Cold Front Hits Florida, Santorum Goes Home

Out of respect for Mr. Santorum and his family, this article has been removed. Wishing his daughter a speedy and full recovery. 

Jerry Springer Invites Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney on Show

Jerry Springer, the king of daytime trash television is offering Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney a million dollars each if they will take their feud onto his show for one taping. “I love to watch when Newt, who is already considered the trailer trash candidate of the GOP, brings a polished businessman like Mitt Romney down to his level,” said Springer. “Forget cousins having babies together, this would blow my audience out of the water.”

Springer said that so far, Newt’s people have tentatively accepted, but he hasn’t heard back from the Romney camp.

“Romney says the money sounds great, but he’s balking at the idea of putting on a Speedo and rolling around in Jello with Newt for the cameras,” said Springer’s producer. “But those are just details that can be worked out. It may be possible to get them to just wear cut-offs and switch out the Jello for mud. Lord knows Mitt is not adverse to a little mud-slinging—it’s just more difficult than we thought convincing him to do it literally.”

Aging Gingrich Sucking Life Out of Youthful Santorum Race

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign.

“But he lies…a lot,” said Voeticki, “and quite frankly, his lies are affecting all of us.”

Voeticki says that since Santorum decided to get in Newt’s corner and go after Romney together, the volunteers have had to stay up late at night just trying to keep a step ahead of the media so that their boss’ name doesn’t get dragged through the dirt just by association.

Mary McCurtney, 37, a Santorum volunteer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, agrees. “When we first started this campaign last year, I had gorgeous auburn hair. I’m now having to get henna treatments every 3 months or so to hide the gray. I’m seriously considering hanging up my volunteer slippers and saying the heck with it. I didn’t sign on for this crap.”

“Hell, we shouldn’t have trusted him in the first place,” said Voeticki. “It’s just that most of us were too young to remember Gingrich’s shady dealings as House Speaker back in the 90’s, and well, let’s face it, Newt is such a smooth talker. He had us at hello.”

But now, the youthful campaign workers are aging fast and are asking their leader to allow them to cut ties with the Gingrich camp. “If for no other reason,” said Voeticki, “the cost of vitamin supplements alone is putting a serious dent in our campaign coffers.”

Mitt Romney Hands out $20 Bills to Young Black Males

Mitt Romney says the ‘high’ he felt by helping out a Sumter, SC woman last week by handing her a wad of cash to pay her electricity bill was exhilarating. He claimed afterwards that he couldn’t describe how great it felt to give to the poor. “Who knew there was that kind of power in money?” said Romney.

It was then that Romney decided that wherever he went, he would carry a pocketful of cash and hand it out to those he felt were most needy. And so, on a sunny Monday, while the country celebrated the birthday of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., Mitt Romney hit the streets in Myrtle Beach, SC handing out $20 bills to the young black men milling about the streets.

“I figured the least I could do was buy them lunch,” said Romney. “I know how hard it must be to be out of work and hungry, so I thought, hey, I know I can take care of the hungry part.”

Asked if he thought it might look like a political handout to get the black vote in South Carolina, Romney poo pooed the notion. “Oh heck no, not at all. I mean, sure, those guys might be voters, I’m never sure. But, vote for me when they have Obama? Heaven’s no. I know that’s never gonna happen. I’m just throwing a little ‘power’ around,” he chuckled as he hurried off to score some more happy points with a group of blacks he spotted at the bus station.

Afterwards, one of the recipients was asked how he felt about being handed money from a man who may soon be his next President. “I’m blown away, man,” said Johnson Freeman. “Now I can afford to pay my kid’s allowance this week.” Then lightheartedly added, “But asking for a shoe shine in exchange for the Jackson? Man, that was harsh, Willard.”

Mitt Romney Not Ashamed of his Tons of Millions

Yo Quiero Mi Dinero?

The media, for lack of better things to do, seem to constantly be nipping at Mitt Romney’s heels about how wealthy he is. But for all their efforts to make him look like a rich fat cat, the best they’ve been able to accomplish is to provide Romney a platform on which to flaunt his financial success.

“My God,” said Romney at a $10,000 a plate dinner in Boca Raton, Florida, “If that money wasn’t going to me, it would just end up in someone else’s pocket. I’m just not getting what the big deal is. I’m rich, get over it,” he said to a cheering audience.

“He’s sending the right message,” said Thornton Bancroll, one of the richest donors to Romney’s cause.

