Texas Consults with Rush Limbaugh on Textbook Changes

The Texas Board of Education, whose majority members are of the more conservative Republican persuasion, has voted to make substantial changes to the Social Studies curriculum in their schools and to re-write the textbooks that accompany that curriculum. In a vote of 10 to 5, the board also voted to approve having radio host and political pundit Rush Limbaugh serve as chief consultant on the project mainly because they believe that “Limbaugh’s Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies” is the ultimate source for much of what they wish to teach young minds in Texas and ultimately the entire United States.

“Said Esther Sessions, board spokeswoman, “first of all, the most radical change in textbook content will be to infuse Christian values back into the ‘leaning’ of history. We refer to this as ‘Christian leaning,’ not learning, as it leans back into the type of studies God originally intended. Rush Limbaugh’s knowledge will significantly enhance the leaning taught through our new curriculum.”

Following these guidelines, the textbooks will look radically different. For instance, every chapter will begin with a Bible verse such as you might see on the handouts you receive in church. “Lord knows there is a verse to suit every lesson, and if we can’t find a verse to fit the lesson, we’ll re-write the lesson to fit the verse,” said Sessions.

The first chapter of the book, in fact, is based on the book of Genesis and teaches creationism over evolution. “Man did not evolve but was created by God, and every person is a direct descendant of Adam and Eve, or Cain and Eve or Abel and Eve,” reads the first paragraph.

Rush Limbaugh’s influence permeates every part of the book, from a discussion on who the real founding fathers were, i.e. Thomas Jefferson, because of his views on separation of church and state has been replaced with confederate heroes such as Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee, to modern-day issues such as American exceptionalism, illegal immigration, deregulation of corporations and financial institutions, and the loosening of gun control laws.

Said Limbaugh of the project “I’ve never been prouder to work on anything in my life as I am this textbook. I am working with some of the greatest conservative authors in Texas who have the uncanny ability to take any historical fact in American history and mold it into a conservative lesson in order to bring our youth to a better understanding of what this country was truly based on. It is a sight to behold.”

Liberal Becomes Violently Ill While Going Undercover at Patriot Gathering

Springfield, Mo – The weekly meeting of a group of local patriots came to an abrupt halt last Tuesday when its members came flying out of the United Baptists Freedom Church reception hall wretching and cursing and holding their mouths. An outsider was the cause for the stampede. Shelley Gates, a liberal (a rarity in this town) tried to infiltrate the group to find out what they were all about but became violently ill after listening to about an hour of their rhetoric. She began throwing up on everyone around her.

Once Gates was able to speak, we caught up with her and asked what happened. Said Gates, “I’m a liberal thru and thru and so, when I disagree with a viewpoint, I try and find common ground and work on a solution. I made a plan to infiltrate the Patriot Re-Constitution Party’s weekly meeting to find out what all the fuss was about and to get a first-hand look at how those people tick. But, not long after sitting there and listening to their viewpoint, I began feeling quite ill. I realized I didn’t have the stomach for it, but it was too late. The room started spinning and I started vomiting over and over and over again. I haven’t thrown up like that since I ate some bad potato salad at a family picnic a few years ago.”

A spokesperson for the PRP had this to say, “most Missourians agree with our viewpoint, but we get the occasional do-gooders in here trying their ‘can’t we just agree to disagree’ crap and we just politely tell them to stick it where the sun don’t shine and boot ‘em on outta the meeting. But this little lady walked and talked like us and we thought she was one of us. If we’d have known she was one of them liberals, we’d have shown her the door toot sweet and none of this would have happened. It’s her own damned fault for treading where she needn’t be treading.”

Gates has learned her lesson. “No more trying to understand those folks, that’s for sure,” said Gates. “I don’t have the physical strength.”

Since Tuesday, every time Gates even hears the name Rush Limbaugh, she begins to wretch. “It’s like some bad Clockwork Orange effect or something,” says Gates. I don’t think I’ll ever lead a normal life again.”

God Photoshops Jupiter

An amateur astronomer from Australia has photos to prove that God has a computer and He’s pretty good at photoshopping objects in the universe to change their appearance (God that is).

