Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Denies Crush on President Obama

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer says that rumors about her actually having a mad crush on President Obama are patently false.

In a statement she recently gave at the local Chapter of Single Christians with Spouses, Brewer claims that television psychologist Dr. Phil has her all wrong. She was referring to Dr. Phil’s take on why Brewer refused to attend the dinner being given for the nation’s governors on Sunday.

“Well I’ll be hornswaggled,” said Phil to a television reporter hoping to gain some insight into some of Brewer’s bizarre behavior in recent months toward the President. “She [Brewer] is sweet as honey on the suckle for the President,” he said, stopping just short of declaring that Jan Brewer has the hots for the President.

Asked why Phil would make such a statement when clearly Brewer has shown nothing but animosity at each of her meetings with the President.

“I’m no expert,” he said, “wait, oh yea I kinda am."

"Here’s what’s going on. You remember grade school right?” he asked. “Remember the story about Timmy dipping Peggy’s pigtails in the ink well and turns out he was doing it cause he was sweet on Peggy?”

“Well,” said Dr. Phil, “when I saw Governor Brewer in that picture with her face all up in President Obama’s and her finger wagging in his face, that right there was testament to an unrequited desire to take the man right then and there.”

Asked then why Governor Brewer would miss tonight’s opportunity to be in the presence of the President, Dr. Phil answered “Aw shucks, that’s an easy one,” he said. “She likely can’t stand the thought of Barack Obama being with another woman, i.e. his wife, and I think it would drive Ms. Brewer up the proverbial wall to see them together all lovey-dovey.”

Again, Jan Brewer had no comment, other than to call Dr. Phil a big fat liar, liar pants on fire.

Glamour Guns & Ammo Opens High-End Shop on Rodeo Drive

Indicative of the offerings at Glamour Guns & Ammo

Proud gun owner Patricia “Pickles” McQuarty of Lubbock, Texas has just announced the grand opening of her new high-end gun shop on fabulous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, California. Glamour Guns & Ammo will offer some of the finest guns made by manufacturers from around the world, from solid gold pistols to tiny Derringers in designer colors.

“I got the idea one day in my gun shop counting how many “Annies” (a term Pickles uses to refer to her female customers—named after the famous Annie Oakley) were coming into my shop looking for something that would discreetly fit into their handbags while doing the job they were meant to do.”

While women carrying guns in Lubbock isn’t all that unusual, it [Lubbock] isn’t the kind of town you would associate with high society. So, Pickles’ idea of bringing the guns to the ladies instead of vice versa had always been in the back of her head. A big fan of Project Runway and it’s runoff Project Accessory, Pickles got the grand idea of giving the uber rich their own guns and ammo store on Rodeo Drive.

“Look honey, I don’t care if you are going to a live show at the local theatre or having your picture taken on the red carpet, you want to make sure you are fully protected, and if the gun matches the outfit, well, that’s just icing (no pun intended) on the cake,” said Pickles in her sweet Texan drawl.

Pickles claims that most women in the upper echelons of society have always carried guns, but now with the advent of more and more open carry laws taking effect, they want something that, when taken out of their waistband or pocketbooks, doesn’t clash with their outfits.

“The kind of client I’m going after wouldn’t be caught dead using a plain old black revolver on the shooting range. She’s gonna want to wow them with my ‘Perfectly Pink’ target pistol,” says Pickles.

Glamour Gun’s inventory includes a diamond-studded Beretta Nano that is to die for at any cocktail party. It also offers cute little Cobra Derringers in just about any color you can imagine. In fact, says Pickles, if there is a special occasion you have coming up and she doesn’t have a gun for you in just the right color, give her enough time and she’ll have one made for you. 

“It’s kinda like having the shoes dyed to match the dress kinda deal,” says McQuarty.

Asked about the location, Pickles said that’s just about the best thing in the world about her new store. “Rodeo Drive. Honey, just how much more cowgirl can you get?”

Malia and Sasha Buy Dad Tie and Slippers for President’s Day

Today is the day America celebrates its past and present Presidents with a day totally devoted to them. For the Obama kids, it is a time to tell their dad how proud they are of him.

With that in mind, President Obama woke up to what he says is just about the nicest gifts he’s ever gotten from his girls, i.e. a patriotic-patterned tie and a pair of comfy slippers.

“Sure, it’s what I always get on Father’s Day too,” whispered the President out of earshot of his daughters, “but I’m not gonna spoil their day grousing about always getting the same thing. Besides, I took care of my own present without their knowledge.”

Mr. President was, of course, referring to his upcoming trip to Orlando for a fundraiser that he hopes will allow him to rub elbows with some of the biggest names in basketball.

“Look, I love ties and slippers, I really do, and I love the fact that my kids went out and spent their own money to get me these things. But I’d be lying if I said I’m glad there is yet another holiday that enables my kids to go out there and shop for me.”

News of Cheap, Effective Contraceptive has Women Applauding Santorum Supporter

The news out of Michigan this morning is that not all women in America are angry at Santorum financial backer, Foster Friess for stating that a safe and effective form of birth control for women is a simple aspirin placed between the knees.

