New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Makes Huge Announcement

“I’ve given it much consideration,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at an impromptu news conference called late Monday afternoon at the New Jersey diner where Christie is a regular customer. “I know that this decision will have a major impact on my wife Mary Pat, as well as my children, and so what I am about to tell you comes from my having spent hours upon hours upon hours spent in deep thought and reflection and it is a decision I do not take lightly.

With baited breath, the audience waited to hear those magical words, that Christie has decided to run for President.

“My fellow Americans, I am here today to announce to you my decision to choose a Weight Watcher’s diet over Atkins. My reasons for doing so…” but the crowd stood in silence. “You mean you’re freakin’ gonna finally go on a diet?” yelled someone from the back of the crowd.

“Yes,” replied Christie, puffing his chest out a bit more, so proud of himself and his decision. “Oh, and by the way, for the hundredth time folks, I am NOT running for President.”

New Millionaire Diet Totally Eliminates Flatulence

In general terms, the rich in our society believe that they have few flaws, and they work tirelessly to make sure it stays that way. Unfortunately, there are a few bodily functions that keep them just a smidge below perfection.

Some industrious entrepreneurs have addressed those flaws in products such as flatulence odor pads which work to eliminate offending smells associated with gas. It has become a multi-billion dollar industry aimed specifically toward those with unlimited buying power. However, these products are just masking the odors, not getting to the root of the problem.

That is until now. Samuel Sinbad, a Registered Dietician in Santa Barbara, California, has come up with a diet plan that eliminates flatulence forever. Called Nixa-Fiber Pro, the diet combines exercise and a strict dietary plan that together work to eliminate any gas buildup in the body by restricting certain foods.

While flatulence caused by gas in the body is a natural occurrence, Mr. Sinbad claims that he has discovered which foods, when ingested, break down and cause gas and excessive bloating, and he claims it has nothing to do with carbohydrates.

The diet doesn’t come cheap, costing tens of thousands to implement in one’s daily routine, but Sinbad says it’s worth every penny, and he is certain that the image-conscious upper crust will pay just about anything to find out what the secret to this diet is.

Flatulence is no laughing matter to the rich, and if Samuel Sinbad is able to convince just a few of the uber riche to try his new diet, he believes he’ll be able to experience first-hand just how gauche farting can be.

Woman Sheds 42 Pounds Doing Shopping Cart Cha-Cha-Ping

Dallas, TX - A new exercise craze is sweeping America by storm. It’s not Pilates, it’s not aerobics, and it’s not tai chi or any number of other workout routines already heard of. This one is based on getting up on your feet, driving the mini-van to the nearest supermarket, and cha-cha-ing your way around the store.

It's called "Cha-Cha-Ping" and all you need is a shopping cart, a sense of rhythm and a desire to shed pounds in a short period of time. Trish Fandeu actually stumbled upon the exercise quite by accident.

“There I was, seriously overweight, standing by the magazine rack reading about the latest gossip and something about some celebrity on DWTS dancing the cha-cha. A half-eaten pack of mini-chocolate glazed donuts sat in the children’s seat of my shopping cart next to the biggie-size Coke I just purchased from McDonald’s.”

“As I walked away from the magazines to do my shopping, my feet started to cha-cha. I slid the right foot out first, then the left foot, and then automatically took three small steps forward, and then again with my left foot sliding, followed by my right, and three small steps. All of a sudden I realized, I was doing a variation of the cha-cha as I pushed my cart around the store and it was a lot of fun. I spent the rest of that shopping trip with ‘one-two-cha-cha-cha’ repeating over and over in my head. I had my first work out in probably 12 years and I felt really great as I loaded my groceries into the van and headed home.”

Over the course of three and a half months, Trish continued to do her almost daily shopping to the cha-cha that sounded in her head and started to see the pounds start to drop off. “Of course,” said Trish, “when I saw that I lost 3 pounds that first week, I decided I would eat healthier and promised myself no more donuts and Coke. I switched to water and carrot sticks, or the occasional grape, as I cha-cha’d my way through the market.”

At last count, Trish has dropped 42 pounds and is down from a size 18 to a size 10. And word has gotten out. On any given day of the week, you may run into one of the many women who’ve adopted Trish’s shopping cart cha-cha routine. In fact, some stores are now posting signs welcoming “cha-cha-pers into their stores and touting the health benefits of using their carts as exercise props.

Said one happy store owner “we encourage the women to buy lots of items, in bulk, to weigh down the cart and make their workouts even more effective. So far, we’ve seen a marked increase in our bottom line due to sales of water, carrot sticks, and economy sizes of everything from laundry soap to dill pickles.”

Although cha-cha-ping through the store is essentially harmless, Trish does have these words of advice. “Only cha-cha forward, and don’t try any other ballroom dances with the cart such as the tango or the foxtrot. The carts simply do not maneuver well for those dances, believe me, I’ve tried. However, the cha-cha is a perfect match for doing your shopping. Oh, and to avoid catching someone else’s germs, always use the handi-wipes at the store entrance to sanitize the cart’s handle before beginning your cha-cha-ping.”

Texas Spring Water Company Offers Miracle Water Diet

Thirty-five years ago, you wouldn’t have been able to tell Joe P. Freely that he’d someday get rich selling bottled water, but today, it’s money that’s flowing from Freely’s diet spring water business in Big Spring, Texas. “Your Nation Natural Diet Water” is the fastest selling diet water in the southwest. In fact, it’s selling so fast that Freely can’t keep it on shelves. “We are flush with success,” says Freely. It doesn’t hurt business either that Your Nation Natural Diet Water comes with a free dispenser fashioned after the cute cherub fountains found in Italy (see photo). You can choose from a variety of colors to fit your home or office décor.

“This ain’t just any spring water,” claims Joe. “Making Your Nation a part of a sensible diet plan is the only way to lose weight quickly and effectively. We guarantee it or your money back.” Joe goes on to say that all one needs to do is drink 8-8oz. bottles of his water a day, along with a sensible diet, and he guarantees the pounds will fall away. Your Nation is a bit more expensive than regular water, but it has to be claims Freely. “People didn’t get fat by not spending their hard earned money on fast food, and they aren’t gonna get skinny by drinking tap water. They need a special water to help them do that and Your Nation is the key to that success.”

Joe wouldn’t let us in on why he believes his water is different, but when asked, he did show us before and after pictures of some of his clients. Take Cindy C. from Elsinore, TX. Your Nation has been a part of her diet plan now for 2 years and she has gone from a size 22 dress to a size 2 and looks like a million bucks. Her testimony says volumes. “Within two hours of my first taste of Your Nation, I knew I was hooked. I’ve been drinking Your Nation regularly now for going on two years and love the taste. It is so refreshing, and along with a sensible diet, if I feel like eating, which I normally don’t after drinking Your Nation, I have been able to shed the pounds effortlessly.”

Freely’s list of satisfied customers goes on and on and reads like a Texas list of Who’s Who. We agreed not to give out any names but we can tell you that a certain Desperate Housewife from Texas is a regular customer of Your Nation, along with a few other notoriously thin actresses. In fact, if an actress is thin and from the southwest, two to one she’s been on the Your Nation diet at some time in her life.

Your Nation cannot be found in stores. The only place you can get it is through word of mouth. So next time you are in Big Springs, Texas, be sure to ask someone if they know where you can get hold of some Your Nation so you can get started on a diet plan that will have you losing pounds effortlessly with every bottle of water you drink.