Psychic Chrystal Ball Predicts 2012 as ‘A Mighty Ugly Year’

Ed. Note: It has come to my attention that after printing these predictions, some readers were confused as to the impossibility of a couple of the predictions coming true, necessitating further clarification.

#3 forgot to mention stock market crash mid-year

#5b forgot to mention that Texas Governor Rick Perry will become so enraged after learning he's not going to be POTUS that he took his state rogue

#8 was a flat out lie tucked neatly within the predictions to take advantage one last time of Charlie Sheen's fame before he finally fades into obscurity, which Chrystal Ball predicts that he will.

Hope this clears up the misconceptions.


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World famous Chrystal Ball, self-proclaimed Psychic to the Stars, is at it again, but this time, she’s taking on more than just the entertainment industry. Miss Ball predicts that 2012 is going to be a mighty ugly year, and she warns that folks better get used to ugly because it will pretty much affect every person on the planet.

In her preamble to her ten most important predictions, Chrystal Ball says that not only will 2012 top 2011 as the worst year in recorded history, it won’t even come to a complete end, in the sense that the end is coming before the end of 2012. Confused? Well read on…

1)      While blackbirds again will fall from the skies on New Year’s Day, the real surprise is that they will continue to fall throughout the year, causing great consternation among scientists who, because of the stress of trying to figure out the phenomenon, will become disoriented themselves and start walking into walls inexplicably, causing great injuries among some of the brightest minds in the world.

2)      There will be a shortage of great scientists. (See #1)

3)      Simon Cowell will lose his will to create new talent reality shows. As a result, he will end up penniless in a flat in Manchester, England strumming a second-hand guitar and weeping over photos of Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle.

4)      World-class surfers will die by the hundreds trying to surf the upcoming surge of tsunamis around the world. New technology will make predicting tsunamis as easy as predicting thunderstorms, thereby pinpointing ideal situations for waves as high as 30 meters in some cases. Super surfboards will come equipped with body straps to keep the surfers strapped to the board for the long ride into downtown areas as far inland as 70-100 miles.

5)       Ron Paul wins the GOP nomination and goes on to become the President of the United States. Paul attributes his political successes to all spectrums of the population saying that the liberals voted for him because he promised to end all wars and bring home all troops; the conservatives voted for him because as much as they disliked him, they disliked the alternatives more; and the centrists voted for him because as much as they say they want to pay taxes, the truth is, no one wants to pay taxes and Ron Paul said he wouldn’t make anyone pay taxes. That, and the fact that he chose Hulk Hogan as his running mate.

5a) The country falls into total disrepair due to the fact that no one is required to pay federal taxes any longer and the states just aren’t interested in mandating any new laws because it costs too much. Dallas, Texas becomes the nation’s capital and Ron Paul designates the set of Dallas as his new Presidential residence.

5b) Texas secedes from the Union leaving the United States without a leader.

6)      Cardboard becomes one of the hottest commodities on the market as more and more families are forced out of their homes and left to build makeshift homes out of the appliance boxes and packing crates of the rich. School janitor becomes the hottest job in America as Newt Gingrich’s suggestion that school children be forced to clean their own schools to pay for school books and supplies catches fire. The Labor Department lowers the working age to 8 to accommodate the new working class (literally).

7)       Piers Morgan is deported back to Surrey, England after being accused and found guilty of rigging major cricket matches for personal financial gain. Americans hold biggest party in the nation’s history.

8)      Charlie Sheen falls off the wagon three more times before joining the Hari Krishnas and turning celibate in the sense that he promised to only date one woman at a time.

9)      Major cities across America are bought by the Chinese. Won’s Won Ton Palace replaces McDonald’s as the hottest food franchise in the world.

10)   The Mayans get the date 12/21/12 wrong by one day throwing the entire world into chaos and Christians into apoplectic shock.

Anderson Cooper Set to Propose to Kathy Griffin at Midnight

Well, folks, you can stop wondering whether (1) Anderson Cooper is gay; (2) Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are dating; (3) Kathy Griffin is really a guy; or (4) Kathy Griffin is really a guy, gay and dating Anderson Cooper who is also gay, because, evidently, after the ball drops in Times Square tonight, Cooper just may be setting himself up for an even bigger ball drop by proposing to Griffin.

Yep, you heard that right. Sources very close to Anderson Cooper claim that the nice guy of mainstream media fame is ready to propose to the most abrasive woman in show business (in his age group at least). Now all that is left is the answer.

Oddsmakers in Vegas say the sure money is on Kathy yelling ‘yes’ so loud, it will be heard over the noisemakers in Times Square where the two will be hosting “New Years Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.” And they are pretty sure she’ll get something in there about being so excited she just peed her pants before jumping all over Cooper like a red-tufted lemur. There may also be nudity so it is advised that you might want to send the kiddies into the next room to watch “Night of the Walking Dead with Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest” instead.

