Charlie Sheen Gets Act Together as Apocalypse Nears

A fear of the devil and not being caught up in the rapture is evidently behind Charlie Sheen’s miraculous recovery from a life that had him headed on a path straight to hell.

“I woke up one morning and realized that there were only 434 days left until the end of the world, and I got so scared,” said Sheen while waiting in his dentist’s office. Asked how he knew the exact number of days before the apocalypse, Sheen responded, “Just because I am drug-free doesn’t mean I don’t have super-human powers.”

Sheen has even convinced his ex-wife, Denise Richards, to go in halvsies with him on a survival condo built inside an abandoned missile silo at an undisclosed location in the State of Idaho. “We’ve put a deposit down on a three-floor condominium complete with swimming pool, theater, four bedrooms and a maid’s quarters,” said Sheen as he awaited titanium tooth implants.

“With these titanium implants in my mouth,” Sheen said, “I will be able to communicate telepathically with anyone topside who might survive the apocalypse, although the chances of that happening are pretty rare,” said a reflective Sheen.

Sheen’s father, actor Martin Sheen, claims he is very proud of his son for finally understanding the apocalypse is a real threat and getting his act together. “Sure, he still talks like he’s high as a kite, but the drug tests keep coming back negative, and that’s all I really care about.”

Banks Offering Special 2012 “End Days” Savings Accounts

The Federal Reserve has cleared the way for all major banks and credit unions to begin offering their customers special savings accounts known as “End Days Savers Accounts.”  These accounts work the same way as Christmas Club savings accounts with a higher rate of interest for the short-duration accounts.

The only drawback is you cannot use the money in the account to buy gifts, but instead must spend the money on various disaster relief items such as gas masks, extra gasoline and canned food items.

Candice Entwhistle, special accounts manager at Wagons Ho Savings and Loan in Wichita, Kansas says she has already opened over a hundred new End Days accounts just in the past two weeks. “Here in Kansas, we have lots of folks who believe very strongly in the prophesies and, while they hope they’ll be raptured, they also want to be prepared just in case by having the means to buy the necessary items to get them through at least the first part of the great tribulation.”

End Days accounts offer a unique feature that sets them apart from Christmas accounts. Owners of the accounts can name a person they would like to receive the funds in the account on the off chance that the account holder does get raptured. “That way,” said Ms. Entwhistle, “the money doesn’t go to the bank or to a lost funds account, but to a relative who may not have lived a Godly life while here on earth. That money might just bring a little peace of mind to someone who believes with all their heart that they will be caught up in the rapture but will unfortunately be forced to leave behind some sinful kin. It’s a win-win,” said Entwhistle.

The special End Days savings accounts with a 0.055% interest rate can be opened beginning on December 26, 2011 and, if all goes according to plan, can be closed out the week of December 16, 2012 in time for the end of the world, which is currently predicted to take place on December 21, 2012.

This Friday the 13th Predicted to Be Astronomical Doozy

Several astronomers are coming right out and telling people to be extra careful this Friday the 13^th due to the fact that in addition to the 13^th falling on a Friday this month, another more sinister event will be happening in the skies that night—a triple conjunction with the moon lining up with Venus, Mars and Saturn all in close proximity that night. Also known as the “smiley face” effect, the occurrence is rare but has always been associated with significant happenings in history.

Triple conjunctions have occurred on significant dates in history such as the birth of Jesus Christ and the fall of the city of Constantinople, not to mention the date that Wal-Mart opened its first store—hence the smiley face logo.

In modern times, some conspiracy theorists believe the illuminati seize the opportunity to plan devastating world events when these three planets all come within close proximity to each other and the sliver of moon.

It is because of the triple conjunction that this particular Friday the 13^th is considered by some to be another doomsday date to be wary of. But that’s not all, consider this. The Perseid meteor showers are set to give an exceptional show, with the peak viewing time from the night of the 12^th into the early morning hours of the 13^th. That’s meteors folks. Although none have come close enough to the earth to cause any problems in the past, the fact that they are happening the same time as the triple conjunction does sound an alarm for some. If you’ve never seen the movie “Armageddon,” you may want to pick up a copy and watch it tonight while there’s still time to plan.

We wouldn’t suggest you go hiding under your covers just yet though. Unless you see news stories such as Sarah Palin applauding Barack Obama’s efforts in making health care affordable and available to all Americans, Rush Limbaugh admitting to his listeners that he is indeed a progressive liberal and he’s lost 50 pounds on the new Slim-Fast Diet, or Bill Clinton swearing off extra-marital affairs, you can just chalk this Friday the 13^th up as another false alarm.