Lady Gaga Mistaken for Letterman Band Leader Paul Shaffer

It was quite an embarrassing evening for Lady Gaga Saturday when fans approached her from behind and began shouting “Paul, Paul Shaffer, can I have your autograph?”

Gaga has recently gone bald and while many love her no matter what she looks like, most agree that the look is not one of her best.

“I swear to God,” said one female fan, “I could have sworn it was Paul Shaffer when I approached from the rear. Although,” she says, “I did a double take because it didn’t make sense to me that Shaffer would be wearing short shorts and fishnet stockings.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger Accomplishes Biggest Lifetime Achievement

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in the news a lot recently due to a story that broke regarding his fathering a love child with his housekeeper many years ago. While this is something he is definitely not proud of, the former Governor of California credits the scandal with bringing to an end one of the biggest irritations of his professional career.

What exactly is that milestone you ask? Actually, this is the first time since Schwarzenegger became a household name that everyone one from 3^rd grade up is finally able to correctly spell his last name without Googling it or putting a (?) next to it.

“I have been waiting for this day all my life,” said Schwarzenegger at a recent red carpet event. “I was beginning to think there really was a “t” in the middle of my name. And," he continued, "had I not constantly screwed up in my life, I may never have known the pleasure this day has brought me."

Schwarzenegger has some advice for fellow actors Zach Galifianakis and Shia LaBeouf.

“Get out there men and make some waves any way you can. It’s easier than you think. Just have unprotected sex with a maid or get drunk and run into a fire hydrant. Hell, guys, take drugs if that is what it will take to get your name in the headlines 24/7. Before you know it, you too will be able to read stories about yourself without finding that effin’ question mark following your name.”

Crystal Harris Cancels Wedding After Learning Hef Plans Honeymoon for Five

The Caldwell Triplets are going to have to find something else to do for the next ten days because the honeymoon they were invited to go on with Hugh Hefner and his anticipated new bride Crystal Harris has been cancelled.

Harris would not give a specific reason for cancelling the wedding but insiders claim that the whole event came to a screeching halt when Crystal found five plane tickets in Hef’s smoking jacket for a trip to Tahiti.

“Ms. Harris was devastated to learn that her intended husband had no intention of changing his ways and realized that her honeymoon was going to be more like a ‘honeys moon’ as Sissy, Sassy and Missy Caldwell were invited to share the honeymoon suite with the happy couple,” said an unidentified aid to Mr. Hefner.

This wasn’t the first red flag thrown in Crystal’s face leading up to the wedding. Rumor has it that Hef took it upon himself to plan Crystal’s bachelorette party right down to the Harvey Wallbangers and skinny dipping in the mansion hot tub.

“It was like the 70’s all over again,” said Crystal. How can I compete with the 70’s? I’m only 25 freakin’ years old. Crystal claims that she totally lost it when the Caldwell sisters, who are all visibly over the age of 29, showed up for the party wearing paisley midriffs and daisy dukes.

Asked how she even knew what paisley was, Crystal replied “Oh I know what that is because every freakin’ smoking jacket Hef owns is lined with it. In fact,” she said, “I think I may be ruined for life because every time I see paisley now, I get an image of an old wrinkly man. Jesus, what the hell was I thinking?” she said as she left the mansion.

Rioting in Vancouver Saves Couple’s Marriage

Photo: Rich Lam/Getty Images

Rick Barris, a resident of Vancouver, British Columbia, now knows what he has to do to keep the embers of his marriage smoldering—throw rocks and bottles at police cars.

Rick was caught in the middle of a downtown riot after the Vancouver Canucks hockey team lost to the Boston Bruins 4-0 thereby losing the Stanley Cup. He was taking his wife Katie home after the game and found himself in a situation where it was fight for your life or run like a chicken. Rick decided to fight, but he wasn’t prepared for the reaction it got from Katie, who happens to be an even bigger fan than he of the Canucks.

“I saw Rick chucking bricks at police cars and helping overturn them and got so excited, I just can’t explain it. I know what he was doing was wrong,” she continued, tossing her blond locks to one side and smiling ever so slightly, “but it really turned me on. I stopped Rick, mid-brick, and told him ‘take me here, take me now,’ and we ended up making love right in the middle of the riots.”

The couple had been going through a real rough patch in the bedroom ever since Rick was told he had high blood pressure and was prescribed medication. “We tried everything,” said Katie. “Gels, lotions, potions, porn and more, but the flame was out and we were headed for divorce,” she said.

