In Latest Speech, Palin Stops Short of Referring to Self as Martyr

In yet another controversial appearance of Sarah Palin, this time at the California State University, Stanislaus campus, Sarah complained of how her message is being met with the same controversy over and over--that she is undeserving of the large sums of money she commands for her appearance fees.

Stopping short of coming right out and calling herself a modern-day martyr, Sarah Palin did say that her message will go on long after she is no longer a highly-paid political speaker, leaving many to wonder if that meant she was going to stop accepting large speaking fees or that she was willing to die for her beliefs.

“I stand before you today willing to accept your generous support without feeling the need to explain whether or not I’m worthy of it,” said Palin. “Some people give their greatness away, but as my mother used to say, ‘if you give puppies away for free, people won’t cherish them as much as if they are made to pay dearly for them—charge a hundred bucks plus the cost of shots and neutering.’ I still live by those words today.”

“The same goes for me and my time,” she continued. “If I was to show up and just give my speeches away for free, the good people who follow my politics would begin to take me for granted, possibly even stop coming to see me. Therefore, I must charge them a lot so that they feel they are getting something of value from me, whether they are or they aren’t.”

The presidential hopeful didn’t stop there, likening herself to the great Joan of Arc. “Just like Joan of Arc who was burned at the stake for her beliefs, I too am being persecuted for my belief that I am worth every penny paid to me for my speaking engagements,” said Palin to thunderous applause and chants of “Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.”

Mix-up in Hell Has Satan Sending More than One Anti-Christ to Rule Earth

Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past century.

Harry Scarem, a demonologist from California was able to ascertain this after a particularly grueling satanic ritual over the weekend wherein Satan personally appeared for a few moments to explain the error. Said Satan, “I would have sent one of my minions, but they are all idiots.”

When Scarem asked Satan what he was talking about, Satan explained “I just got finished going over the book of judgments and damned if someone didn’t remember to put a checkmark next to Adolph Hitler’s name after we gave him the 666 tattoo. The mistakes kept being made. A tattoo was given, the mark was set, but no checkmark was put next to the name. As best I can ascertain, we’ve given the tattoo now to about five people that we can positively identify, those being Hitler, of course, Charles Manson, Dick Cheney, Pol Pot and Pauly Shore,” he said, explaining that he wasn’t even sure why Pauly Shore was on the list but it can’t be taken back once it’s declared.

While Pol Pot and Hitler are dead, that still leaves Manson, Cheney and Shore to watch out for. But the bad news is that there may be at least three more people on the short list who were accidentally given the tattoo and sent to Earth as Anti-Christs. Satan was asked if Kim Jong Il may have been one of the other three and although he couldn’t confirm it, he certainly didn’t deny it either. “Let’s just say that Kim meets all the requirements of being an Anti-Christ, so I wouldn’t rule him out.”

“This was a big fuc*ing screw up, I know,” said Satan, “and I’m prepared to take full responsibility for it.”

Meanwhile, word has been leaked to the Christians about this and they are none too pleased about the news. “Jesus, Lord have mercy,” said Paul Thornton, Pastor over at Christ Almighty’s Sacred Splendor Worship Hall. “This just ain’t good news at this late hour. All we’ve got, as far as I know is one Savior and he isn’t even due to come to earth yet for at least another year or so. How the hell are we going to find more Saviors at this late hour to do battle with multiple Anti-Christs?” he said as he sat wringing his hands in despair.

District Judge Blocks President’s Moratorium on Oil Drilling after Hunting Invite from Cheney

Federal District Judge Martin Feldman took immediate measures to block the 6-month moratorium President Obama placed on new deepwater drilling projects due to the ongoing disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Most people were curious as to why this Judge would make such a ruling in light of the testimony thus far from workers on the Horizon oil platform that indicate that BP didn’t take proper measures to ensure the safety of its workers.

Most people would agree that until the details of this accident are sorted out, it would be wise to not start up any more drills along America’s coasts. So why would Judge Feldman make such a ruling?

Telephone records from the Judge’s office indicate several phone calls from former Vice President Dick Cheney, as well as a hand-engraved invitation to go quail hunting in Texas within the next couple of weeks. Said Feldman’s Judicial Assistant, “Judge Feldman really likes to go quail hunting, but he knows as well as anyone, when you get an invitation to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney, it’s not really about bagging quail.”

United States Issues Travel Alert to…Toronto?

Toronto, Ontario – It’s not every day you see a travel alert issued for one of the safest cities in one of the safest countries in the world, but that is what the United States State Department did and the Canadians are none too happy about the designation.

Toronto is hosting the G-20 Economic Summit later this week, and there are expected to be the usual bombardment of protests from such groups as Greenpeace, Oxfam, and others. But Canadians are already reeling from the $1 billion price tag to turn the city of Toronto into an armored fortress and believe the travel alert just adds insult to injury.

Said one Canadian official “What really frosts the Canadians’ arses is the fact that the trouble makers expected to appear at the G-20 summit are primarily Americans. So in essence, the U.S. is issuing travel alerts to our country to protect themselves from, well, themselves. Not only are we footing the tab for the security, but Toronto now has a black mark on it as being a dangerous place to travel.”

Ironically, no travel alerts were issued last year for Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, the site of the 2009 G-20 Summit; however, the reason could be that no one really wants to travel to Pittsburgh to protest or otherwise.

Alternative Gifting Ideas for Kids with Single Dads or Any Other Dad for that Matter

Editor's Note: Sorry Dad's--Better Late than Never

Ok, kids, let’s look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father’s Day in a completely different light.  Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it’s summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear.  So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is not only taking care of himself now, but also taking care of you, the other kid in the household? 

