Vortexes in Sedona, Arizona Disappearing at Alarming Rate

Sedona, Arizona - Sedona, Arizona, once known world-wide as a Mecca for those looking for metaphysical experiences due to the unusually large amount of vortices (vortexes) located there, is seeing a string of unhappy visitors leave the various sites of Bell Rock, Cathedral Rock and Boynton Canyon totally dispirited and angry.

In the past few days, many seekers of peace and harmony who had planned on experiencing the powers of these spiritual wellsprings have gone away saddened and disappointed. "I came here several months ago to visit Bell Rock and left with such a peaceful feeling throughout my entire body," claimed Shanna Eyeful, a practicing New Age therapist. "This time, there was something horribly wrong. Instead of peaceful and harmonious feelings, I came away feeling as if I could physically strangle the hell out of someone. Sorry about the language, but I've been swearing like this ever since I left Bell Rock."

Others have experienced similar phenomena. "The whole energy surrounding this once highly spiritual area has shifted and now it seems to be scaring folks instead of nurturing them," says Horace "Astro" Scopes, leader of Sedona's 'Screaming Orange Jeep Tours". "I've been asked to refund so many of my customers' tour fees that I may now be forced to sell off one of two of my Jeeps just to pay the lease on my Hummer."

Resorts across the area are witnessing a high volume of cancellations as word spreads across the New Age community. "The only reservations we're seeing around here are of the Native American kind," said one resort owner. "What was I thinking by supporting that asinine anti-immigration Bill?

Many Arizonans are clueless. In addition, they don't know why this is happening now. Native Americans in the region believe that the spirits that dwell in the vortices have decided that until people can act like true spiritual beings toward their fellow man, they are no longer interested in trying to help them attain a more heightened sense of being. As one Hopi elder put it, "the spirits tried, and some genuinely came to listen and to learn, but the majority of those living in this most mystical land have chosen money, greed and ridiculously-colored Jeeps over more important spiritual things, and they will now know the consequences."

Native Americans in Arizona Vow to Deport All Non-Native Americans

Navajo Nation – The Navajo, Hopi, all Apache Nations and all other Native Americans who presently reside in Arizona have joined forces in an effort to show the haughty Arizona residents just exactly who has every right to be in that State.

Said Chief Standing Wolf, “it is not those of European decent who should be making the laws of this state, but we, the tribal people, who have been suppressed for too long. Our ancestors have been here for thousands of centuries, while the white man only came a few hundred years ago. Yet, it is the white man who wants to make ridiculous laws and keep everything lily white. We can no longer stand by and let this happen.”

Short of declaring war on the Arizona government, Chief Standing Wolf instead issued a warning “reverse your laws entitling only English-speaking people to inhabit Arizona. Only then will we back down and allow peace to again grace Arizona, but if you deny our fellow red and brown men their rightful place in this state, there will be bloodshed.”

President Barack Obama Detained at Phoenix Airport

Phoenix, AZ – President Barack Obama was detained for a brief period yesterday at the Phoenix, AZ Airport by TSA officials while police determined whether or not to arrest him for not having proper identification with him at the time he touched down in their state. President Obama was in Phoenix to speak at a fundraiser for Democratic candidates willing to take on the Republicans in this year’s Senate race.

Said a police spokesperson, “We, the people of Arizona, have reason to believe that Mr. Obama may not, in fact, be a natural-born United States citizen, and until he can prove otherwise, we have no other option under the new legislation passed but to detain anyone who cannot prove their citizenship.”

Meanwhile, not even this latest episode could ruffle the feathers of this country’s most genteel leader. “While I understand why I am being detained, I cannot stress enough the enormity of the situation when one of our states takes it upon themselves to determine the legality of every citizen in our country who passes their borders. This may just be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I will reserve my criticism for the time being. But make no mistake when I say that Wall Street will feel my wrath upon my return to Washington.”

President Obama was eventually told he could leave the state, but only after posting bail and agreeing to return for a court date sometime in the near future, hopefully with a certified copy of his Hawaiian birth certificate in hand.

Meanwhile, Wall Street traders were betting heavily that the continued furor over illegal immigration will eventually provide enough of a smoke screen so that they will be allowed to continue business as usual as President Obama is forced switch gears once again to fight for his political life over questions of his citizenship.

Palin Hopes to Woo Brown with Speech to Naturist-Christians Group

San Bernardino, CA – When Sarah Palin was approached back in September of last year to speak at a gathering of Christian nudists who were interested in opening a nudist chapter of the Tea Party Movement, she respectfully declined, not wanting to upset her more fundamental followers and fearing a leftist media circus if she even considered it.

However, she was asked again to speak earlier this week and did an abrupt about face. Many are speculating on what exactly happened to change Sarah’s mind. Was it a new openness she’s gained through her many encounters with folks who think differently than she does? Certainly not. Everyone in her camp speaks the same language. Is she ready to dis-robe for liberty? Not likely.

No, the ever-scheming Sarah has a plan. She is doing everything she can to get Scott Brown to acknowledge her as an equal, even to the point of doing things that make her question her belief systems, such as grown-ups, when around children, should always be clothed. Sarah, like most everyone else, equates Scott Brown with nudity. How can they not? His nude centerfold from Cosmopolitan from years ago has been plastered on everything except the side of a downtown D.C. public bus.