Most of us can’t imagine what would possess mild-mannered newsman Cooper to go for the self-proclaimed diva whore of stand-up comedy who has openly said more than once that Cooper can’t help it if he was born gay.

“The only way we can possibly explain it,” says Cooper’s best friend Sanjay Gupta, “is that the rumors that the poles are shifting, causing a magnetic disturbance at the equator has somehow affected our Cooper’s thinking and he is just not himself.”

Meanwhile, Cooper remains mum on tonight’s proposal. “If you are asking me straight up if I am going to propose to that madwoman, the answer is a definite no. But, if you are asking me if I could be crazy enough to marry someone like Kathy Griffin, the answer is, ‘hell, man, I’ve stood in Japan in the middle of a nuclear meltdown and took radiation levels on myself for a 24-hour period.’ I think I can handle a firecracker like Griffin.”

Newt Gingrich Snags Vintage VW Bus for Iowa Tour

These days, it’s all about the love when it comes to getting his message across to the voters of America, and Newt Gingrich is doing his level best to keep his temper under control and, in his words, “make this grassroots campaign a positive experience this time around.”

So, instead of seeing Newt show up at the Iowa Caucuses  in a giant luxury bus with his and his wife’s faces splattered all over the side, Newt has snagged a vintage VW bus complete with peace signs and flowers painted on it, circa 1967.

“It’s a beaut,” says Newt. “This little wagon is gonna take us further than the Iowa Caucuses. It is going to take us all the way to the White House…figuratively speaking of course…it is a bit of a gas guzzler.”

Asked if he is just downsizing because the money isn’t flowing into his campaign as quickly as he had hoped, Newt said that wasn’t the case at all. “Truthfully,” he said, “I’m trying the angles that I think will get me the most votes and lack of funds doesn’t enter into the picture.”

Newt claims that just because he didn’t get involved in the 60’s protests, it doesn’t mean he can’t use something as nostalgic as a “Love Bus” to full advantage. “This tour based on peace and harmony is certainly going to resonate with the boomers, who incidentally make up about 60% of the voting base I’m going after,” says Newt.

Having already announced that he is trying to lighten up his campaign by launching a new site “Pets with Newt,” to pander to animal lovers, Newt says the “Love Bus” tour will be the defining moment in his campaign. Hoping to cash in on the popularity of the saying “Who Loves Ya Baby?” Newt says he’s just trying to bring himself down to the level of the older boomers who, after years of smoking weed, might need reminding just who would benefit them the most in the White House.

“A gentle prod here and there, and we’re off to the races,” says an upbeat Newt.

The only drawback to using a vintage VW bus for the Iowa tour is the fact that the inside still smells of pot and patchouli “and that,” says Gingrich’s tagalong mechanic, Gil Brachman, “might be a bit of a problem.” Brachman claims that Gingrich has to be quick to jump out of the side of the van before any of his supporters get a whiff of the inside. “Who knew the smell of pot could last decades inside one of these vans?” said Brachman.

To Newt, however, it is just another positive in a sea of negatives. “You know, if pot were legal in all 50 states, we could sell enough of it out of this van to upgrade to a top-of-the-line Chrysler Town and Country with all the bells and whistles,” he said jokingly to a group of 60-something hippies in Portland, OR just before taking off for Iowa.

You gotta hand it to him. Newt is the only candidate willing to morph into whatever character it takes to keep him in the GOP race regardless of his personal beliefs.

Tareq Salahi Talks Sex, Lies and Videotape to Prove It

Tareq and Michaele Salahi 

Inspiration for Hit Movie "True Lies"

Tareq Salahi is coming out with both guns blazing against his estranged wife, Michaele Salahi, during what one attorney described as one of the most boring celebrity divorce proceedings to ever hit the tabloids.

David Squire, attorney for a group of creditors trying to collect debts owed by the Salahis, claims that he is privy to some really raunchy goings on while the couple were a couple before Michaele left Tariq for musician Neil Schon. “Unfortunately,” he says “none of it is true. They’re both liars,” Squire told Weird News Weekly. It may take years to unravel the lies and deception these two leveled toward each other,” he added.

Tareq disagrees. “I have videotape to prove it, and I’m ready to disgrace myself and what little family I have left by releasing tapes of Michaele and me dressed up like monkeys and doing the tango, if the price is right.”

Tareq was then given the opportunity to retract the statement after it was discovered that the monkey suit he was wearing in the video was actually an ordinary tuxedo and Michaele could not be found anywhere in the room.

Tareq didn’t miss a beat as he then told the newspaper that he was actually an undercover agent for the CIA and only married Michaele to keep close tabs on her as she was considered one of the ringleaders of a Lithuanian Spy Group trying to break one of Washington D.C.’s most elite socialite codes.

