Nano-Chip Brain Implant Allows Users to Instantly Speak Foreign Language

Nano-Second Language

The first-ever nano-chip language translators are rolling off the assembly line and into cosmetic surgeons’ offices quicker than you can say “Se Habla Espanol?” No longer will it be necessary for those wishing to learn a second or even third language to go through the arduous process of weeks and weeks of studying tapes or attending language classes. The product is called “Nano-Second Language” or NSL, and they are expected to sell out within weeks.

The makers of the NSL brain implant first developed the product under a grant by the United States Department of Defense as a solution to the problem servicemen and women were having when being shipped overseas to the Middle East. “No one spoke Arabic which led to some serious misunderstandings between our military and that of the country our servicemen were stationed in,” says Dr. Lewis Lipps, chief engineer on the NSL project. “The NSL Arabic version will immediately resolve that issue and allow certain soldiers to communicate in countries such as Iraq, Afghanistan, even Libya with little to no problem,” said Lipps.

Asked how the nano-chip brain implant works, Lipps explained, “The NSL Arabic version, for instance, has a complete Arabic alphabet and dictionary with over 20,000 common words which are electronically translatable from English literally within nanoseconds. In a simple outpatient procedure, the NSL chip is implanted into the corpus callosum portion of the left side, or the language center, of the brain and activated.”

Dr. Lipps then showed illustrations of the procedure which is done through arthroscopic surgery. “As soon as a soldier thinks out the phrase he wants to say,” he continued, “he pushes a button that is also implanted discretely underneath the skin on the soldier’s upper left side of the head.” Dr. Lipps explained that when the soldier goes to speak, it appears he is tapping his head as if he is thinking of what to say, and voila, his words come out of his mouth in the language he has implanted. In this case, Arabic.

Initial test results indicate a 97.6% success rate on the battlefield and the nano-chip is already being used by many servicemen and women today. Now that the product has been tested and proven to be efficient in Arabic, a Mandarin Chinese model is being tested on businessmen from various industries who find it necessary to communicate in Chinese with their business counterparts in China. The NSL Chinese version should be available to the business world within two to three months.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker Charged with Contempt of Court

Dane County Circuit Judge, Maryann Sumi has issued a warrant for the arrest of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. The warrant charges Walker with contempt of court for disregarding Sumi’s order to hold off on publishing Walker’s anti-union bill.

Walker and other legislative leaders tried to circumvent the Judge’s ruling by having a state agency other than the Secretary of State publish the law. Once done, they ordered the law take place immediately and began to change the deductions taken from state workers’ paychecks.

Once Judge Sumi heard about their actions, she had the Wisconsin Attorney General issue a warrant for Walker’s arrest. “I don’t care if he is the [bleeping] governor of this state, he’s going down,” said a visibly angry Sumi.

Upon arrival in Dane County Jail, Walker was fingerprinted and booked under suspicion of directly ignoring a Judge’s order and handed a cold cheese sandwich and a 7-Up. “It’s the least we could do,” claims jailer Jack Nabem. “The poor guy looked so darned hungry.”

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's Anti-Union Bill Hits NY Times Best Seller List

After a Wisconsin District Judge specifically ruled that Gov. Scott Walker’s Anti-Union Bill could not be published, Scott Walker went ahead and published it anyway. Doing so has garnered the bill some much-needed publicity. In fact, so much so that it is the first Legislative bill to ever make it to #1 on the NY Times Best Seller List.

“Coming up with a catchy title was a problem,” says Walker’s spokesman, Cullen Werwie. “We tossed a few titles around, including Gone with the Entitlements and To Kill an Entitlement but in the end, we went with A Farewell to Collective Bargaining.” Werwie added, “Yes, that is my real name.”

As for Walker, he claims he’s over the moon with the news. “I knew if I hung in there, I’d get some notice,” he said. “It takes commitment, perseverance and plain old chutzpah to get this far and I’ve got all three. Oh, and the #1 spot? Take that Oprah!”

Tom Hanks to Portray Bill O’Reilly in Upcoming Autobiography

In an upcoming autobiography by Bill O’Reilly in which he prefers not to play himself, O’Reilly has hired Tom Hanks to step in and portray the “love him or hate him” darling of Fox News Channel.

“At first I thought, man, this is really weird,” says Hank about being approached to play Bill O’Reilly in the book. “But the more I read about O’Reilly’s life, I realized this guy really needs help, so I said sure, why not?”

“It could have been anyone, really,” claims O’Reilly, when asked about the project. “I started my autobiography at the tender age of 47 and even by then, I knew I was gonna have trouble selling my life to anyone listening. That’s why I put the project on the shelf (or in this case, in the drawer) and almost forgot about it.”

