Tweezers and Magnified Mirrors Selling Fast as Depilatory Cream Ban Hits America

Mildred Schrumshruft

A ban on all depilatory creams in America has aging women scrambling to find alternatives for getting rid of unsightly hair on their chins and necks.

Pharmacies are finding it hard to keep tweezers and magnified mirrors in stock.

“It’s been a madhouse ever since Tuesday when the ban on depilatory creams was announced by the FDA,” said Mildred Thompkins, assistant pharmacy director at a local drug store.

“These women are genuinely concerned and rightly so, I might add,” said the 58-year old Thompkins, who has a bit of a whisker problem herself. Mildred also admits to buying up the entire supply of tweezers at her store in order to sell them on e-bay for a hefty mark-up.

“Come another week or so,” said Mildred” and these suckers are gonna be worth their weight in gold.”

Two elderly ladies from in southwest Texas, who flat out refused to be identified, said they were contemplating driving south of the border to buy their depilatory creams in Mexico.

“Drug war, schmug war,” said one of the women. “Tweezers and magnified mirrors are ok for the younger gals, but when you hit 80, you need the cream. If I don’t get some soon, they’re gonna start letting me play poker with the fellas on Thursday nights.”

Mitt Romney Sings “Sexy and I Know It” in Shower

Hey, throw me the Head & Shoulders, will ya?

A Mitt Romney aid has just leaked some interesting news about the presidential candidate. Seems Mr. Romney’s favorite song while showering in the campaign bus these days is “Sexy and I Know It,” by LMFAO.

“He can’t seem to get the song out of his head,” said Major Harkings, one of Romney’s top aides. “I’m trying to think back when it all started, and I believe it was when Mr. Romney was posing for a photo with some waitresses in a diner back in June of last year and as the photo was being taken, he [Romney] claims he felt a hand on his bottom.”

Harkins claims that Romney has always thought of himself as a sort of ladies man, and this isn’t the first song about sex appeal Romney has been caught singing in the shower.

“Sometimes he’ll change it up a bit and sing ‘I’m Too Sexy’ or Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get it On” said Harkins.

Harkins and others in the campaign say the imagery that Romney’s latest song choice evokes is sometimes just too much to handle. So much so that it routinely clears the bus within seconds of Romney announcing his plans to take a shower.

Mitt Romney and Wife Show Up at Events Wearing Nike Galaxy Shoes

Romney says they're pretty grotesque but then
so are his $1000 pair of bright pink golfing pants

Mitt Romney is proving he’ll do just about anything to show his supporters that he is ready, willing and able to spend the money it takes to become President, and how he dresses is an important component in that.

Upon hearing that the newly released Nike Foamposite Galaxy basketball shoe is quickly becoming one of the most expensive shoes on the market, Romney had his people rush out and buy a couple of pair for himself and his wife to wear in Michigan.

Asked why he would buy basketball shoes when he clearly isn’t into sports, Romney told reporters that he doesn’t buy things necessarily for their function but more for their form. People see in me the ability to obtain things, expensive things, and they say ‘hey, wish I could have a pair of those,’ and I am instantly the person they think has things they don’t. It’s so simple really, I can’t believe I’m explaining this to you,”and then added “Ok, ok, I’ll say it a bit clearer. The shoes are expensive, I buy expensive things, ergo I’m rich.”

In a related story, shortly after Romney and his wife got off the bus in downtown Detroit, they were mobbed by several teenagers trying to get at the Nike Galaxy shoes. Secret service agents had to whisk the pair back onto the bus and take them to the suburbs where they assumed they were less likely to be attacked.

Internet Site Reports Large Purchases in Romney and Santorum Campaigns

Santorum camp has spent so far in excess of $7000 for barf bags; Romney camp over $8000 for duct tape.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Denies Crush on President Obama

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer says that rumors about her actually having a mad crush on President Obama are patently false.

In a statement she recently gave at the local Chapter of Single Christians with Spouses, Brewer claims that television psychologist Dr. Phil has her all wrong. She was referring to Dr. Phil’s take on why Brewer refused to attend the dinner being given for the nation’s governors on Sunday.

“Well I’ll be hornswaggled,” said Phil to a television reporter hoping to gain some insight into some of Brewer’s bizarre behavior in recent months toward the President. “She [Brewer] is sweet as honey on the suckle for the President,” he said, stopping just short of declaring that Jan Brewer has the hots for the President.

