Got Cannabis? Ad Campaign Convinces Big Names to Star in Commercials

In one of the largest attempts yet to get the word out on legalization of marijuana in California, a large Los Angeles public relations firm by the name of Blunt and Schuster (BSPR) has come up with a ‘Got Cannabis?’ ad campaign that will star some heavy hitters from the entertainment world.

Like the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign years ago touting the benefits of drinking milk, the Got Cannabis? campaign will pull out all the stops to inform the public just how beneficial pot smoking is. The tag line for the campaign will be “Pot, It’s not just for getting high anymore,” alluding to the fact that medical marijuana is just one of the reasons that marijuana should no longer be considered a controlled or illegal substance.

Already the campaign has received confirmation from such notables as Jennifer Aniston, Steve Martin, Jon Stewart and Lady Gaga to star in the ads. “The bennies to doing an ad campaign where every set has a lit bong going is all the payment I need,” said Martin, who admitted that the only time he doesn’t smoke pot is at dawn. Of course, the actors will receive monetary compensation for their time. BSPR says it’s just a matter of hashing out the details.

In addition to the above celebrities, talks are ongoing to get Roseanne and Jack Nicholson to appear in ads as well. BSPR has indicated that a few other very well-known celebrities have caught wind of the project and are eager to offer their talents as well as the campaign progresses.

Doona Blunt, top creative executive at BSPR claims that this ad campaign will finally lift the lid off the stigma of legalizing marijuana and allow the truth to come out. “It will be bigger than Save the Whales, that guy in the Old Spice commercials, or even Ted Williams’ voiceover for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.”

The ads are expected to air right around the 4^th of July and will feature a semi-nude Jennifer Aniston holding a blunt with one hand and her naked breast with the other, asking, “If you had a choice between attending parties with rowdy drunks or mellowed-out pot heads, which would you choose?”

When you Picnic this Monday, Don't Forget to Plan Fun Activities for the Kids

When Daddy said we was gonna

go do something fun this Memorial Day,

I was thinking ice cream and ponies

You should see the gun

that fires these suckers off

 Jeb (8) and Buddy (6) were the designated

shooters at this little longneck soiree

Oops, sorry Mom and Dad, didn't mean to
interrupt your militia meeting. Just wanted
another juice box and some blasting caps.

Ed Note:  This is a satire site and as such, I am obligated to write satire.

As much as I detest this particular style of parenting, I must balance the ludicrous with the mundane, and throw in a pinch of sensationalism. I believe I have done so here. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

How to Tell if Your Neighbor Drinks Too Much

Originally Posted 6/29/09

I am sure we've all run across a neighbor or two in our lifetime that just could not say no to a drink. Every neighborhood has at least one “Otis” of Mayberry fame, who goes through life thinking everyone else is the one with the problem. If you think you might have a neighbor with a drinking problem, but you're just not that sure, here are a few signs you can look for in determining whether or not to keep your stash of favorite beer inside your house instead of in the garage refrigerator.

Signs that your neighbor may drink too much:

You’re starting to hear “hey, you got any beer?” in your sleep.

He just put in a new swimming pool, paid for entirely from proceeds of his recycled aluminum cans.

He thinks a boozehound is a breed of dog.

He filed a lawsuit against the local restaurant for discrimination for sending him a coupon for free food, that excluded alcoholic beverages.

The local beer distributor makes regular stops to his home.

One day his wife rearranged the furniture while he was out, and he thought they'd moved.

Every time you try to tell him about the 12-step program, he tells you he can’t even learn the two-step.

He borrows your rider mower, and you later see it parked at the local bar.

He quotes Homer Simpson.

The waste department sends out a special recycling truck every week just to handle his empties.

Every time someone tells him he needs to go to AA, he claims he’s not a member.

He drives a late model Schwinn.

When introducing himself, he says, “Hi, my name’s Scooter, but everyone calls me Bud.”

He’s the only guy at a picnic who can use his belly as a tray table.

