Arnold Schwarzenegger Treats Sylvester Stallone to Elective Surgery

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were spotted side-by-side at a local hospital on Thursday. While Schwarzenegger appeared to have just come from shoulder surgery, it was not immediately clear what Stallone was in the same hospital for.

That is, until Ahnold let the cat out of the bag. “I get lonely sometimes when I have to go into the hospital,” said Schwarzenegger. “It helps when I have someone there with me, so I offered to pay for some elective surgery for my buddy, Sly.”

Unfortunately, one of the procedures Stallone elected to have was a plumping up of the lips, which left him temporarily unable to utter intelligible words.

“That’s ok,” joked Schwarzenegger, “the guy has such a heavy accent, I never really could understand him.”

Both actors were expected to make a full recovery and be back on the set together in no time.

Republicans Blame Millionaires for Creating Too Many New Jobs

The GOP National Committee issued a statement late Friday evening chastising its millionaire members for creating new jobs and making the Republican candidates for President look like fools when going after Barack Obama.

“The economy is recovering faster than we anticipated, jobs are becoming plentiful again, and we are having a difficult time convincing our constituents that any changes need to take place,” said John Hollingsworth, GOP spokesperson in Washington, D.C. “The whole thing is turning back in on us, and we have our millionaires to blame.”

The latest job numbers indicate that more than 240,000 new private sector jobs were added to the rolls in January, and the weekly unemployment claims dropped by another 12,000.

“You have to be freakin’ kidding me,” Newt Gingrich was quoted saying as he readied himself for a speech in Las Vegas ahead of the Saturday caucus. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this information?” he asked no one in particular.

A Gingrich spokesperson has reportedly said that if the situation worsens, meaning jobs become even more plentiful, Gingrich is ready and willing to bow out of the race and let Mitt Romney suffer the ire of his supporters for the job creation fiasco that seems to be gaining momentum.

Ghost of Dead Conservative Couple Following Mitt Romney Around

We're Watching You Willard

When he waffles on an issue or appears to be going a bit soft on President Obama, Mitt Romney gets an invisible tap on the shoulder, or his papers will shift ever so slightly, making it hard for him to concentrate on what he is talking about.

Two ghostly apparitions that have been witnessed by several of Romney’s aides are being blamed for the seemingly inexplicable events.

“They appear to be an older couple,” said Marsha Willingsworth, one of Romney’s speech writers, who is also interested in the supernatural. “I’ve seen them [the ghosts] several times, always standing directly behind Mr. Romney, and always appearing to listen to him intently. I call them Thurston and Lovey, after the millionaire characters on Gilligan’s Island."

Willingsworth claims she has witnessed Thurston tapping Romney more than once when it appears he is heading in a direction he [Thurston] doesn’t like, such as Romney’s recent statements that he believes President Obama is turning the economy around.

“As of late, Thurston is turning up the heat,” said Willingsworth, “and I don’t know just how far the ghost will go to see that his conservative values are being met even in death.”

Meanwhile, Romney claims there is no such thing as ghosts and therefore refuses to believe it is anything more than just a rustling of wind or a wardrobe needing adjustment.

“I did feel a swift kick in the pants once while giving a speech to the Rotary Club in Des Moines, Iowa,” said Romney, “but I’d just had my suits altered that morning and believe the tailor may have gotten the inseam measurement a bit wrong.”

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow; Predicts Six More Months of Newt Gingrich

Folks in Pennsylvania have been complaining for years about all the taxpayer money they spend on lavishing their resident star groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, with the best hole in the county and some of the finest fruits and vegetables around. For what they’re spending, they don’t feel they are getting much more than a quick peek out the hole every year to see how much more of a winter they have to endure.

So this year they decided to make the groundhog work a little harder for his fame and have given him a second job, that of political predictalator. Just as Paul the Psychic Octopus became famous predicting the winners in the last Soccer World Cup, Punxsutawney Phil or just “Phil the Predictalator” as he is now known, was given a chance to predict just how much more voters had to endure of one particular candidate for President, Newt Gingrich.

“At first,” said Mayor John Rhodent, “we thought we should use an actual newt to predict the length of stay of Gingrich on the political scene, but after several attempts at pinning one down (they are extremely slimy and hard to catch), we decided to just tack on the job to Phil’s other duties.”

