers. I happened to be swimming back to the beach one day when I saw the wake of something coming towards me. At first I thought “Shark!” and my reaction was to wet my wet suit. When the thing passed under me, however, I saw that it was nothing more than a giant turtle. Luckily giant turtles don't have a taste for scuba divers but are now known as one of the many animals in Australia who get a kick out of scaring the living crap out of swimmers. 


Another denizen of Down Under is the notorious green-headed, green-butted ant. It has, as you can gather from the green-headed, green-butted name, a green head and a green butt and what has not been mentioned previously, a brown midsection. This green-headed, green-butted, brown-midsectioned beasty will for the duration of the rest of this article be shortened to GHGBA to save me and the editor valuable time. Now GHGBAs are funny looking enough to begin with, but on top of that they have a nasty bite which is especially saved for those who make fun of them (which is why I waited until I got home to write this). Couple that with the fact that in some areas they are as common as grass, and, you guessed it, live in the grass, and that folks spells Trouble with a capital 'T', which effectively changes the insect's name to GHGBAT.


Did you notice that I haven't mentioned kangaroos once yet?


One of the tiniest but meanest creatures in Australia are sand fleas. Sand fleas are especially evil things, worthy of a Stephen King novel. They are unseeable, unstoppable AND THEY THRIVE ON HUMAN BLOOD!!!!! Did I mention that they bite? Did I mention that the bites ITCH LIKE HELL? How do you fight off something that you can't see? I compare the horror to a bad grade B movie. You know, the ones where the invisible vampire sucks you dry like the IRS in April. When one thinks of a country entirely surrounded on all sides by warm, swimable beaches, it is a veritable sin for this to be ruined by such an evil presence as invisible but very real sand fleas. God must hate anyone having too good a time in paradise.


*For scuba divers, of which I am unfortunately a part of the group, there are Wobegons. They are sharks of the harmless variety (or so they say.) They are also known as 'Sleeping Sharks' because they lie around on the bottom of the sea like couch potatoes without televisions. This they did, that is, until my diving buddy accidentally kicked one and it went swimming off. Not that I'm complaining, but honestly, this destroys my concept of sharkhood since I always thought that any self-respecting shark would at least bite a diver's leg off for interrupting his siesta. While these sharks are real tough looking, as they have hides that look like camouflaged Desert Storm uniforms, the truth is, they are real wussies, but I thought I'd throw these creatures into this article just to see if you're paying attention.


Kukaburras are loud birds that sound like chimpanzees with an irritating case of hemorrhoids. They sound like the entire jungle backdrop of a Tarzan movie. Strangely, all of this noise comes out of short, squat bodies no bigger than pigeons, but then again, bull horns ain't all that big either. Now, although they don't sting, bite, or otherwise endanger the average camper, they are annoying as hell. If you are ever unlucky enough to have one next to your tent or cabin, you'll wish like hell you'd opted for a room at the local hostel, bedbugs or no bedbugs. 


Still haven't mentioned kangaroos.


Of course, one creature one never thinks to fear is the humble koala bear, but in whispers at night when no tourists are about, the natives speak fearfully of....KILLER KOALAS!!!!!! I have no earthly clue why the true nature of these animals has never been leaked to the press. Advertised as being cute, shy, loveable animals has created a gullible, vulnerable and ultimately unsuspecting public. While they aren't even bears, once you've encountered them in the wild, you can see where the koala picked up the latter half of its name. 


See, I didn't once mention kangaroos.

Koch Brothers Decide on Host for First Ever MSM Interview

When it comes to the Koch Brothers, you don’t ask them to do anything. Rather, they decide what it is they want to do and then they pull the strings to make it happen with little regard to whom it affects or whose wardrobe is soiled in the process.

In this case, David Koch decided one night after a little too much Courvoisier that it would be an absolute hoot to go on television, maybe even a mainstream media show, and give a short interview to give Americans a peek into who the Koch Brothers really are.

“Ooh, it would be great,” said David. “We could start off by telling everyone we are going to make the banks raise their service fees again, and that we are going to pull the leases on every building in NY that houses homeless shelters just before Christmas. And, while we’re at it,” he said, “we could announce to everyone that they can stop biting their nails over the elections, that we’ve already decided Herman Cain to be the next President of the United States…or Rick Perry,” he continued, “it doesn’t really matter.”

