Seattle Opens First Self-Help Health Clinics in US

SEATTLE, Washington – A group of enterprising doctors today were granted a license by the State Board of Medical Examiners in Washington State to open the first of what they hope to be many self-help walk-in clinics in America.

Based on the concept of “been there, done that” but in a more professional sense, the doctors came up with a plan that they say will revolutionize the way people are treated for minor mishaps.  The doctors claim that most people nowadays know their way around the internet pretty well. There are hundreds if not thousands of “check your symptoms” sites for them to go online and follow a series of questions to determine what may be ailing them. The doctors also claim that people are much more savvy when it comes to self-diagnosing and treating themselves with over-the-counter and existing prescribed medications, and that those same people would benefit from coming into a clinic and getting a confirmation or denial of their course of action.

“That is where we come in,” claims Dr. Stanley Morgenstern, the brainchild who came up with this most unique approach to treating those who cannot afford quality medical care but who need the ‘clinic’ experience to get well.

“I was seeing more and more patients who would ask me about this treatment or that treatment that they had read up on the internet and in more than one instance I noticed that what they were spouting to me had some truth in it.” Morgenstern said he then had several conversations with some colleagues over a multiple golf games and that’s when it hit him. “Hey, these people can follow directions. We’ll help them out and not charge them a fortune just to see a guy in a white coat do what they can do for themselves,” said Morgenstern, and that is how “Self-Check Clinics” was born.

The concept is going to be quite simple. People do not need an appointment to go into the clinic and register to ‘consult’ with a computer doctor. Once seated before a computer screen, they will be prompted automatically to fill in their name and a brief medical history and state any existing conditions they have as well as medical problems they are having at present. They will also be prompted to report any and all drugs they are taking, whether prescription, over-the-counter, or illegal. They will also be able to slip their arm into a blood pressure cup and have their blood pressure as well as temperature and heart rate readings taken automatically.

The screen will then come on asking them what their major complaint is. Dr. Morgenstern claims that these clinics will only take patients who have minor complaints, such as grinding headache, insomnia, flu other non life-threatening medical issues. Several times throughout the screen process the computer will prompt the patient to go on with the PROCEED prompt. If the computer gets to a point at any time where it senses the patient may have a much more serious problem, it will show a STOP prompt and will advise the patient to immediately see a doctor.

Some of the PROCEED prompts will look like this:

PROCEED: TO DRUG COUNTER

PROCEED: TO PICK UP YOUR DIAGNOSIS

PROCEED: TO CHECK OUT AND PAY

Some opponents of the new clinics are making their voices heard loud and clear that this is a horrible idea which will lead to misdiagnosis causing more serious medical conditions in the people who use these clinics. Dr. Morgenstern disagrees. “People have options all the time in life,” said Morgenstern. “I’ll give you a for instance. Most people suffering mild chest pains will first think they are having a heart attack. This is normal to think this way as that is location of the heart. However, nine times out of ten, it is just heart burn. Sure, they could just go over to the drug store and pick up something to ease the discomfort, but with all those products on the shelf, which one do they choose? Tablets? Time-release capsules? Liquids? It can get pretty confusing. Our clinics will help them sort out their needs from Mylanta to Pepcid. That is just one of the many things we can do for them. They will walk out of a clinic better informed of their condition and feel proud that they took part in a positive health plan for a change.”

Morgenstern continued, “Would they like to have the money to see a real doctor? Sure, maybe, but until they do, they get charged a little less for almost basically the same treatment. It’s a win-win hands down.”

Al-Qaeda and Taliban Efforts to Boost Domestic Travel in America Succeed

American Tourism Officials finally have something to cheer about. Americans are staying home and spending their hard-earned paychecks on domestic travel. Disney World, New York City, even Lester’s Museum O’ Rare Lobster Tails in Bangor, Maine is seeing a sharp increase in spending by families who are cancelling trips to the French Riviera and instead seeking some good old-fashioned entertainment right here at home.