But what happened next was a near miracle according to O’Reilly. “I was sitting in my big easy chair at home in front of a roaring fire and reading Anderson Cooper’s Autobiography ‘Dispatches from the Edge: A Memoir of War, Disasters and Survival’ and thinking ‘what a load of crap,’ and thought, hell, if he can do it, I can do it.”

That is when O’Reilly went to his desk and pulled the aging manuscript from a bottom drawer under which was a picture of him shaking hands with Tom Hanks. “It was as if a bomb exploded in my head,” said O’Reilly. “I’m gonna ask my old pal Tom to portray me in my book. His life is so much better than mine and, even if it isn’t, we can always use portions of the characters he played in movies to jazz it up a bit.”

O’Reilly’s autobiography should be on book shelves by the end of this year regardless of Hank’s shooting schedule.

Losers Claim Win-Win Just a Ploy

Losers around the world are waking up today to the sad realization that regardless of what they’ve been told in school and the workplace, the win-win scenario just doesn’t exist. “It’s a ploy,” said Winton Gardensalad from Montauk, NY. “I played along for most of my life and look where it’s gotten me,” he said from the sad little 8 x 10 room he calls home at the Happy-go-Lucky Retirement Center.

Gardensalad and millions like him say they would love to blow the cover of the win-win folks, but they simply don’t have a clue as to who they might be. More importantly, most losers say they just don’t have the gumption.  “Oh, I tried to grab life by the balls many a time,” he said, “but I got bit in the ass too many times and finally just said the hell with it.”

Many others are telling similar stories. “Oh yeah, I hear opportunity knocking all right,” said Mary Dimpleknickers, “but befefore I can even get the door all the way open, it slams shut in my face. Win-win just doesn’t exist.”

Dimpleknickers says she even dished out a bunch of money to attend a leadership conference. “Things were going well until someone said to me ‘positive and negative are directions. Which direction do you choose?’ I chose down.”

Said Gardensalad, “When you experience your first win-lose situation, you may as well resign yourself to the fact that lose-lose is just around the corner.”

Don’t Blame the Rich, It’s a Generational Thing

Just as the rich say that breaking the cycle of poverty is a never-ending battle because it is self-perpetuating, some are now using that same logic to try and explain the unmitigated greed that is threatening to tear apart entire states such as Wisconsin and Michigan.

The rich, or as they like to refer to themselves as “the haves” say they simply can’t help it. “We were born this way. It’s how we were raised,” claims Thurston B. Howell III, no relation to the millionaire played by Jim Backus in the hit television show Gilligan’s Island. His wife, whom he nicknamed “Lovey” agreed. “Yeahssss, I agree with Thurston, except in my case, I married into the money, but same concept I suppose.”

The rich say they are tired of being blamed for the greedy way they try to buy power and influence. One billionaire, who asked to remain nameless because he can, had this to say, “Even if I wanted to, I simply do not know the first thing about how to break my own cycle of wealth.”

He related this horrific story. “I honestly tried going to a Walmart once to buy some Clamato juice as we’d run out on the yacht and our servants all had the day off for some inexplicable reason. As I drove the Bentley to the door labeled Food Center, there was no one at the curb to open the door for me and park my car. I lost all sense of where I was. It was awful. I had to turn around and go back to the yacht empty-handed.”

On the bright side, there are way less uber rich than poor folks. Therefore, the chances of ever seeing rich people picketing in the streets for their rights are slim to none.

Michaele Salahi Snorts Heroin to Get Back on Celebrity Rehab

Michaele Salahi was recently kicked off the reality show Celebrity Rehab due to the fact that she couldn’t produce a discernable addiction. Now, her husband Tareq has threatened to sue if they don’t take her back.

The Salahis claim that Michaele is probably more messed up than anyone on the show, but not having a visible addiction or affliction is keeping her from being able to participate in the rehabilitation program. So, in a last-ditch effort, the Salahis have taken what money they have left and bought a large amount of heroin. Michaele has been snorting the stuff several times daily in an effort to get herself hooked to the point where she is damaged enough to appear on the show to see if she can get herself off the stuff and rehabilitated.

In a letter to the show’s Dr. Drew, Tareq writes “My bitch Michaele is on the horse, man, and I can’t get her off the smack. We busted into the White House but now we have the White House monkey on our back. Dr. Dude, we need your help.”

Sources close to Dr. Drew claim that he is still not buying into the whole Salahi ruse. “If, in fact, Michaele is doing heroin to get on the show, she needs help,” he said. “She won’t find it here. This is called ‘Celebrity Rehab’ for a reason.”