California Bans Bacon!

The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first, and possibly the only state to take such drastic steps to protect its citizens from themselves.

Most people didn’t even know the bill was being voted on as the pork industry lobbyists didn’t think there’d be enough votes to get the measure passed. “To quote George Bush,” said one Senator from Los Angeles, ‘they misunderestimated us.’”

Senator Mary Lumsfeld from Studio City, California says the measure was necessary. “We were seeing our citizens get fatter and fatter and we were thinking “This isn’t Kentucky, this is California. What are we going to do?”

Beginning in 2010, California hired a team of registered dieticians and heart specialists to conduct a study on the everyday diets of 2,000 Californians to find out what was making them so darned fat, and what they found was startling! The major culprit was none other than bacon and bacon-like products.

“It’s just too tasty for people to resist,” said Trixie Culpepper, a registered dietician from San Diego, California. “We eat it on burgers, we top our salads with it, and we season our vegetables with it. We eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it’s slowly killing us,” she said. “Just like any evil, we knew we had to get rid of it before people started lumping Californians in with other Americans and calling us the “F” word.” Of course, Culpepper was referring to the word ‘Fat.’

There is no word on how this ban is going to affect Californians who have not yet chosen a healthy diet on their own. Mayors in all major Californian cities have committed to putting additional police forces on the streets as they expect major pushback from the passing of the bill. The biggest concern is that now that it is banned, bacon will most probably be sold on the California black market, making it a very dangerous commodity. Fines of anywhere from $1,000 to $10,000 for violations has restaurants up and down the California coast getting rid of their supplies of bacon and telling customers they’ll have to go to Vegas to get their bacon fix.

“It will be tough,” said California’s Governor Jerry Brown, “but hey, I’m a bacon lover myself, and once I kicked the habit, I lost 40 pounds. If I can do it, then by golly, the rest of my fellow Californians can. Let’s show them that we are not another Mississippi.”

As a side note, a similar bill making tofu California’s state food failed miserably. “I guess we’re on the right track,” said Gov. Brown, “but we’re really pushing our luck with tofu.”

Psychiatrist Pressured by GOP to Recant Statements About 2012 Candidates

“They’re all pretty much a little nuts in my opinion,” claims Hans Bruchtern, Psy.D., resident psychologist at Tri-State Valley Hospital in Kentucky. Dr. Bruchtern was being interviewed for an upcoming magazine article focusing on the rise in personality disorder diagnoses in Americans within the past two decades. When asked what he thought about some of the outrageous claims Tea Party candidates such as Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have made recently on the campaign trail, Bruchtern was extremely candid.

“Oh, it’s not just the fact that Tea Party candidates are saying loopy things,” he said. “Judging from what these candidates say they are going to do if they become President of the United States should have most Americans shaking in their boots. I think just about every candidate out there has some sort of personality disorder that needs to be treated, and if one of them is elected, we may just become the Untied States of America.”

Asked to elaborate, Bruchtern told the reporter “Honestly? I think they’re all pretty much narcissistic to some degree. Some more so than others.”

Bruchtern claims that the better-looking candidates such as Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Mitt Romney have gotten by in life on their looks and therefore, when they hit the campaign trail, “they pretty much think they can say what they want to get votes and people will just fall all over them. They honestly believe they are America’s only hope.”

Asked if there is a test out there that can be taken by the candidates to determine once and for all if, in fact, they do suffer from personality disorders and if so, are any of them a threat, especially if they do get elected, Bruchtern answered cautiously.

“Let’s look at someone who is definitely considered by the psychiatric community to suffer from borderline personality disorder, i.e. Dick Cheney,” said Dr. Bruchtern. Now mind you, no one will admit this, and I probably wouldn’t accept any invites from him to go hunting after giving this interview, but the fact of the matter is that man, to this day, still believes that waterboarding is not a form of torture. That, in and of itself, speaks volumes.”

Once the interview was completed, the reporter asked the good doctor to spell his name correctly for the publication. “Sure, said the doctor. That’s Hans, spelled J-o-h-n, Bruchtern, spelled S-m-i-t-h.”

