Joe the Plumber Running for Congress Because He Claims America’s Going Down the Toilet

What the hell? I need beer and cigarette money

Joe the Plumber is back. You remember him…the guy who pressed candidate Barack Obama about the constitutionality of paying taxes…the guy who candidate John McCain thrust onto the political scene at the behest of Sarah Palin? Yea, that guy.

Joe the Plumber has indicated that he’s running for Congress because he claims America is going down the toilet, and let’s face it, plumbers know this kind of stuff better than the rest of us.

But, you say, don’t candidates need to be flush with cash to run for office these days? Why yes they do. While plumbers do make a pretty good living compared to some other trades, an out-of-work plumber is a whole different story.

So, then, who do you suppose made Joe decide to take the plunge? We’d wager to bet it’s either Rupert Murdoch or the Koch Brothers. We all know that these guys just love to throw wrenches into political races, especially ones centered around highly charged Democratic primaries (Dennis Kucinich vs. Marcy Kaptur in 9th Congressional District).

Maybe becoming a Congressman is just a pipe dream for Joe the Plumber, but hey, with the right backing, who knows? At least that way, he’d have a job and no longer be a drain on society, and really, isn’t that what it’s all about these days?

Pentagon Buys J.D. Salinger’s Toilet for $1 Million

The Pentagon today announced that in keeping with the President’s unofficial request to keep spending to a minimum, it would henceforth be purchasing many items used from the popular auction site, eBay at considerably less than they would cost if bought outright from government contractors. In fact, the House Appropriations Committee has declared eBay an official government supply contractor from here on out.

The first purchase under this new edict was J.D. Salinger’s toilet for the bargain-basement price of $1 Million dollars. Pentagon requisition chief, Hoobie Cheeper said today that their bid beat out many others and everyone at the Pentagon were celebrating the purchase. “Do you know what toilets cost from Xe, the company formerly known as Blackwater? Upwards of two mil each,” said Cheeper, and that’s without the seat. The seat usually costs another $200,000. It got to the point where were having to install toilets in all the latrines without seats.

In the same block of auctions, the Pentagon also picked up a dozen used Bic pens from the Salinger collection for $50,000 for the lot, and several steno pads at $25 apiece. Although the steno pads had writing on them, the government just couldn’t pass up the bargain and said they could use the other sides of the paper for important message writing and appropriations budget memos.

Army Sergeant 1^st Class Hugh Binhad has been assigned to special eBay duty to scout the boards daily for bargains like that of the Salinger toilet. “With a budget of a gob of money,” says Binhad, “I’m sure to be able to outfit the Pentagon with some really neat stuff.”

Joe Biden Sits on White House Toilet…With Door Open…and Whistles

Washington, D.C. - “Clueless Joe” as they are calling him these days, seems to be losing it bit by bit, as he wanders through the White House talking to no one in particular and asking the maid if she needs any help. Seems Mr. Biden is finding it hard to keep himself busy as vice-president.

And the latest word from the staff is that Joe has no idea how unnerving it is to go past the 1^st floor bathroom right off the kitchen and see him sitting there on the throne, reading the latest press releases and whistling a tune. “It’s getting to the point where we’d rather see ghosts in the hallway than to be subjected to this scene,” said one of the kitchen staff members. No one has the guts to say anything to him and when we see him in the hall, we just try and steer clear of that bathroom cause we know what we’re gonna see. It’s awfully upsetting.”

When asked to explain why Joe won’t close the door and give himself some privacy when doing #2, Joe Biden’s secretary had this to say, “Joe has been like this ever since I met him many years ago at his campaign headquarters. He’d come in, say hi to everyone, shake their hands, and then head straight to the can, door wide open, poll results in hand, and whistle some happy little diddy as he did his business. At first, we were aghast, but we later just got use to his quirkiness and, although I can’t speak for the rest of the gang, his unusual way of using the toilet no longer bothers me. Joe’s an outgoing, affable man, and he honestly just doesn’t give a crap (no pun intended) about being embarrassed about anything.”