He constantly brags about the money he saves “watering the bushes.”

He thinks getting ahead means pouring his beer into a glass very, very fast.

The local Mini-Mart has been re-named “Bud’s” in honor of his patronage.

And…You need a million proofs of purchase to get one Budweiser outdoor awning. He’s got 5.

So, if after reading this list you still aren’t sure if your neighbor is a tippler, sit outside on the front lawn some evening with your wife and a little cooler of beer and see how many seconds it takes for him to walk on up and ask “hey, ya got any more beer?”

Radical New Self-Help Book Has Readers Beating Themselves Up

A new self-help book by previously unknown psychiatrist and author, Dom N. Adeur, Ph.D. is quickly making its way up the NY Times Bestseller List. It’s OK to Smack Your Inner Child has been hailed by Dr. Adeur’s peers as a ‘breakthrough book for adults who have nowhere else to turn but inside.’

Dr. Adeur explains that for too long, we’ve allowed our inner child to take control of our adult lives. In his book, Adeur often calls his inner child a “brat who needs a serious spanking.” He states, “We’ve allowed them (our inner brats) to purchase expensive homes we can’t afford, walk off perfectly fine jobs in the heat of a disagreement, and generally act out childishly when it comes to the relationships in our lives.”

Adeur claims that men, especially in romantic situations, have a tendency to let their inner child get the best of them, giggling when they see a well-endowed woman, grabbing for things that don’t belong to them, etc. He advises men that when they feel the urge to act inappropriately toward women, they should immediately “stop, slap themselves upside the head, and tell their inner child to ‘shut the fu*k up.’”

It is just this kind of hard-hitting advice that has the books flying off the shelves. “I’ve finally come to grips with my inner child,” said Hernando Rodriguez, who has suffered one failed relationship after another. “This book has changed my life. I now self-flagellate on a regular basis.”

Rodriguez’ fifth wife Chinchilla agrees. “Oh, he’s a big teddy bear now,” she said. “If I have just one criticism of the advice given in the book, it’s that my Hernando can’t touch me now without turning around and smacking himself. We’ve gotten used to it at home, and it has even added a little spice to our lovemaking. But, it is a bit of a problem when we go out,” she continued, “especially when he sees a pretty woman in public.”

It’s OK to Smack Your Inner Child is available in paperback and hardcover, but Dr. Adeur advises potential readers to purchase the hardcover version.

“If you truly want to get everything you can out of what I propose in this book, you need to purchase the hardcover version simply because there are several exercises in the book that require you stop and whack yourself in the head to get your inner child’s attention, and the paperback just doesn’t command as much respect.”

Crap, I Totally Blew Off the Day of Doom

Stefano Bonazzi

Well, I had every good intention of giving the End of the World* my undivided attention. 

Unfortunately, I had several things on my to do list that took precedence and, before I knew it, the day was upon me. Looked at my watch and it was half past midnight on the 21^st of May.

Oh sure, I know I have until 6 p.m. to get something written about the world coming to an end today, but honestly, my day is pretty much packed with other stuff to do.

But I promise, if I get a few minutes later on today, I’ll throw something together because, let’s face it. The end of the world really does deserve at least a mention, don’t you think?

*Latest Chicken Little, Harold Camping from Oakland, California, predicts there will be major earthquakes today that will signal the end times. Should arrive around 6 p.m. but not sure if that is central, mountain, standard or daylight savings time, so stay on your toes people and wear your good underwear. Don’t wanna be embarrassed during the rapture. Meanwhile, I have to get to the store. We’re out of toilet paper.

California Voters Call for Retroactive Impeachment of Schwarzenegger

Schwarzenegger Family Portrait

Millions of California voters are jumping on the bandwagon calling for the impeachment of former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in order to cut off his government pension they say is helping fund his multiple households.

Mildred Commoner is a 36-year old paralegal living and working in San Diego. She and her husband, Paul set up a hotline immediately after the news broke asking Californians to stand behind a bill that would be the first of its kind to impeach a former governor for offenses committed before and during his tenure.