Rick agreed. “Yeah, just before the game, as a matter of fact, I had told Katie that I was thinking of just chucking it in and going back to live with my mom. I’m a huge Canucks fan,” he said, “but I couldn’t be happier that the Bruins kicked their ass.”

Rick claims that he doesn’t know what got into Katie but thinks it had something to do with them both being surrounded by flames, mayhem, and danger “and there I was making hot, passionate love to my wife right in the middle of it all. Now I know literally what it feels like to be Bruce Willis in his Die Hard days,” said Rick.

Rick says he and Katie have discussed what happened at length and have agreed that if they’re fortunate, they can find enough brawls to get involved in on an ongoing basis so that Rick will never have to take a tiny blue pill again for as long as he lives.

Patio Pal Pot Plant Kit Receives Conditional US Patent

An enterprising inventor has just announced his success in obtaining a conditional patent for a garden container he calls the “Patio Pal Pot Plant Kit.”

Bartholomew “Bongo “ Jones, age 74, has been working on obtaining a patent for the Patio Pal for three years and was delighted when he finally received word that his invention has passed the second of three hurdles in becoming an item that can be sold in stores nationwide [legally].

“Unfortunately,” said Bongo, “the last hurdle is the killer”…getting the feds to allow him to sell drug paraphernalia across state lines. However, once that glitch is worked out, Bongo claims that it is only a matter of a few months before consumers will be able to purchase the Patio Pal Pot Plant Kits complete with several different varieties of seeds at their local medical marijuana dispensaries [in states with medical marijuana laws on the books].

“All you will need is your medical marijuana card, a patio, and a green thumb,” claims the gardening grandpa,“and you’ll be growing your own pot from a hanging pot on your porch just like the professionals.”

Fashioned after the highly popular ‘Topsy Turvy’ upside down tomato planter, Bongo claims you can grow your pot in either direction. “Grow them right side up,” says Bongo, “or upside down to goof on your friends. It’s your choice.”

Bongo guarantees the special hybrid cannabis seeds he sells with the pot (growing container) are designed to grow low to the soil, but at the same time retain all the medicinal properties of plants three or four times their height.

The kits should be in local dispensaries come late summer in time for the fall growing season.

Woman Injured After Practicing Faulty Feng Shui

Gladys Schumwerner of Columbus, Ohio suffered a broken finger and several lacerations after the laughing Buddha she attached to a wire hanging from her ceiling fell, hitting her squarely in the left hand. It was the third in several unfortunate mishaps since Gladys decided to change her luck by re-arranging her home to allow the chi to flow more effectively.

“It’s called Feng Shui,” said Gladys from the emergency room of the Mercy Medical Center near her home, “and it is supposed to make your life better as you practice it.” But Schumwerner admits the only thing she’s gotten out of it so far is bad luck.

Just last week, Gladys was taken to the emergency room with slight burns on her scalp. “I was trying to arrange Tibetan prayer flags on by back patio,” said Gladys. “I’ve always loved the colorful square patches of material. Unfortunately, I lost my grip on the flags and the string of them fell across the lit citronella candle I had on a nearby table. Who knew those suckers were so flammable?”

 Gladys admits she may have cut a few cosmic corners in trying to ‘Feng Shui’ her home and surroundings. But she says not everything was entirely her fault. For instance, she claims that the electric miniature ‘Abundance Fountain’ she bought at the dollar store was defective. “So much for saving money,” said Gladys. “That tripping incident cost me two chipped teeth and a sprained ankle,” she added with a slight whistle.

Asked if she was finished with trying to change her luck, Gladys said she wasn’t. “I still firmly believe in Feng Shui, but now I’m proof positive that it has a dark side. From now on, I’m gonna stick with what I know.” Which is? “Rabbits’ feet, four-leaf clovers, and lots and lots of prayer,” she answered.

Can Newt Gingrich Stay Out of Trouble with Bachmann and Palin in GOP Race

In order for Newt Gingrich to be able to compete in a widening field of candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination, he’s had to come clean about his past womanizing. While no one is really buying his excuse that his passion for his country led him to act inappropriately at times, that very passion may just be his downfall again if Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin continue their individual quests for the same nomination.

It’s cost Newt a half million in jewelry so far to keep his wife Callista happy. Image how much more it’s gonna cost if he spends too much time on the campaign trail bumping into those two conservative sirens. Many are asking if he’ll be able to tame his passion in view of the fact that both women are reasonably attractive and both claim to be extremely patriotic themselves. The temptation may prove to be too much for Newt.

Actually, during Monday’s GOP debate where several close ups caught Gingrich appearing just a little too happy to be situated next to Michele Bachmann, bets were already on that he’s looking to extend his line of credit at Tiffany’s.