Ashton Kutcher Claims He’d Be a Fantastic Model if He Weren’t Such an Awesome Actor

"Wait a sec, that isn't me" said Ashton Kutcher
as he was being congratulated on his wardrobe choice

Looking quite dashing in a turquoise blue velvet waistcoat and matching ascot the other evening while waiting for the attendant to bring his car around, we took the opportunity to ask Ashton Kutcher if he ever considered becoming a model instead of an actor.

“Why, no, not officially,” was Kutcher’s answer. “But now that you mention it, I’m sure I would make one fantastic model if it weren’t for my awesome acting career.”

One has to agree that people like Ashton Kutcher have more talent in their little pinky than most of us do in our index and ring fingers combined. Kutcher seemed happy for the opportunity to discuss just how talented he is.

Without prompting, he continued “Why, I’ll bet you if I put my mind to it, I could even sing opera. I have a feeling that if I weren’t such a darned good actor, I’d probably be appearing right now at the Metropolitan Opera House,” he said, unable to mask his self-adoration. “Of course, I don’t really like opera all that well, but I guess I could stomach it if that’s what my fans wanted.”

Reflecting further, the unabashed celebrity told us that he would love to try his hand at painting as well, or photography, but that once he created his first masterpiece, he’d be so busy keeping up with the demand for his art that he wouldn’t be able to audition for upcoming parts in television shows.

“It is just a matter of time before Two and a Half Men films its last episode,” said Kutcher, “and then I’ll be in such high demand that I just couldn’t see myself doing anything other than starring in films, television ads, and plays. I am just that incredible,” he said. “But thanks ever so much for asking.”

Michaele Salahi Snorts Heroin to Get Back on Celebrity Rehab

Michaele Salahi was recently kicked off the reality show Celebrity Rehab due to the fact that she couldn’t produce a discernable addiction. Now, her husband Tareq has threatened to sue if they don’t take her back.

The Salahis claim that Michaele is probably more messed up than anyone on the show, but not having a visible addiction or affliction is keeping her from being able to participate in the rehabilitation program. So, in a last-ditch effort, the Salahis have taken what money they have left and bought a large amount of heroin. Michaele has been snorting the stuff several times daily in an effort to get herself hooked to the point where she is damaged enough to appear on the show to see if she can get herself off the stuff and rehabilitated.

In a letter to the show’s Dr. Drew, Tareq writes “My bitch Michaele is on the horse, man, and I can’t get her off the smack. We busted into the White House but now we have the White House monkey on our back. Dr. Dude, we need your help.”

Sources close to Dr. Drew claim that he is still not buying into the whole Salahi ruse. “If, in fact, Michaele is doing heroin to get on the show, she needs help,” he said. “She won’t find it here. This is called ‘Celebrity Rehab’ for a reason.”