Possible DB Cooper Sighting at Occupy Fernwood 2 Night Event in Ohio

It has been 40 years since the infamous hijacking of a Boeing 747 between Seattle and Portland by alleged hijacker, Dan “DB” Cooper. While many clues have turned out to be false and the most hunted man in America has never been found, police in Fernwood, Ohio are working on a solid lead that may finally help them nab the elusive extortionist.

Longtime Fernwood resident Chuck Saugis claims that late one night last week, while he and Happy Kine were enjoying a six pack of Latrobe’s Best and trying to remember the words to “Polka Your Pants Off,” they were approached by a bearded thin man who told them “I just flew in from Seattle and boy are my arms tired,” and then laughed and said he was joking of course.

The three men then struck up a conversation while manning the only Occupy America event in the region. The sign carried by Cooper (if indeed it was Cooper) read “Americans are being hijacked by Wall Street.”

By the time Saugis could get someone to come over and verify what the two merrymakers had seen, the strange man had vanished, leaving only a rag-tag cloth bank bag with the name of the lending institution worn off and, of course, a protest sign written on the blank side of an A & P Supermarket store box.

“What are the chances of us finally taking the time to get out there and become a part of this wonderful movement,” said Kine, “and running into one of the most notorious cold case personas of our time?”

“Better yet,” said Saugis, “what are the chances that there were three of us and two beers apiece?”

Mall Santas to Goldman Sachs: Hand Over the Vaccine

New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the thousands of Mall Santas across the country, who are going into this holiday season woefully unprepared to face one of the deadliest flu viruses to hit the world in recent memory. “If Virginia were alive today,” said one jolly old elf, “she’d be at high risk of catching a deadly disease from her most loved adult figure. Yes, Virginia, there is a swine flu-carrying Santa Claus after all.”

The latest in a number of organizations that have stepped up recently to implore Goldman Sachs to do the right thing by giving up their doses of the vaccine to more deserving at-risk organizations, the Santas claim that their need is greatest due to the fact that in just over a week, they are going to be forced to come in direct contact with what one Santa referred to as “little Petrie dishes that sit on our laps.” There is a good possibility that kids could get more than just toys for Christmas, i.e. a case of the deadly swine flu.

For this reason, the Santas are pulling out all the stops to convince the hale and hearty executives at Goldman to give back the vaccine, including threatening to put each and every one of them on their “naughty” list. Said one mall Santa, “You don’t even wanna go there, especially with the country already up in arms about those bonuses.”

The CDC, while not specifically siding with the Santas, does agree that not only are the children at risk of contracting swine flu by chancing an impromptu visit to their local Mall Santa, but the Santas themselves are in a higher risk category due to the fact that most are considered obese, a risk factor that figures heavily (no pun intended) in contracting the virus. “All those years of milk and cookies and candy canes have really taken a toll on Old St. Nick,” commented the Center’s official spokesperson.

While waiting on Goldman to “do the right thing,” the AMS has issued the following statement for all Mall Santas in order to cut down on the risk of contracting the deadly swine flu virus or spreading it to their tiny visitors:

“Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize. Most Santas are no stranger to alcohol, but this year especially, use as much alcohol as you can to kill those pesky germs. There is no better sterilizer on the planet. And for the outside of the body, use germicidal soap and hand sanitizer often.”