Labor Day Cancelled

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.”

That, coupled with the fact that labor unions are no longer a threat to companies in America as they no longer wield the power they once did over employers to demand they give their employees the day off, the Labor Day holiday has pretty much become obsolete.

As a result of the federal holiday being cancelled, Labor Day sales across America have been cancelled as well. Subsequently, most stores that traditionally put summer items on sale during this time have actually raised their prices by as much as 20%. One of the largest retailers in America, Wal-mart, claims that they’ve had to temporarily remove their company icon, the yellow smiley face, as it is no longer indicative of how their customers feel about their prices.

“All in all, Labor Day this year and on a go-forward basis has been cancelled,” said U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, “so get over it. Now, everyone back to work,” she said jokingly.

Orange Man Boehner Delights Chinese Business Leaders, Disappoints Constituents

The Chinese, long associated with being the yellow race, have found a friend in a man whose face color reminds them of their grandfathers when they get very angry—orange. There is an old saying in China that goes something like “when my yellow grandfather gets a red face, he is an orange ogre.”

Businessmen from all over China have begun telling this ancient tale again after meeting and speaking with John Boehner, who, for all intents and purposes, has become the number one link between China and the United States Chamber of Commerce. A real Manchurian Candidate if you will.

Why are the Chinese so enamored with the orange man from Ohio? Clearly it is because he has promised to continue to allow almost every disposable piece of junk that Americans consume in this country to be made by overseas workers, overseas workers who have been so generously endowed with the jobs that Americans claim are being taken away from them.

Not only do the Chinese love and revere Boehner, but so do the American businessmen who are banking on the large tax cuts Boehner has planned for them if they take advantage of outsourcing even more jobs overseas. Nicknamed “Orange Aid,” Boehner plans on making it quite clear that the only way for large American businesses to thrive in today’s economic hard times is to be able to cut corners and the only way to do that is to pay foreign workers pennies on the dollar.

Asked what he tells his constituents who are out of work in his hometown district in southwestern Ohio, Boehner tells it like it is. “Stop your whining. If we made things here, they would cost you an arm and a leg. Be thankful there are countries who provide cheap labor so you can buy a Mr. Coffee for under ten bucks.”