Rick Perry Takes Break from Campaign Trail to Visit Texas

You Shoulda Seen the One that Got Away

Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t been home much lately. He’s out on the campaign trail trying to garner support for his presidential campaign that has, quite frankly, been derailed by Herman Cain, Mitt Romney and Michele Bachmann. But he’s hopeful and therefore ever vigilant in his fight to become the next nation’s leader.

But even presidential hopefuls need a break and that’s what brings Perry back to his home state. When asked what will be on his agenda once he gets back to his office, Perry replied “Oh goodness no, I have people to staff my office. They’ll be fine, so will Texas as a whole. Nope, I’m celebrating…goin’ fishin,’” said a smiling Perry.

“But what about the wildfire situation in Bastrop,” asked one reporter. “Oh, FEMA’s handling that,” Perry replied. “No, the NEW fire in Bastrop,” pressed the reporter.

“What, you mean there’s another daggone fire in that same place? Boy, those Bastrop people sure don’t have that Texas luck, do they?”

Perry then ended the conference by telling everyone that he preferred bass fishing to fly fishing. “It’s something about casting that lure and just waiting for a big ole’ fish to snap it up,” Perry said.

“Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. It’s just a big old waiting game,” he added as he hurried off in his private jet to give one last speech to the folks in New Jersey.

Rare Weather Occurrence in Central Texas Creates Venus-Like Atmosphere

The build-up of heat in the atmosphere over Central Texashas created a rare series of rainless rainstorms akin to those witnessed aboveVenus.

“It’s a rainstorm, but without the rain,” claimsmeteorologist Cliff Dunnow, who says the rare weather occurrence makes duststorms look like monkey play, “or something similar,” he said.

Just exactly what monkey play has to do with weather isalso a complete mystery. At any rate, virgas, totally unrelated to Viagra orvirgins, are clouds that have plenty of rain in them, but in the form of icecrystals. When the crystals get heavy and fall, they hit the heat of theatmosphere and evaporate, so that it rains, just not on the ground.

“It’s one of God’s cruelest jokes played on the people ofTexas,” Dunnow said. “They keep praying for rain, see a storm approaching andthink to themselves ‘wow, finally,’ only to have the rain evaporate about 100feet above their heads.”

The weather pattern is expected to last a day or two,just long enough for the folks living in Central Texas to threaten to pick upsticks and move the hell out of the state. Meanwhile, Dunnow is asking anyonewho actually witnesses a regular rainstorm to call his office immediately as hesays a good old-fashioned downpour has become even rarer in Texas than thevirga.

Could Taking Federal Aid Damage Perry’s Reputation with the Tea Party?

I Said Laugh Dammit
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The Texas wildfires have put Presidential Candidate Governor Rick Perry between a rock and a hard spot. While he’s come out swinging against the federal government saying states should have the ability to govern themselves, if he doesn’t take the federal aid being requested to fight the raging fires in Texas and to make the citizens who are affected by those fires whole, Perry faces a barrage of criticism he wasn’t prepared for.

What to do? What to do? Well, for starters, he could park his ass in Texas and show the people who are losing their homes that he’s here for them.  In addition, he could stop bashing the President and calm down long enough to have a grown-up conversation with him on just what needs are being met by Texas and what needs are going to require federal assistance.

Seeing as Mr. Perry wasn’t really worried about the threat of wildfires a year ago when he signed a bill cutting a spending package for volunteer firefighters across Texas, it doesn’t look like he’s too worried about its citizens either while he jets off to yet another Republican debate. So much for his comment that he's 'more concerned now with the citizens of Texas than he is politics.'

Wonder if he’s got enough time to stop off and buy a new fiddle.


NOTE: Obama has signed Federal Disaster Aid Bill to those suffering from wildfires in Central Texas.

Texas Running Out of Cold Water

The summer of 2011 is going down as one of the hottest on record in Texas. Several Texas cities are getting close to breaking old records for number of triple-digit days, and the end of summer is still pretty far off.

Trees are dying, livestock is being sold off for lack of grazing land, and electric companies are asking customers to cut back on usage to avoid energy blackouts.  

While all the above have been experienced by Texans before, one new phenomenon has not, i.e. lack of cold water. “In some cities, the water coming out of the cold tap is lukewarm,” said City Utilities Manager, Jim Huckleberry from Luckenbach, Texas. “I’d say about 95% of the water now coming out of our water plant is between 90 and 100 degrees,” said Huckleberry. “That’s way too warm for consumption, and we’re warning folks to put their water in the fridge for at least an hour or so before drinking it.”

