Pope Spends Holy Weekend Fending Off Hostile Takeover of Church

A large group of German, American and Irish former altar boys, who have become rich by settling their long-standing claims of sexual abuse by members of the Catholic Church clergy, have pooled their money and asked the World Bank to back them in a bid to buy the Catholic Church.

Going by the name of GAI, the group claims, among other things, that if it were not for the abuse suffered at the hands of their beloved priests while in their formative sexual years, they would not have turned out the way they are now, i.e. most are closeted homosexuals fearful of going out into public and further spreading their gayness to other males.

The members of GAI truly believe they have been cursed with an affliction not unlike that of the lepers. They believe that if they buy the Church, keep it closed only to existing homosexuals, and not allow any new altar boys to become victims of Catholic clergy members who are lying in wait to prey on them, then the generational cycle of abuse will finally end. The existing pedophiles will simply have to make do with their circumstances and the abhorrent priests will eventually be left to feed off each other until they finally perish or go blind, whichever comes first.

Said one GAI member, “although we cannot save ourselves, we plan on cutting off the priests’ never-ending supply of fresh boys forever in an effort to put an end to this centuries-old cycle of abuse. Only then can the Catholic Church get back to the business of selling religion to the masses. It may take a few generations to get the Church back in working order. In the meantime, parishioners will have to find some other religion to fill their needs. Perhaps the Episcopalians would be generous enough to take them into their fold.”

Said one high-ranking American Catholic cardinal from Wisconsin when told of this plan, “We do not know what to make of this. I mean, what in the world could have made them think this? Sure, having a homosexual experience at an early age may confuse a young boy. I know in my case, I was extremely confused. But to say that it is an affliction? I don’t feel afflicted. Maybe conflicted, but certainly not afflicted.”

Pope to Pedophile Priests: Eat More Fish

Vatican – It appears that Pope Benedict XVI has had an epiphany with regards to the sex scandal that has continued to plague the Catholic Church—lack of fish in a priest’s diet can lead to inappropriate sexual behavior toward young men.

The Pope has asked the Vatican physicians to look into the possibility that since priests are no longer officially required to abstain from consuming meat on Fridays, the levels of mercury in their systems from lack of fish has dropped significantly. It is a well-known fact that mercury levels in one’s body contributes to high blood pressure and in most cases can only be treated with blood pressure medications that tend to suppress the male sex drive.

With fewer priests consuming fish these days, the mercury levels in these individuals have dropped, alleviating the need for blood pressure medications that typically have the side effect of causing a reduced desire for sex. In addition, the over-consumption of meat leads to more protein in the body. Protein is essential for a healthy sexual drive in the male body. The end result is that priests’ libidos are in full-swing again contributing to their unsavory appetite for sex.

In a review of the cases involving sexual improprieties, the Pope noted that only during the Lenten season was there a significant drop in complaints of a sexual nature against the Church, which confirms his suspicions. Fish is consumed in large amounts during much of February and into March and early April, but after that, the amount of fish consumed falls off dramatically and that is when complaints of sexual abuse begin to see a sharp rise.

The Pope has written a Pastoral Letter to all priests and bishops in Ireland and Germany requiring them to consume fish at least 3 times or more per week. “Abstinence now is not the answer. We must eat as much fish as we can to keep the blood pressure elevated so as to suppress our un-Godly desires.” Dubbed the “Loaves and Fishes Path to Salvation,” the Pope hopes that this simplistic approach to the Church’s most embarrassing scandal will be as effective as when Jesus was able to feed the multitudes of followers with just a few fish and couple loaves of bread.

When asked if this plan of action is a bit extraordinary considering the adverse medical implications it can have on Catholic priests, the Pope seemed nonplussed. On the one hand, if something isn’t done quickly, the Catholic Church may face bankruptcy. On the other hand, the Church sees this as an appropriate physical act of contrition. To them, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to ask those priests who are having a hard time abstaining from sex to risk their health on a small scale to help the Church get back into the good graces of its parishioners.

Rumors that the Pope has a back-up plan to spike all priests’ food with chemicals designed to inhibit their libidos are unsubstantiated; however, an undisclosed source indicated that Vatican physicians have been “asking around” about chemical castration as a possible solution to the growing problem.