Let’s start with nourishment.  It gets pretty tiresome having cereal for breakfast, Spaghettio’s for lunch, and burned hamburgers on the grill for dinner, doesn’t it?  Do yourself a favor, buy dad a cookbook.  Not just any ordinary Betty Crocker cookbook.  He’ll never figure it out.  Get him his own cookbook, “See Dad Cook: The Only Book a Guy Needs to Feed Family and Friends (and Himself).”  Think about it, not only will you be getting a better shot at nourishment; you’ll be saving him from himself and his awful cooking.  What better way to say I love you?

Of course, if you’re one of the fortunate children who has a father who can do more than boil water, you may want to skip the cookbook and go for something that will get him off the couch and outdoors with you.  Yep, I’m talking model airplane!  Think of all the hours of fun you and he will have building and flying your very own model airplane.  Even though some may think of this as a selfish gift, don’t give it another thought.  This isn’t just a toy for you, it’s an adventure the two of you will be taking together.  What father doesn’t want to see his son happy?  Of course, if you are a daughter and not exactly the tomboy type, don’t worry.  Dad won’t tell you this, but he really, really does like to dress up and play tea party on the front lawn.

Ok, so you figured out on your very own that it really was just a way to get a free toy out of dad and you’re not feeling it so much.  No problem, there are other things you can get dad that will tell him loud and clear just how much he means to you.  Get him some gift certificates to McDonald’s.  You will be giving him the gift of convenience.  What parent couldn’t use some extra time with the kids in a fun and safe environment?  Make sure he takes you to the newest one with the big enclosed play area, so he can have the time of his life watching you have the time of your life.  I know, you’re surprised you didn’t think of this one all on your own.  You’re welcome.

Bet you’d love to go to a ball game wouldn't you?  So would dad!  Offer to tag along with him to the game on Father’s Day, and don’t forget to show your appreciation for the peanuts, popcorn, cracker jacks and soda you’ll be helping him eat.  How, you ask, could getting your dad to buy tickets to a ball game, along with buying a house payment’s worth of goodies for you, be a gift to dad? Simple, you’re letting him know in your own special way that it’s ok if he loves sports more than he loves you.  Love is a two-way street.

So, kids, those are some alternative gift-giving ideas for you to consider this Father’s Day.  Your father will be so surprised at your ability to think outside the box.  And remember, these gifts aren’t just appropriate for giving on Father’s Day, there’s Christmas, and Valentine’s Day, oh and there’s his birthday….

Obama Picks Judge Judy to Decide Oil Spill Claims

Ever since President Obama and BP announced that BP is putting up an initial $20 billion to pay for any legitimate claims that are filed as a result of damages incurred as a direct or indirect result of the Horizon Gulf oil disaster, people have been wondering who will decide the fate of their claims.

Well, wait no longer. This morning, President Obama announced that he tapped one of the best minds in the legal business, Judge Judy, to take on the task of sorting through the myriad of claims being filed and determining what is and isn’t legitimate. “I can’t think of a better legal mind or a person that these folks in Louisiana can relate to than Judge Judy,” said Obama. “She is going to cut through the bullsh*t (excuse my Cajun) and make sure that the $20 billion only goes to those who have legitimate claims.”

Already, Judge Judy has taken a precursory look at some of the claims filtering through the government claims office and admits it is going to be a formidable task to separate the wheat from the chaff or as she likes to put it, “the oil from the water,” but she is willing to take that task on.

“For instance,” said Judge Judy, “do you know how many claims have already been filed for ridiculous sums of money for what we are calling ‘flip-flop’ claims?” These are claims that beachgoers have filed who have gotten tar balls on their flip-flops, claiming they were designer flip-flops that can’t be cleaned by ordinary methods. “Give me a friggin’ break,” she says as she takes her glasses off and wipes them purposefully. “Here’s a clue,” she continued, “we are pretty much aware of what a pair of $5 flip-flops from Wal-Mart looks like, so save us and yourself a bunch of time and just keep your claims to yourself.”

Said one potential claimant, an out-of-work shrimper, “man, with Judge Judy at the helm, I’m pretty sure I better have my eyes crossed and my t’s dotted cause I been watchin’ her on tv, what with nuthin’ else to do these days, and I can tell you that she doesn’t let nobody slip nuthin’ past her.”

Having Lady Gaga For a Sister Turns Sister into a Sister

It had to happen, a family member who chooses a life career totally opposite from that of her sibling because her sibling is just so over the top. Case in point, Lady Gaga (nee Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta) has a sister who just graduated from high school and is now planning on becoming a nun. She has enrolled in nun school.

Natali Germanotta, Gaga’s 18-year old sister, and her parents have reportedly contacted Sisters of the Sacred Heart to look into Natali attending a summer program to speed her on her way to complete sisterhood.  “Oh I like my sister Stefani ok,” said Natalia looking a bit intimidated, “but she has so many weird ideas and my mom and dad, they want at least one of us to make something out of ourselves, and since she is already doing her Gaga thing, I guess it’s up to me.” Natalia was interviewed while sitting closely between her mother and father, with no chance for escape.

The Germanottas are said to be extremely happy that one of their daughters is going on to become a nun. “It was our wish for Stefani to be a nun eventually, to grow out of her desire to be in the spotlight all the time, but when we saw her outfits getting more and more outrageous, to the point of sacrilege, well, we turned our sights on little Natalia,” said Joseph Germanotta.

When asked if they knew that Natali had appeared in her sister’s “Telephone” video, they appeared somewhat shocked. “Well, yes, of course, said Mrs. Germanotta, “we knew. She was just a background person though, and I believe we’ve caught our sweet little Natalia in time so that she won’t be going down the same road as her sister Stefani.”

Rumors that Natalia held up a sign in the “Telephone” video with the words “help me” have all but been debunked by the Germanottas and their Church.