Secret Medical Marijuana Community Thriving in Central Florida

Just up the road from Cassadega, Florida, “Psychic Capital of the World,” there exists a tiny little community of septuagenerians who are defying Florida law in order to make their lives more tolerable.

“Hemp Hollow” is what the residents there affectionately call their little hamlet. You won’t find it on any map, and unless you are one of “them,” you would never even know it exists. But every day, the smell of brownies fills the air as 70+ year old grandmothers spend their mornings cleaning marijuana buds and incorporating them into some of the best baked goodies you’ve ever had.

Lola Lipshitz, (not her real name) a transplant from Long Island, New York, has been living in Hemp Hollow for close to two years now and says if it weren’t for her finding the place, she’d most likely be living, in her words, “a crappy existence in one of those state-run assisted living facilities playing bingo every Wednesday night and eating beanie-weenies out of a can.”

Lipshitz, together with her life partner Wanda Wolfshitz (not her real name either) founded the colony of elderly potheads after they visited Lola’s daughter in San Francisco and found a doctor who would prescribe medicinal marijuana for their various ailments.

“I had a bad case of the shingles,” said Lola, “and my daughter took me to a doctor who told me point blank, “you need pot, honey.” At first, Lola said she was dead set against it, but with a little coaxing, she ate her first pot brownie and from there it was like a whole new world opened up for her.

Lola and Wanda grow their own medicinal marijuana in a large storage shed that stands in the middle of a wooded area out back of their home. “Fortunately, we live quite a ways away from an incorporated area. We grow prize roses,” said Lola, “and, so far, we’ve been lucky. Everyone thinks that’s why we have all that fertilizer and potting soil.”

Wanda says they don’t know what they’d do if either of them got caught, “cause we have about ten of our neighbors who are counting on us for those brownies.” But both agree that living on the edge being “ganja grannies” as those who know them have so dubbed them, is way better than bingo, beanie-weanies and bedsores any day.

Dan Quayle Briefly Considers Run for President

“If Rick Perry can do it, why can’t I? asked the 44^th Vice President of the United States after a few afternoon cocktails. Quayle put some balls in motion this past weekend while attending a fundraiser for Perry. “I’ve got to be honest here folks. While Mr. Perry is one handsome man, he’s not got a lot going on upstairs besides a great set of hair.” When reminded by one of his handlers that the saying goes “great head of hair,” Quayle replied, “yes, but it is me saying it.”

Many in the crowd, when asked if they would consider voting for Dan Quayle for President said emphatically they would not, but that did not deter Quayle, who, at one point got up on the stage with Perry, put his arm around Perry’s shoulder, and said, “man, we’re both dumb as a box of rocks but they still throw their campaign money at us. How great is that?” at which point Mr. Quayle was told by Perry to “go sleep it off mofo.”

No one is sure what Quayle’s schedule looked like Sunday morning but could only guess that his trip across country to see what was going on in the Bachmann camp met with equal failure. Especially after Quayle told Bachmann just moments after being invited into her campaign bus “I wouldn’t have a problem at all having you as my Vice President, Shelly. You’re pretty hot.”

No New York Times on Sunday Bigger Disaster than Hurricane Irene

As Hurricane Irene barrels up the eastern seaboard toward New York, many wonder how New Yorkers will fare once hit by a category 1 hurricane, the likes of which they’ve not seen in years.

Hurricane Irene is giving us an up-close-and-personal view of just what New Yorkers fear most if the storm does, indeed, hit them full on. Are they worried about losing electricity? Not having enough water or food? Losing their living space?

“Not really,” says Upper Manhattan resident, Irene Weinstein (‘no relation to the storm,’ she quipped). We New Yorkers are tough. We can take just about anything.” Impressed by her fortitude, this reporter asked Irene then exactly what may bring down herself and fellow New Yorkers.

“Off the top of my head, I’d say not having the Sunday New York Times delivered to our door. I, personally, have been doing the crossword for almost 40 years straight, missing one edition only when my husband suffered a heart attack around 5 a.m. on a Sunday morning last June,” she said. “Selfish bastard,” she added jokingly. “He could have taken a couple of aspirin and waited till Monday to go to the hospital.”