Huckleberry says people just don’t realize how precious cold water is until you don’t have it. “Sure, it don’t matter if you’re bathing in it,” he said, “but just about everything you do to keep cool in summer depends on cold water, from the public pool to the air conditioning in your home, not to mention keeping your body hydrated.” Constant refrigeration of millions of gallons of water for consumption is creating serious problems in many Texas towns.

Texas Governor Rick Perry agrees the lack of cold water in Texas is becoming a real problem and says that if the triple-digit heat continues, he may have to declare a state of emergency and ask the federal government for assistance. “I don’t want to do it,” said Perry, “but I’ll be darned if I’ll sit idly by and deny my fellow Texans their God-given right to have cold water run freely from their kitchen faucets.”

Rick Perry Running for President So He Can Abolish the Job

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that the only reason he is considering a run for President in 2012 is so that, once elected, he can use his executive power to abolish the post of President.

Confused? Let me explain. Perry is a strong proponent of states’ rights. He believes that each individual state in the United States, including Texas, should be allowed to set their own laws regarding such things as education, labor laws, and civil rights. With no federal government, it would no longer be necessary to have a federal government figurehead.

In order for Perry to become President, he would have to renounce his stand on states’ rights, that is unless he becomes President just long enough to abolish the post of President all together and revert back to being the Governor of Texas.

In a recent speech, Perry’s distaste for federal government interference was palpable. “We don’t want to have to give school kids free lunches if we don’t want to,” he said. “Of course, if we want to, we will, but we won’t if we don’t want to and the federal government can’t make us.”

Perry has his lawyers checking on the constitutionality of a President abolishing the office of President of the United States, but says that regardless of their answer, he’s still gonna run for President just to scare the hell out of all his fellow Republican rivals.

Perry is also checking whether or not it would be feasible to create a new job for himself once he fires himself from the office of President of the United States and is unable to return to the post of Texas’ governor. He’s thinking President of Texas sounds pretty good.

Texas Consults with Rush Limbaugh on Textbook Changes

The Texas Board of Education, whose majority members are of the more conservative Republican persuasion, has voted to make substantial changes to the Social Studies curriculum in their schools and to re-write the textbooks that accompany that curriculum. In a vote of 10 to 5, the board also voted to approve having radio host and political pundit Rush Limbaugh serve as chief consultant on the project mainly because they believe that “Limbaugh’s Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies” is the ultimate source for much of what they wish to teach young minds in Texas and ultimately the entire United States.

“Said Esther Sessions, board spokeswoman, “first of all, the most radical change in textbook content will be to infuse Christian values back into the ‘leaning’ of history. We refer to this as ‘Christian leaning,’ not learning, as it leans back into the type of studies God originally intended. Rush Limbaugh’s knowledge will significantly enhance the leaning taught through our new curriculum.”

Following these guidelines, the textbooks will look radically different. For instance, every chapter will begin with a Bible verse such as you might see on the handouts you receive in church. “Lord knows there is a verse to suit every lesson, and if we can’t find a verse to fit the lesson, we’ll re-write the lesson to fit the verse,” said Sessions.

The first chapter of the book, in fact, is based on the book of Genesis and teaches creationism over evolution. “Man did not evolve but was created by God, and every person is a direct descendant of Adam and Eve, or Cain and Eve or Abel and Eve,” reads the first paragraph.

Rush Limbaugh’s influence permeates every part of the book, from a discussion on who the real founding fathers were, i.e. Thomas Jefferson, because of his views on separation of church and state has been replaced with confederate heroes such as Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee, to modern-day issues such as American exceptionalism, illegal immigration, deregulation of corporations and financial institutions, and the loosening of gun control laws.

Said Limbaugh of the project “I’ve never been prouder to work on anything in my life as I am this textbook. I am working with some of the greatest conservative authors in Texas who have the uncanny ability to take any historical fact in American history and mold it into a conservative lesson in order to bring our youth to a better understanding of what this country was truly based on. It is a sight to behold.”

Succession and Secession Causing Palin Major Confusion

Sarah Palin speaking a few weeks ago at a rally for Rick Perry referred to news about Texans wanting to secede from the union, and said “…they got that wrong. Texas today, I don't think they're seceding, they are succeeding….”