Take Jupiter for example. Astronomers claim that normal pictures of Jupiter show two distinct bands of dark cloud matter over the northern and southern ends of the planet, with the Giant Red Spot visible down by the lower dark band.

When Australian Astronomer Nicus Coper viewed Jupiter just last month however, after the planet came out from behind the sun, the dark band at the bottom was missing and the Giant Red Spot was redder.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Coper, “there it was in plain view, an altered Jupiter. I couldn’t wait to show photos of it to my fellow amateur astronomers.” The photos became all the rage in astronomy circles throughout the internet and Coper became pretty well known for his sense of timing in finally catching God in the act.

Apparently, Jupiter isn’t the only planet to be photoshopped by God. On rare occasions, Saturn has been spotted without her rings. “Yes,” said Coper, “God is a wonder. He makes me laugh all the time. I never know what I’m going to see when I look up into the night sky.”

Coper claims that several months ago, he had his telescope trained toward the dog star, Sirius, which is designated as a dwarf star. “All of a sudden, I noticed the star had what appeared to be a cloud formation across its face in the shape of a pair of spectacles. It looked almost exactly like the Disney character, Doc. I was quite amused.”

Guns Galore at 139th Annual Meeting of NRA in Charlotte, NC

Charlotte, NC – It’s all about guns. Guns, guns, guns. Guns and more guns. There are big guns, little guns, guns that kill just one person, and guns that are capable of killing more than one person at a time. Guns for show and guns for show-time. There are great gun names like Howitzer and Luger and, as Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, “nine milleemeeters.” There are assault rifles, sniper rifles, submachine guns, light machine guns, semi-automatics, fully automatics, auto automatics, super automatics, uber automatics, ahhhhhhhhtowmaaaaaatics.

But wait, that’s not all! The gathering will bring out not only big guns in the sense of cannons and rocket and grenade launchers, but big guns in the sense of big-name conservative speakers like Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich and others whose names are synonymous with guns--leaders who will do the best job they can to get the crowd riled up and angrier than they’ve ever been about the power they need to reclaim. Guns and taking back power, a kick-ass combination if there ever was one, just ask Chuck Norris, another notable on the guest list. We just hope the walls of the convention center are sturdy enough to contain all that raucous enthusiasm.

If you want to see more guns than you’ve ever seen in your life in one place, just head on down to Charlotte, North Carolina to the biggest gun show on earth. You won’t be disappointed. And the NRA has spared no expense to ensure your safety. The floors of the convention center will be lined end-to-end with “puppy piddle pads” so that no attendees will slip on what is expected to be the worlds’ largest drool pool.

Just don’t bring your own gun because the sign out front reads “no open or concealed carry weapons on Convention Center property.”

Dick Cheney Has Oil on Hands in Oil Spill Mess

“Oh what an oily mess we make when kickbacks from Halliburton we do take,” should have screamed the headlines in this morning’s newspapers across the land. But alas, it was not to be. Instead, the only media outlets to pick up on the story of Halliburton’s very real involvement in the construction, and ultimate destruction, of the oil platform owned by British Petroleum were the liberal news outlets. And we know what that means…liberals are always looking for a way to bring down Dick Cheney.

“It’s old news,” claimed Cheney himself as he stepped out on his lawn to shoo liberal reporters away who had gathered overnight outside his home—a home they say that was partially paid for by big oil.

One reporter, bold enough to get within spitting distance of Cheney asked “is it true, Mr. Cheney that just before taking office as Vice President of the United States, you were the CEO of Halliburton and upon leaving them were given a $34 million dollar severance package, along with almost that much more in stock options?”

Cheney just waved his arm in a sweeping motion inviting the camera crews to pan his home and smiled.

Another reporter took his cue, “and is it not true, Mr. Cheney that once in office, you held private meetings with oil executives at the White House without allowing the press inside those meetings?”

Still smiling, Cheney called for his maid to bring him his morning coffee, but making it painfully obvious that he was in no mood to offer coffee to his inquisitors.

“And, sir,” the reporter continued, “did you not, upon taking power in office, appoint former Halliburton associates to regulatory positions overseeing the oil industry standards which ultimately led to their recommendations that the oil companies were not required to install certain switches which would have most likely prevented the massive explosion in the present case but were deemed too costly?”