His brother Charles, who was sipping alongside him, actually agreed saying “Of course, what a brilliant idea. We could ruin Christmas for almost everyone in America this year. What a delightful way to spend the holidays.” With that, a plan was set in motion to find the perfect host.

The first name that popped up was, of course, Anderson Cooper. “Ooh, he’s absolutely dreamy,” the butlers heard David saying during an impromptu cognac tasting to choose the most expensive brand to celebrate Scott Walker staying on as Governor of Wisconsin for the remainder of his term.

While Anderson Cooper may be dreamy, he does have a tendency to go for the jugular and to not do what he’s told even when the commands are coming from two of the most powerful and influential men in American politics. Giggling, Charles Koch told David, “I’d give him a you-know-what (indicating with his tongue against his cheek), but never an interview.” David agreed what a pain in the ass Anderson Cooper could be and they both let out a little sigh at the thought.

Other names were floated about. Wolf Blitzer, too serious. Bill O’Reilly, too chummy. When Rachel Maddow’s name was thrown out there, David laughed so hard the cognac came squirting through his nose requiring a complete wardrobe change. “O dear Charles,” said David, “You are completely and utterly barking mad,” and then he threw out the name Jon Stewart, and they both laughed so hard they had to stop drinking for a few moments for fear of drowning in expensive snot.

“We’d be positively lynched,” said Charles growing hysterical again at the notion of undergoing such a hideous demise.

After collecting themselves and again becoming somewhat serious, Piers Morgan’s name came up. They both agreed on Morgan as being the best person to interview them. “Oh, he’s such a crawler,” said David (a word he uses to describe people who come to the Koch Brothers on their hands and knees for favors). “I would be surprised if we’d even have to pay him to do this.”

Word has it, Piers has been approached several times about this but so far hasn’t been able to give a yes or no response as he’s going through underwear like an octogenarian every time the mention of his interviewing the Koch Brothers comes up, not to mention the inability to keep his drool to a minimum.

No word yet on the date for the interview, but the Koch Brothers are hoping it doesn’t interfere with the Iowa Caucuses. “December 25^th would be a great day to hold the interviews, said David. “I don’t believe we’re doing anything special that day.”

Sarah Palin Jumps into Race to Save GOP

Today Sarah Palin is a hero to all the folks who have lost interest in their beloved GOP. She announced at a local Joplin, MO diner that she was indeed going to join in the race to become the GOP’s presidential nominee.

“We’d lost all hope,” said John Franklin, husband of Hope Franklin, no relation to the word hope in this sentence. “From Herman Cain, to Rick Perry to the present day sweetheart, Newt Gingrich, we Tea Party members have not yet felt any connection to a candidate like we did Sarah Palin. With Sarah back in the race, we are going to win all the way to the white house,” said Franklin.

Cheers went up when Sarah entered the Sweets n’ Eats Diner on the outskirts of Joplin, famous for its fresh strawberry pie. “I just love fresh strawberry pie,” said Sarah as she and husband Todd took a stool and sat through a meal of meat loaf and mashed taters, finishing off with a slice of the famous pie, albeit made with frozen strawberries as strawberry season is over.

Palin then told the crowd that no matter if something is served in season or out of season, “as long as you are famous for it, you have to serve it up,” and that is what she is doing by jumping back into the race. Palin also said she was tired of watching a bunch of amateurs vie for votes that she knows she could easily get just by showing up in Iowa. “I’m like that slice of strawberry pie.” said Palin, “You know you shouldn’t but you just can’t resist.”

Upon hearing the news, Historian Newt Gingrich commented, “She can’t do that can she?”

Jerry Sandusky Scared as Hell to Face Abuse Charges in Texas

Hi Jerry. Meet your new mommy.

By now, the world is aware of a very bad man who did very bad things to young boys. Jerry Sandusky, a coach at Penn State is in police custody after being charged with sexual abuse stemming from his allegedly forcing himself sexually on at least 8 young boys.

New news out of Texas, in particular, San Antonio, claims that Sandusky may also be guilty of abusing a young boy at an Alamo Bowl game in 1999 between Penn State and Texas A & M. The child was allowed to accompany Sandusky to the Alamo Bowl game for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We now know it was only a ploy for Sandusky to get the child alone for his sick pleasures.

These latest charges have Sandusky pleading for mercy. “I can’t face these charges in Texas,” wailed a visibly distraught Sandusky. “I have heard stories about Texas jails. There is so much abuse there. Please, I’ll do anything, just don’t make me stand trial in Texas.”

