Sleep Number Sidewalks for Homeless among Republican Earmark Requests

Currently in the Senate there is somewhat of a catch 22 occurring. While before the recent elections and before the tax deal was struck with President Obama, the Republicans saw nothing wrong with continuing their practice of asking for as many earmarks for their constituents as they could get.

After the elections, however, and their promise to limit earmarks, an interesting thing occurred. The bill that would ultimately extend the Bush administration tax cuts still has a lot of pork attached to it, and some of that pork is indicative of just how far removed some Republican senators are from mainstream American and it’s problems, while still appearing to have some heart.

For instance, Senator Joe Bellowme from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is beside himself with worry about the homeless people who are finding it hard to find shelter in what is quickly becoming one of the coldest winters in a long time. He has asked for $35 million dollars to retrofit the downtown sidewalks with controls which would allow the bums to choose the hardness of the pavement for their comfort. Using the same technology as a Sleep Number Bed, homeless can settle into a little nook on the sidewalk, adjust the convenient dials that will be installed along the sidewalks, and then choose to soften or increase the hardness of their make-shift beds.

“It is the right thing to do,” claims Bellowme. “We don’t have the money right now to fund more beds for the shelters, so we need to find ways to make the outdoors more comfortable for our comrades who don’t have a regular home due to any number of circumstances. We just wish there were more money so that we could also appropriate a bit for some warm blankets and pillows to accompany the sleep number sidewalks.”

While this earmark may, on its face, seem like a ridiculous way to spend millions of dollars, other earmarks are more in line with how most Republicans believe tax dollars should be spent. For instance, the request for $80 million by Sen. Billy Bob Howdy of Wyoming for bull semen storage containers made of titanium (titanium is one of the toughest metals and therefore will keep the semen fresh much longer) is, according to Howdy, a necessary evil. However, when pressed to further explain the request for such a large amount of money, Howdy simply told reporters he didn’t need to explain himself. “This is bull,” he said, “no pun intended” and walked away.

Tax Cuts Will Allow Average Americans to Own Luxury Vehicles

Car makers across the board are reporting hikes in recent sales, with higher-end models doing their fair share of business as well. So it is no surprise that with the news that the Bush tax cuts will most likely be extended, corporate head honchos are placing their orders for luxury new vehicles for themselves and family members.

Lest we think the tax cuts will only benefit Ritchie Rich, however, let’s try and understand how the purchase of new luxury vehicles will benefit the rest of Americans. A lesson in trickle-down is in order.

Since everyone is going to get a tax break come 2011, Joe Average, who is hoping to get his job back at Howdy-Do Burgers, will soon be in the market for a used vehicle. Mr. Rich just happens to finally be able to trade in his 20-year old second car, a Mercedes, (which has only a few minor mechanical problems) for a 2012 model. As luck would have it, both Mr. Rich and Mr. Average are visiting the same Mercedes-Benz dealership on the same day. Mr. Average, of course, not seriously looking and more in a dream-like state, but Mr. Rich there to wheel and deal. At the end of the day, Mr. Rich is in a new model and well, Mr. Average is putt-putting his way home in his dream car.

The trickle-down economics theory doesn’t have to be that complicated. The extension of the tax breaks will get America back on its feet and ultimately, it is the neighborhood car mechanic who is really going to make out in the upcoming economic boom. 

Now where did he put that 2012 Mercedes-Benz catalogue? 

Laughs Harder to Come By with Passing of Actor Leslie Nielsen

Comedic Canadian actor Leslie Nielsen passed away late Sunday afternoon due to complications from pneumonia. He was 84.

This was a man who made comedy acting look effortless. His pratfalls appeared equally effortless. Perhaps they were, as they were most likely performed by stunt doubles. But the point is, Leslie Nielsen made us all laugh with his very own unique sense of humor. Not just the ha ha kind of “oh isn’t that funny?” kind of humor, but the really deep down “Holy crap I think I just peed myself” humor.

In fact, once word reached the world of Nielsen’s passing, it is supposed that there were hundreds of thousands of fans who went directly to YouTube searching for clips of his most famous lines just to self-inflict the pain that comes from laughing too hard for too long. All gluttons for punishment in a very good way, but sadly, in a very sad way because, as it was said before, Nielsen has passed.

At any point, if you are at all a fan of laughing, you will most likely want to pay tribute to one of the funniest actors to have graced the big screen. Surely, he’ll be missed. Just don’t call him Shirley.

War between Barbara Bush and Sarah Palin Heats Up

It is becoming increasingly clear that the established Republicans don’t have much love for Ms. Sarah Palin. And it is also becoming crystal clear that Sarah Palin couldn’t give a rat’s ass if they do or not. In fact, she is going out of her way, it seems, to get them good and riled up.

Just recently, Barbara Bush commented to Larry King that Sarah Palin loves Alaska and then added that she should stay there. Upon hearing this, Palin chose to fight back against what she perceives as ‘blue bloods against the red bloods turning the whole right into a purple haze.’

Not one to back down, Barbara Bush, being interviewed in a follow up by Katie Couric, retaliated with “You can tell that uppity Miss Sarah that she’s nothing but an Alaskan Hussie,” as she showed off that characteristic smug smile the Bush family is so famous for.

The most recent barb (no pun intended) by Palin against the elderly Mrs. Bush came on the Fox News show when Sarah referred to the ex-first lady as a dried up old prune and intimated that there must be some kind of Alzheimer’s event going on in the Bush household for Barbara not to remember that it was her husband’s political machine that threw her (Palin) into the national spotlight in the first place. “They’re all just a bunch of Indian givers,” claims Palin.

