Obama Looking for New Court Jester After Kal Penn Resigns

Comedy actor, Kal Penn, announced that he is leaving his gig working for the White House in the Office of Public Engagement to return to television. Some of you will remember Penn from his role on the television series House, others may remember him from the movie Harold and Kumar. However, only one or two of you, up until this story broke, even knew Kumar, err Penn worked in the White House Office of Public Engagement. And fewer still knew he was Obama’s personal Court Jester.

Nevertheless, what it boils down to is this: Obama needs a new Court Jester, and so it was announced today that Obama will be holding auditions for the position the week of July 18.

“What we need,” said Obama, “is someone who can take the disastrous events my administration has to deal with on a daily basis and make them palatable to me through comedy.” While Obama didn’t mention out loud that he wanted a Jon Stewart-type person to take over, sources close to the President say that he has said many, many times “Boy, it was a rough day today. I could really use Jon Stewart to loosen me up tonight before I go to bed.”

In the meantime, Obama has announced that due to his incredible talent for blurting out inappropriate statements which almost always get a chuckle from the press, Joe Biden will fill in as Court Jester until a suitable replacement for Penn can be hired. Obama has ordered Biden to move into the White House until further notice so that he can be on comedic call 24/7.

Bumper Crop of Medical Marijuana Expected in White House Garden

Thanks to a wet and mild spring in the nation’s capital this year, a bumper crop of medical marijuana is expected in the White House garden. Tommy Chong, chief Japanese gardener, (no relation to that other Tommy Chong) claims the plants have started taking over the entire garden.

“This is the first year we decided to grow cannabis in the herb section of the garden,” says Chong “and it’s taking over the place. We’ve got some plants reaching the 2-foot height already and this is only May. We tried cutting the plants back to allow the other herbs to grow, but it just seems to create a stronger plant. The damn things are like those Tribbles in Star Trek. You can’t get rid of them.”

Chong added, half jokingly, “I suspect one of the gardening interns has been sneaking extra plant food to the pot plants to make sure they live long and prosper.”

News of an over-abundant crop of marijuana coming out of the White House garden has already created quite a buzz in medical marijuana circles around the country. Requests are pouring in from dozens of dispensaries inquiring what the White House intends to do with all that pot and offering to take the majority of it off their hands.

Bud Wilkins, who runs the Acme Collective in Sacramento, California, says that as soon as he heard there would be a bumper crop of Maui Waui ready for cultivation later this summer, he jumped on the horn to the White House spokesperson in charge of the project asking for a hand out.

“I remember reading somewhere that the White House issued a statement earlier in the year saying that the pot would not be distributed to local dispensaries. That damn near brought tears to my eyes,” said Wilkins. “I figured since we’re not local, I had to give it a shot.”

Several groups from California, Colorado and Oregon have put in bids as well to try and get some of the primo pot to hand out to their patients. Mary Bridges, official spokesperson for the pet pot project at the White House says she sees no reason why the bumper crop shouldn’t be distributed to those in need of it. “Now all we have to do is sell the President on the idea,” she said.

Bridges surmised that it wouldn’t be much of a problem at all convincing the President and First Lady to distribute the pot to those who need it the most. “After all,” she said, “he has pretty much proven he’ll do just about anything to make sure Americans get the best of everything when it comes to health care.”

Medical Marijuana to be Grown in White House Garden this Year

It is the first week of February, and for Michelle Obama, this means it is time to start planning the White House organic garden. While the garden will again contain a variety of fruits and vegetables as well as a few ornamental flowers, a new addition is sure to create the most controversy ever.

The White House organic garden will include several varieties of medical marijuana. The District of Columbia, like many states, has enacted medical marijuana laws allowing the cultivation of marijuana for medical purposes. A special gardener with a marijuana growing license has been appointed to oversee this particular plot of the garden.

Tommy Chong, no relation to Tommy Chong of Cheech and Chong fame, is a Japanese gardener who is well versed in the various types of cannabis and their medicinal properties. Marijuana will comprise only a small part of the “medicinal herb” portion of the White House garden this year, which will also include various sage plants, lemon verbena, St. Johnswort, Valerian, Feverfew, Eyebright, and others.

A spokesperson for the garden project claims that this will be a first for the White House. “Marijuana has gotten a bad rap for decades,” said Mary Bridges, no relation to Jeff Bridges, notorious for his vocal backing of the legalization of marijuana. “Cultivating medical marijuana in the White House garden will send a clear message to America that this administration will do whatever it takes, including growing Maui Waui, (a particularly potent Hawaiian variety of the plant) to assure better health for our citizens.”