“We never thought we’d say that Osama Bin Ladin is a hero, but we are starting to think he just might be,” said Ed Olberschultz, MSNBC’s travel analyst.  “This is the shot in the arm that places like New Orleans really needs. I mean, think about it, they want France, where better to get it than in the French Quarter of New Orleans. Ayeee,” he said in the best Cajun he could muster. Want authentic pizza from Italy? Visit New York City, where you can also now catch a ride on an authentic double-decker bus, just like in jolly old England.

Olberschultz says if you were planning on really doing Europe big and now find that you just can’t bring yourself to putting yourself and your family in harm’s way, take them to Epcot Center. Not only will you be able to take a trip to some of the most prominent countries in Western Europe, including Norway, France, Italy and the United Kingdom, you’ll get the added bonus of visiting the middle and far east, as well as the countries directly north and south of your own border, all in one tidy little terrorist-free place.

Never has there ever been a better time to see America. This may just be the shot in the arm this country needs.

Collective Human Intelligence in Danger Due to Internet

Scientists in Stockholm, Sweden are just now concluding a 5-year long research project designed to determine whether or not mainstream consciousness is finally overpowering mindless consciousness and endangering the world we live in to such a degree that we may find ourselves staring down the real Apocalypse of 2012. See Video for proof.

Some of the findings are startling. From the “don’t worry your bottom dollar about it” scenario to “holy shit, we have a crisis on our hands” [our words not theirs], the report is poised to set the social networking world on its head.

Everything from school buildings becoming obsolete because kids can just go to school from their bedrooms, to scientists botching some of the most important scientific studies of our time because they got sidetracked by Twitter, have found their way into the report.

“Human interaction, as we know it,” said Dr. Heinz Friedendehead, “will no longer be the norm, and in some cases is already becoming quite abnormal as people begin to find ways to hide behind computer screens in order to communicate with family, friends, loved ones, bosses, doctors, lawyers and the occasional stranger.”

Dr. Friedendehead claims that the very complex issues that are facing us as a people such as global warming, famine, disease, super bugs, etc. were once getting the attention they deserved maybe twenty years ago, but in today’s social networking arena are taking a back seat and suffering from botched data caused by a lack of attention on the part of the research scientists studying the issues.

“Global warming, for instance,” he said. “Global warming was poised to be taken care of just after the turn of the century, but instead the social networking site ‘MySpace’ appeared on computer screens. From there, it morphed into ‘Facebook’ and now all anyone can say about global warming is that it is on everyone’s mind—right. Just after how many times Lindsay Lohan has been jailed and what color panties Katie Perry is wearing today, or whose dog pooped on whose neighbor’s lawn.”

Dr. Friedendehead has this warning for us. “Wake up people. You can only see so many ‘puking pumpkin’  and ‘monkey ninja’ images before realizing that we have a major problem the world over. Aunt Sarah’s bout with arthritis is important, sure, but so is saving our planet. Get off the computer, go to work on something important, and send Aunt Sarah a ‘Get Well Soon’ card through the mail.”

  

Gun and Beer Sales Up, Foreclosures Down in Michigan

MIDDLE AMERICA, USA - Folks facing financial ruin in Michigan have finally come up with a solution to losing their homes to banks through the foreclosure process. They are taking their unemployment checks and purchasing rifles to fend off anyone looking to evict them from the homes they’ve worked so hard over the years to buy. They’re also buying beer necessary to keep their bravado up as they attempt to stave off those who are hell bent on taking what’s left of their dignity.

“We are sick and tired of being told we’re deadbeats when it’s the companies that are shipping our jobs overseas, leaving us jobless and broke,” said Homer Simpson, who was recently laid off from a local manufacturing plant in Ypsilanti, Michigan and forced to choose between buying food for his family instead of making his mortgage payments.

“Got me a rifle and a new job--scaring off the bank buzzards,” said Simpson. “Damned vultures. First they sell me a mortgage they know I’ll probably end up not being able to make the payments on if my job goes south, which it did, then they wanna come in, take the house and let it sit there empty letting every hood in the city have their pick of whatever is left in it that’ll make them some crack money. And I’m supposed to sit there and watch it happen? Not on my watch,” he said.

