American Expatriates in Mexico Feeling Sting of Arizona Law

Todos Santos, Mexico - American baby boomers, flush with money, have been making their way down to Mexico’s Baja coast for a decade or more as expatriates trying to escape the high cost of living in the United States. They’re doing anything they can to make their retirement dollars stretch while, at the same time, enjoying a better-than-average lifestyle by the ocean. So you can understand why they are more than a little peeved at their cousins still in the north, back in Arizona, who have taken it upon themselves to make things very difficult for Americans choosing to live south of the border.

Case in point, Todos Santos. The expatriates who have found this lovely place are happy for it not to become another Cabo San Lucas, with it’s exhorbitant food and drink prices, cruise ships full of pushy tourists, and hotels blocking the lovely sea view. But the Mexicans are angry at America right now and are realizing that the best way they can get back at them is to invite them onto their lovely beaches and then over-charge them for everything from a banana to a cabana.

Syliva Brownstead of Hoboken, New Jersey says she is heartbroken over Arizona’s recent decision to make it difficult for anyone of Hispanic descent, particularly, to go about their daily business in that state. “I think the law just stinks.”

When told that most non-Hispanic Arizonans were happy with the law and that it was refreshing to see someone sticking up for the Mexicans for a change, she replied, “Mexicans, Schmexicans, the law stinks because it’s causing me so much agita down here. I used to go down to the beach in the morning and get a couple of breakfast tacos for the equivalent of around twenty-five cents. Now they’re charging two bucks for each. And on Margarita Mondays, we used to get two for one. Now we’re lucky to get one for less than $5.00 a pop, and that’s with third-shelf tequila.”

Joe Bendover, from Providence, Rhode Island agrees. “Up north, we’d have to always eat dinner in the late afternoon to take advantage of early-bird prices. Came down here and we were able to relax on the beach all day and then take our time getting ready for dinner at the local cantina around 6:30 or 7 p.m. and enjoy a fantastic meal for a half of what the early-bird prices were in America. But not anymore, last Tuesday I see a sign that says early-bird dinner 3-4 p.m. and a price that was fifty cents less than the regular menu. Great, you say, right? Sure, except that the regular menu is now double what it was last week. Thanks a lot, Arizona, you buncha bazookas.”

But the real story down here is the attitude. Says Brownstone, “I used to get a criada (maid) to come to my hacienda two times a week and she’d clean my entire house for around $7 each day, with a smile on her face, no less. Great money for her and I had more time at the beach. But no more. Now, if I want someone to come do my cleaning, I have to hire one of the other expatriate women who are low on cash due to rising prices to clean for me and I’m lucky to get them to come once a month, let alone twice a week. And their going rate is $25 an hour! I may as well move back to Jersey.”

“The Mexican women have all banded against us and have realized that they can make more money cleaning local hotels now that the rates have risen through the ceiling. Let me tell you, you’re better off cleaning your own house if all you can get is another American to do it.”

Virgin Mary Likeness Found in Mexican Meth Lab Stain

Unconfirmed reports out of Mexico are claiming that a stain on a bench in a meth lab located in the small town of Arre Pentido bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Villagers have flocked to the meth lab to view the image for themselves and to pray for miracles. Lines have formed with people bearing candles, flowers and statues of the Virgin Mary to place at the site of the image.

It is believed that the first miracle has already shown itself in the fact that the person who first witnessed the image, a man working alone at the time, reportedly fell to his knees as if in a trance and began praying just before he set about smashing all of the equipment in the lab, vowing to return to a life without crime.

Jesús (pronounced Hezus) Carpintero, the 23-year old worker at the lab when the alleged stain appeared, spoke from his jail cell about the discovery and what led to his arrest. In rapid speech, Jesús recounted his story. “I thought I was just getting high from the fumes when I saw the virgin in the stain,” he said, “but the more I looked at it, the more it started to look like her and then it seemed as if she spoke to me. She called me Jesús, which really freaked me out, you know? Because my name is Jesús and she said Jesús, lay down the drugs and give your life to Christ, which really freaked me out because, like it was like Jesús giving his life to Jesús, you know? And that’s when I passed out.”

When asked what else he remembered, Jesús recalled, “when I came to, the stain was still there and there were all these people trying to crawl over me and get to the stain to place candles at the site and to pray, and the police were handcuffing me and I realized that I had smashed everything in the place, and destroyed the meth lab and I was sore afraid of my boss finding out, but all I can remember at that point was trying to figure out if I was Jesús or if Jesús was me.”

Then, Jesús looked away for a minute and when he spoke again, the glow about him was diminished and he sounded more like the common criminal most knew him as. Realizing that he was being held for criminal activities, he continued cautiously. “I will never forget what I think I saw, although I cannot remember much more than that now, and even now, I’m not sure if I even was in a meth lab or just in my bedroom when the police mistook me for some guy who makes meth. But now I’m pretty sure this all is a big mistake,” he said before refusing to speak to anyone else about his ordeal.

Each day, the devoted return to visit the stain. They remove the boards that have been placed over the doors and windows of the meth lab shack so that they may gain entry into the proclaimed holy site. When told of the supposed miracle, Padre Filipe Iguales Calderon, the village priest, crossed himself, and pointed to a half dozen other known meth labs in the village and said, “Come see me as well, Blessed Mother; let me show you around my country, err town.”