Asked why Phil would make such a statement when clearly Brewer has shown nothing but animosity at each of her meetings with the President.

“I’m no expert,” he said, “wait, oh yea I kinda am."

"Here’s what’s going on. You remember grade school right?” he asked. “Remember the story about Timmy dipping Peggy’s pigtails in the ink well and turns out he was doing it cause he was sweet on Peggy?”

“Well,” said Dr. Phil, “when I saw Governor Brewer in that picture with her face all up in President Obama’s and her finger wagging in his face, that right there was testament to an unrequited desire to take the man right then and there.”

Asked then why Governor Brewer would miss tonight’s opportunity to be in the presence of the President, Dr. Phil answered “Aw shucks, that’s an easy one,” he said. “She likely can’t stand the thought of Barack Obama being with another woman, i.e. his wife, and I think it would drive Ms. Brewer up the proverbial wall to see them together all lovey-dovey.”

Again, Jan Brewer had no comment, other than to call Dr. Phil a big fat liar, liar pants on fire.

Glamour Guns & Ammo Opens High-End Shop on Rodeo Drive

Indicative of the offerings at Glamour Guns & Ammo

Proud gun owner Patricia “Pickles” McQuarty of Lubbock, Texas has just announced the grand opening of her new high-end gun shop on fabulous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, California. Glamour Guns & Ammo will offer some of the finest guns made by manufacturers from around the world, from solid gold pistols to tiny Derringers in designer colors.

“I got the idea one day in my gun shop counting how many “Annies” (a term Pickles uses to refer to her female customers—named after the famous Annie Oakley) were coming into my shop looking for something that would discreetly fit into their handbags while doing the job they were meant to do.”

While women carrying guns in Lubbock isn’t all that unusual, it [Lubbock] isn’t the kind of town you would associate with high society. So, Pickles’ idea of bringing the guns to the ladies instead of vice versa had always been in the back of her head. A big fan of Project Runway and it’s runoff Project Accessory, Pickles got the grand idea of giving the uber rich their own guns and ammo store on Rodeo Drive.

“Look honey, I don’t care if you are going to a live show at the local theatre or having your picture taken on the red carpet, you want to make sure you are fully protected, and if the gun matches the outfit, well, that’s just icing (no pun intended) on the cake,” said Pickles in her sweet Texan drawl.

Pickles claims that most women in the upper echelons of society have always carried guns, but now with the advent of more and more open carry laws taking effect, they want something that, when taken out of their waistband or pocketbooks, doesn’t clash with their outfits.

“The kind of client I’m going after wouldn’t be caught dead using a plain old black revolver on the shooting range. She’s gonna want to wow them with my ‘Perfectly Pink’ target pistol,” says Pickles.

Glamour Gun’s inventory includes a diamond-studded Beretta Nano that is to die for at any cocktail party. It also offers cute little Cobra Derringers in just about any color you can imagine. In fact, says Pickles, if there is a special occasion you have coming up and she doesn’t have a gun for you in just the right color, give her enough time and she’ll have one made for you. 

“It’s kinda like having the shoes dyed to match the dress kinda deal,” says McQuarty.

Asked about the location, Pickles said that’s just about the best thing in the world about her new store. “Rodeo Drive. Honey, just how much more cowgirl can you get?”

Malia and Sasha Buy Dad Tie and Slippers for President’s Day

Today is the day America celebrates its past and present Presidents with a day totally devoted to them. For the Obama kids, it is a time to tell their dad how proud they are of him.

With that in mind, President Obama woke up to what he says is just about the nicest gifts he’s ever gotten from his girls, i.e. a patriotic-patterned tie and a pair of comfy slippers.

“Sure, it’s what I always get on Father’s Day too,” whispered the President out of earshot of his daughters, “but I’m not gonna spoil their day grousing about always getting the same thing. Besides, I took care of my own present without their knowledge.”

Mr. President was, of course, referring to his upcoming trip to Orlando for a fundraiser that he hopes will allow him to rub elbows with some of the biggest names in basketball.

“Look, I love ties and slippers, I really do, and I love the fact that my kids went out and spent their own money to get me these things. But I’d be lying if I said I’m glad there is yet another holiday that enables my kids to go out there and shop for me.”