Women were lined up at pharmacies around the country buying up every aspirin tablet they could get their hands on and pharmacists were inundated with questions such as “Will BC Powder work just as effectively if I sprinkle some between my…uhm, legs?” and “What if all I can find is baby aspirin? Will that work as effectively, and if so, do I need to use three at a time?”

The most asked question of all, however, was “Ok, so if we are squeezing an aspiring between our knees, how exactly can we have sex without the aspirin dropping on the bed?”

“Not all of us think Mr. Friess is an unfeeling clod when it comes to women’s reproductive rights,” said Blossom Tennenbaum, who had been standing in line at her local Walmart Pharmacy for an hour trying to get a raincheck for plain aspirin.

“I can’t speak for all women,” she said, “But for me, this sure beats the hell out of having to remember to take a pill every day.”

In a related story, one major aspirin manufacturer is contemplating changing the name of one of its best-selling products from “Baby Aspirin” to Non-Baby Aspirin,” to cut down on the confusion created by Friess’ suggestion.

Mitt Romney Camp Hires Renowned Chuckle Coach

Mitt Romney has some of the richest conservatives on the earth backing him for President, but they are becoming increasingly worried that he’s losing favoritism in the polls.

Many believe it is just a phase and that in the end, Romney will win out over the other GOP candidates in order to face off against Barack Obama.

However, there is one billionaire backer who is demanding Romney make some changes now in order to keep his (the backer’s) money flowing to Romney’s campaign so he (the backer) can see a payoff come election time. One of those changes is the way Romney chuckles.

“He just sounds so darned insincere,” said the billionaire, wishing to remain anonymous. “In fact it is so pronounced, that I believe if nothing is done, Mitt may continue to lose ground in the primaries."

Tired of groaning every time Romney makes a joke, the billionaire has hired world renowned chuckle coach, William E. ‘Chuckles’ Butt (his real last name) to teach Mitt Romney how to chuckle sincerely at his own jokes.

“Hopefully,” said the billionaire, “the Butt jokes will help so that the next time Mitt pokes fun at the poor or reads something meant to be funny off his teleprompter, his chuckles will come across as if he actually gets the joke himself.”

Gun Sales Spike Dramatically This Valentine’s Day

"Oh man, she's got that new 'Be-My-Valentine'
tucked in her tube top...bitch!"

Thanks to some clever thinking on the part of an employee at one of the largest gun manufacturers in America, gun sales in the states of Georgia, Arkansas and Missouri are up over 400 per cent.

The product responsible for record sales is a pretty little target pistol sporting pink slides. The “Be-My-Valentine” series went on sale in early February and has since sold out several times. The manufacturer claims it is a natural alternative for redneck husbands and boyfriends tired of the standard gift fare at their local bait stores.

“We’ve been working around the clock so that all the fellas who want to give one of these sweet little pistols to their sweethearts can do so on Valentine’s Day,” said Nerf Wartstern, of GunShyMyEye Custom Gun Company in Euville, Arkansas.

In fact, the demand is so heavy for this particular model that Wartstern fears the company may not be able to fill all the orders until the middle of March, “which,” says Wartstern “may end up cutting into our manufacturing time for the ‘Shamrock Glock’ which is a kelly green-colored pistol we offer on St. Patty’s Day.”

President Obama Plans on Plying Republicans with Liquor to Get Budget Passed

President Barack Obama has just put the finishing touches on a 3.8 billion dollar spending plan and nothing would make him happier than to have the full support of the House and Senate. Unfortunately, the Republicans have no intention of allowing him any chance in hell of getting it passed--uh, especially in an election year. Hello, hello, anybody home?

But Obama knows this all too well and that’s why this time around, he’s playing the proverbial ace up his sleeve to get this deal passed. “I’m gonna send them loads of liquor and a note that says there’s plenty more where that came from,” said Obama at a speech in Tennessee. “I’m pretty darned sure that if I get their ringleader Boehner soused, which won’t be difficult at all to do, it’s just a matter of having him go around and do some pourin’,” said a confident Obama.

Obama hatched the unconventional scheme as he began a tour of a famous whiskey distillery. “All of a sudden it hit me. Rednecks love this stuff. You get a redneck drunk and they do all sorts of crazy stuff. Why, from what I hear, the crazy sons a guns even go fishing for giant catfish with their arms stuck way down into holes in the sides of river banks. So what’s stopping them from getting the bag on and passing my budget?”

Obama says he can remember a time when it took more than whiskey to get a deal done in Washington.

“Money wasn’t just being spent on liquor,” he said. “Lots of women were being hired to help get business done in Washington. Why, during the reign of the D.C. Madam, this town passed so many cockeyed bills, it’s taken us till now to unravel the mess.”

But since wife Michelle has issued a strict “no ho’s in Congress rule,’ the President is content with the liquor and has reportedly ordered a thousand cases of Lynchburg’s finest to have delivered to every member of the Republican House and Senate by Wednesday.

“I should have the signed budget back on my desk by Thursday morning, and if I play my cards right, I can get this thing wrapped up by noon, while the fellas are still sleeping it off,” said a beaming Obama.