Letters to the Editor: Sun Valley Acres Trailer Park Weekly Newsletter

Dear Mildred,

Your column last week entitled Obituaries was a tad too long for my tastes. In fact, a couple of us were discussing it and it seemed as if it took up a good half of the newsletter. In the future, we’d appreciate it if you could keep the obituaries down to one or two. Also, it seemed a bit depressing. Perhaps you could throw in a joke or two to lighten the mood in the next issue.

Kindest regards,

Harold Dingley, Row 2, Lot 8, Parkington Circle

Dear Mildred,

Could you please post the names and telephone numbers of all the eligible men who reside in this trailer park? I’m not getting any younger and it’s hard to get out there in my walker and make friends. It would be much easier for me if I knew exactly which trailers to hang out in front of in hopes of striking up a conversation. Of course, all I really have to do is follow that tramp Gertie Halloway around. She can smell a widower a mile away.

Yours in Christ,

Ida Mae MacNabb

Dear Mildred,

I told you I would kill you if you put that picture in the newsletter of me climbing through my dining room window after accidentally locking myself out last month. ha ha. Although I must admit, now that I see myself in print, I don’t look half bad in that leopard-print thong. ha ha. And now Ernest Greebly, the widower from across the street has the hots for me. So, it’s all good, girlfriend. LOL. By the way, my 79^th birthday is on Saturday, and I’d like to reserve the party house from 7 to 9 p.m. Let me know if that’s kosher.

Ciao,

Peaches DiNali

Dear Mildred,

Can you do something about that creepy Harry Leechman who lives over on Sun Valley Lane? He keeps showing up at the pool in that ratty orange bathing suit that is so old the elastic is worn out around the legs and just droops down (the suit). It’s getting so we can’t do our morning aquarobics without Harry’s balls staring us in the face.

Grossed Out Granny on Governor’s Place

P.S. Sorry to leave you with those visuals.

Newt Gingrich Challenges Michele Bachmann to Mud Wrestling Match

Just hours after Michele Bachmann told a supporter that the media would love to see a mud wrestling match between her and Sarah Palin, Bachmann’s phone began ringing off the hook.

But it wasn’t supporters congratulating her on her hard stand telling liberals they weren’t gonna get their wish. Surprisingly, it was Newt Gingrich calling to see if there were a chance Michele would wrestle him instead.

Insiders claim that as soon as Gingrich saw news reports of Bachmann telling folks she wasn’t going to mud wrestle Sarah Palin, he was visibly upset. But, they say, the more he thought about it, the more he realized this might be a golden opportunity for him to get into that act.

“Newt’s always said that the thing he loves best about politics is the fact that you can get down and dirty with your opponents,” said Ham String, Newt’s closest adviser. “I could see the light bulb going off over Newt’s head when he realized that there was a possibility of a mud wrestling match between himself and Michele Bachmann.”

Of course, Bachmann’s camp claims not only is Michele not considering a mud wrestling match with any of her opponents, but in regards to Newt Gingrich in particular, she already has a plan in place to get a restraining order against him should he show up at her home with bags of dirt, a hose and a diamond tennis bracelet.

Theoretical Physicist Fails to Impress America's Got Talent Judges with Wormhole Act

Editor's Note: Since America's Got Talent is currently airing a new season, thought I'd reprise this gem I wrote during last season's auditions. Wouldn't you just love to see this act in Vegas?


Things got a little strange Wednesday night in Chicago when a one-man act by the name of Arcus Temporis came on stage armed only with a chalkboard and a piece of chalk and an eraser.

“What is your name?” asked Piers Morgan of this wild-eyed man. In a Swedish accent, the man gave his name, “I am Arcus Temporis and I am 87 years olt,” he said as he took in the huge crowd he stood before.

“And what are you here to do for us tonight, Arcus?” said Piers.

“I vill attempt to proof da exeestence of vormholes by formulating da equation hopefully vidin da 90 seconts dat eest allowed me,” replied the strange little man in a heavy Swedish accent.

Piers replied, “off you go then.”

The little physicist walked up to the blackboard which had the words “Wormhole Theory” written at the top. He began writing his equation with the fury of a madman, thinking, then erasing, then thinking, then erasing, then writing, scribbling furiously to beat the 90-second clock. When time was up and he continued to write, Piers was the first one to buzz the contestant. The other judges buzzed him as well.

“Sorry, Einstein,” Piers quipped, “time’s up.”

Next it was Howie Mandel’s turn to comment, “You seen one wormhole act, you’ve seen them all,” he said as the audience booed.

Sharon Osborne was a little kinder, “I’m sorry Mr. Temporis, but this particular act just wouldn’t cut it in Vegas, but you are such a sweet man, thank you for trying out.”

With that, the contestant known as Arcus Temporis put down his chalk, walked over to the middle of the stage, appeared to be pantomiming unzipping a curtain and walked through the imaginary opening, disappearing completely from the stage.

Republican Governors Not Abducted by Aliens after All

It was a scary 72 hours this weekend when Republican governors Rick Perry of Texas and Bob McDonnell of Virginia suddenly went missing. Both were reported missing by their staff but were told by police that nothing could be done unless they were reported missing by immediate family members.

Conspiracy theorists caught wind of the missing persons reports and immediately began rumors that the governors were abducted by aliens and/or raptured by God. “It was the craziest 72 hours of our lives, but eventually Mr. Perry showed back up on Tuesday morning bright and early, ready to work” said Perry’s top aide Dusty Trail, who turned his face upward toward the heavens and exclaimed “Thank you, Jesus,” a tear trickling down his cheek.