These are harsh words coming from a man who held the position of union steward for years at the local plant; charged with keeping flaring tempers intact; deacon at his Church, vowing non-violence in the 1960’s, and now having to go to such lengths to protect his own American dream.

“Jesus, Lord in Heaven,” he said. “We’re all a bunch of hippies turned commando and why? Cause we want the same thing those bankers have, a secure job, a happy home and safe neighborhoods. Well, they got theirs, should be tricklin’ on down here any minute I figure, just don’t know how much longer I can keep my finger off this damned trigger.”

Michael Moore Secretly on Tap to Advise New Chief of Staff

While it is true that Peter Rouse has taken over for Rahm Emanuel as White House Chief of Staff, there are rumors floating about the White House that it is Michael Moore and not Rouse who is now running the show for our President.

Moore has been tapped to be a top advisor to Rouse in the short time running up to the elections. If all goes well, Moore will take an even more active role in advising the advisor for the remainder of Obama’s term as President.

While no official press reports are expected on this major strategic move, there have been plenty of eyewitness sightings of Moore, Rouse and Obama meeting daily at the Waffle Shop on E Street in Washington discussing political strategy over burgers, fries and salads. Moore jokingly said his first order of business is getting the President to eat salads instead of his usual burger and fries but it seems to be an uphill battle. Moore claims he’s had private talks with Michelle and she jokingly confided that she has no worries about her husband raiding the Presidential Garden. Moore promised to help Michelle out as well when he isn’t telling Rouse what to say and do.

Moore was overheard by patrons explaining to Rouse that the biggest hurdle to the job of getting the Democrats re-elected to office senate seats is that there aren’t enough crazies in the bunch to make anyone stand out. “What we need, Pete, is a political base that isn’t afraid to talk tough right back to those tea party nut jobs. Quit taking their crap and tell them if they can’t tell the truth, they can’t represent Duluth, or something like that. You know, something catchy.”

It’s reported that Rouse really isn’t much of a Michael Moore fan and is taking this news rather hard. In fact, he’s losing a bit of weight as he just sits at the daily meal picking at his food and grimacing instead of bringing anything constructive to the table, like the metaphorical hot sauce on chicken wings so to speak.

Meanwhile, Moore has written Rouse’s first official statement for him which includes the words liberal and wussies in several places and which promises that there’ll be no more shellacking of the Democrats once Moore gets done with them. We are going to scrub those babies clean and give them a whole new veneer, one that is tough as nails but doesn’t need any shellack. “It will be all shine, but no shellack,” said Moore, using yet another of the metaphorical statements that seems to have gotten Moore this most prized position in the administration.

His camera crews, however, were told to turn off their cameras and put the next movie project on hold until after Moore’s tenure in the White House is on more stable ground.

Candidate with the Biggest Mouth or Most Bizarre Message Wins

In the run up to the this year’s mid-term elections we’ve seen some of the most bizarre behavior and comments coming out of the candidates, especially those who claim to be ordinary Americans wanting to take America back. Come time to vote, unfortunately, those people stand to win and win big.

It’s not because of any message of hope they bring to an America that is hobbling around on a bum economy, but more because of who they are, what they believe in and how they get their message across or, in some cases, refuse to go on bona fide news shows to get their message across but rely instead on Twitter, Facebook, and the witticisms they pen in the front covers of their best-selling books.

We’ve finally tipped the scales in favor of the loonies. You have only to listen to things they’ve said prior to running as well as what they are saying on the campaign trail to determine there are some certifiable, unqualified whack jobs that may just be headed to Washington this fall.

To help voters out, here are a few tips that the candidate you’ve decided to vote for may not have all their absentee ballots in the same box:

1.       They are confronted with video clearly showing them bragging about dabbling in witchcraft and then explain it away as high school hijinx. Ok, we get it, but to be clear about it, we’d probably draw the line at eating an egg salad sandwich and some chips on a blood-spattered altar.

2.       They don’t just embrace the second amendment, they use witty double entendres to get their message across such as “she has your best interests in her sights,” and “she’ll target lower taxes for everyone.” But when she’s shooting a rapid-fire machine gun and telling potential voters “when it comes time to cast your vote, make the right choice,” that’s where you hope she doesn’t know how you voted or where you live.