Asked if this means that the medical marijuana grown in the White House garden will be distributed and sold to local dispensaries in the area, Ms. Bridges replied “Oh heavens no. While growing medical marijuana is allowed, we have not yet approved the opening of any dispensaries in our area.

Anticipating the next question, Ms. Bridges explained “No, the Obamas are in excellent health and will not be using the marijuana themselves for any health issues.”  

Michael Moore Secretly on Tap to Advise New Chief of Staff

While it is true that Peter Rouse has taken over for Rahm Emanuel as White House Chief of Staff, there are rumors floating about the White House that it is Michael Moore and not Rouse who is now running the show for our President.

Moore has been tapped to be a top advisor to Rouse in the short time running up to the elections. If all goes well, Moore will take an even more active role in advising the advisor for the remainder of Obama’s term as President.

While no official press reports are expected on this major strategic move, there have been plenty of eyewitness sightings of Moore, Rouse and Obama meeting daily at the Waffle Shop on E Street in Washington discussing political strategy over burgers, fries and salads. Moore jokingly said his first order of business is getting the President to eat salads instead of his usual burger and fries but it seems to be an uphill battle. Moore claims he’s had private talks with Michelle and she jokingly confided that she has no worries about her husband raiding the Presidential Garden. Moore promised to help Michelle out as well when he isn’t telling Rouse what to say and do.

Moore was overheard by patrons explaining to Rouse that the biggest hurdle to the job of getting the Democrats re-elected to office senate seats is that there aren’t enough crazies in the bunch to make anyone stand out. “What we need, Pete, is a political base that isn’t afraid to talk tough right back to those tea party nut jobs. Quit taking their crap and tell them if they can’t tell the truth, they can’t represent Duluth, or something like that. You know, something catchy.”

It’s reported that Rouse really isn’t much of a Michael Moore fan and is taking this news rather hard. In fact, he’s losing a bit of weight as he just sits at the daily meal picking at his food and grimacing instead of bringing anything constructive to the table, like the metaphorical hot sauce on chicken wings so to speak.

Meanwhile, Moore has written Rouse’s first official statement for him which includes the words liberal and wussies in several places and which promises that there’ll be no more shellacking of the Democrats once Moore gets done with them. We are going to scrub those babies clean and give them a whole new veneer, one that is tough as nails but doesn’t need any shellack. “It will be all shine, but no shellack,” said Moore, using yet another of the metaphorical statements that seems to have gotten Moore this most prized position in the administration.

His camera crews, however, were told to turn off their cameras and put the next movie project on hold until after Moore’s tenure in the White House is on more stable ground.

Helen Thomas’ Attempt at Satire Backfires

Washington, D.C. – Fur continues to fly over what some claim are very divisive comments by White House reporter Helen Thomas regarding Israel’s presence in Palestine. While Helen has apologized to everyone regarding the flap, the issue is just not going away and now she is losing speaking engagements because of it. Thomas is reportedly blaming a certain satire site for the insensitive comments made on video.

Thomas issued a statement Sunday that goes further to explain her comments and what was behind them. “It was satire, actually a poor, misguided attempt at satire that brought me down after all my years as a reporter. I should have stuck with the news and left the funny business to those other people at Glossy News. All I can say is, I’m sorry, and it won’t happen again.”

 “Saying I’m sorry just doesn’t get it on this one Helen,” said Abraham Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation League. “What part of anti-defamation don’t you get? And just when did you decide all this is a joke?”

Helen, of course, was referring to the website Glossy News which is a satire site where writers take the headline news and make light of it. Helen claims that she was spending a lot of time last weekend reading all the stories on Glossy News and just lost track of reality. “I got to the point where I couldn’t discern truth from fiction. Everything, from Sarah Palin to the oil spill started spinning in my head and I could no longer think seriously.”

After a full day of reading Glossy News, Helen went on to make her famous remark when asked about the Israelis in Palestine. “Send them all back to Germany and Poland is what I said,” remarked a sorrowful Thomas. “Damn those Glossy writers. I should have known better than to think that I could make light of the situation in the Middle East. From now on, if I want funny, I’ll stick with reading the Wall Street Journal.”

Joe Biden Sits on White House Toilet…With Door Open…and Whistles

Washington, D.C. - “Clueless Joe” as they are calling him these days, seems to be losing it bit by bit, as he wanders through the White House talking to no one in particular and asking the maid if she needs any help. Seems Mr. Biden is finding it hard to keep himself busy as vice-president.

