Seniors Have Themselves to Blame for Fight over Nation’s Budget Crisis

Middle America may not like it, but they are getting what they deserve, i.e. a generation of “me first” politicians who could care less whether or not grandma makes it on less than a thousand dollars a month.  

Those “What were you thinking” ads aimed at the politicians who want to take away Medicare and Social Security benefits are laughable to the youngsters who are now in charge.

Talk about entitlements. The Tea Party rug rats who have made their way into Congress as elected officials know all about entitlements. They were raised on them. The “don’t tell me what to do” crowd is now in charge and this is their take on the “What were you thinking” ads:

Hey grandpa, what were you thinking when you were chowing down on a breakfast that consisted of eggs and bacon every single morning?

And grandma, what were you thinking making pot roast, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and a nice big slice of apple pie for dessert every Sunday after church?

Hey dad, your liver ain’t so happy now after those 3 martini lunches, eh?

Oh, and mom, is it my fault you gave in to my every whim? You are the one who taught me that if I bug you enough, you’ll eventually give in because, after all, I was driving you up a frikkin’ wall.

We raised a generation who doesn’t want to pay for grandpa’s gout, grandma’s heart surgery, or mom’s anxiety medicine because, let’s face it, they brought it on themselves, didn’t they?

Our only salvation in all this mess is the fact that China and Japan are the major holders of our debt and it just so happens that they don’t think like the Westerners. They actually revere the elderly. So go ahead, kids, default on that international debt.  It might not be such a bad deal for the nation’s elderly in the long run. 

Kate Gosselin Disappointed None of Her Children Showing Star Potential

As a new season of Kate Plus Eight finishes up filming to get ready to air on August 8, Kate has come away from the experience with a new concern regarding her 8 children: “None of them have an ounce of star potential,” says Kate.

Kate claims that ever since she’s been showing off her kids on reality shows, she’s been too busy just trying to keep some kind of civilized order that she never really sat down and thought about what the kids were bringing to the table.

“When they were young,” said Kate, “all they had to do is stand in front of a camera and eat a popsicle and they were considered the star of the show. But now that they are getting older, that popsicle trick just doesn’t cut it. So far, this season, I’m sorry to say that it’s gonna be the same old thing, a bunch of whining kids waiting for me to step up to the plate,” she said.

“Sure, we’ve gone on new field trips, we’ve seen new things, but honestly, how many times can you watch a bunch of kids out in the field trying to catch butterflies?” she asked. “I mean, look at Bindi Irwin, [daughter of the late Steve Irwin]. She is just a couple of years older than my twins. That little girl can sing, dance, act, wrestle alligators, the whole nine yards,” said Kate. “I wish I could direct my kids’ energy like that so that instead of acting like monkeys in a zoo…” she trailed off.

Kate says that because she doesn’t have the money to send the kids to acting class, she doesn’t see them really making a name for themselves in show business. Therefore, she’s pretty much resigned herself to the fact that her acting talents alone are going to have to carry the show. She admits the irony. “Reality bites sometimes,” she said.

“It’s a burden when you know you are the only one in the family with God-given talents,” said Gosselin. “But at least I’m thankful for that. I mean, what the heck would we all do if I couldn’t act, dance, or negotiate the hell out of a contract?”

Media Hosts Fear Hyperbole Has Desensitized Viewers and Destroyed Credibility

MediaWatch has concluded a study asking cable news media hosts to rate their performance in reporting on the debt ceiling talks in Washington.

A whopping 67% of MSNBC hosts believe they have pushed the envelope too far and are fearful that once the debt ceiling crisis has passed on Tuesday without so much as a whimper, they will all be seen as Chicken Littles.

In fact, Rachel Maddow is so mad at herself, she’s not been able to step in front of the camera this week at all except to make more dam commercials for MSNBC. While some say Maddow’s absence is due to the fact that she could not find a “gay” angle to the debt ceiling talks, in reality it is because Maddow just could not continue to say the same things over and over and over again without cracking up. “I mean, how many times can you invoke the name of Ronald Reagan? Both sides are making this guy out to be some kind of super hero or something. I’m surprised there aren’t t-shirts out there asking “What Would Reagan Do?” Then, “Oh, there are? See? It’s just so out of control,” said Maddow after finishing up her questionnaire and giving herself a failing grade.

Reporters for MSNBC aren’t the only ones that are being totally hard on themselves, and with good reason. Most CNN reporters, with the exception of Piers Morgan of course, also fear that their constant harping on the debt ceiling crisis to try and make everyone believe it really is a crisis will ultimately backfire on them. “What happens when Tuesday rolls around, the debt ceiling is raised without fanfare, and we all go back to reporting mundane news stories?” asked Anderson Cooper.

“It’s just not that easy. The damage is being done now,” Said Cooper. “Imagine if you will a huge earthquake strikes Japan, and there are tsunami warnings on an almost hourly basis. Then when the tsunamis don’t really live up to the expectations we’ve set for our viewers, what is left? I mean, how many newscasters do you see today reporting on the earthquake in Japan anymore? Sure, the news is still there, the threat of complete nuclear meltdown is a reality, but we used so much hyperbole in the first few days of that story that our viewers have become desensitized. And now we’re doing the same thing with these darned budget talks,” said Cooper.