Some say that this habit of Joe’s goes all the way back to kindergarten, when he’d ask to use the restroom between classrooms and sit there pleased as you may looking at the pictures in his ABC book, whistling as he made poopie, as he liked to call it, all while leaving the door wide open. He’d even yell hello to any kids passing through, that’s how friendly Joe was and still is today.

Whatever the reason, special assistants have been assigned to the “Joe detail” so as to head off any truly embarrassing moments that may happen when tour groups come to call. Their only purpose is to watch for Joe at any one of the bathrooms he frequents during the day and follow him to make sure his door is closed. Said one assistant, “it’s not so bad. We just follow him to the bathroom, wait for him to get comfortable and when we hear whistling, we just avert our eyes, reach for the door, and pull it shut so that all you hear is happy whistling on the other side. Everybody wins.”

Toilet Paper Nation (TPN)--Youngest Grassroots Party to Take on Washington

Butte, MT – A new right-wing fringe political party calling itself the Toilet Paper Nation or (TPN) is the latest and youngest grassroots movement to go after what they believe is a Washington that is out of touch with the youth of America.  The party, made up of mostly high school sophomores, has a simple message for Washington’s business as usual, “Washington, Sh*t or Get off the Pot.”

In an interview today on the Jeff Gray Morning Show on Butte radio station KMBR, Toilet Paper Nation organizer, Hugh R. Cuttinem, 17, explained why he and fellow Toilet Paperer, Nadine Gullberry, decided to start the Toilet Paper Nation. “About a year ago, a few of us Tea Party (TP) teenagers got together after attending a Tea Party rally with our folks, and started shooting the sh*t about how sick and tired we were of Washington flushing our parents’ tax dollars down the toilet, so to speak. We realized how the Tea Party just wasn’t well, our cup of tea. There were too many irregularities in what they stood for. That’s when Nadine said, ‘You know, every time I see TPN, I think Toilet Paper Nation, not Tea Party Nation. From then on, the puns started flowing and what originally started as a joke just gained momentum. We got back to school on Monday and told a few friends and by the end of the day, we had TP delegates in 14 states thanks to Twitter and Facebook. We now have delegates in just about every state.

Cuttinem claims that they are already looking at backing a couple of candidates who are thinking of running in this year’s state races and thinks they have a chance mainly due to their high moral fiber. The teens have been contacted by Joe the Plumber, who has indicated a real willingness to join the TP movement and run for office in Ohio. Just this past weekend, Joe gave a short statement to the press about his disenchantment with the Republican Party and John McCain in particular. He was quoted as saying “McCain was just using me as the face of middle America. He lied to me and he lied to America. I don’t owe him sh*t.” Said Cuttinem, “You see? Joe’s already using the lingo. He’s gonna be a great asset to our movement.”

Gullberry couldn’t agree with Joe more. “We’re the right party for him because we are flush with young, new ideas to turn this country around. We are all about the constitution, and Joe would make a perfect Senator. Just because we are sophomores in high school, doesn’t mean we can’t get involved in the electoral process. In fact, some of our classmates really like the idea. Instead of calling us nerds, we are now known around the country as ‘terds,’” she said proudly, "and soon, hopefully, Joe the Plumber is gonna be the biggest terd of all in Ohio.”

The only problem the group foresees right now is who their #1 and #2 candidates in the 2012 Presidential election should be. Cuttinem says that the old farts, like Dick Cheney, need not apply. “We’re looking more toward Glenn Beck as a possibility for the #1 terd spot, and there is a another guy who we have our eye on by the name of William M. ‘B.M.’ Daley, nephew of Chicago’s Mayor Daley, who is as fed up as us with the two-party system and is chomping at the bit to break from his family’s Democratic roots and run in a grassroots capacity for the Senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama and presently held by Roland Burris, who won’t be running for re-election.”

Grey asked Cuttinem if all the “toilet humor” will wear a bit thin toward election time, ruining their chances of being taken seriously. Cuttinem replied, “[N]ope, young voters relate really well to us and at the same time, we’re being taken just as serious as everyone else who wants to do their business in Washington. The double entendre will serve us well in the upcoming races. It is what people remember about us, and in politics, that’s the only way to roll when building a strong movement.”