For Michele’s part, the former model/cheerleader/college graduate/terminally ill patient says that Tareq is just making the whole thing up to make her look bad.

“He’s just jealous. I happen to know a little something about psychology, having received my Doctorate from Princeton,” said Michaele, “and if anyone is lying, it’s Tareq.”

Jim Sensenbrenner and Rush Limbaugh Big Fat Hippo-Crites

This will be quick folks.

Wisconsin Senator, Jim Sensenbrenner has just been quoted as saying the first lady, Michelle Obama, “has a large posterior.”

Evidently the Senator was trying to make a point that Ms. Obama’s physique doesn’t necessarily match the good works she is doing by getting America’s kids off the couch and eating healthy foods to combat childhood obesity.

Back in February, Rush Limbaugh made basically the same charge against the first lady.

Take a look at this.

Jim Sensenbrenner

Rush Limbaugh

I have absolutely nothing further to say on the matter.

Christmas Cancelled at Last Minute, Stores Deluged with Returns

No one saw it coming. The GOP surely wouldn’t make a move that would be so wildly unpopular with the majority of working America that it could jeopardize Christmas for the 99% who are trying to squeak by with just a tad of dignity intact.

Alas, Virginia, there will be no Christmas this year. Upon hearing the news that GOP lawmakers in the House voted down the measure to keep payroll tax cuts at least for the next couple of months, shoppers began pouring into the stores—not to buy more stuff but to return that which they thought they might be able to afford this year.

“We’re inundated with everything from Lego Building Blocks to Sony laptops,” said Marjorie Cartright, head cashier who is pulling double and triple duty at the Customer Service counter at Wal-Mart. “I’m sure glad the store will be open 24/7 up to Christmas, cause we are gonna need all that time just to get the merchandise back on the shelves.”

It would take a miracle to make the GOP House members realize their actions have ruined what could have been at least a mediocre Christmas for all those folks trying to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, as former GOP candidate Herman Cain suggested.

“I can’t afford boots,” said Mitzy Warner, as she struggled with two shopping carts full of Christmas gifts she was returning to the local Target store near her home in Kalamazoo, Michigan. “Thank God I had the foresight to knit some sweaters and scarves over the past one and a half years that I’ve been unemployed.” Warner claims that those knitted items will make an otherwise bleak Christmas at least palatable for her husband and three young boys.

Meanwhile, the local grocers are baffled as to how to ‘take back’ groceries that have no apparent defects. “Sure, we can take back the staples such as macaroni and cheese and canned items, but we’re not sure those partially thawed hams and turkeys are going to make it through the refund process,” said Noel Weinstock, assistant cashier at Kroger’s, who claims that although she is Jewish, even her family is feeling the pinch.

“There’ll be no dreidels spinning at our house this year,” claimed Noel with a whistful sigh.

Thank goodness the Mercedes and Porche dealers are doing alright, as well as other luxury item retailers. They are, in fact, reporting record sales for this past quarter.

“At least some families will be singing ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ and actually meaning it this year,” said Wilberforce Billingsley, owner of several luxury vehicle dealerships in Chevy Chase, Maryland. “Without us, Christmas just might never have happened this year.”

Ashton Kutcher Claims He’d Be a Fantastic Model if He Weren’t Such an Awesome Actor

"Wait a sec, that isn't me" said Ashton Kutcher
as he was being congratulated on his wardrobe choice

Looking quite dashing in a turquoise blue velvet waistcoat and matching ascot the other evening while waiting for the attendant to bring his car around, we took the opportunity to ask Ashton Kutcher if he ever considered becoming a model instead of an actor.

“Why, no, not officially,” was Kutcher’s answer. “But now that you mention it, I’m sure I would make one fantastic model if it weren’t for my awesome acting career.”

One has to agree that people like Ashton Kutcher have more talent in their little pinky than most of us do in our index and ring fingers combined. Kutcher seemed happy for the opportunity to discuss just how talented he is.

Without prompting, he continued “Why, I’ll bet you if I put my mind to it, I could even sing opera. I have a feeling that if I weren’t such a darned good actor, I’d probably be appearing right now at the Metropolitan Opera House,” he said, unable to mask his self-adoration. “Of course, I don’t really like opera all that well, but I guess I could stomach it if that’s what my fans wanted.”

Reflecting further, the unabashed celebrity told us that he would love to try his hand at painting as well, or photography, but that once he created his first masterpiece, he’d be so busy keeping up with the demand for his art that he wouldn’t be able to audition for upcoming parts in television shows.

“It is just a matter of time before Two and a Half Men films its last episode,” said Kutcher, “and then I’ll be in such high demand that I just couldn’t see myself doing anything other than starring in films, television ads, and plays. I am just that incredible,” he said. “But thanks ever so much for asking.”