From the looks of it, this fight is far from over. While Palin has the youth and stamina to go the distance with Granny Bush, Barb is no slouch. In fact, rumors are flying that Barbara Bush has recently hired a private fitness coach who just happens to write top ten lists for the David Letterman Show. As they say in the Olympics, ‘let the games begin.

Black Friday Specials to Include Cheap Grocery Items

Women, Infants and Children (WIC) take heart. This year, Black Friday specials offered by stores such as Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, Sam’s Club and others aren’t all about the X-Box. They are all about survival. Instead of offering Wii’s for less than $100 and gaming equipment for a third of its original cost, these stores are offering milk at half price, cheese below the manufacturer’s cost, and cereal for next to nothing.

Gone are the days of the $200 laptop computer and Call of Duty Black Ops being offered for less than $30. The majority of Americans are out of work and now, since their unemployment benefits have expired, are left with little to spend on expensive electronics. The big retailers know this and know that the most popular gift item this season is the gift of life. Hunger is going to be a big problem, but not if most heads of household shop during one of the many Black Friday events taking place between now and Christmas.

While the term “Black Friday” has taken on almost a literal meaning, it doesn’t have to be as bleak as everyone is making it out to be. Those who simply can’t afford gifts can still use their saved up food stamps to buy some darn good Christmas gifts for their families.

So what if your teenage daughter doesn’t get the i-Phone 4 she’s been jonesing for. She will be pleased as punch to get a box of macaroni and cheese and a tin of tuna after having gone a day or two without dinner. And for your son, who just this once wanted a brand new football so he could play catch with his dad, he’ll understand when instead, he gets a 12-pack of Ramen noodles and a half-gallon of milk. Heck, the specials are so special this year, you may even be able to afford to give him chocolate milk for an extra special treat.

Yes, Black Friday used to be about running up high credit card balances and giving your kids what they want. Now, since all credit has virtually dried up and the banks are either closed or hanging out their Scrooge shingles, you can still give your kids a Christmas to remember--the gift of survival, thanks to all those caring retailers out there who understand just exactly what are the hottest selling items on the market this season.

Irish in Feverish Hunt for Leprechauns to Save Economy

DUBLIN, Ireland - In the wake of some of the worst economic news to hit Ireland for decades, record numbers of Irish people are laying traps hoping to catch the elusive leprechauns and make them hand over the gold in their possession. Some claim that the stores of gold held captive by the country’s leprechauns is enough to not only bring Ireland out of the financial mess but to make it the richest country in the world.

Bounties have been placed on the heads of leprechauns as countrymen keep their eyes trained on the skies for any sign of a rainbow. Weather forecasters claim the time for rainbows has pretty much gone the way of the winter weather, but that hasn’t stopped most from hoping for one or two more late fall thunderstorms.

Many wonder why the thought of putting out traps and bounties for leprechauns wasn’t a part of the country’s economic plan before things got so dire. Folklorists claim that only the most desperate man will actually try and catch a leprechaun due to the fact that the little fellas are notorious for the mean-spirited jokes they play on anyone who comes close enough to them. But these are unusually rough economic times and desperate times call for desperate measures.

In addition to placing bounties on the heads of leprechauns, many Irish farmers are planning on planting an over-abundance of clover this coming spring in hopes of upping the chances of finding enough four-leaf clovers to turn the luck of the Irish around. “It’s all we got so far, said Brian Lenihan, Irish Finance Minister. “We never thought we’d have to go to the lengths of having money thrown at us by other countries so we never really had a back-up plan. But anything’s better than being beholden to the Germans.”

He continued, “We’re pretty sure the leprechauns, when they see how desperate we are, will bring their pots of gold to us. At least, that’s what any loyal countryman would do, be he 6 ft. tall or the size of a large mushroom.”

Brazil to Place 42-foot Mitre Atop Christ the Redeemer Statue

News of the new Christ the King statue being erected in Swiebodzin, Poland that will be the tallest Christ statue in the world has Brazilians a bit ticked off. Brazil’s Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro has been regarded as one of the two tallest and most spectacular Christ statues in the world until now (Cristo de la Concordia statue in Bolivia is a tad taller). In fact, Christ the Redeemer is listed as one of the New Seven Wonders of the World.

What to do? What to do? Brazil legislators as well as Catholic Church leaders have been meeting and have decided that the only way to save Brazil’s statue from being removed from the Seven Wonders List is to modify the Christ the Redeemer statue to make it taller than the one built in Poland. While a crown of thorns had been considered as the most acceptable form of headwear for the statue, making it 40 feet high would make it seem disproportionately large when compared to the rest of the body.

The solution is to place a 42-foot tall gold-plated Mitre (pope’s hat) atop the statue. Said one church leader “If the Polish people can place a gold crown atop the good Lord’s head, then why not a gold mitre?” In a country that is approximately 75% Catholic, it makes perfect sense.

Just as the statue itself was primarily paid for by donations from churchgoers, the legislators are asking again for help in paying for the golden Mitre which is expected to cost upwards of $R65 million reais (roughly $38 million U.S. dollars and change). Casting of the crown is expected to begin in early December.

Upon hearing of the changes Brazil is making to their statue, town leaders in Swiebodzin are said to already be planning yet other changes to the Christ the King statue by possibly adding a halo above the crown, which would effectively make the statue another 30 feet taller. Said one Polish leader, “All we can say to our Brazilian brethren is ‘bring it on.’ We are prepared to build onto our statue until it reaches all the way to the heavens if necessary to hold onto the ‘tallest Christ statue in the world’ title.”