Red Rover Game of Choice for Tea Party Republicans

Seriously, a Jobs Bill? That's the best you got?

“Red Rover. Red Rover, send a budget plan right over,” yelled Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) while linking his arms together tightly with his fellow Republican lawmakers to assure that any legislation, good or bad, wouldn’t make it through their barrier.

Washington insiders are saying that with the newly-elected freshman Tea Party legislators comes a whole new game plan.

“Before we were elected,” says Sen. Paul, “the House and Senate were playing one of the oldest games in the book--Chicken. Problem was, with the elections right around the corner, neither side was willing to ‘get run off the road’ for their beliefs.”

Paul claims that the game Chicken, if played right, can be a highly effective tool for producing the changes he feels are needed in Washington. But Paul contends that the “wussy factor” is much higher when politicians play Chicken, especially during an election year.

Now that he and other younger, more determined Republicans have just entered the scene and aren’t facing the threat of losing their jobs anytime soon, Paul says they needed a game that would show the American public just how far they were willing to go in order to get their way in Washington.

“We’re all pretty much willing to up the ante and play a much more serious game,” said Paul, “and out of all the games out there, Red Rover just really clicks with us.”

Paul claims Red Rover was one of his favorite games to play as a young boy growing up in Texas, and he couldn’t be happier that the game has found its way into his adult life.

“There are so many ways you can play Red Rover,” said Paul, who believes the game offers more strategic options than Chicken.

Senator Marco Rubio (R-Florida) agreed wholeheartedly with his teammate.

Rubio claims that he and his colleagues are adamant about standing strong against any legislation that promotes a socialist agenda, but insists at the same time, there are a few instances where it may be necessary to allow one or two small bills through.

“While we’ve all taken a vow to prevent the passing of any legislation that would remotely make President Obama look like an effective leader,” says Rubio, “we also want to pass laws that are going to benefit us as a group, and the game of Red Rover allows us to do that much more effectively than Chicken without anyone calling us a bunch of wussies.”

Joe Biden Takes on Fatherly Role at Debt Ceiling Talks

Vice President Joe Biden is using a unique approach when it comes to dealing with the petulant freshman Senators who aren’t budging an inch on the debt ceiling talks. Treating them like his sons, he has taken on a fatherly role in trying to convince them to come to some sort of agreement on how to get the budget crisis under control.

There are two such Senators who are particularly frustrating his efforts though, i.e. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and Rand Paul (R-Kentucky).

Here are just a few of the comments attributed to Joe Biden during the debt ceiling talks:

I just cannot get through to you. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Do you live to annoy me?

Do you think this debt ceiling is going to raise itself?

Don’t make me bang my gavel.

How do you know you don’t like any of the proposals if you’ve never read them? Try just one and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to agree to it.

Keep it up and one day your face is gonna freeze that way.

I don’t care what the other Vice Presidents are doing. I’m your Vice President and what I say goes.

If you can’t say something constructive, don’t say anything at all.

‘I don’t know’ is not an answer.

I hope someday you become a Vice President. Then we’ll see how smart you are.

Now go back out and come back in without slamming the door this time.

Leaving the talks? Is that a threat or a promise?

People in Hades want ice water. That doesn’t mean they’re gonna get it.

Why? Because I said so that’s why.

You’re not leaving this room until you’ve finished your debate.

I brought you into these talks and I can take you out.

You boys have tuckered me out. Now, run along and play so I can take my nap.

Virginia Invites Kentucky to be its Sister State after Rand Paul Win

Richmond, VA – The Virginia Governor has introduced a measure to the Virginia House of Representatives that formally invites the state of Kentucky to be Virginia’s sister state. Normally, a state will invite a foreign state (as in outside of the United States) to become their sister state, but in this case, the legislature is making an exception. According to an official government spokesperson, “Virginia doesn’t need to look outside the United States for sisters, cause they got some pretty good lookin’ ones right here.”

House Representative Hal Horsense from Lynchburg stated that as soon as the results of the primary elections in Kentucky were announced and Rand Paul had been voted in as the GOP choice for Senator, Virginia kinda figured that they weren’t the only state in the union with radical ideas for the future. “But the icin’ that was drapped on the cake, so t’ speak,” said Horsense, “was when ol’ Rand got up thar and came right out and said it like it is. When Rand told everone that a business has the right to deny services to anyone it chooses, that is the freedom of the Constitution speaking right thar through Rand.”

Keeping in line with the Virginia Governor’s desire to include the Confederacy’s rich heritage in its upcoming  150^th Anniversary celebration, an official invitation is being readied to invite Kentucky to join Virginia in recognition of the two states’ commitment to getting back to the original intent of the forefathers (with the exception of Thomas Jefferson), and forge ahead with a common goal, “to unite the American’s America.”

In addition to having a common fondness (not in a sexual way) for Rand Paul, the two states have a few other things in common. For instance, many might not know that Kentucky was actually a part of Virginia before becoming its own state. But there are other way more important things that inextricably link these two states such as their mutual love of guns (sometimes in a sexual way), love of country, and love of country music. “All in all,” says Horsense, “we see this as a natural progression to bring a brother and his sister back together again.”

But what about other states with the same ideals such as South Carolina, Arkansas and Alabama? Why haven’t they been asked to become sister states? Said Horsense, “That’s a darned good question and one we’ve been rasslin’ with. We are tryin’ to come up with some sorta solution and the best one so far is t’ maybe just make ‘em our ‘kissin’ cousin’ states.”

Gang War Brewing Between Tea Party Movement and the GOP

Hicksville, USA - “You put him out there, now you reel him in, and fast,” said Senator John Bohner (R-Ohio), who surprised everyone with his sudden outrage directed at this young, Strom Thurmond-esque uber conservative known as Rand Paul, “or I’ll make a quick trip down to Kentucky and put an end once and for all to this little free radical.” This is just the latest in a line of threats coming from the GOP against the Tea Party Movement over newly elected Senate choice, Rand Paul, after Paul began to tell America how he really feels about the Civil Rights Act.

The issue that everyone believes is at the core of this territorial battle is Rand’s response to the question, “should private businesses be allowed to discriminate based on color or race?” which Rand is skirting, but nonetheless appears to be leaning heavily toward a big yes. But that isn’t truly what this is all about. Nosiree, it goes deeper than that, deeper than the Deep South itself. It’s about a root core of beliefs that go so deep, you couldn’t mine them up even if you used a 21” tube inside a pipe.

What this is about is a bunch of “loose lipped wild boars running roughshod over the decades of hard groundwork the GOP has laid for the conservatives in this party to have a set core of beliefs but, and this is an important but, to keep them hidden just below the surface so as to appear on their face to be anti-racist. We’ve worked hard at this and now this Rand fellow comes along and makes us all out to be hypocrites in one fell swoop,” said Karl Rove in an address to the Freedom Foundation of Southern Heritages in Mammysville, Missouri.

In response to the charge that Rand is giving the GOP a bad name, Sarah Palin has once again come forward as the not-yet-named-but-pretty-much-a-shoe-in spokesperson for the Tea Party Movement. “Ok, so here’s what we all need to do about this Rand fella, or is it Paul? Gosh I’m not sure if I should call him Paul Rand or Rand Paul. I sure hate those double first names, or is Rand a second name and Paul his first name? Who names their kid Rand anyways for gosh sakes?”