How to Tell if Your Neighbor Drinks Too Much

Originally Posted 6/29/09

I am sure we've all run across a neighbor or two in our lifetime that just could not say no to a drink. Every neighborhood has at least one “Otis” of Mayberry fame, who goes through life thinking everyone else is the one with the problem. If you think you might have a neighbor with a drinking problem, but you're just not that sure, here are a few signs you can look for in determining whether or not to keep your stash of favorite beer inside your house instead of in the garage refrigerator.

Signs that your neighbor may drink too much:

You’re starting to hear “hey, you got any beer?” in your sleep.

He just put in a new swimming pool, paid for entirely from proceeds of his recycled aluminum cans.

He thinks a boozehound is a breed of dog.

He filed a lawsuit against the local restaurant for discrimination for sending him a coupon for free food, that excluded alcoholic beverages.

The local beer distributor makes regular stops to his home.

One day his wife rearranged the furniture while he was out, and he thought they'd moved.

Every time you try to tell him about the 12-step program, he tells you he can’t even learn the two-step.

He borrows your rider mower, and you later see it parked at the local bar.

He quotes Homer Simpson.

The waste department sends out a special recycling truck every week just to handle his empties.

Every time someone tells him he needs to go to AA, he claims he’s not a member.

He drives a late model Schwinn.

When introducing himself, he says, “Hi, my name’s Scooter, but everyone calls me Bud.”

He’s the only guy at a picnic who can use his belly as a tray table.

He constantly brags about the money he saves “watering the bushes.”

He thinks getting ahead means pouring his beer into a glass very, very fast.

The local Mini-Mart has been re-named “Bud’s” in honor of his patronage.

And…You need a million proofs of purchase to get one Budweiser outdoor awning. He’s got 5.

So, if after reading this list you still aren’t sure if your neighbor is a tippler, sit outside on the front lawn some evening with your wife and a little cooler of beer and see how many seconds it takes for him to walk on up and ask “hey, ya got any more beer?”

Forget Doomsday Prophecies; Beer Prices are Skyrocketing

Another Friday the 13th came and went without incident. It's as if the Universe doesn't take itself seriously anymore. Mars can run retrograde and Saturn can be humping Venus (relatively speaking of course) and still life goes on without so much as a blip.

Until now. Quietly staying behind in the shadows was the bad news of the century waiting its turn to slap the face of every serious beer guzzler out there. Thursday's business section, August 12th, jumping the gun on every conceivable Friday the 13th doomsday scenario, "The price of a pint may be going up 40%!"

Forget killer bugs, killer storms and the worst oil spill in history. What we're faced with now is an alcoholic tsunami unlike any we've ever seen in history. Without cheap beer to get us through these tough times, we are basically screwed.

When the economy is bad, beer has always been there to help us out of the abyss, to make things seem alright even if only for a short time while we lay sprawled on the floor of some pub, oblivious to the terrible disasters occurring around us. If we awoke with a feeling of dread, we just hobbled down to the quickie mart and bought some more brain balm and again, the world was rosy.

But brain balm is now gonna cost more and with the economy the way it is, some are going to have to forego essentials like rent and groceries to keep the malty medicament flowing. Oh, make no mistake, we'll find the money somehow. Sell our blood or a kidney, rob a bank, hit the folks up for their social security checks first of the month. The money will find its way to the barkeeps' tills one way or another, but wouldn't it be nice, just once, to hear this bit of news, "Beer prices down this quarter, drinks all around."