BPs Lavish Celebration over Capping of Oil Well Marred by Angry Protests

New Orleans, LA - What should have been one of the happiest celebrations in a long time for BP today when it announced that the oil spill in the Gulf has been temporarily capped, leaving no oil spilling from beneath it, turned instead to another day of blame and forced accountability from the people whose lives along the Gulf Coast have been forever changed.

As the official spokesperson from BP stood atop a makeshift stage made to look like a replica of the Horizon platform, decorated with red, white and blue balloons and streamers, several hundred protesters were on hand to keep the company honest. With signs saying “Cap This” and “Tony Hayward is the “D” Word” hecklers were front and center to let him know in no uncertain terms that just because they were being treated to free wieners and soda pop, they weren’t backing down from their original demand that BP make Louisiana and the rest of the Gulf Coast states whole before they hightail it outta town.

Before he could even get the first word of his prepared speech out, protesters started chanting, “Liar, Liar,” drowning out his words.  Finally, police were called in to settle the crowd down and he was able to speak:

“This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over whose fault the oil spill was. Let’s just get past it and go have a hot dog together.”

Stunned by his sheer genius to paraphrase from one of the most revered Monty Python movies of all time, “the Holy Grail,” the crowd could do nothing but cheer him on and agree to let bygones be bygones.  Soda pop for everyone!

Obama Picks Judge Judy to Decide Oil Spill Claims

Ever since President Obama and BP announced that BP is putting up an initial $20 billion to pay for any legitimate claims that are filed as a result of damages incurred as a direct or indirect result of the Horizon Gulf oil disaster, people have been wondering who will decide the fate of their claims.

Well, wait no longer. This morning, President Obama announced that he tapped one of the best minds in the legal business, Judge Judy, to take on the task of sorting through the myriad of claims being filed and determining what is and isn’t legitimate. “I can’t think of a better legal mind or a person that these folks in Louisiana can relate to than Judge Judy,” said Obama. “She is going to cut through the bullsh*t (excuse my Cajun) and make sure that the $20 billion only goes to those who have legitimate claims.”

Already, Judge Judy has taken a precursory look at some of the claims filtering through the government claims office and admits it is going to be a formidable task to separate the wheat from the chaff or as she likes to put it, “the oil from the water,” but she is willing to take that task on.

“For instance,” said Judge Judy, “do you know how many claims have already been filed for ridiculous sums of money for what we are calling ‘flip-flop’ claims?” These are claims that beachgoers have filed who have gotten tar balls on their flip-flops, claiming they were designer flip-flops that can’t be cleaned by ordinary methods. “Give me a friggin’ break,” she says as she takes her glasses off and wipes them purposefully. “Here’s a clue,” she continued, “we are pretty much aware of what a pair of $5 flip-flops from Wal-Mart looks like, so save us and yourself a bunch of time and just keep your claims to yourself.”

Said one potential claimant, an out-of-work shrimper, “man, with Judge Judy at the helm, I’m pretty sure I better have my eyes crossed and my t’s dotted cause I been watchin’ her on tv, what with nuthin’ else to do these days, and I can tell you that she doesn’t let nobody slip nuthin’ past her.”

Obama Ready to Open Big Can of Whup Ass

New York, NY – Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big can of whup ass he has stored in his desk drawer and unleashing it on whoever is responsible for the oil spill.

Most people claim it is BP who should get their asses whupped, but Obama is cautious. “Whup Ass is expensive, people. You can’t just open up the can and take the chance that all the air will leak out before we’re able to unleash that whup ass power. We have to make sure of two things when using whup ass (1) that we know who the target is; and (2) when the right time comes, we open that can and kick some serious ass right then and there. With whup ass, there’s no margin for error.”

Most people don’t realize the down side of using whup ass. Sure, it is effective when used properly, but say you use whup ass on someone who has lots of lawyers armed to the hilt with legal precedent that say if you ruin their reputation for instance and it turns out you’re wrong about their involvement in the oil spill, well, you not only waste an expensive can of whup ass, but you end up on the wrong side of a lawsuit.

Said Obama, “make no mistake, America, I will find out whose ass to kick and when I do, I won’t hesitate to open my can of whup ass. And on the off chance that there is more than one ass to kick, I’ve already got the procurement office looking into the cost of purchasing several more cans of whup ass just in case.”

