Typos in Small Town Newspaper Story Puts Herman Cain in Awkward Position

The Leaderville Picayune-Messenger is in hot water after a typo throughout a news article wasn’t caught in time. The error is making Herman Cain out to be one horny old man, but this time, it was not intentional.

Evidently, whoever edited the story about Herman Cain moving out in front of the elections once again this past week didn’t realize they did a global replace, making the news story about Cain’s erection, not election. While the story has been retracted, the damage has been done. Here are some excerpts in case you missed the original story.

“…and while Herman Cain believes his growing erection results are a clear indication that he’s the front runner once more…”

“…not only is Mr. Cain proud of the erection results he’s achieved in the past…”

“It is the women I want to impress in the upcoming erections,” said Cain as he…

“Mr. Cain told the crowd of a hundred or so supporters that his erection results couldn’t have come at a better time. ‘I’m ready, willing and able to get this job done,’ said Cain.”

“About his past meteoric rise in the erection polls, Herman Cain was quick to point out that he, alone, made it happen. My wife, God love her, doesn’t like erections all that much…”

“While Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich have both experienced good erection results of late, it is Herman Cain who may just outlast them all…”

“It’s erection time folks, and I just want to keep this up for as long as I can…”

Pepper Spray Tans Catching on with College Campus Protesters

With all of their leftover disposable income being spent on college tuition rate hikes, students all over America are finding it harder and harder to find the money for extras to make themselves more appealing to potential partners.

“We were counting on the money we saved on tuition to have our nails done and get a spray tan before going on spring break so we can look halfway decent in Mexico,” said Bambi Courtney, a business major who attends the University of California-Davis. “But now, with the schools jacking up our tuition, we are finding it more and more difficult to look hot for spring break.”

Bambi says she and her sorority sisters were in their rooms watching television when they saw their fellow students getting hit pretty hard by campus police with pepper spray. The end result was that the students who were sprayed suffered burns not unlike those you’d get by sitting under a hot sun for hours.

“We were stunned,” said Bambi. “Here we were sitting around all weekend with nothing to do, no money to do it, and no way of talking our parents into footing the bill for yet another spray tan session and it hit us, we’ll just go out there and link arms and let those nice policemen hit us with the pepper spray.”

Dorry Hardings, Bambi’s best friend, agreed. “I heard it stings really bad, but heck, I’ve gotten a bad sunburn before after passing out from drinking too many Coronas on the beach. I’ve been there, done that. This can’t be that much worse.”

Dorry and Bambi say they are hoping the protests last until next March and if so, they say they will be in the front lines of those protests wearing bikinis and hoping when the police come around, they’ll take a moment to let the girls turn slowly around so that pepper spray hits their skin evenly all the way around.

“We are learning so much in business school,” said Bambi. “While we aren’t sure yet why all those kids find it necessary to go out there day in and day out to protest for like world peace and stuff like that, we’re glad they are doing it. Otherwise,” she said, “we wouldn’t have even thought of this alternative to high-priced tanning sessions. I may even ask daddy to help me start a small company to combine protesting with tan-enhancing services.”

“Oh the things you learn in business school,” she said as she prepared to go out for the evening peddling the awesome fake ID’s she found online.

Liberals Claim Calling GOP Candidates Turkeys Becoming Redundant

Rick Perry Doesn't Mind the Turkey Moniker One Bit

Liberal Democrats say it used to be fun to poke fun at the GOP candidates vying for their party’s nomination in 2012, but that is no longer the case. “It is no longer a challenge,” said Dennis Kucinich, who appeared before a group of Ohioans on the eve of Thanksgiving day.

“Turkeys always seem to get a bad rap when it comes being identified with Republicans,” he said. “Now, since I’m not a meat eater, I never really did understand why someone would disparage a turkey that way. If I had my druthers, I’d just call them all (Republicans, not turkeys) cabbage heads. Seems a bit more fitting,” said Kucinich.