In all fairness, a local reporter finally pinned Sarah down and asked her exactly why she’s doing it, “Well, ya know, I am a Christian first and foremost, so that was one of my considerations, and yeah, I’d be lyin’ if I didn’t tell ya Scott had something to do with this. I actually think it’ll be a hoot. I already use an old trick John McCain taught me of imagining my crowd naked when I do my regular speeches anyways, so this will just be more real. The folks who are planning the speech have assured me that no ‘male appendages’ will be in my direct line of vision when I’m looking down at the notes on my palms. I just hope ol’ Scott appreciates the lengths (no pun intended) I’m going to to get him to like me, gosh darn it.”

Woman Sheds 42 Pounds Doing Shopping Cart Cha-Cha-Ping

Dallas, TX - A new exercise craze is sweeping America by storm. It’s not Pilates, it’s not aerobics, and it’s not tai chi or any number of other workout routines already heard of. This one is based on getting up on your feet, driving the mini-van to the nearest supermarket, and cha-cha-ing your way around the store.

It's called "Cha-Cha-Ping" and all you need is a shopping cart, a sense of rhythm and a desire to shed pounds in a short period of time. Trish Fandeu actually stumbled upon the exercise quite by accident.

“There I was, seriously overweight, standing by the magazine rack reading about the latest gossip and something about some celebrity on DWTS dancing the cha-cha. A half-eaten pack of mini-chocolate glazed donuts sat in the children’s seat of my shopping cart next to the biggie-size Coke I just purchased from McDonald’s.”

“As I walked away from the magazines to do my shopping, my feet started to cha-cha. I slid the right foot out first, then the left foot, and then automatically took three small steps forward, and then again with my left foot sliding, followed by my right, and three small steps. All of a sudden I realized, I was doing a variation of the cha-cha as I pushed my cart around the store and it was a lot of fun. I spent the rest of that shopping trip with ‘one-two-cha-cha-cha’ repeating over and over in my head. I had my first work out in probably 12 years and I felt really great as I loaded my groceries into the van and headed home.”

Over the course of three and a half months, Trish continued to do her almost daily shopping to the cha-cha that sounded in her head and started to see the pounds start to drop off. “Of course,” said Trish, “when I saw that I lost 3 pounds that first week, I decided I would eat healthier and promised myself no more donuts and Coke. I switched to water and carrot sticks, or the occasional grape, as I cha-cha’d my way through the market.”

At last count, Trish has dropped 42 pounds and is down from a size 18 to a size 10. And word has gotten out. On any given day of the week, you may run into one of the many women who’ve adopted Trish’s shopping cart cha-cha routine. In fact, some stores are now posting signs welcoming “cha-cha-pers into their stores and touting the health benefits of using their carts as exercise props.

Said one happy store owner “we encourage the women to buy lots of items, in bulk, to weigh down the cart and make their workouts even more effective. So far, we’ve seen a marked increase in our bottom line due to sales of water, carrot sticks, and economy sizes of everything from laundry soap to dill pickles.”

Although cha-cha-ping through the store is essentially harmless, Trish does have these words of advice. “Only cha-cha forward, and don’t try any other ballroom dances with the cart such as the tango or the foxtrot. The carts simply do not maneuver well for those dances, believe me, I’ve tried. However, the cha-cha is a perfect match for doing your shopping. Oh, and to avoid catching someone else’s germs, always use the handi-wipes at the store entrance to sanitize the cart’s handle before beginning your cha-cha-ping.”

Secret Murdoch Tapes Threaten to Expose Palin and Beck as Puppets

Rumors are swirling in back alleys and executive washrooms about the handful of tapes that, if made public, could blow the lid off Rupert Murdoch’s hold on American politics, bringing Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and others down with him in the fallout.

The story about town is sometime late last year, a mysterious Chinese man concocted a scheme to seemingly save Murdoch’s life and in doing so, was given free access to Murdoch 24/7. The details are extremely sketchy, but the gist of the rumors is that this man was able to slip a mickey into Murdoch’s brandy after everyone had retired to their staterooms on Murdoch’s 184 ft. yacht, Rosehearty.

The supposedly close friend and confidant of Mr. Murdoch then began to secretly tape the conversation he was having with Rupert, the end result being that Murdoch quite easily spilled the beans on a number of topics he was lead to believe were private confidances. What was this man’s motive? Simply to keep Murdoch from furthering his reach into Chinese politics as he had done with American politics.

A scant few have seen the tapes, let alone listened to them, but a few stories have emerged as follows:

“Yes, yes, Paul, I was delighted to be able to get Sarah (Palin) to agree to head up the tea party rallies, but I have to tell you, she doesn’t come cheap,” he said. “She is one savvy business woman. I am spending millions on her and her entourage to travel all over the country giving her speeches. And I’ll let you in on a little secret…the ‘Going Rogue’ book? That was my idea. Pretty clever huh? I had a couple of my best writers in New York pen that puppy, and then I created all that hub-bub to make it look like she was a first class novelist. But she sure did get me fired up when she began to ask for more, more, more, using me as her private banker. ‘I want a jet, not a lousy bus. I need a new wardrobe. I want diet Dr. Pepper stocked in the limo.’ Yes sir, she’s expensive but she is effective.”