“Seriously, tonight Mr. Romney asked a damned good rhetorical question. He said ‘Wouldn’t giving up my wealth be an insult to every person in this room?’ and no one here tonight could argue against that kind of logic. 

Romney says he isn’t bitter at the press, and in fact, he welcomes the dialogue about money. “At least when they are talking about how filthy rich I am, they aren’t digging up more of my ancestral roots. I mean, really, Mexican? Who saw that coming?”

Damien Thorn Surges in GOP Polls

For anyone who is just tuning in, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is surging in the polls despite the fact that he is anti-middle class, anti-working folk, and anti-poor. He is being spoon fed to America as the next great leader, ready to topple our now standing President in, what some would have you believe, the greatest takedown since Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier.

He’s Ward Cleaver, the Koch Brothers, Mr. Rogers, and Damien Thorn all rolled into one neat package created to give the American public an alternative to Barack Obama. He’s gonna fix this country. Not by easing taxes on the rich, not by giving the jobless jobs, not by fixing the financial industry. Nosiree, he’s just gonna get up there in Washington and remove Barack Obama’s finger from the dike so that Washington can get back to the business of letting business take over.

But Romney is going to do it with a great big smile on his face. The face that will be turning away when the rest of the jobs are shipped overseas, the hangers on who were barely making it finally fall into the abyss of destitution, the hungry finally die off and the poor just plain give up.

Mitt Romney is not one solitary man, he is a figurehead that has been carefully picked to be the GOP candidate to take down the President by any means possible. Romney lends his suave appearance and his calm, calculating demeanor to those in real power to do with as they please just so long as he gets to keep his millions and his mansions, yes, plural, the ones in California, Massachusetts and New Hampshire, not to mention his little ski shack in Utah.

Romney may be surging in the polls, but you can bet it is not because real Americans are backing him. Instead his political dog is being wagged so well by the most powerful people in the world that no one on the middle-class or below level can see anything due to the bright light being shined in their faces. Somebody is paying somebody off in massive amounts to have someone like Romney do so well in the polls when the majority of the citizens of this country are in such dire straits.

What is really happening is that the money people are trying one last time to pull the wool over the eyes of the American public while they are too weak to protest. It is costing a lot. One so cynical as myself has to wonder if Ron Paul, as well, is being paid a pretty penny to show up to these shindigs, take a few of the votes so as to make it seem like a real contest. He will never become the GOP candidate. He knows it and Mitt Romney and his backers know it, yet he continues to be cheered on by the youth of this country, perhaps because they are just naïve enough to believe that there is such a thing as a democratic process in America and we have a real choice.

“Make it look real good fellas, like he’s really fighting for the American people, and then at the end, give him a concession speech that will have them crying in the aisles” (cue Romney from the left.)

“My fellow Americans, I am honored to accept the nomination of the Republican Party to become the next great President of the United States.”

Does anyone know where that satchel with the ceremonial daggers is?

New Little Bigfoot Show to Air this Summer on Animal Planet

“They’re out there. Their size just makes them that much harder to find,” claims veteran Bigfoot hunter, Claude Brinkman, from Clare County, Michigan. Brinkman has just signed on to do several episodes of a show called The Hunt for Little Bigfoot for the Animal Planet Channel.

Brinkman claims he started out looking for regular-sized Bigfoot creatures but was having little success.

“I saw where some fellas from Georgia got their own show and claim to be the best Bigfoot hunters in the world,” said Brinkman. “Baloney. They haven’t produced one iota of evidence yet, but I will.”

Asked if he had evidence of his Little Bigfoot creature, Brinkman answered “No, but I’ve had plenty of opportunities to get some. I just want to save all that for the show.”

Asked to theorize exactly what a Little Bigfoot is, Brinkman told reporters, “It’s about the size of an overweight 9-year old, I’m guessing, and it walks around barefoot in the woods, just like its big counterparts.”

Asked if it could actually be a 9-year old child wearing a furry coat for winter and walking around in the woods, Brinkman said that he thought of that possibility, but quickly dismissed it.

“Seriously, folks, where are his shoes?”

Little Bigfoot has begun filming in the woods of Clare County, Michigan and if all goes well (meaning if any signs whatsoever are found that would remotely get someone to watch this guy walking around in the woods speculating that there actually could be a smaller version of the Bigfoot creature while never showing real evidence of its existence) then the show will air on the Animal Planet in the time slot immediately following Finding Bigfoot.