Other liberals agree. “I used to chuckle every Thanksgiving Day before a big election,” said Sue Wombat. “Calling Republican candidates turkeys was very much a Thanksgiving tradition at our house. But there are so many of them, now,” she said, “and while they’ve all kind of earned that title, it just doesn’t have that fun ring to it anymore. In fact,” said Wombat, “there isn’t a lot this year to joke about or be thankful for, so calling a bunch of dodo birds turkeys is just redundant.”

How Grover Norquist Stole Christmas

Now the middle of classes were middler than most

They had oodles of things on which they could boast.

They had cars, and houses, and TVs and more

They were boasting and boasting of goodies galore.

Til one day the bottom all dropped out from under

The middle of classes was torn quite asunder.

The greed of the 1% people with money

Decided to steal all the milk and the honey.

There’d be no Christmas at least for the middle

Their savings had dried up to less than a piddle.

No tea set for Susie, no train set for Bill,

No help for their parents from Capitol Hill.

A man with a tax plan who called himself Grover

Determined the American Dream was now over.

From now on he’d fight for only the wealthy

The richest of rich and the healthiest of healthy.

No tax for the millionaires claimed Grover’s pledge

We’ll push all the Middlers straight up to the edge.

I promise you, promise you, promise you all

If you sign on the line, working people will fall.

They’ll all lose their jobs, they’ll go hungry and then

If they dare try to make it, we’ll push them again.

Their paydays will dwindle, they’ll beg for our mercy

Especially the ones who were born in New Jersey.

Wisconsans, Ohioans all wanting to bargain

We’ll teach them new words in our greediness jargon.

Down with new taxes and up with bank fees

We’ll squeeze and we’ll squeeze and we’ll squeeze till they wheeze.

And then Grover laughed, yes he laughed till he cried

He looked in the camera with a face full of snide.

I told you I’d do it, I told you I could

Put all of those lawmakers up to no good.

This Christmas will only be happy for some

The very tip tippy top tippy top ones.

He finished his tirade with one last remark

Get rid of those hippies in Zucotti Park.

Late Night Hosts Call Moratorium on Jokes about Occupy Wall Street

Last week on the David Letterman show, the silence about Occupy Wall Street was palpable. “It’s not funny, folks,” said Letterman about a subject he says is taboo in his circles. “We aren’t gonna joke around about this, it just wouldn’t be right,” and then launched into the top ten things John Zuccotti is also namesake of. Number one…John Zuccotti, Jr.

Craig Ferguson took the same tact. In fact, at one point in his show on Thursday, he abruptly stopped talking to his sidekick Geoff after the robot skeleton made a snide remark about tents. “We’ll be havin’ none of this, Mr. Smarty Pants,” Ferguson shouted to the robot before having his stage hands take the little guy away. The audience could hear him yelling back “In your pants, in your pants,” as he was being hauled off stage.

In a particularly brazen move, Jimmy Fallon, while agreeing to not talk trash about Occupy Wall Street, actually brought a tent on stage and performed his entire show from the inside of the tent. “While it was a novel approach,” said a protester outside in the cold, “we have to wonder if (a) he even feels our pain, or (2) how he’d survive in the cold out here with us without his cute little pup tent.” Fallon later apologized and claims his people didn’t read the fine print of the proposed moratorium and blamed his writers for the inability to be serious just this one time.

All in all, the moratorium so far has been a success, but trying to reel in Stephen Colbert has been challenging. “Look folks, I’m the best in the business and I didn’t get to be top banana by waxing empathetic and joining some stupid moratorium. Seriously, would you honestly want me to cut back on a story that has more punch lines than a senior citizens’ get together? I don’t think so.”

While those working for Colbert have been doing their best to school him on just how insensitive he can come across by making fun of a movement that is fighting to bring equality to the masses, it doesn’t seem to be changing Colbert’s mind in the least. “I get it,” says Colbert. “But look at it this way, if it weren’t for humor, those folks who are losing their jobs and their houses would really be screwed.”

In fact, while getting ready for a show next week, strains of a popular song from a skit Colbert was developing …“I’m a pepper, you’re a pepper, he’s a pepper, we’re a pepper, wouldn’t you like to spray some pepper too, be a pepper,” could be heard emanating from Colbert’s dressing room. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but honestly, I’m just trying to do my job here, folks.”