In another part of the tapes, Murdoch is supposedly led into a conversation about Glenn Beck. “That dildo,” says Murdoch, “I had to clean him up, get him sober and get him off the damn juice, but he ended up on my side of the court and now he knows he can’t even take a crap unless I say he can take a crap. I’ll let you in on a little secret. That rodeo clown thing? He hates it but I make him call himself that to keep him in line. I love watching him grovel as he goes on tape telling everyone he’s a rodeo clown. Serves him right. He was on the wrong side of the Lord for way too long and this is his penance. All I have to do is flash a few mil in his face and he’ll say and do just about anything I want for the almighty dollar. Yeah, in Beck’s case, money does the talking. He’s just the mouthpiece. If things start to calm down in this country and Obamer’s numbers start to rise again, I just get Beck to go on a tirade and its instant revolt. God I love this country.”

One wonders why Murdoch is so hell bent on tearing America apart with his partisan political clout. The answer may lie in his childhood. As a child in Church, he was told that America was the great whore of Babylon, and as his religious fervor grew, so did his desire to bring America to its knees if he was ever given the chance in order to one day build it back up into the Temple of the Lord.

But this is all just hearsay. Things coming out of smoke-filled back rooms where men whose lives are inexplicably intertwined in one way or the other with this media mogul and no one dares come forward, save for this possibly brave Chinese man who stands to make millions in his own right if he has bigger balls than the man he's trying to take down by bringing these tapes out into the open and finally exposing Rupert Murdoch as the power-hungry, political tyrant everyone supposes him to be.

Glenn Beck Found Naked, Confused Wandering Along Highway

New Canaan, Connecticut – Fox Television and radio personality, Glenn Beck was found wandering along Merritt Parkway close to his home in New Canaan, Connecticut early Thursday morning around 2 a.m. He was naked and confused and muttering “don’t freakin’ tread on me, don’t freakin’ tread on Glenn Beck” and was taken to the nearest hospital for observation. He was openly weeping.

No one knows for sure why Beck was on the highway. Doctors speculate that he may have been sleep walking and just decided to take a stroll along this most beautiful stretch of highway. Said Doctor Schmorgen, “it really is quite a lovely stretch of road near where Mr. Beck lives and it makes sense that he might want to get out there occasionally and experience nature, seeing as he’s cooped up inside a television and/or radio studio for so many hours in the day. The trees alone are just gorgeous this time of year. Mr. Beck is quite privileged to live in such a divine place.”

But when Beck himself was asked the reason why he was wandering along that stretch of highway at 2 a.m., he gave this account, “I was in my study, studying my script for the next show and suddenly this epiphany hit me. I realized that although I was becoming all things to all people, I just couldn’t handle the enormity of the situation. I mean, here I am, this joe schmoe from kokomo giving all kinds of advice to people, getting them riled up, trying to simmer them down, knowing that they are not only hanging on my every word but actually acting out according to what I tell them, kinda like Jesus giving his sermons and everyone doing as he said, and I just lost it.”

“I realized that I, me, Glenn Beck, the freakin’ most watched guy on television, was responsible for about 80% of what is wrong in America right now. The division, the hatred, the outward distrust of our President, are all things that I had stirred up.”

“That guy that flew that airplane into that building in Austin, he was 80% Glenn Beck in thinking. That guy who threw dollar bills at some poor schmuck on the ground with Parkinsons Disease telling him to get a job, that was 80% me throwing that money. Where were the good works of people who were listening to me? I realized there weren’t any.”

In a tortured voice, he continued, “I can’t tell you from that point on how my clothes came off, but I do remember thinking, I gotta get outta this skin, outta this lousy skin, this body that’s making me do these terrible things, and for what? The almighty dollar?

I hurried and got all my stocks and bonds, my available cash, my bank books, all our credit cards, even my gold stashes and I tried to burn every darned one of them and become like Buddha, understanding my suffering. Then I went for a walk, beating myself up and telling myself that tomorrow was going to be different and I was going to ask everyone to go back to a life of non-violence and try to get along with each other because I knew, that I, Glenn Beck, would be the only voice of reason that these people would listen to. I remember thinking, I live in New Canaan and that must be somewhere near Zion where I can give a great sermon, and that is, I guess, when I just started walking toward Mecca. Man, I musta just really cracked up, huh?”

Beck is resting comfortably with Roger Ailes by his side seeing to it that he is fully medicated so that once he regains his senses he can continue his life’s work on the Fox News network at least until his contract runs out.

His wife, meanwhile, is highly pissed that the shopping trip she had planned for this weekend in Beverly Hills will have to wait until new credit cards and checks can be issued. “Mr. Ego can just sit in that hospital and stew on this awhile,” she was reported as saying. “He wants to mess with people’s lives, let him, but he better damn well not affect my life like this again or it’s hasta I’m outta here, baby.”