Asked if Perry was acting peculiar upon his reappearance, Trail said he didn’t notice anything way out of the ordinary except for wads of cash sticking out of the pockets of Perry’s new expensive suit. “All I know is, Mr. Perry left the office on Friday in a regular off-the-rack suit from Men’s Warehouse and when he came back Tuesday, he was wearing Armani and throwing twenties at the staff. He was flush with cash.

An almost similar incident played out in Virginia when Bob McDonnell arrived on time Tuesday morning to put in a full day’s work at the governor’s mansion.

The mystery was eventually solved when both governors got back to their offices and started unpacking their swag bags filled with expensive promotional items such as pen sets, coasters, stress relievers, and koozies emblazoned with the name “Koch Industries.”

To the relief of staff members and family, neither Perry nor McDonnell were actually abducted by aliens but, in fact, had secretly attended a lavish Koch Summit in Colorado to meet with some of the wealthiest conservative donors in America.

While, the men’s families were happy to see their loved ones home safe and sound, several of Perry’s family members were a bit disappointed that he’d not been raptured. “There’s no man in Texas more deserving of rapture than Rick Perry,” said his wife.

The Peninsula Newt is Silent

Every time I hear the name Newt, as in Newt Gingrich, it reminds me of a funny story about a nature center my husband and I once visited in Myakka, Florida.

Myakka River State Park, one of Florida’s oldest and largest state parks, was only about a 20 minute drive from our home and we went there often, but only once did we actually stop by the nature center to take a look around.

Inside the center were displays of the local flora and fauna, but the real draw of this nature center was an interactive display that showed pictures of various creatures native to the area. Each one had a button that you could press to hear the sound that animal makes. We were having fun pressing the various buttons.

I don’t remember all the sounds, but we listened to various frogs, birds and, of course, the call of the alligator. One button in particular, though, sent us both off into gales of laughter, and we must have pushed it ten or more times, each time laughing harder at the response than the time before.

It was the Peninsula Newt button. As with the other buttons we pressed, we fully expected to hear some kind of tiny little chirp or throaty sound. However, instead of making an animal noise, we were treated to a human voice telling us in a very condescending tone…”The Peninsula Newt is Silent,” accentuating heavily on the Newt.

For days after that visit to the Nature Center, one of us would repeat “the Peninsula Newt is Silent,” and get us going all over again. Throughout the years, that simple statement has made us laugh every time one of us says it.

And then along comes a politician whose first name is Newt. While the name does conjure up a very pleasant memory for me, I can’t help but think these days how great it would be if the Newt Gingrich were silent as well.

Palin Getting Passed Around Like ‘Moonshine at a Hoedown’

Fur started to fly Monday afternoon just hours after Michele Bachmann publicly announced that Sarah Palin would be her top choice for VP in the 2012 presidential elections. This announcement came on the heels of her expected announcement to officially seek the GOP nomination for President in 2012.

When a reporter asked her, “Do you have any clue whom you might want to run alongside you if you do get the GOP nod?” Bachmann didn’t hesitate.

“Oh, that’s an easy one,” she said smiling. “I want Sarah Palin to be my Vice President.” When asked why, Bachmann answered “Well, for one thing, she’s experienced in that area, you know, been there, done that, not to mention the fact that she looks incredible in that red leather jacket.”

Asked if Bachmann thought Palin was better prepared to be VP this time around, she replied, “Don’t really care. If you remember back in 2008, it didn’t matter much when she was running with John [McCain], so I’m not really worried. I think I can carry the ticket for the both of us.”

News spread fast and just a half hour later, Sarah Palin appeared at her own press conference in Iowa with some choice words for Bachmann. “Michele Bachmann is out of her freakin’ mind,” adding, “Well, not totally out of her mind, I guess. She did choose me. But thanks, no thanks Michele. I got better things to do with my time.”

Word travels fast, and almost as soon as she announced her choice for VP, Bachmann recanted her offer. “What an ungrateful b-word. I made a mistake. Palin is so off my presidential ticket.”

Meanwhile, 4 out of the 7 GOP hopefuls have already sent letters to Palin asking if she would consider running as their vice president. Tim Pawlenty allegedly told Bachmann, “Look Michele, if you don’t want her, I’ll take her.”

All this back and forth adds to the rumors that Palin is being passed around between serious Republican candidates like moonshine at a hoe down. This leads to even more rumors that this time around, no one is taking Sarah Palin seriously as a presidential candidate, including Palin herself as she's been quoted more than once saying “I’ve got better things to do with my time.”

Pat Robertson Blasts Glenn Beck for Starting Gay Web Network

Well-known Christian Conservative, Pat Robertson is fuming over the fact that one of his favorite ‘pot stirrers’ has moved over to the dark side.

In a radio interview Friday, Robertson blasted Glenn Beck for eschewing his fanatical belief system and starting up a gay black web internet TV network.

“GBTV is everything the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) is not,” said a visibly upset Robertson in explaining his ire with Beck. Choosing a name to brand yourself with is one of the most important parts of being able to sway millions of people to your side,” he added.

Not one to mince words, Robertson told  Beck, “Had you simply put a “C” for Christian somewhere in your web television name, perhaps no one would be confused, but GBTV? Do you know how many homosexuals are going to be viewing your channel to see what Glenn Beck has to offer?”

When Robertson was corrected and told that GBTV does not stand for Gay Black Television, it did little to assuage his concerns. “Well, it’s a sad day when you have to bring the gay blacks into your business at all,” answered Robertson.

Following the exchange on Friday, Glenn Beck reportedly called an emergency meeting with his lawyers to see if he could have the initials “G” and “B” officially trademarked to stand for Glenn Beck exclusively, but there has been no word on the outcome of that meeting.

What was expected to be smooth sailing ahead for Beck is turning out to be a conservative Christian Mormon’s worst nightmare.