Sarah Palin Demands Reason Why No Invite to Clinton Wedding

In a scene right out of The Real Housewives of New York, Sarah Palin had her bus driver drive her bus (he drove, she and Todd flew via private jet) all the way across country and into the tiny town of Rhinebeck, NY to find out why they weren’t on the guest list of the biggest American wedding this side of the 60’s.

Witnesses claim they saw Palin’s “Going Rogue” bus drive up and down the streets of Rhinebeck in what they could only surmise was an attempt to find out exactly where to turn into the private drive of the Astor Courts Estate. With GPS systems jammed in the area and security extremely tight, anyone not on the guest list was sent on a wild goose chase to try and find the place.

Service Station owner, David Hangaright claims that the bus stopped at his pumps and a frantic Sarah Palin entered his convenience store asking for directions. “I know she wasn’t telling the truth when she asked what was the quickest way to get to the little Clinton shindig that was going on today,” said Hangaright. “I asked to see her invitation and she told me that it was in the bus, and then she huffed away and said she’d find the friggin’ place herself.”

Unable to find their way to the wedding, the Palins left a gift for the young couple at a local Denny’s as a gesture of good will. It appeared to be several autographed copies of Palin’s books.

Meanwhile, Tareq and Michaele Salahi were caught trying to crash the wedding as well. The Salahis are said to have gotten past the first gate, but security guards at the final entrance to the estate became suspicious as Michaele and Tareq tried to explain why Michaele was wearing an exact replica of Chelsea Clinton’s wedding dress. “Oh that,” said Michaele, “wherever we go, we try and blend in.”

Glenn Beck University Institutes Dress Code

Glenn Beck University was begun earlier this year by Glenn Beck following his receiving an honorary doctorate from fundamentalist Christian-led Liberty University.

Beck now believes he is qualified to offer college-level courses in American History, Economics and the Constitution, and does so under the guise of calling his courses Faith, Hope and Charity. It is, for Beck, a noble cause. He is single-handedly teaching the “truth” to anyone who will listen.

But before you click on that enrollment button, there is something you need to know. There is a dress code. Even though it is an online course, and you “think” you are free to roam around your room, buck-ass naked if you like while learning what Abraham Lincoln truly thought, or that civil rights and the tax laws are really unconstitutional, think again. Glenn Beck believes you must dress properly to learn properly, to get the most out of his “college” courses.

Men must sit in front of their computers in a full suit and tie, socks and shoes. No pajamas, no Calvin Klein skivvies and no sandals or slippers.

Women must show up in front of their computer screens in dresses or blouses and skirts, nylons or pantyhose and pumps.  Skirt length should be at or below the knee, no exceptions. Women may not wear their teddies from the night before or worse, show up for Beck’s classes in the nude. It simply is unacceptable. Beck claims that the look you should go for is that of your mother, who stayed home and took care of the house and kids. An everyday house dress will suffice if you don’t have anything nicer.

You may have no piercings, anywhere. You don’t need those things to learn. No earrings, no nipple rings, face studs, belly rings, etc. Don’t think you can keep your mouth closed in order to conceal your tongue stud either. Beck will give preliminary checks and have you show the inside of your mouth. If you have a tattoo, you may be asked to have it removed or you may simply not be allowed to attend classes at Glenn Beck University.

Haircuts are also discussed in the dress code section of the site. Men should have their hair cut military-style. If you don’t know what that is, you may copy Glenn’s own look.

Women, you may wear your hair bouffant-style as it is most attractive when you take off your glasses and let your hair down during study sessions. But aside from that, you are not allowed any extreme cuts such as the Kate Gosselin reverse mullet.

As Beck often says, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” so you will shower before every online session and wash your hands during breaks.

Glenn Beck is hoping that this dress code will lead to exemplary conduct and a 100% pass of all students. You may go to his site to request a copy of these guidelines.

6-Year Old Somalian Girl Given Permission to Sail Solo Around the World

A six-year old Somalian girl has been given permission by the Somalian government to sail solo around the world in a 46-foot yacht commandeered by her father in a pirate raid off the coast of Somali earlier this year. The father/ daughter pair have been training for this solo adventure since March.

When Abdul Omar Khalid got word that American 16-year old Abby Sunderland was setting out early in 2010 to sail solo around the world, he became enraged. He wondered why it always had to be someone from a developed country who got all the fame and glory. He knew it was only a matter of time before some other teenage girl would try the same trip and he knew he had to act fast.

Although, he was planning on having his daughter wait until January of next year to begin her trip when she’d then be 7 years old, news about a French 16-year old girl setting sail within two weeks pushed him to pick up the pace and put his daughter to the task a bit ahead of schedule.

Although Khalid has several sons who are older than his 6-year old daughter, Awa, he believes that his young daughter is his only chance to make a real name for himself, so he set about the task of pirating a luxury yacht and using it to train little Awa on.

Awa is set to take off from the coast of Somalia on Saturday and if all goes well, she will have circumnavigated the globe in record time. “By this time next year,” said Khalid, “the name Khalid will be a household name the world over.”