Irene claims that most of her friends build their whole Sunday mornings around the Times. “A double latte, some bagels and lox, the Times--it doesn’t get any better than that,” she sighed. “I’m honestly worried that some of my friends just aren’t going to make it without their beloved Sunday paper.”

Asked if there was anything else beside the Times that New Yorkers were going to have a hard time going without, Irene told us, “Well, yeah, of course. I heard my favorite deli just down the street is boarding up for the storm. Wish I would have known that ahead of time so that I could stock up on some pastrami and a loaf of Jewish rye. They make the best pastrami in New York. At least someone is going to eat well during the storm—selfish bastards.”

Hershey’s Finds Way to Bring Jobs Back to America, Kinda Sorta

In these tough economic times, many unemployed Americans are complaining our jobs crisis would be solved if most of our larger corporations kept jobs at home instead of shipping them overseas. Most companies report that finding a way to do so and still turn a profit has eluded them.

But one such corporation, Hershey’s, the chocolate candy king, has found a way to do just that, kinda. And, to please the politicians who are hell bent on taking America back to the good old colonial days when liberty and justice were words bandied about quite a bit, Hershey’s is killing two birds with one stone. It’s called indentured servitude.

For those unfamiliar with the concept of indentured servitude [as it has been banned in America for centuries] here is a quick primer. In colonial times, an employer would enter into a contract with a worker whereby passage to America would be provided, as well as room and board, so long as the ‘servant’ agreed to work an agreed-upon number of years for the employer. In most cases, the workers never really ever earned enough to get out from under the “employment” contract and were forced to work years more than the stated time in the contract to “pay off” their debts to the employer.

The only problem, actually the only problem(s) with Hershey’s plan to keep jobs at home instead of shipping them abroad are (1) the students they are bringing to America to work for them are foreign students; and (2) by the time Hershey’s takes deductions from their $8 an hour wages for housing, food and what not, the foreign students realize they could have stayed at home making $.25 an hour at some sweat shop that manufactures American goods and made more money than what they’re actually earning in America.

To be fair, the kids are getting a free ride to America to work for one of the biggest companies in the world and experience the “American” way of doing business up close and personal. That, alone, should be enough to satisfy them, but no, they’re staging a protest. Seems the foreign workers want to see actual wages for the work they do, not a pay stub that shows them having just enough left over after living expenses to cover the cost of one of the many varieties of candy bar Hershey’s makes.

The irony? It is going to cost Hershey’s a nice chunk of change in attorneys’ fees to fight the charges—money that could have been better spent legally offering minimum-wage jobs to the many American women facing unemployment who would jump at the chance to work in a chocolate factory.

Dumbed Down America Embraces Bush Clone, Rick Perry

For anyone still wondering if America is being dumbed down, all one has to do is look at the line-up of presidential candidates coming at us from the right and it’s a no-brainer.

One of the most questionable of all when it comes to having the smarts to lead our nation, Rick Perry, just came out ahead in the most recent Gallup Poll, which pretty much speaks volumes about where we are, intelligence-wise, as a country. History seems to be repeating itself as another Bush-like candidate seems likely to capture the hearts and ‘minds’ of Americans.

We all remember some of the hilarious things that came out of President George W. Bush’s mouth during his presidency such as “They misunderestimated me,” and “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” With Perry taking an early lead in securing the GOP nomination, we are left wondering if Americans, in general, have the smarts to elect an intelligent leader.

While Texans are pretty much used to the inane way Perry expresses himself, the rest of America is just now getting a taste of how Perry thinks. Judging from the attention he’s getting by offering to open a can of Texas-size whoop-ass on anyone in Washington who does something he doesn’t agree with, aka Ben Bernanke, he’s becoming more popular than a Saturday night MMA brawl.

For the sake of argument, let’s say Rick Perry is brighter than a neon pink mini-skirt. Still, we can’t help but imagine how this country is going to fare under an elected President who, instead of ending his inaugural speech with “God Bless the United States of America,” would find nothing wrong with leaving the nation with the words “Adios, mofos.”