Sarah Palin Blames Drill Baby Drill Comments on Evil Twin

Wasilly, AK – Finally, what the American people have been waiting for from Sarah Palin, the truth. No longer do we have to guess why she would backtrack on her famous “Drill, Baby, Drill” comment when, in fact, it wasn’t she who said it.

“I have an evil twin, Sally, who is responsible for most of the awful things that come out of my mouth,” said Sarah in a recent tweet. “I’ve known about Sally for quite some time, but thought that if I told anyone about it, they’d think I was crazy, so I’ve just kept mum about it and took the heat. But this time, Sally has gone too far,” said Sarah. “This time she is making me out to be a big liar and I can no longer allow people to think that of me.”

Sarah is speaking, of course, about the drill, baby, drill comments and what was meant by them. “I never said that it was safe to drill offshore. I only meant that we should continue drilling on land. When I get confused, Sally takes over and when Sally takes over, everything gets muddled. She talks like me, walks like me and even dresses like me. In fact, she is so good at copying me, that I sometimes don’t even know if it is her talking or me. That is how good she is at deception.”

Asked if possibly Sally is just a person Sarah has made up to take the heat off herself, Sarah responded that she (Sally) was not a figment of her (Sarah’s) imagination. “No, Sally is real and she is really dangerous. Why just last week she attempted to tell a group of tea party members that I opposed the Bridge to Nowhere when, in fact, I, wait a minute, I did oppose the Bridge to Nowhere, didn’t I? Oh that Sally, what a little troublemaker she is. She got me again, good this time.”

BP Executives Now Understand Full Impact of Oil Spill Disaster

TONY 'BALONEY' HAYWARD

As millions of Americans are enjoying a three-day Memorial Day weekend, BP executives and crew must work around the clock to continue efforts to stop the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico and at least appear as if they are trying to clean the waters and shorelines of the southern states affected by the oil leakage.

As one executive put it in a news conference on Friday, "This oil spill has affected us in ways you can't imagine. While everyone else in America is spending time with their families going to picnics and ball games, eating hot dogs and swilling beer, we are slaving away at work on this damned mess. It wasn’t until we heard one local newscaster tell another, ‘well, Paul, I’m off for a three-day weekend; have a good one,’ that it occurred to me that if we’d have only used a little more sense when designing and constructing this damned oil platform, none of us would be having to miss a holiday.”

When reminded that he was British and Memorial Day was an American holiday, the executive replied, “I beg to differ, but because we are operating this particular business within the confines of America, we are bound by America’s employment laws, which specifically state that we must take Memorial Day as a holiday, and we certainly wouldn’t want to break any American laws.”

President Obama Freezes BP Assets until Oil Spill Fixed

Washington, DC – BP CEO Tony Hayward woke up to the news Monday morning that President Obama had taken the drastic step of freezing every last penny of BP’s assets, including bank accounts the world over, stock portfolios, and even the cash Hayward himself had in his wallet, until every last drop of oil is cleaned up and the leak is fixed.

“That should cook their goose,” he heard the President say as he listened to the news report on the clock radio beside his bed. “Unless and until this tiny little man wakes up and smells the oil, there will be no more free lunch from the United States, and I mean that literally. That little lunch counter he and his oil buddies frequent down by the water every day as they sit there and soak up the sun is now officially off-limits. Besides, he’s gonna be as poor as a church mouse come about noon today, so that’s a moot point.”

Hayward reached for a cigarette with trembling hands and lit one up as he sat there contemplating his next move. “Ah-ha,” he said under his breath although no one was in the room with him, the President doesn’t know about the stash of hundred dollar bills I keep in my socks. But just as he got the words out of his mouth, the President continued, “oh and Tony, if you’re listening, we already know about the roll of hundreds you keep in your sock for emergencies. We’re gonna get that too, every last cent of it.”

“And to make sure you understand the severity of this situation, Mr. Hayward,” continued the President, “we are sending someone up there immediately to your fancy hotel room and helping you get packed. We’ve found a sweet little shrimp shack on the edge of the water in Blurgwenchtth Bayou, where you’ll spend the rest of the time in Louisiana until that oil mess is taken care of.” “Blurgwenchtth, what the fu*k kinda name is Blurgwenchtth,” whispered Hayward.

Just as Hayward was getting ready to put all his belongings in his suitcase and bolt for the door, he heard a knock on the door and froze in panic. He didn’t make a peep as the knocking got louder and louder. Finally, a key was inserted and the door opened a crack, “Mr. Hayward, Mr. Hayward? This is your 7 o’clock wake up call.”