Upon hearing of this, Debra Medina, the Tea Party candidate for Governor of Texas, called Palin to offer her services as a mentor on the differences between succession and secession, both terms being bandied about lately by the Tea Party movement and obviously causing Palin some confusion. In addition, Medina wanted to set Sarah straight on her (Medina’s) plans for Texas not to secede but instead restore sovereignty, a concept that may be foreign to Palin. We can only wonder how the lessons are going:

Deb: Ok, Sarah, here’s the first word. Succession, with two “c’s” and two “esses.”

Sarah: Oh, you mean like in success in running for office.

Deb: Well, sure, it could mean that, but we’re talking about another success, success-shun.

Sarah: I hate to tell ya Deb, but I’m not one to run from success.

Deb: Sarah, please, dear, focus. Now, for purposes of our lesson, the use of the word succession is improper. Nevertheless, lots of people in the Tea Party movement are using it to describe their desire to secede from the union, much like the idea you and Todd toyed with in Alaska. In actuality, the correct word is Secession, with an “e” not a “u.”

Sarah: What do you mean, Deb, I can’t be a part of it?

Deb: What?

Sarah: You said with an “e” but not a “you.”

Deb: Oh for heaven’s sake, Sarah, I said “u” not “you.”

Sarah: Well, if not me, then who?

Deb: Forget succession. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s talk about secession.

Sarah: I had those with all my kids.

Deb: What?

Sarah: C-Sections, way better than natural childbirth, I can tell ya that.

Deb: You have got to be kidding me.

Sarah: Do you mean “u” or “you” as in me?

[Deb gets up to leave.]

Sarah: Wait, Deb, where are you going? Aren’t we going to discuss your wanting to become Queen of Texas?

Deb (over her shoulder): What?

Sarah: Sovereignty. You said you were also going to give me a lesson on sovereignty.

Texas Spring Water Company Offers Miracle Water Diet

Thirty-five years ago, you wouldn’t have been able to tell Joe P. Freely that he’d someday get rich selling bottled water, but today, it’s money that’s flowing from Freely’s diet spring water business in Big Spring, Texas. “Your Nation Natural Diet Water” is the fastest selling diet water in the southwest. In fact, it’s selling so fast that Freely can’t keep it on shelves. “We are flush with success,” says Freely. It doesn’t hurt business either that Your Nation Natural Diet Water comes with a free dispenser fashioned after the cute cherub fountains found in Italy (see photo). You can choose from a variety of colors to fit your home or office décor.

“This ain’t just any spring water,” claims Joe. “Making Your Nation a part of a sensible diet plan is the only way to lose weight quickly and effectively. We guarantee it or your money back.” Joe goes on to say that all one needs to do is drink 8-8oz. bottles of his water a day, along with a sensible diet, and he guarantees the pounds will fall away. Your Nation is a bit more expensive than regular water, but it has to be claims Freely. “People didn’t get fat by not spending their hard earned money on fast food, and they aren’t gonna get skinny by drinking tap water. They need a special water to help them do that and Your Nation is the key to that success.”

Joe wouldn’t let us in on why he believes his water is different, but when asked, he did show us before and after pictures of some of his clients. Take Cindy C. from Elsinore, TX. Your Nation has been a part of her diet plan now for 2 years and she has gone from a size 22 dress to a size 2 and looks like a million bucks. Her testimony says volumes. “Within two hours of my first taste of Your Nation, I knew I was hooked. I’ve been drinking Your Nation regularly now for going on two years and love the taste. It is so refreshing, and along with a sensible diet, if I feel like eating, which I normally don’t after drinking Your Nation, I have been able to shed the pounds effortlessly.”

Freely’s list of satisfied customers goes on and on and reads like a Texas list of Who’s Who. We agreed not to give out any names but we can tell you that a certain Desperate Housewife from Texas is a regular customer of Your Nation, along with a few other notoriously thin actresses. In fact, if an actress is thin and from the southwest, two to one she’s been on the Your Nation diet at some time in her life.

Your Nation cannot be found in stores. The only place you can get it is through word of mouth. So next time you are in Big Springs, Texas, be sure to ask someone if they know where you can get hold of some Your Nation so you can get started on a diet plan that will have you losing pounds effortlessly with every bottle of water you drink.