Thursdays Under the Magnolia Tree

Washington, DC – President Obama announced today that the small meeting held Thursday between himself, Joe Biden, Professor Gates and Officer Crowley to share a beer and lay to rest any misunderstandings that may have arose due to Obama’s poor choice of words about the incident involving Gates’ arrest by Crowley was highly successful.

Riding on the crest of that success, Obama has decided to designate a portion of his late Thursday afternoon time schedule to hosting like summits in an effort to solve disputes in a more informal, civilized way. Next Thursday he has had his staff “pencil in” Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas to join him under the magnolia tree for another round of peace talks over a cold one. Said Obama, “No one enjoys beer as much as I do and hey, if we can get a peace deal out of it as well, then it’s icing on the cake.”

It is rumored that before the summer is out, he intends to have Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann over to try and help them bury the proverbial media hatchet. Folks close to Obama say he fancies himself a political Dr. Phil, whose main goal is for everyone to just get along.

Palin Re-Joins Alaska Independence Party

Wants to Be PM of Canada

Wasilla, AK - Former Gov. Sarah Palin has reportedly re-joined the Alaska Independence Party as party leader saying “I’ve had enough of those there ungrateful Americans. God willin’ with me as leader of the AIP, we’re not only gonna secede from the US, but we’re gonna make a bid to become a Canadian territory, hopefully in time for me to run for Prime Minister in the upcoming elections.”

After learning that Prime Ministers in Canada are appointed by the Governor General on behalf of the Queen of England, and not elected, Palin changed her strategy, saying “Never mind, then. Alaska will secede from the United States and form an Independent Nation and I will be Queen of Alaskaland.”

Glenn Beck and the Birthers-New Album Released

Branson, MO – Many people may not know that Glenn Beck fancies himself a singer. Some who’ve heard him say “you either like him or you don’t, there’s no middle ground.” His voice is sometimes likened to a high-pitched whine, while simultaneously coming down into a deep growl, and together with his back-up singers, creates quite a unique sound.

The Birthers are Philip “Flip” Berg on slide guitar and back up vocals, Alan “Flop” Keyes on Bass, Orly Taitz, lead female vocal, and G. Gordon Liddy, synthesizer and back up vocals. Together, the group puts out a sound that has resonated throughout the south, and coupled with lyrics such as “A cross and some stars, still makes this country ours,” and “How much you wanna bet, US don’t appear on his birth certificate,” they get the message out loud and clear that a divided America is just how they like it.

Their hit single, “I’m Teabaggin’ All the Way to Washington” made it onto the country music charts the first week it was released. And Orly Taitz’ smoky rendition of “White Robe, White Slippers, White House,” is quickly becoming the Birthers’ most requested song.

Cash for Concubines

Washington, DC – The Obama Administration has just announced yet another way to spend millions of our tax dollars on programs that will surely invite the most corrupt to take advantage. One such program, “Cash for Concubines” is aimed at aiding lying cheating husbands, especially those in Washington’s own back yard, to get rid of their old mistresses and trade them in for new models. “Some of these guys have, uh, well, they’ve really, uh, got it hard,” Obama said. “Here they are, wanting to keep the stability of a home life, uh, but also, wanting a little on the side. But it gets harder for them as their mistresses begin to approach the age of their wives. I felt like I had to help a brother out, so to speak,” he added.

Men can now apply for a voucher in the amount of $100,000 to offer to their old mistresses, as well as a free coupon for hair plugs, if needed, to improve their appearance, making it a little easier to court the young women waiting in line for their 15 minutes. The voucher and coupon program helps everyone through a very difficult transition period.

Although the program has already caught heat from a few wives, the general consensus in the male community is “we’re going to do it whether there’s a voucher program or not. This just makes it easier on everyone, so quit your bitchin’ and get back in the kitchen.”

Paula Abdul's Wedding Dance Factory

Minneapolis, MN – Those worried about the future of Paula Abdul after being snubbed by American Idol, needn’t be. After seeing the incredible web success of Jill Peterson and Kevin Heinz’ wedding (see youtube link at end of article), where the entire wedding party is shown boogying down the aisle to Chris Brown’s “Forever,” she’s started a brand new business--Paula Abdul’s Wedding Dance Factory.

For a few thousand dollars, you can have one of Paula’s protégés choreograph your dream “dance down the aisle” to be videotaped and saved for lasting memories. Paula has opened offices in all the major wedding locales, including Hawaii, Las Vegas and Minneapolis, where the whole craze started.

Among the dance packages offered will be “Moonwalk Beneath the Stars” featuring dance moves from all of Michael Jackson’s greatest hits; “A Guys and Dolls Extravaganza”, featuring Broadway-esque banter and songs; and “Latino Lovers” where the wedding party will tango down the aisles of love.

Those wanting to hire Abdul to personally choreograph their weddings will pay a premium. Abdul has been booked through the year 2015 and stands to make hundreds of millions of dollars in her new endeavor, eclipsing the paltry salary earned while a judge on American Idol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZWN6vloQCw

Chocolate Doomsday Cult Calls it Quits

Phoenix, AZ - It was announced today that the doomsday cult calling itself Death by Chocolate has called it quits due to the fact that their original mission to eat themselves to death with chocolate has not quite gone as planned.

Cult leader, the Divine Dove, stated that things were great up until around June when the heat hit and our refrigeration system went out. “We drank what we could of the melted chocolate, but it just wasn’t the same,” he said. “Since the cult only brings in enough money to buy chocolate and nothing else, there was no money to repair the refrigerator, and we lost everything.”

Detractors, however, paint a different picture. The real reason the cult was disbanding is because money has become scarce and their leaders were forced to buy inferior chocolate made with artificial ingredients. Without real cocoa in their diets, the libidos of the members returned to normal and no one felt like having sex anymore. Said one former cult member, “what’s the fun of being in a doomsday cult if you can’t have sex or eat chocolate every day?”

Wienermobile Not Welcome in Waikiki

Honolulu, HI – The Wiener the World Awaited got sent packing by an environmental group in Hawaii claiming that its cuteness was insidious. Cute wienermobiles are dangerously deceptive and can cause one to purchase inferior frankfurters, or so they say.

Oscar Mayer has threatened to sue for discrimination; however, it was pointed out that just last month, the same group gave marching orders to the equally popular Pu-Pu Plattermobile (see photo) for much the same reason. “Advertising pu-pu platters in such a public way, denigrates the elegance of the plate,” said the group’s spokesperson.

Oscar Mayer is taking the wienermobile back stateside “where,” said a company spokesperson, “everyone wants to be an Oscar Mayer wiener.” Everyone, that is, except Hawaiians.