3.       They like to choose who they sit beside at the lunch counter, and they don’t believe their speaking out against certain things such as silly old Civil Rights laws and their onus on business owners should be taken as anything other than pandering to corporate interests. That blue-plate special is gonna come at a mighty high price.

4.       When they want to espouse family values, and they don’t really have any to speak of, they generally just use someone else’s kids. Can you blame them? It is a well-known fact that kids, puppies and kittens sell. Wonder if the Humane Society is next on his list for purchasing a bit of surrogate heartstring tugging?

5.       When all is lost, they call for the dismantling of every governmental program that is actually doing something to better the quality of life of Americans like Social Security, Medicare and even the EPA. Sure, having a retired husband whose benefits extend not only to himself but also allows her to receive some of the best health insurance in the country thanks to the still working civil servants in this country paying into the (federal) Civil Servant Retirement System. Betcha even she is hoping she doesn’t get elected and have to make good on her promise to vote on doing away with those plans.

6.       They are great at running without giving any interviews. Oh, some will show up on Fox News, or the occasional local news station, but put them in front of someone who can actually ask informed questions and they act as if they’ve just been exposed to kryptonite. Unless, of course, you just happen to become a candidate with absolutely no explanation as to how you are unemployed but still come up with over $10,000 in filing fees to run for US Senate. The interviews, although few and far between, are a great comical diversion. What isn’t funny about the whole thing is that another fundamentalist Christian candidate who is hell bent on taking Obama down will most likely get that Senate seat due merely to the fact that there really is no contest.

7.       While some aren’t going to Washington, it doesn’t make them any more scary. Bada Bing, Bada Boom pretty well says it all. For those of you who aren’t from NY this phrase was popularized by James Caan in the movie “The Godfather,” and loosely translates to easily gotten and that’s what one candidate running for Governor of NY is hoping for in the upcoming elections. Fuhgetabout the fact that he is openly racist until, of course, it hurts his chances for election. Oh and lest we forget, he is pro-life and pro-gun, if that is at all possible.

While this list is by no means exhaustive, i.e. the dozens of candidates who use dead presidents, guns and demonic sheep to get their messages across, it is a pretty good sampling of who we can expect to be making our laws come November and if that doesn’t scare you, then go ahead and vote for them. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Christine O'Donnell Not Happy About Fielding Witch Jokes

When Christine O’Donnell of Delaware won the election to run for a United States Senate seat on the GOP ticket, she was all smiles, but it didn’t take long for the bones in her closet to start rattling. The biggest bone rattler of all turned out to be a very savvy Bill Maher, who just happens to be sitting on a gold mine of old Chris O’Donnell tapes from his old television show, “Politically Incorrect.” Maher has threatened O’Donnell that if she doesn’t accept his offer to appear on his new show “Real Time with Bill Maher,” he’s will release a video a week up until the election in November.

And just like the kidnapper who lops off his victim’s ear and sends it to the family for ransom money, Maher is quite serious. Last week, he released the first of more than 20 archived videos where a young O’Donnell admits she dabbled in witchcraft. This airing has not only hit mainstream media with a vengeance, but some pundits agree that it has spawned some of the best political jokes since those told back in the George Bush/Dan Quayle and Clinton/Lewinsky eras.

For instance, did you hear the rumor that an unauthorized biography is due out this week called “Christine O’Donnell—My Life, Warts and All?” Then there’s the one about how she hopes she never becomes as popular as President Obama. Why you ask? She hears the roasts can be brutal.

But it’s not all about witches. O’Donnell’s strict Christian beliefs have caused her to say a lot of things that have brought the proverbial shtick ball down on her head. For instance, O’Donnell has made it perfectly clear that she is totally against masturbation. Quipped one comedian, “There goes the male vote.”

So far, Bill Maher has already broken his promise of releasing one video per week by prematurely releasing another vintage video where Christine O’Donnell takes up the issue of telling lies and makes known her belief that telling lies in any situation is wrong. If this is true, O’Donnell is going to have to make a decision, stay true to her beliefs or forget about being a Senator.