Asked why they were only interested in how much longer Newt Gingrich would run and not the other three candidates, including the frontrunner, Mitt Romney, Rhodent said this “Don’t know really. Guess someone made the connection between a large rodent and Gingrich. That and the fact that we’d all had a bit too much to drink night before last, and the more we thought about it, we figured ‘why the hell not?’”

Mitt Romney Keeping Several Offshore Wives in the Cayman Islands

Authorities in the Cayman Islands are remaining mum after reports have surfaced this week indicating that in addition to the large sums of money Mitt Romney has stored in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands, he also has a mansion which houses multiple wives.

According to website AskMen, some men don’t need an offshore bank account but admit it is a pretty good pick up line and is something straight out of a James Bond movie. This leads some to wonder if that’s how you get multiple women to marry you.

While keeping multiple wives doesn’t sound at all sexy to most men, it does have a certain appeal when it comes to the question “who is powerful enough to lead a nation?” Obviously, to some men, the more wives the more power.

Romney, a devout Mormon, denies the rumors and reiterates the fact that Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But, he admits he is flattered that anyone would think he could take on more than just one wife at a time. Said Romney, “Let’s just say that if it were legal, I’d have all the wives right here at home,” and then quickly changed the subject by bringing up the fact that some men are the marrying type and some are the divorcing type, referring to his bitter rival, Newt Gingrich.

Koch Brothers Paying Gingrich to Run to Make Romney More Palatable

Seems these days no one wants to be in Newt Gingrich’s shoes and the only ones convinced that he should be our next President are himself and a handbag of Tea Party nutwings like Hermain Cain and Sarah Palin. Gingrich isn’t a stupid man, so it begs the question why does he continue to show up at rallies and declare himself the best man for the job?

Money. It always comes down to money. While it cannot be confirmed (in any real sense of the word in a meaningful way), some sources close to the Romney camp are saying things like “Let’s just say the money is on Mitt but the real money is on Gingrich.”  What?

Translation: The Koch Brothers are doing everything in their power to make their candidate, Mitt Romney look like the only option, including throwing money at the Gingrich campaign to keep Newt on the trail, spouting his ridiculous promises.

“The moon thing was my idea,” says David Koch. “I about laughed my ass off when I saw Newt up there telling America he was gonna put a colony on the moon if he was President.”

“He’s a smart man, but he’s so, so gullible,” chimed in Charles Koch. “I just love it when he tells folks how he’s responsible for keeping the Republican Party intact. That is just priceless,” said Charles. “Everyone knows it’s Koch money that is assuring the Republican Party’s success. Without us, the GOP would just be the same old boring song and dance, but when we jazzed it up with a little Tea Party dissent, it sparkled.”

Meanwhile, there are rumors in the Romney camp that Mitt is getting a bit anxious about actually becoming President. “I keep hearing rumors that being President means you actually have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty occasionally,” said Mitt. “Wonder if it is too late to back out and just let Gingrich have the job.”

Hare Krishnas Tossing Real Flowers; Now Twisting Balloons for Tips

It has been almost two years since the California Supreme Court ruled that Los Angeles and other California cities may ban Hare Krishnas from panhandling at airports. Since then, the Hare Krishnas have been busy trying to find avenues around the laws to allow them to once again get money into their coffers while spreading their message of peace and love.

Whereas before, Krishnas would hand out flowers in expectation of receiving a donation for their society, it has been ruled that this is illegal and must stop.

So, what to do?

Fortunately, several months ago, a couple of Hare Krishna devotees were having coffee at a local IHOP when they noticed a man walking around offering to twist balloons into various shapes for the patrons--for a fee of course. The Krishnas noticed that the man was making anywhere from $2 to $5 for each toy.

“The lightbulb went ‘bling!’” said Abhay Dhir, a down-on-his-luck devotee who just so happened to know someone who worked at the local Party Store. “I knew I could get the balloons really cheap. All we needed to do is learn how to twist them to look like daisies. It was pure genius.”

After checking with his ACLU lawyers, Abhay was able to ascertain whether or not balloon twisting for money in airports is legal. Turns out it is.

“The rest is taking care of itself,” said Abhay. He has trained over 100 devotees the art of twisting balloons into daisies and they are once again ready to head into California’s airports to spread their message and make a little money.

“Each balloon comes with a little message from the Hare Krishnas,” said Abhay. “The best part of all is that we haven’t met one person yet who hates watching a balloon flower take shape, even while doing so means having to sit through several verses of the Hare Krishna mantra.”