Rick Santorum Concedes Snooki Pregnancy Good Argument for Contraceptives

I'm glad you thought of the hot tub, Mike. I can't believe
I've gone through all my free condoms already.

Snooki, of Jersey Shore fame, has admitted to being pregnant with her boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, as the father. Shore roommate, Mike “The Situation” is, however, causing quite a stir with news that the baby may be his, sending shockwaves through America, or at least the America that is trying to watch something more sophisticated than the GOP race.

Speaking of which, even GOP hopeful Rick Santorum is weighing in on the matter. While speaking at a rally in Topeka, Kansas today, Santorum had this to say. “Folks, you know I am 100% against anyone having sex and bearing a child out of wedlock. Today I heard the news that Snooki is pregnant and I said to my wife ‘I told you the water in the hot tub wasn’t hot enough to kill sperm.’”

Santorum then went on to say, “Believe me, folks, before I heard this news, I was 1000% percent sure that contraceptives were the handiwork of the devil, but I’m now seriously backing down from that stance.”

“In fact,” he said, “had I known that Snookie and Jianni, or the Situation, or whomever was hooking up on that fateful night in the hot tub, I would have personally gone out and purchased a pack of Trojans and delivered them myself to Seaside Heights, so that this act wouldn’t have resulted in an illegitimate child coming into the world bearing a name like ‘ShortnTan.’”

When asked for comment on Rick Santorum’s remarks regarding her pregnancy, Snooki replied “Who the hell is Rick Santorum? Is he that Sicilian who tried to hook up wit’ me at the Beachcomber last summer?”

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners

The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners and are taking steps as we speak to ask God for an early release of their inheritance.

“Most of us are dead anyway at this point,” claims Elizabeth Moussey, spokesperson for the Muskegon, Michigan Meek Society. “I say that because it is a well-known fact that the Lord always calls the best ones home early to help him out in heaven,” she said with a sweet, kind voice.

Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and just a general degradation of kindness and evildoing in all mankind, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.

“Oh, we could continue to lay down like lambs,” said Moussey, “but honestly we’ve been doing that for what seems eternity, and it doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere at all.”

Therefore, a mandate has been issued that all troublemakers, including many members of the GOP and the clergy, especially the ones who pass themselves off as good Christians, will be asked to exit the Earth by any means possible before the year 2013.

“Being meek and all,” said Moussey, we don’t want anyone to suffer needlessly trying to find a safe way to get off our property, but we do have to set limits now don’t we,” she said in the kindest way possible.

“While we have not yet figured out how they will be evicted, we are trusting in the Lord to take care of that part. Euthanasia may be one way, rocket launchers into space may be another. “But if they’re looking for a rapture-like experience,” said Moussey, “let me assure them, it just is not going to happen. Our empathy has worn way too thin for that to happen now.”

At any rate, we promise to do our best to make their transition as smooth as possible, regardless of how we are treated in the interim,” said Moussey.

The Meek are certain of one thing, the Sinners will eventually be gone, and Earth will finally be theirs to live a peaceful and quiet existence for eternity or, God forbid, until another tribe of evildoers find their way to Earth.

Moussey ended by declaring that all Meeks apologize profusely for having to take this stand but after being promised there were better days ahead only to find that people are now literally acting like savages again, they just have no choice but to do God’s will and take over the earth a little earlier than expected.

“And oh,” she said, “take your money with you. After all, that’s basically what’s gotten you into trouble in the first place.”

*Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth

  Psalms 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

Roy Blunt Talks Hoes Not Women on International Women’s Day

Sen. Roy Blunt (R-Mo) chose International Women’s Day to talk about hoes. Here’s how he chose to honor March 8, 2012 on Twitter:

Today is Natl Agriculture Day. Hope you'll join me to recognize the vital benefits agriculture plays in our everyday lives.

Hey, Mr. Blunt, today also happens to be National Panic Day. 

I’d like to invite everyone to celebrate by taking a moment to  freak out about just how scary the Republican Party has become.

Glenn Beck Comes to the Aid of Rush Limbaugh

You Can't Spew Hatred Without
Awesome Props!

Former Fox News Channel host Glenn Beck knows what it is to fall like a boulder from grace for simply uttering his personal opinions about someone. Getting canned from a gravy job with Fox News Channel was just the beginning of a decline in popularity that Beck couldn’t have imagined happening a year ago.

He went from top earner at Fox to having to start his own broadcasting company in order to continue to spew his hated across the nation and still hasn’t fully recovered from the fallout. Fortunately, he learned a thing or two along the way, and he is willing to share his experience with Rush Limbaugh in his time of need.

