Almost 20 Tons of Unwanted Drugs Turned in to DEA

For a second year, the DEA has organized a drug take-back initiative event at 6 sites throughout New England to collect unused prescription medications from those residents who no longer want or need them.

Unfortunately, just like last year, the prescription medications showing up at the collection sites are just harmless, out-of-date, non-narcotic formulas, dropped off by concerned senior citizens happy to help their government out.

Myrtle Jenkins, 86, of Providence, Rhode Island showed up to one site with a whole bag of prescription-strength anti-diarrheal, eye wash, and skin rash products, some dating all the way back to 1997. “Now that I have Medicare,” she said, “I can afford the good stuff. You know, the stuff that makes you feel a little funny. This crap doesn’t do a thing for me.”

Several others who showed up had the same comments. Seniors from all over were giving up their crap and bragging that the good stuff is still locked up in their medicine cabinets.

One DEA agent confirmed that indeed, all the surrendered drugs weren’t worth a dime and he wasn’t really sure who came up with the whole drug take-back initiative. “Guns, yeah, I can see. They’re dangerous and we need to get them off the streets. But prescription-strength, 10-year old calamine lotion with a mild analgesic? Christ, I could be back home watching the Red Sox right now getting hammered and have more fun than this.”

Officer Stan “Woody” Perkins agreed. “We got all excited when a little guy came up to us with a bag full of what looked to be little blue pills. We thought we’d hit the mother lode,” said Perkins. When we inspected further, however, it just turned out to be a bagful of out-dated, generic beta blockers.” Perkins says that’s when they decided to pack it in and call it a day. “Who needs this crap?” he said.

When reminded that the whole idea behind drug take-back initiatives was the safe disposal of unwanted drugs, Perkins said he understood, but at the same time said the whole program, in his mind, was a waste of taxpayers’ money.

Asked what the law enforcement officers did with all the pills they collected in this last round up, Perkins said that he and another officer drew the short straws and they got “dumping duty,” meaning they had to collect all the bags and make a run to the local landfill. “So much for helping out Ma Nature,” he said, “unless she’s got a bad case of the runs.”

Perkins says the worst part of all of this is that he volunteered for the job. “You better believe I’m gonna ask for my old job back after this. When asked what that was, Perkins answered “I went on search and destroy missions to various large pot farms. The worst part about that job was not having enough doughnuts and coffee for everyone once we lit that bonfire.”

Cloak of Death Nets $1M at Sotheby's Auction

New York, NY – The New York office of Sotheby’s has disclosed that the original Cloak of Death, worn by Death himself, has been auctioned off for the amazing sum of $1M. The cloak was reportedly put up for auction by the heirs of one of the last surviving members of Hitler’s Third Reich, who wanted nothing to do with the cloak’s dark history.

According to stories surrounding the cloak, anyone who comes in contact with it eventually dies. “It could be days, weeks, months, even years, but eventually, you are going to die if you come in contact with this cloak. It is the most evil piece of clothing I have ever encountered,” said the seller of the cloak. “The proof of this lies in the fact that I am an heir of the estate of the last owner of the horrible shroud. He had to die before I could inherit it. I am hoping to cheat death by auctioning the cloak off before it can affect me and cause my death as well.”

The name of the purchaser of this infamous shroud was not immediately known. A ghost bidder was sent in his place to ensure his anonymity. However, sources close to Sotheby’s have indicated that the highest bid came from a resident of Casper, Wyoming. Without giving too much information, the spokesperson indicated that this mystery buyer has a history of buying infamous tools of torture for his collection, including several stakes used by Vlad the Impaler (the original Dracula) to impale his enemies during the 15th Century, several torture racks used during the famous Spanish Inquisition and lesser known Portuguese and Roman Inquisitions, and quite a handsome collection of old rusty dental implements.

In addition to torture equipment, the collector is said to possess some of the most rare and hard-to-find books ever written on the subject of torture, including the “Handbook for Inquisitors” written in 1578; “No Respect for Martyrs” written by Drew Asword in 1758; and the more recent “Tools That Make Them Talk” written in 1944 by Heinrich Munchinhausen, while languishing in his hideaway in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

It is said that Death continues to search for his cloak, and once he finds it, will wreak havoc on all those who bought and sold it so recklessly. To escape this wrath, the owner has to prove that he is just as evil, if not more so, than Death himself. Could this recent purchase be the end of the curse of the Cloak of Death?