An Up Close Look at Australian Animals From Hell

Contributed by RFreed


No, I am not going to write about kangaroos. 


I am not that cheap. Everybody who wants to write funny stories about Australia writes about kangaroos. I refuse to stoop that low. They are too easy a target, too cheap a shot. I will, however, write about koala bears. I may not be cheap, but I have my limits. Koala bears sell.


Just to show how thin the line between humor and reality is at times I have put an asterisk before items that really, actually and truly did happen. In the words of fellow human being and somewhat inferior humor writer Dave Barry - “This is true, I am not making this up.” (Mr. Barry, through slick and highly questionable means, now owns the copyright to this statement.)


In Australia there are many loathsome creatures to watch out for as they are highly feared. In some areas it is the Australians themselves, but I'll get to that in another article. It's almost as though God intentionally put the most dangerous animals together in one place thinking that man would not find them there. (Except for the polar bear. God was wise enough to hide them in the North Pole where it took man a bit longer to find them. As far as I know there are no polar bears in Australia, although what I know doesn't go that far. No abominable snowmen either, although I have seen a few characters in Queensland who make me wonder.) 


Of course, there are the usual crocodiles and poisonous snakes and spiders, but they've been done to the point of bah-oring. What I really want to warn you about are the little rascals you least expect who sneak up on you like door-to-door salesmen in a bad economy.


*One of these are turtles. Yes, turtles. I can tell you first hand that in Australia, they are the size of Sumo wrestlers. I happened to be swimming back to the beach one day when I saw the wake of something coming towards me. At first I thought “Shark!” and my reaction was to wet my wet suit. When the thing passed under me, however, I saw that it was nothing more than a giant turtle. Luckily giant turtles don't have a taste for scuba divers but are now known as one of the many animals in Australia who get a kick out of scaring the living crap out of swimmers. 


Another denizen of Down Under is the notorious green-headed, green-butted ant. It has, as you can gather from the green-headed, green-butted name, a green head and a green butt and what has not been mentioned previously, a brown midsection. This green-headed, green-butted, brown-midsectioned beasty will for the duration of the rest of this article be shortened to GHGBA to save me and the editor valuable time. Now GHGBAs are funny looking enough to begin with, but on top of that they have a nasty bite which is especially saved for those who make fun of them (which is why I waited until I got home to write this). Couple that with the fact that in some areas they are as common as grass, and, you guessed it, live in the grass, and that folks spells Trouble with a capital 'T', which effectively changes the insect's name to GHGBAT.


Did you notice that I haven't mentioned kangaroos once yet?


One of the tiniest but meanest creatures in Australia are sand fleas. Sand fleas are especially evil things, worthy of a Stephen King novel. They are unseeable, unstoppable AND THEY THRIVE ON HUMAN BLOOD!!!!! Did I mention that they bite? Did I mention that the bites ITCH LIKE HELL? How do you fight off something that you can't see? I compare the horror to a bad grade B movie. You know, the ones where the invisible vampire sucks you dry like the IRS in April. When one thinks of a country entirely surrounded on all sides by warm, swimable beaches, it is a veritable sin for this to be ruined by such an evil presence as invisible but very real sand fleas. God must hate anyone having too good a time in paradise.


*For scuba divers, of which I am unfortunately a part of the group, there are Wobegons. They are sharks of the harmless variety (or so they say.) They are also known as 'Sleeping Sharks' because they lie around on the bottom of the sea like couch potatoes without televisions. This they did, that is, until my diving buddy accidentally kicked one and it went swimming off. Not that I'm complaining, but honestly, this destroys my concept of sharkhood since I always thought that any self-respecting shark would at least bite a diver's leg off for interrupting his siesta. While these sharks are real tough looking, as they have hides that look like camouflaged Desert Storm uniforms, the truth is, they are real wussies, but I thought I'd throw these creatures into this article just to see if you're paying attention.