While the two haven’t always seen eye to eye and have, in fact, been rivals in the harshest sense, Limbaugh is said to be willing to humble himself in order to keep the money flowing to his bank account.

“I never in a million years thought I’d be accepting help from that has been Glenn Beck, but under the circumstances, if I want to keep my mansion in West Palm Beach, I’m gonna have to make a few concessions,” said Limbaugh, “none of which is to admit I did anything wrong, I might add,” he added.

Beck’s experience as a pseudo rodeo clown is going to come in handy as Beck has offered to take Limbaugh’s place for a few weeks until this latest controversy blows over.

“Glad to do it,” said Beck, who said he was ready today to fill the dead airspace left by a broken Rush Limbaugh. “Just let me get my lederhosen on and we’ll be good to go.”

Reminded that Limbaugh is a radio host, not a television personality, and therefore it didn’t much matter what Beck wore, Beck didn’t miss a beat.

“That’s ok,” he said. “I wear my lederhosen everywhere.”

Chris Hansen Becomes Possessed During Taping of Hansen Files: Exorcisms Real or Hoax?

Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen over there?

It has just been reported that Chris Hansen, the man behind the news show Hansen Files seen Friday evenings on Dateline NBC is, most likely, possessed by the devil, who priests say entered his body during the taping of an upcoming expose on exorcisms.

“Something went horribly wrong,” claims Father Francois Dubois, a Catholic priest who claims he has presided over more than a hundred exorcisms in his lifetime. Fr. Dubois was visiting Hansen at an undisclosed location in order to conduct an exorcism on the news anchor as soon as possible.

Fr. Dubois claims that earlier this week he was heading up an exorcism at the home of a West Virginia mother who claims her daughter was possessed. Little did he know that the man standing beside him pretending to be a fellow priest was none other than expose extraordinare, Chris Hansen, who had been secretly filming the entire exorcism.

An aide to Hansen claims that Hansen had always been skeptical of demonic possessions and had wanted to do an expose on the practice of exorcisms for quite some time. He (Hansen) had caught wind of the exorcism being done in Charleston, West Virginia and decided to go out there and do some undercover investigating.

“Unfortunately, Mr. Hansen found out the hard way that demonic possession is nothing to dismiss lightly,” said the elderly priest, who assured us that Mr. Hansen’s will be an easy exorcism.

Asked how he knew, Fr. Dubois said “Oh hell, devil’s already been inside that fellow a few times and just can’t seem to stomach it in there for too long. I’m just gonna help the damned process along this time so I can see Hanson’s face when he realizes he’s been the victim of one of his own undercover operations.”

Ed. Note: After witnessing Father Dubois’ propensity toward cursing, a separate investigation was launched into the elderly priest’s credentials. So far, the results are inconclusive.

Acme Limburger Cheese Company Pulls Advertising on Rush Limbaugh Show

“If anyone knows stinky, it is the Acme Limburger Cheese Company,” said Hugh Steenck, Vice President in charge of marketing. “As of today, this company will no longer pay to advertise on the Rush Limbaugh Show,”  announced the VP on the Sunday edition of MSNBC News.”

Steenck claims it was a nice run while it lasted. “It was getting to the point that when people thought Limburger, they automatically associated it with Mr. Limbaugh due to the similarities in the words. However,” he continued, “while we appreciate the fact that both words still conjure up an unpleasant smell, our cheese is meant to do so without harm to anyone.”

The Acme Limburger Cheese Company follows a growing list of companies that have decided to pull ads due to Limburger….errr, Limbaugh recently calling college student Sandra Fluke a slut for seeking free contraceptives.

As a side note, a description found for limburger cheese claims it is popular for its particularly pungent smell, not unlike a strong body odor. Kudos to the company for foregoing the huge profits it must have been making by advertising on the Rush Limbaugh Show. 

Rush Limbaugh’s Head May be Stuck up His Ass Permanently

Rush Limbaugh was trying to find a hole in the ground when he accidentally stuck his head up his ass. He was rushed to Good Samaritan Medical Center in West Palm Beach where doctors were working to dislodge said head from said ass.

At last report, several doctors were in the lounge drinking coffee and pondering their next move.

“We’ve already tried pulling it out forcefully,” said one doctor, “but he won’t shut, up and his mouth is preventing us from pulling it straight out.”

“Yeah,” said another doctor. “It’s not like there isn’t enough grease down there to allow the head to move about freely; it’s his mouth that is causing some serious suction that we can’t seem to break.”

“I sure hope we come up with a solution soon,” said one doctor on his third cup of coffee. “Although I have to admit, it’s pretty funny when Rush keeps yelling at us to pull his own head out of his ass for a change,” he chuckled as he ordered a late-night snack.