And the latest word from the staff is that Joe has no idea how unnerving it is to go past the 1^st floor bathroom right off the kitchen and see him sitting there on the throne, reading the latest press releases and whistling a tune. “It’s getting to the point where we’d rather see ghosts in the hallway than to be subjected to this scene,” said one of the kitchen staff members. No one has the guts to say anything to him and when we see him in the hall, we just try and steer clear of that bathroom cause we know what we’re gonna see. It’s awfully upsetting.”

When asked to explain why Joe won’t close the door and give himself some privacy when doing #2, Joe Biden’s secretary had this to say, “Joe has been like this ever since I met him many years ago at his campaign headquarters. He’d come in, say hi to everyone, shake their hands, and then head straight to the can, door wide open, poll results in hand, and whistle some happy little diddy as he did his business. At first, we were aghast, but we later just got use to his quirkiness and, although I can’t speak for the rest of the gang, his unusual way of using the toilet no longer bothers me. Joe’s an outgoing, affable man, and he honestly just doesn’t give a crap (no pun intended) about being embarrassed about anything.”

Some say that this habit of Joe’s goes all the way back to kindergarten, when he’d ask to use the restroom between classrooms and sit there pleased as you may looking at the pictures in his ABC book, whistling as he made poopie, as he liked to call it, all while leaving the door wide open. He’d even yell hello to any kids passing through, that’s how friendly Joe was and still is today.

Whatever the reason, special assistants have been assigned to the “Joe detail” so as to head off any truly embarrassing moments that may happen when tour groups come to call. Their only purpose is to watch for Joe at any one of the bathrooms he frequents during the day and follow him to make sure his door is closed. Said one assistant, “it’s not so bad. We just follow him to the bathroom, wait for him to get comfortable and when we hear whistling, we just avert our eyes, reach for the door, and pull it shut so that all you hear is happy whistling on the other side. Everybody wins.”

Candy Throwing Incident at White House Further Strains US/Afghanistan Relations

Relations between Afghanistan and the United States were further strained last week due to an unfortunate misunderstanding involving President Obama and the Afghani leader, Hamid Karzai.

The incident happened in the Oval office as the two were just sitting down to discuss what could be done to repair broken ties between the two countries. Evidently, taking his cue from the U.S. summer hit television show “Dating in the Dark,” Karzai took out a box of smoked salt caramels (Obama’s favorite candy) and proceeded to hurl them one at a time in the direction of the President. Unable to fend off the barrage of confections, Obama took direct hits on the side of his nose as well as to the corner of his left eye.

Upon hearing Obama’s cries for help, secret service officers rushed into the room in time to witness Obama diving under his presidential desk, as Karzai continued to lob the candy in his direction.

Karzai was taken into custody and upon interrogation, gave this account of the incident. “I love American television and I watch it every day. When I saw the episode on ‘Dating in the Dark,’ where one girl took a piece of candy and threw it at another girl and hit her in the face, I thought that throwing candy was a sign of affection in America. I found out that President Obama’s favorite candy comes from Fran’s Chocolates in Seattle, and I had my secretary secure a box of the caramels so that I could throw them to him during our meeting.” He continued, “I do not know what all the fuss is about. It’s not like I threw a shoe at President Obama. I thought I was honoring him by pelting him with his favorite treats.”

Once Karzai was restrained, the officers went back into the Oval Office to find Obama still hunkered down under his desk, chewing on one of the offending missiles. “At least Hamid threw the correct candy,” Obama mused. “God forbid he would throw ordinary Kraft caramels at me.”

“The President was pretty banged up,” one of the officers commented. “He looked like he had just gotten out of the ring with Joe Louis. He is gonna have one hell of a shiner come tomorrow morning.”

The meeting between Obama and Karzai was cancelled and a new meeting date was not announced. “We need to take a close look at this incident to determine whether President Karzai’s excuse that he thought throwing candy at someone in America was considered an act of endearment, or whether he intentionally meant to harm the President,” said a White House spokesperson. “Until we can assure the complete safety of President Obama, there will be no more meetings between him and Karzai.”

When asked if he’ll be more careful about the American shows he watches in the future, Karzai had this to say, “No, I’m sorry to say, that I am hooked on American television. I am looking forward with great interest to season 8 of the series “24.” There is so much good stuff on that show, I don’t miss an episode.” With that, Karzai was whisked away to the airport and his flight home to Afghanistan.