The Dougherty Gang Getting Their Own Reality Show

The Dougherty Gang, a trio of siblings consisting of two brothers and a sister, are well-known for their crime spree that spanned several states, including Florida, Georgia and Colorado. They don’t mind shooting cops if they have to, and they smile for their mug shots, if they want to.

The gang was finally arrested in Colorado and the siblings are currently being held on more than $2.5 million bond each. But according to reports coming out of Hollywood immediately after the news of their capture, there is a chance that one big reality news network is willing to put up that bond money to get exclusive rights to the story of those three badass kids.

“Let ‘em out, and give ‘em to us,” said an unnamed spokesperson. “With a makeover and the promise of making more than they do now robbing banks, we might just eventually show them a better path.” He then added with a smile, “Oh hell, who am I kidding? With gang member, Lee Grace’s penchant for taking her clothes off, we stand to get way more than just a crime spree with this trio. We might have to hawk this one to Showtime.”

With bail being met, the courts would have no alternative other than to release the kids, and most assuredly, they’d return to their life of crime. The only difference this time would be that there would be cameras rolling and donuts in the crew van every morning for the star criminals before they hit the banks.

Charlie Sheen Backing Rick Perry for President Because “He’s Smokin’ Hot”

It used to be that a person would back a Presidential candidate based on his voting record and his willingness to serve the American people. Honorable men and women would ask for your vote and in exchange, they would let you know exactly how they stand on the issues. No changing their minds. If they were for public health care or against it, you knew and that’s why you put your vote behind that person.

But today, it takes little more than a pretty face and some charming wiles to get a person’s vote—case in point, Sarah Palin. And, that same pretty-face reason is why Charlie Sheen announced last week that if Rick Perry does announce his run for the Presidency, he’s backing him all the way, vote-wise and maybe even financially, if, indeed he [Sheen] has any post-cocaine money left.

Sheen’s announcement came with little fanfare. It was broadcast on LA Access television, and for those who weren’t able to catch it, here’s what Sheen said about Perry:

“Hell yeah, I’ll vote for Rich Perry, or Rick or whatever the hell his name is. I mean, what’s in a name anyway? It’s how he looks that grabs ya, man. I mean, look at those coal black beady eyes set back in that forehead, and that sun-damaged face, ya gotta go for the man, cause even after all that sun damage, he still looks faboo. I hear it is really hot in Texas right now. Is it? The point is that no matter whether bear season is upon us or that green polka-dots definitely don’t do pink any justice, speaking of justice, which there definitely isn’t any when it comes to Wahini bikinis, Rich Perry is smokin’ hot and I’m voting for him.”

Charlie’s handlers were extremely proud of him after the announcement. Said Drew Pugmore, his personal assistant, “Hell, we could care less he’s found a person to vote for or even who that person is. What is important is that for the first time in I can’t tell you how long, Charlie started a thought and instead of rambling on aimlessly until we had to wipe drool from his chin, he came back to that original thought. That’s progress, man, real progress. Way to go, Charlie.”

Rick Perry Running for President So He Can Abolish the Job

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that the only reason he is considering a run for President in 2012 is so that, once elected, he can use his executive power to abolish the post of President.

Confused? Let me explain. Perry is a strong proponent of states’ rights. He believes that each individual state in the United States, including Texas, should be allowed to set their own laws regarding such things as education, labor laws, and civil rights. With no federal government, it would no longer be necessary to have a federal government figurehead.

In order for Perry to become President, he would have to renounce his stand on states’ rights, that is unless he becomes President just long enough to abolish the post of President all together and revert back to being the Governor of Texas.

In a recent speech, Perry’s distaste for federal government interference was palpable. “We don’t want to have to give school kids free lunches if we don’t want to,” he said. “Of course, if we want to, we will, but we won’t if we don’t want to and the federal government can’t make us.”

Perry has his lawyers checking on the constitutionality of a President abolishing the office of President of the United States, but says that regardless of their answer, he’s still gonna run for President just to scare the hell out of all his fellow Republican rivals.

Perry is also checking whether or not it would be feasible to create a new job for himself once he fires himself from the office of President of the United States and is unable to return to the post of Texas’ governor. He’s thinking President of Texas sounds pretty good.

Wisconsin Masochist Coalition Overjoyed with Tuesday’s Election Results

Ed Note: For those who aren't following my train of thought on this one. Suffice it to say, this was a bit of satire on all the folks who bitch about who is in office, but don't do anything about it. Ya basically just voted to keep the a-holes in office who are hell bent on taking what little you have left and giving it to them that already has. After the earlier protests, I just didn't see those election results coming.

A close-knit group of Wisconsin voters calling themselves the Wisconsin Masochist Coalition (WMC) couldn’t be happier about the results of Tuesday’s recall election whereby the Republican Party lost only two of its six seats to the Democrats. This means Governor Scott Walker will continue to be able to heap his brand of punishment upon the people of Wisconsin without compromise, making the WMC ecstatic.

