Debt Collectors Forced to Make Calls on Themselves

When you talk about the economy being bad, you usually think this is great news for debt collectors. More people defaulting on their loans means more phone calls, and more phone calls means more bonus money in the pocket.

Unfortunately, not all debt collectors are good at squeezing blood out of a stone, and therefore, their bonus money just doesn’t exist. No place is more evident than Davidsburg, Indiana, a tiny little hamlet just outside Evansville. There, exists Acme Accounts Collectibles, which happens to be the largest employer in town.

While most of the employees of Acme make a pretty good living scaring the living daylights out of debtors by threatening to do everything but take their first born if they don’t pay up, there are several employees who can’t find it in their hearts to tell the little old ladies that their husbands are spending the bread and egg money at the nearby race track and they (Acme) are going to share that information with the local authorities if the debts aren’t paid toot suite.

One employee, in particular, Sherilee Hoskins, is just one of those bleeding hearts who is caught in an awful catch 22 of the debt collection kind. Since she finds it hard to twist the nipples of the bare-chested (a term used by many hardened debt collectors), her own financial situation suffers. In order to make ends meet each month, she is required to contact herself two, three, sometimes even four times a day and call herself every name in the book.

“I’m just so tired of calling myself a mooch,” said Sherilee, “but in order to put food on the table, this parasite has to toe the hoe or whatever the hell they make me say to myself.” She then added, “The worst part about it is when I hang up on myself. I hate when that happens,” she said tearfully.

There are others just like Sherilee who are in the same boat and being told to call their own cell phones between the other calls and give themselves hell.

 “Some days it’s easy,” says Will Forabuck. “I feel so beat up just having to yell at other people that I start thinking, ‘yeah, you are a drain on society or you don’t deserve to breathe the same air as everyone else,’ just basically the same things we all are told to say to the other deadbeats, and it starts to all blend together. But,” says Forabuck, “if I want to keep driving around in my new Silverado, this freeloader has to be a lot harder on himself.”

Rumors Surface Once More that Jeb Bush is Entering GOP Race

The Godfather of the GOP, Karl Rove, has hinted that he still has a few tricks up his sleeve to turn the GOP Presidential race back into a somewhat respectable spectacle. Speaking last night at a Rotary Club Dinner given in honor of George H. W. Bush, who Rove claims was one of the finest Presidents this side of Reagan, Rove gave very strong indications that he is about ready to pop with joy.

“Gentlemen,” Rove began, “light your cigars, sit back and let that big porterhouse steak digest, and just relax. Daddy’s gonna give you some very, very good news.”

The news, apparently, is that Rove and daddy Bush are at it again. This time, they are pushing Jeb Bush into the Presidential ring.

“We were going to wait this out and see if the boys [Romney and Gingrich] could play nice enough to get our base ignited again,” said Rove, “but we seriously underestimated their stupidity.”

Rove went on to say that the only way the GOP has a [expletive] chance of winning this [expletive] race is to get a God-[expletive] fella in there who can make nicey-nice with the Kochs, schmooz the female vote, and, of course, win Florida back from Romney.

When reminded that the Florida ship has already sailed—meaning the primary has already taken place, Rove replied, “Rules are made to be broken. In fact,” said Rove, “the GOP allowed Florida to move its primary ahead, and we all found out real quick what a complete boneheaded move that was. But we can fix that so that Jeb still has a chance in that state.”

Rove was in top form as he explained to the crowd how Gerrymandering works.

“What you do is slice a few key districts from Florida (meaning Republicans of course) and attach them to the adjoining states that haven’t held primaries yet, i.e. Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Louisiana, not to mention making Puerto Rico a Miami county. Then we throw Jeb in the race and see him take those states. By then, the momentum will have taken hold, and voila, another Bush in the White House--bye-bye Romney.”

Asked about the other candidates, especially Gingrich, Rove was on it. “We send him to Nevada and tell him they are having a party in his honor, ply him full of liquor and give him a few blonde bombshells to take his mind off politics for awhile and by April, he won’t even remember why he entered the race.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger Treats Sylvester Stallone to Elective Surgery

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were spotted side-by-side at a local hospital on Thursday. While Schwarzenegger appeared to have just come from shoulder surgery, it was not immediately clear what Stallone was in the same hospital for.

That is, until Ahnold let the cat out of the bag. “I get lonely sometimes when I have to go into the hospital,” said Schwarzenegger. “It helps when I have someone there with me, so I offered to pay for some elective surgery for my buddy, Sly.”

Unfortunately, one of the procedures Stallone elected to have was a plumping up of the lips, which left him temporarily unable to utter intelligible words.

“That’s ok,” joked Schwarzenegger, “the guy has such a heavy accent, I never really could understand him.”

Both actors were expected to make a full recovery and be back on the set together in no time.