Bad Poetry at its Best

Thought it would be fun to try my hand at writing some really bad poetry. Here's my first offering. Depending on how it is received, I may write more. Seems writing poor prose is another of my many talents:

Oh for the lackluster spankings of my youth for which no switch was

waiting for me yet ‘twas I who pluct it from the tree to swiftly gain approval 

from my father’s ever vigilance to teach me my place in life.

And tho the sting of nettles was not sweeter than the sound of my own tears

trickling down my cheek as I layeth in bed sobbing of my wretched self

pondering not to know my fate as adulthood lie just beyond my grasp.

Then I would be taught again and again but nay I never learned and now

I sit upon this sheetless cot in a cell as barren as my mother after birth of

her only child, the one who put her husband to his early grave.

Two Miracles in One Week at London Hospital

An amazing story broke this week out of London that has the world and most doctors scratching their heads. A black Nigerian couple, Ben and Angela Ihagboro, living in London announced the birth of their child--a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white baby girl! Doctors say odds of this happening are phenomenally high. Because the child wasn’t born with pink eyes and incredibly sensitive skin, they are puzzled over the fact that this is not your ordinary albino birth.

The proud parents claim that they are definitely the parents of the child, and although they can’t explain how this happened, they are reported as saying “we don’t care what the baby looks like, as long as she’s healthy.” Good attitude to have. We hope that attitude is felt by the parents of the second miracle baby to be born in the same city in the same hospital as the first at almost the precisely same time on the very same day.

Reports coming out of London just three days after the announcement of the Ihagboro baby indicate that a white Scandinavian couple, also living in London, Sven and Ingrid Ingellsson, have given birth to a black-haired, dark-skinned baby boy. “What are the odds?” said the doctor who certified that the baby was, indeed, the Ingellssons’.

Both babies are fine and the families are adjusting quite well. While some nurses have suggested that since the babies are only days old, perhaps the couples might want to consider trading them in order to match better, but the couples, both of which are extremely religious, have decided to keep the child they have birthed. Said Angela Ihagboro, “God does work in mysterious ways.”

Copper Stills and Mash Making Comeback

No, that isn’t a play on the name of one of the best-known folk rock groups of all time, Crosby, Stills and Nash, and sometimes Young. It is, instead, a crafty title for this little story about how a whole new generation of moonshine makers is keeping law enforcement officials hopping across America.

Young twenty-something entrepreneurs are discovering the joy of making their own moonshine, and they are coming up with some really unique ideas for the stuff. Brand new copper stills can be bought over the internet, and they come with complete instructions on how to whip up a batch of “white dog,” as it is now commonly referred to, safely and quickly, unlike back in the day when stills blew up and the liquid being produced was said to cause blindness in many who drank it.

From bathtubs in trendy NY SoHo lofts to kitchens in the mansions of young Los Angeles socialites, a new “hillbilly” is emerging to make their own brand of brandy and other spirits. From Vanity Vodka to Ritzy Rum, the ATF has its hands full trying to track down the scofflaws and bring them to justice.

One would immediately think the reason for the crackdown is to protect not only of the lives of the people who are making the stuff but also the lives of those who live close by in case of an explosion of the designer stills. It’s not. These stills are being sought out and taken down for one reason only, because the privately distilled liquor is being sold and consumed on the black market circumventing the United States tax system. The designer distillers are cheating the IRS out of millions of dollars in tax revenues.

Damn, those evil revenuers. Here we go again.

More Letters from Summer Camp

Just like the little ones, summer camp exists for tweens too. Here is a sampling of a couple of letters the tweens have written home to earn their “composition” badges.

Dear Kate (haha Mom),

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Did you know that Camp Swanomee is a boy/girl camp? I didn’t either, but hey, too late now, huh? I am having so much fun, I may not want to come home (OMG, LOL).

Me and some kid named Billy Jo McAllister are becoming really good friends. The counselors are saying we are maybe a little bit too friendly. I know you know what I mean mommy, cause that’s the way you are with your boyfriend, Teddy. Love is grand, isn’t it? Who knew I’d find true love at age 13? Now we finally have something in common.

Anyway, I have to go. We are having a film tomorrow on sex education. Wow, who would have thought summer camp would be so fun and so educational too? By the way, since I’m all grown up now, can I call you by your first name? I like it better than mom.

Have fun in Vegas with Teddy, wink wink.

Love,

Serena

Dear Mom,

You tricked me. This isn’t computer camp at all. It is a camp for fatties. Oh yeah, they want me to call it a fitness camp, my big fat hairy mistake! I’m being told already that I have an attitude. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be the fact that I haven’t had a ding dong for 3 days now?!!! That my diet consists of seaweed and tofu wieners? That instead of playing “Lair of the Dead Zombies” on my computer in my bedroom for the entire summer vacation, I’m doing push ups? Outdoors? Outdoorzzzzzuh?

Oh, I’m sure you and dad are having quite the laugh over this while you polish off a whole cheesecake apiece. That’s ok, just remember, paybacks are heck. In addition to the physical activities, we also have to attend counseling sessions. You should be expecting a knock on the door any day now from Children Protective Services.

Where’s the love now?

Vinny