Governor Scott Walker Sells State Naming Rights to Wal-Mart

Wisconsin governor, Scott Walker makes no excuses for his heavy-handed push to privatize the entire state of Wisconsin while he is head honcho. His first big move, of course, was to get rid of collective bargaining for public workers in order to set the stage for big business to come in and set up shop in the education and public works departments, making the word ‘public’ a thing of the past.

Today, Scott Walker announced that he has brokered a multi-billion dollar deal with the largest discount retailer in the United States, Wal-Mart, allowing the retail giant to re-name the State of Wisconsin ‘New Wal-Mart.’

“Lest anyone have doubts about just how serious I am about switching from a public-run state to a privatized one, the re-naming of Wisconsin today to New Wal-Mart should pretty much seal the deal,” said Walker. “Henceforth and heretofore, make no mistake about it. New Wal-Mart is just the beginning.”

Asked if the residents of Wisconsin may become confused when going out to shop in their favorite store and not knowing if they are getting beef or pork, Walker responded “no, not at all. One obviously is a dinner item and the other is a legislative process.” In fact, Walker seemed a bit irritated that he had to answer such an inane question from a reporter working at the new state-run newspaper, the ATT Times-Picayune.

Unfortunately, said one political strategist, Walker’s very move to sell the naming rights of the state to Wal-Mart will almost certainly spell the immediate doom of the newly elected governor. “What Mr. Walker failed realize is that by selling off the State of Wisconsin to private concerns, his job as a public employee is now obsolete.”

Leading Eyeglass Lens Manufacturer Offering 3-D Bi-Focals

HOLA International, a leading eyeglass lens manufacturer, has developed a line of bi-focals that allow the wearer to watch 3-D movies and television without the need for additional glasses. The company has also come up contact lenses that can be worn only for viewing this type of technology. The lenses come in regular and prescription strengths.

Said a HOLA International company spokesperson, “with the recent technological breakthroughs in broadcasting in 3-D, we wanted to be the first company to offer a stylish alternative to viewers instead of the geeky paper and plastic versions now being sold at movie theaters. Our 3-D glasses will revolutionize the industry and make it cheaper for most to go to the movies because they won’t be charged $3 to $5 extra for a pair of cheap, throwaway 3-D glasses. In addition, with 3-D TV coming into homes, it will be essential to have a pair of glasses or lenses that will last for more than 2 or 3 viewings.”

In addition, HOLA is pairing with ZEBRA Vision, manufacturer of distinctly different contact lenses, to offer a “Way Out There” collection of 3-D contact lenses, including the “8 ball”, “Eyes that Follow You”, “Hellfire”, “Dead Eye,” “Lizard Alien”, and “Vampire Red” models which will allow the wearer to watch their favorite 3-D shows in character.

Wal-Mart and LensCrafters are expected to have the first of this kind of 3-D glasses and lenses in stores by June of this year, just in time for another round of 3-D blockbuster summer hits in theaters across America.

Mark of the Beast “666” Encoded on Holiday Gift Cards

A record number of Christians have been flooding their local Wal-Mart stores and asking for replacements for the gift cards they received for Christmas due to the fact that they claim the mark of the beast “666” has been encoded within the card.

Although the card numbers themselves do not contain the number 666, customers have complained that when they go to Wal-Mart intending to use the cards to purchase items, their purchases almost always total out to either $6.66, $66.66 or for larger purchases $666 and change.

Word among churches has spread like wildfire and Christians are afraid to use their cards for fear that their purchases will ring up to the dreaded 666 number and they will face retribution in these end times. “It is scary how many people are coming up to me and telling me that they’ve gotten purchases rung up that total $6.66 or $66.66,” said Rev. James “Gimmy” Moore of the Last Church of the Redemption in Trimble, MO. “Sometimes it happens when folks are just paying cash too, which baffles us. We are thinking that this thing is much bigger than just gift cards, and may go to the very heart of Wal-Mart’s computer systems.”

Yonna Nealdown claims that she’s also seen the phenomenon in the price tags attached to women's clothing being sold at Wal-Mart. According to Yonna, “I was looking at tags in the ladies’ lingerie section and found a batch of very provocative lacy bras which were all encoded with the number 5546664532, 5546664533, 5546664534, etc. I wrote those numbers down because (1) when I looked at the plain cotton bras in the section, none of them had numbers with 666 in them; and (2) I remembered hearing something about the 666 number being attached to items that were associated with the devil’s work.”

Yonna then went to her local Target to check the tags in their lingerie department and none of them bore the mark of the beast. “This really proves it to me,” said Yonna, “that Satan is working through Wal-Mart and unless they start listening to their Christian customers, there is going to be hell to pay. I’ll definitely have something to talk about in church come Sunday morning.”

To follow up on this story, we decided to make a visit to Wal-Mart’s headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas to find out if they were intentionally encoding their products to ring up to any number of 666 totals but were told that we would not be granted an interview on such a bogus claim. So there you have it. Not only is Wal-Mart encoding their computers to pay homage to the beast himself, but they refuse to acknowledge or deny these rumors when given the chance.