“We’ll be damned if we are going to pay for two or maybe even more households,” said Commoner. “We did the math and realized that Mr. Schwarzenegger knew this scandal, if revealed early, would spell doom for his political aspirations and so he kept quiet for over a decade. That alone is an impeachable offense.”

Ms. Commoner went on to explain that while she can’t positively say where the money came from to keep the governor’s mistress quiet throughout his 8-year term, she is willing to bet that some of it came out of the taxpayers’ pockets.

“We need to nip this in the bud now,” said Paul Commoner, “or next thing you know, we’ll be paying for all the other illegitimate kids he’s sired along with the real estate to house them.”

When reached for comment, former Governor Schwarzenegger merely stated he cannot be impeached as he is not a natural-born citizen of the United States.

Minute Details Emerge on Schwarzenegger's Infidelity

Arnold Schwarzenegger's mid-section
not happy about recent news reports

When a hot news story hits, you can count on the mainstream media to make sure they get all the facts, and bring them to you within minutes. The story may change a few hundred times throughout the days to follow, but one thing is certain, you won’t miss a single thing as a viewer. And, you can channel surf all you want, but the story and all those dirty little details will be the same no matter if you are a Fox fan or you prefer getting a less fair and balanced account.

The breaking story on Arnold Schwarzenegger fathering an illegitimate child is no exception. The news broke on Monday, and just hours after the initial shock began to wear off, there appeared a flood of minutiae on every news channel from local to cable. To be fair, in Schwarzenegger’s case, news reporters had been working on the story for years hoping their speculation that Schwarzenegger was indeed a douchebag would someday pay off handsomely.  And it did. The only thing they didn’t have were those pesky details. Until now.

Assistant Producer Len Samuelson of MSNBC says that the minute the story broke, “We were first in line to find out who the woman was and how the governor got her pregnant. It took mere seconds before our phone lines were flooded with people calling claiming to know exactly who, where, what, why and when the actual conception took place,” he said. “It’s that way with all stories,” he added. “You’d be surprised how much information people have out there, regardless of its truthfulness.”

Samuelson then went into all the details of the now infamous liaison. “Governor Schwarzenegger had just kissed his wife good-bye (actually it was more a quick peck on the right temple and a pat on the back) as she left to do some shopping for an upcoming baby shower for one of the household staff. He then (while whistling the theme from Disney’s ‘An American Tail’) went upstairs to change from his early morning jogging pants (you know, the loose ones that don’t allow his wife to see his junk get a little engorged as he watches the downstairs maid dust the many weightlifting trophies in the couple’s trophy room). Once changed into his tight shorts (you know, the ones that do show his engorgement to the female staff at the governor’s mansion when his wife is currently out shopping for baby shower gifts), Mr. S (who wants to keep typing Schwarzenegger?) then stood for a moment in the master bedroom wondering whether he should snag the upstairs or downstairs maid this particular morning (downstairs – Guatemalan, upstairs – Mexican; each equally amply endowed, but neither particularly beautiful. In fact, the upstairs maid could be best described as more handsome than beautiful, and a bit on the chunky side to boot, probably due to her advanced age). The upstairs maid was wearing Mr. S’ favorite maid uniform this particular day, (black and white tuxedo-style unbuttoned down to the third, or maybe it was the fourth button)…

“You get the drift,” said Samuelson. “You’ll have to tune into MSNBC to get the rest of the sordid details.”

In addition to airing the smallest of details on the Governator’s sexual improprieties, the local news reporters were equally diligent in weaving the breaking story into their specialty newscasts.

Eric Laughteron, head meteorologist for the Channel 4 News Team in Sacramento began his Monday evening report with “Boy, oh boy, is there a cold front headed for Los Angeles. A frigid air mass is expected to settle over the usually sunny, warm city for at least the next several days…”

While tuning into Bruce Javelin, Action 4 Sports, got you this tidbit “…While we’re on the subject of hockey pucks…”