Republicans Blame Millionaires for Creating Too Many New Jobs

The GOP National Committee issued a statement late Friday evening chastising its millionaire members for creating new jobs and making the Republican candidates for President look like fools when going after Barack Obama.

“The economy is recovering faster than we anticipated, jobs are becoming plentiful again, and we are having a difficult time convincing our constituents that any changes need to take place,” said John Hollingsworth, GOP spokesperson in Washington, D.C. “The whole thing is turning back in on us, and we have our millionaires to blame.”

The latest job numbers indicate that more than 240,000 new private sector jobs were added to the rolls in January, and the weekly unemployment claims dropped by another 12,000.

“You have to be freakin’ kidding me,” Newt Gingrich was quoted saying as he readied himself for a speech in Las Vegas ahead of the Saturday caucus. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this information?” he asked no one in particular.

A Gingrich spokesperson has reportedly said that if the situation worsens, meaning jobs become even more plentiful, Gingrich is ready and willing to bow out of the race and let Mitt Romney suffer the ire of his supporters for the job creation fiasco that seems to be gaining momentum.

Ghost of Dead Conservative Couple Following Mitt Romney Around

We're Watching You Willard

When he waffles on an issue or appears to be going a bit soft on President Obama, Mitt Romney gets an invisible tap on the shoulder, or his papers will shift ever so slightly, making it hard for him to concentrate on what he is talking about.

Two ghostly apparitions that have been witnessed by several of Romney’s aides are being blamed for the seemingly inexplicable events.

“They appear to be an older couple,” said Marsha Willingsworth, one of Romney’s speech writers, who is also interested in the supernatural. “I’ve seen them [the ghosts] several times, always standing directly behind Mr. Romney, and always appearing to listen to him intently. I call them Thurston and Lovey, after the millionaire characters on Gilligan’s Island."

Willingsworth claims she has witnessed Thurston tapping Romney more than once when it appears he is heading in a direction he [Thurston] doesn’t like, such as Romney’s recent statements that he believes President Obama is turning the economy around.

“As of late, Thurston is turning up the heat,” said Willingsworth, “and I don’t know just how far the ghost will go to see that his conservative values are being met even in death.”

Meanwhile, Romney claims there is no such thing as ghosts and therefore refuses to believe it is anything more than just a rustling of wind or a wardrobe needing adjustment.

“I did feel a swift kick in the pants once while giving a speech to the Rotary Club in Des Moines, Iowa,” said Romney, “but I’d just had my suits altered that morning and believe the tailor may have gotten the inseam measurement a bit wrong.”

Punxsutawney Phil Sees Shadow; Predicts Six More Months of Newt Gingrich

Folks in Pennsylvania have been complaining for years about all the taxpayer money they spend on lavishing their resident star groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, with the best hole in the county and some of the finest fruits and vegetables around. For what they’re spending, they don’t feel they are getting much more than a quick peek out the hole every year to see how much more of a winter they have to endure.

So this year they decided to make the groundhog work a little harder for his fame and have given him a second job, that of political predictalator. Just as Paul the Psychic Octopus became famous predicting the winners in the last Soccer World Cup, Punxsutawney Phil or just “Phil the Predictalator” as he is now known, was given a chance to predict just how much more voters had to endure of one particular candidate for President, Newt Gingrich.

“At first,” said Mayor John Rhodent, “we thought we should use an actual newt to predict the length of stay of Gingrich on the political scene, but after several attempts at pinning one down (they are extremely slimy and hard to catch), we decided to just tack on the job to Phil’s other duties.”

Asked why they were only interested in how much longer Newt Gingrich would run and not the other three candidates, including the frontrunner, Mitt Romney, Rhodent said this “Don’t know really. Guess someone made the connection between a large rodent and Gingrich. That and the fact that we’d all had a bit too much to drink night before last, and the more we thought about it, we figured ‘why the hell not?’”

Mitt Romney Keeping Several Offshore Wives in the Cayman Islands

Authorities in the Cayman Islands are remaining mum after reports have surfaced this week indicating that in addition to the large sums of money Mitt Romney has stored in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands, he also has a mansion which houses multiple wives.

According to website AskMen, some men don’t need an offshore bank account but admit it is a pretty good pick up line and is something straight out of a James Bond movie. This leads some to wonder if that’s how you get multiple women to marry you.

While keeping multiple wives doesn’t sound at all sexy to most men, it does have a certain appeal when it comes to the question “who is powerful enough to lead a nation?” Obviously, to some men, the more wives the more power.

Romney, a devout Mormon, denies the rumors and reiterates the fact that Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But, he admits he is flattered that anyone would think he could take on more than just one wife at a time. Said Romney, “Let’s just say that if it were legal, I’d have all the wives right here at home,” and then quickly changed the subject by bringing up the fact that some men are the marrying type and some are the divorcing type, referring to his bitter rival, Newt Gingrich.