The WMC was formed after Scott Walker passed a controversial bill earlier this year, stripping the collective bargaining rights of public employees. The voting bloc claims it siezed the perfect opportunity to see to it that their pain would increase by accepting the continuous punishment meted out by Walker and the Republicans in the form of serious budget cuts for the working class people of Wisconsin.

“We are neither Republicans nor are we Democrats,” claims Brutus McNabb of Kenosha, Wisconsin. “We are merely a small group of independent voters who enjoy getting the crap kicked out of us.”

McNabb claims the tougher Walker gets, the happier his group is. “We could not ask for a more perfect leader,” said McNabb. “When he says things like ‘let’s kick some butt’ and ‘don’t mess with Scott Walker or I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich,’ well, he’s our guy, no doubt about it.” The WMC claims it will do everything humanly possible to keep, in their words, ‘the Marquis de Wisconsin’ in office.

We’ll continue to vote for Walker,” said McNabb, “because, let’s face it, he won’t be happy until everyone in this state is hurting. And when we’re hurting, we’re happy.”

Tea Party Poopers Take Tea Party to Task

Seems a good many Americans are worried about their financial futures now that Standard and Poors recklessly downgraded the country’s credit rating to AA+. While they don’t get that S&P’s actions were politically driven and highly irresponsible, they do get that the Tea Party was behind it all.

This week, however, a new political action group, known as the Tea Party Poopers, was organized for the sole purpose of taking the Tea Party out of the equation come hell or high water.

“Although they’ve only been around now for a couple of years,” claims Ted Leigh, organizer of the Tea Party Poopers, “the Tea Party Patriots have wreaked havoc on our political system, and this latest ploy to gain attention by holding up the vote on the debt ceiling was the last straw.”

The Tea Party Poopers say they have a defense strategy to take down the Tea Party at all costs. “When they’re in Washington protesting, we’ll be in Washington protesting. When they have one of their elected goons vote down an important piece of legislation, we’ll have not one but two of our goons, er, elected representatives, counter that vote and cancel the no with a yes, or vice versa depending on the legislation.”

“Killjoy’s in town,” said another Tea Party Pooper member, “and our sole purpose for being is to take all the fun out of the little soiree the Tea Partiers have been hosting in Washington.”

“Exactamundo,” said Leigh, “We’re about to drain their beer tap, marry off their cousins, and pay the honkey-tonk singer to take the night off, so there ain’t no more reason for the rubes to stick around.”

Rick Perry Wins Over Evangelicals by Speaking in Tongues

By most Christian leaders’ estimates, Rick Perry’s “The Response,” a national day of prayer and fasting, was a pretty big success. Backed by the American Family Association, Perry pulled in about 30,000 Christian followers to Reliant Stadium in Houston.

While Perry claims his main goal was to bring people together to pray for America, there can be no doubt that the true purpose behind the rally was to win support of the Evangelicals for his eventual run for President. With that in mind, Perry and his people knew that it would take a lot more than a fancy stage, some good old-fashioned Bible thumping, and a no-barbeque prayer meeting to convince America’s Evangelicals he was their guy.

While Perry acknowledged at the rally that “I am one of you,” referring to his being a devout Evangelical, he backed it up with strong words—in a totally undecipherable language. That’s right, Rick Perry began speaking in tongues. While he only did so for a short while, it had an amazing impact on the crowd.

“From that point forward,” claims a close Perry adviser, “we knew he had the support he was looking for, and he was going to enter into the Presidential race with a new-found confidence.”

After the rally dispersed, Perry was asked to comment on his experience.

“Wow, that was incredible,” he said. “I always wondered how they did that. I had no idea until now how it felt to have the Holy Spirit enter your body,” he marveled.

“Just a quick question,” said Perry. “Was that a real ghost? I mean, I’m not gonna be like possessed or anything now, am I?”

MMA’s Dennis Hallman Explains Wearing Tight Speedos in UFC Fight

MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter Dennis “Superman” Hallman caused quite a stir Saturday night when he walked into the UFC ring wearing a too-tight pair of Speedo trucks to take on opponent Brian Ebersole.

UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) President Dana White claims later he was totally embarrassed watching the fight with, as he put it “Hallman’s junk practically in my face.” In fact, he was so offended that after Ebersole beat Hallman in the fight, White rewarded him (Ebersole) with a $70,000 bonus for “getting those horrific shorts out of the ring.”

Asked later about his decision to wear the Speedo trunks, Hallman had this to say “You know what offends me? Guys who shoot first and ask questions later. If Dana would have just come to me and asked me what was up, I would have told him the truth,” said Hallman.

Hallman claims he had a swim date later after the fight on Saturday and decided to just wear his swim trunks into the arena in case the fight ran a little over.

“Don’t you just hate it,” said Hallman, “when people assume things about you based solely on your appearance? Dana is disappointed in his crew. Well, big boo hoo. I’m disappointed in Dana,” said Hallman as he left to get an after-fight spa treatment.