“Manufacturing a crisis is one thing,” said MSNBC’s Ed Schultz. “But where are the freakin’ jobs? It used to be that in this country, when you invoked the word manufacturing, there were jobs to back it up.”

Meanwhile, Fox News Channel refused to participate in the study as they don’t really consider themselves anything more than a news channel; it being their job to get the story out there no matter how scary it might be or what long-lasting effects it may have on their viewers. “How else are we supposed to keep our ratings up?” asked Sean Hannity.

John Boehner Submits Doodle Pages as Serious Debt Plan

Several sources in Washington who have been following the debt ceiling talks closely have indicated that a lack of golf has turned John Boehner into a bit of a monster. Tired of hearing the President intimate that his party is doing nothing to get the matter resolved, Boehner stood his ground and offered up one last debt plan which he believes the President will accept.

“It is my doodle pad,” said Boehner. Every idea I’ve come up with in the past couple of weeks is within those pages. I say if President Obama wants us to get serious about reducing debt and moving forward on a balanced budget, he’ll find everything he needs right there.”

“Of course,” Boehner continued, “I’d hope that he overlooks the caricatures I’ve drawn of him, and the anagrams I’ve made out of his name, such as 'Baa Crab Amok,' 'A Baa Bra Mock,' and my personal favorite 'Maraca Kabob.'”

Republican Senators Order Out for Chinese as Debt Ceiling Talks Continue

A reporter covering the debacle that is the debt ceiling talks has just published a story in his local hometown paper, The Times-Picayune, which helps shed light on what he believes is the number one priority coming out of the Republican camp—the importance of a good lunch.

James Jefferson, no relation to Thomas Jefferson, has discovered that the Republicans are tired of the traditional American fare in the Senate lunchroom consisting of hamburgers and freedom fries, and have been ordering out quite a bit lately.

“Their take-out food of choice is Chinese, hands down,” writes Jefferson, “and they are running up quite a tab according to the owner of their favorite take out restaurant, Nu China Dynasty. In fact, several of the freshman Republican Senators have told him if they had their way, there would be nothing but Chinese served in the Senate lunchroom.”

“I honestly don’t think Americans know just how big a role Chinese is playing in keeping these Senators satisfied throughout the talks,” writes Jefferson. “It may be a tad on the expensive side, but the Senators are reportedly extremely satisfied with this alternative.”

The Nu China Dynasty is equally enamored with their new clients. So much so that they plan on opening franchises across America to make sure that the Senators get all the Chinese they want for as long as they want it.

Americans Losing Sense of Humor in Wake of Debt Ceiling Talks

Satirists are having one of the worst seasons this year trying to get Americans to laugh about their situations. With home foreclosures still at an all-time high, no real health care reform in sight, and now a deadlocked government where each side wants to see the other fail regardless of how it impacts the little guy, Americans just aren't in the mood to laugh.

“I wrote a story the other day about John Boehner’s golf scores suffering from lack of practice, and it got less than a hundred hits. With the keywords ‘Boehner’ and ‘golf’ alone, I usually get close to 300 hits. If I get the word ‘tan’ in there, which I did, I should easily have gotten over a thousand hits. My numbers are definitely in the toilet,” said Hubert McCain (no relation to John McCain, although we can’t be certain) who declined to disclose his hometown.

Speaking of toilets, even writers on toilet humor sites are seeing a drop in readership. What used to be the number one draw in sophomoric humor, farting stories are simply not getting any attention these days. Writers who bet the farm on websites centered around farting are losing big time. They are facing their own debt crises. “We’re in deep doo doo,” said one writer who even fell flat trying to joke about the fact that no one finds his poop stories humorous anymore.

“Historically,” said Happy Kline, “whenever there was a downturn in the economy, humor was about the only thing America had going for it and comedians and jokesters made a pretty good earning making sure things didn’t get too serious. But with this latest budget crisis on top of the housing crisis, terrorist thingie, and all those damned tsunamis and earthquakes, we are just not able to put on our clown faces and make anyone laugh anymore.”

McCain agreed. “I just don’t get it. We have some of the nuttiest political candidates we’ve ever had in our lives running for President in 2012 and not one person can find the humor in that. It’s said,” he said, “a real waste of material.”

Lady Gaga Wears Elephant Poop Heels in Latest Music Video

How do you top wearing a meat dress to an awards ceremony? If you’re Lady Gaga, you get someone to sell you a pair of elephant poop stilettos. The heels, designed by a London artist, were part of an exhibit last year at London’s Tate Art Gallery when they caught the eye of the eccentric pop artist, Lady Gaga.

“Ooooh, I just have to have those poop shoes,” cooed Gaga. “They would go perfectly with the crocodile coprolite necklace I got last year from Arizona. How much? How much?” exclaimed an excited Gaga.

Actually, coprolite (fossilized poop) jewelry has been around for a while now but hasn’t really caught on as a fashion accessory.

However, the designer of the shoes hopes that as soon as Gaga steps on stage in her elephant poop stilettos, it won’t take long at all before every woman worth her weight in fashion sense will be sporting the latest in dung accessories.