Cheney thought for a moment, and smiled.

And finally, Cheney was asked, “isn’t it true sir that finally, after all these years of trying to catch you red-handed with the necessary facts to bring you up on charges of crimes committed while you held the office of Vice President, you aren’t just a tad frightened by the liberal press standing before you today?”

Cheney, seemingly unfazed and even a bit charming in front of the cameras, smiled to the reporters and simply said “Hey guys, and gals, I’m going hunting this afternoon and I’d love for you all to come along as my guests.”

Sarah Palin Caught in Cat Fight Over California Senate Seat

Palin’s Facebook page took over 2000 angry hits after a post she wrote stated that she strongly endorsed Carly Fiorina to challenge Barbara Boxer for her Senate seat in November in California.

The Facebook entry started out “Carly, Carly, she’s our (Wo)man, if she can’t do it, no one can,” and then went on to describe how Fiorina is uncannily almost exactly like Palin, except for the fact that she has an MBA from the Robert H. Smith School of Business, as well as a Master of Science degree from MIT. Palin, however, was quick to point out that just like herself, Fiorina did drop out of one university, the UCLA School of Law.

In a follow-up phone conversation with Palin regarding the post and wishing to find out just what it is about Fiorina that puts Palin squarely in her corner, Palin answered, “She loves guns, so do I. She loves life, so do I. She loves the military, so do I.” Asked if guns and the military are kinda anti-life in some respects, Palin answered, “spare the blood, spoil the patriot,” and smiled. “She loves money, and so do I.”

“Ya know, now that I think about it,” claims Palin, “if Carly Fiorina were Charles Fiorina, I’d probably have a hard time explaining my love for her to Todd. In fact, I’m starting to wonder, God forbid, I might have some lesbian blood in me, cause to me, everything that woman stands for makes her so hot. I could see the two of us out there in the wilderness together sharing a tent, hunting bear and just talking all conservative and all. I better stop, I’m getting goosebumps.”

Sarah Palin Truths Rile Up Political Base Again

Author's Note: Nothing funny to see here today folks, unless you find Sarah Palin as amusing as I do.

Recently, on the Bill O’Reilly Show, Sarah Palin made this statement “American Law Should Be Based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.” It is not enough that the founding fathers saw fit to make God a part of their decision-making process when crafting this country’s laws, Palin believes that the laws of this country should be based in the belief system of one faith only, the Judeo-Christian faith.

All this came out as Palin railed against a judge in Wisconsin for ruling that the National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional. Palin made her statement, as she usually does, to get a rise out of people and make them chant and shout that Christians are being discriminated against. “What in hell scares people about talking about America's foundation of faith,” said Sarah as she tried ever so craftily to tear down the wall between church (Christian church) and state to bring home her senseless point.

Palin made an impassioned case for the National Day of Prayer, going so far as to cite how many government seals and documents contain the word God, and intimating over and over that our founding fathers only had the Christian God in mind when they wrote the Constitution. Palin said the word God as if it were strictly a Christian concept, and that all other Gods from all other religions were not worthy of consideration, in fact, not really America’s God. You could almost hear the big “G” being reduced to a small “g” as she spoke about other religions.

Listen carefully next time Sarah Palin speaks. She really knows how to skew the facts. In this case, her message, wrong as it may be, is this: There is only one law, God’s law (as long as that God is a Christian God) and there are only 10 basic rules by which to live (the Ten Commandments from the Judeo-Christian belief system). It does not matter to Sarah Palin that most religions that do not adhere to the Judeo-Christian belief system still have creation stories eerily similar to those found in the Bible, that they believe in one almighty power that they call God, just not in the English sense of the word, and they all have sets of laws eerily similar to those found in the Bible, just not enumerated as such.

Next time you listen to Sarah Palin speak, listen to her true message, one of racial superiority, religious discrimination, and one that attempts to divide Americans into races, creeds and religions, making some inferior to others. And she does this by stating undeniable half-truths. She’s a crafty one, that Sarah Palin. She never has and never will understand the true meaning of united.