Authorities could not be pinned down on exactly when Sandusky will be extradited to Texas, but confirmed that they will do everything in their power to get him down there asap in their jails. “Yes,” said one jail official, “we do have a pretty high incidence of abuse. And we can’t wait to introduce him to some of our model prisoners.”

Scientist Claims Facebook is a Secret Social Experiment for Monetary and Political Gain

Henrique Oppenheimer, a research scientist who works for a major scientific research laboratory in Los Alamos, New Mexico, has let leak that the social networking site, Facebook, is actually a secret social experiment that began as a way to get humans to open up completely about their feelings in a public forum so that corporations could use the information for monetary and political gain.

Oppenheimer claims that Mark Zuckerberg, the supposed creator of Facebook, actually just agreed to lend his name to the laboratory to make the site appear to be the brainchild of another internet startup that took other networking sites such as LinkedIn and MySpace and made them better.

“We needed a way to get human beings to open up about how they felt on certain topics such as politics, religion, marriage, divorce, dating, etc.,” said Oppenheimer, “but we needed an honesty that ordinary poll questionnaires just didn’t allow.” The information gathered from Facebook has been used by some of the largest corporations in the world to develop and sell various new products, as well as helping decide what politicians must do and say to get elected to office.

Oppenheimer says that no one could predict just how effective the site would become in gathering information about its test subjects. What started out as a study in human behavior became a springboard for one of the most incredibly honest outpourings of feelings the world has ever seen and the most lucrative wellspring of public opinion ever produced.

The laboratory that Oppenheimer claims to be working for totally denies the allegations and says that they have nothing to do with Facebook. “We have a Facebook page, period,” said chief research scientist, Bark Ingmad. “We would encourage those who may believe Oppenheimer’s claims to continue their rants, raves, friending and unfriending as usual and to not worry so much about who is watching or taking notes.”

Herman Cain Claims Dapper Appearance Cause for Unwitting Female Attraction

“Herman Cain is a Dapper Dan,” said Herman Cain at a recent appearance before a group of millionaires who don’t care who he’s banging as long as he keeps their best interests to heart.

“Herman Cain can’t help it if sexy blondes throw themselves at Herman Cain,” said Cain as he once again denied ever acting inappropriately toward any females while CEO of the National Restaurant Association.

“Herman Cain is snappy dresser, plain and simple, but he (Herman Cain) is worn out with all the attention he gets from being so suave and debonair,” said Cain as he appeared very comfortable wearing an expensive cashmere sweater vest under an equally expensive charcoal grey double-breasted suit.

“Herman Cain’s wife, while very understanding, is just a tad angry at the fact that she married such a handsome devil who women just can’t keep their eyes off of, even at Herman Cain’s age,” said the presidential candidate as he stepped away from the podium and rubbed closely against a tall blonde woman who was standing in the audience.

“I just came to ask Mr. Cain a few questions for my local newspaper,” said Sally Sweetwater, “but I guess I bit off more than I could chew, standing so close to where Mr. Cain was to exit the podium.” Sweetwater says she can’t understand how all this got so out of hand, however.

“While he does dress pretty snappy, there is a certain smell about him that makes me wonder why any woman would want to get within ten feet of him.”

India Has a Thing For Michaele Salahi

There is a love affair going on in India the likes of which have not been seen since France took a serious shine to Jerry Lewis.

From diet tips to how to ditch a boring, useless husband, just the mention of White House party crasher Michaele Salahi in India will turn heads and sell millions of newspapers.

What is it that makes Michaele the honey of India’s dew? “It’s the fact that we all have the image of a very tall, very blonde woman wearing an Indian sari so beautifully,” claims Bollywood actor Vivek Oberoi. “We love beautiful people, and Michaele to us is beauty personified, except, of course, for her blonde hair.”

In India, women with dark hair wearing beautiful saris is just a given. That is why, when Salahi showed up on the scene in November 2009 beautifully coiffed and wearing a gorgeous red and gold sari, all India’s eyes were on her. That is, all Indian men’s eyes were on her.

“She is so fake,” claims famous Bollywood actress, Aishwarya Rai. “If I had a rupee for every time I saw an Indian man drool over her photograph…it disgusts me.”

Still, when Michaele Salahi blinks, everyone in India takes notice. Her leaving Tareq for Journey member Neal Schon shocked the entire nation, but many claim it is because she is a very strong, independent woman who knows how to find money, “and that,” says Oberoi, “has always been a very desirable trait for women in India.”