Kukaburras are loud birds that sound like chimpanzees with an irritating case of hemorrhoids. They sound like the entire jungle backdrop of a Tarzan movie. Strangely, all of this noise comes out of short, squat bodies no bigger than pigeons, but then again, bull horns ain't all that big either. Now, although they don't sting, bite, or otherwise endanger the average camper, they are annoying as hell. If you are ever unlucky enough to have one next to your tent or cabin, you'll wish like hell you'd opted for a room at the local hostel, bedbugs or no bedbugs. 


Still haven't mentioned kangaroos.


Of course, one creature one never thinks to fear is the humble koala bear, but in whispers at night when no tourists are about, the natives speak fearfully of....KILLER KOALAS!!!!!! I have no earthly clue why the true nature of these animals has never been leaked to the press. Advertised as being cute, shy, loveable animals has created a gullible, vulnerable and ultimately unsuspecting public. While they aren't even bears, once you've encountered them in the wild, you can see where the koala picked up the latter half of its name. 


See, I didn't once mention kangaroos.

Koch Brothers Decide on Host for First Ever MSM Interview

When it comes to the Koch Brothers, you don’t ask them to do anything. Rather, they decide what it is they want to do and then they pull the strings to make it happen with little regard to whom it affects or whose wardrobe is soiled in the process.

In this case, David Koch decided one night after a little too much Courvoisier that it would be an absolute hoot to go on television, maybe even a mainstream media show, and give a short interview to give Americans a peek into who the Koch Brothers really are.

“Ooh, it would be great,” said David. “We could start off by telling everyone we are going to make the banks raise their service fees again, and that we are going to pull the leases on every building in NY that houses homeless shelters just before Christmas. And, while we’re at it,” he said, “we could announce to everyone that they can stop biting their nails over the elections, that we’ve already decided Herman Cain to be the next President of the United States…or Rick Perry,” he continued, “it doesn’t really matter.”

His brother Charles, who was sipping alongside him, actually agreed saying “Of course, what a brilliant idea. We could ruin Christmas for almost everyone in America this year. What a delightful way to spend the holidays.” With that, a plan was set in motion to find the perfect host.

The first name that popped up was, of course, Anderson Cooper. “Ooh, he’s absolutely dreamy,” the butlers heard David saying during an impromptu cognac tasting to choose the most expensive brand to celebrate Scott Walker staying on as Governor of Wisconsin for the remainder of his term.

While Anderson Cooper may be dreamy, he does have a tendency to go for the jugular and to not do what he’s told even when the commands are coming from two of the most powerful and influential men in American politics. Giggling, Charles Koch told David, “I’d give him a you-know-what (indicating with his tongue against his cheek), but never an interview.” David agreed what a pain in the ass Anderson Cooper could be and they both let out a little sigh at the thought.

Other names were floated about. Wolf Blitzer, too serious. Bill O’Reilly, too chummy. When Rachel Maddow’s name was thrown out there, David laughed so hard the cognac came squirting through his nose requiring a complete wardrobe change. “O dear Charles,” said David, “You are completely and utterly barking mad,” and then he threw out the name Jon Stewart, and they both laughed so hard they had to stop drinking for a few moments for fear of drowning in expensive snot.

“We’d be positively lynched,” said Charles growing hysterical again at the notion of undergoing such a hideous demise.

After collecting themselves and again becoming somewhat serious, Piers Morgan’s name came up. They both agreed on Morgan as being the best person to interview them. “Oh, he’s such a crawler,” said David (a word he uses to describe people who come to the Koch Brothers on their hands and knees for favors). “I would be surprised if we’d even have to pay him to do this.”

Word has it, Piers has been approached several times about this but so far hasn’t been able to give a yes or no response as he’s going through underwear like an octogenarian every time the mention of his interviewing the Koch Brothers comes up, not to mention the inability to keep his drool to a minimum.

No word yet on the date for the interview, but the Koch Brothers are hoping it doesn’t interfere with the Iowa Caucuses. “December 25^th would be a great day to hold the interviews, said David. “I don’t believe we’re doing anything special that day.”